for Out of the Darkness2/23 c1 
6Fluff-is-awesome
I really enjoyed this story! You don't have to, but I like your ideas and writing, and I'm curious to know how you would portray George's feelings about... you know... Fred's death. I liked how you described him as feeling lost. Even though this story is mostly Romione based (which I absolutely love!) I'd also love to see you go more into depth about George's personal thoughts and reaction. Just a thought! I'm really enjoying the story though so far. Keep writing!
6Fluff-is-awesomeI really enjoyed this story! You don't have to, but I like your ideas and writing, and I'm curious to know how you would portray George's feelings about... you know... Fred's death. I liked how you described him as feeling lost. Even though this story is mostly Romione based (which I absolutely love!) I'd also love to see you go more into depth about George's personal thoughts and reaction. Just a thought! I'm really enjoying the story though so far. Keep writing!
2/23 c10 Fluff-is-awesome
Omg this is GREAT! Very realistic I like it! Definitely one of the best Post-War stories I've seen for sure. Keep it up!
Omg this is GREAT! Very realistic I like it! Definitely one of the best Post-War stories I've seen for sure. Keep it up!
2/16 c1 40XStrawberryDuckFeathersX
That's nice of you to give your beta credit. :) That cover image is brilliant. : feel pretty sorry for Ron at first. It seems like he's really lonely, like he feels everyone's ignoring him. The silence after the war... I remembered that one of his brothers died in that war, so that's bound to further that loneliness he must be feeling even more. :( The part where Ron just couldn't bear to see Ginny kiss Harry made me giggle. :P I also like Ron's protective side for his sister, too. :) I found that really sweet of him. His dialogue is extremely in-character. :D
Aww, that was really sad about the scar on her forearm, though. :( I wonder if that's pissed Ron off enough to make him go after the Malfoys? :O
This was excellent. :)
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Here are the sentences I found particularly effective:
. (Unable to find the one person he really wanted to be with) -I love vague first sentences like this, because they do so much to drag the reader in. They don't provide all of the information, and that makes me want to read on and find out more about this person. Why does he want to be with that person? Who are they? It's great for a first sentence. :D
. (Ron's eyes were brought back into focus) -This bit is quite sweet, like Harry's voice is what brings him back into the real world, like Harry makes him feel like he's wanted by others, like he's there for him when he feels lonely. :)
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Here is my critique and suggestions for you. Just so it's clear, I am, in no way, telling you off for making mistakes- we all make them in our writing, and that's okay. I am merely providing corrections for you. I hope this will be helpful to you. :)
. ("You don't need to apolo-" she began.) Without the 'she began', the part where Ron cuts her off might make it seem like he cut her off more quickly. :)
[ "I'm so sorry, Hermione."
"You don't need to apolo-"
"Yes, I do," he insisted. ]
I noticed that you use dialogue tags very often which isn't a problem, but when you need the conversation to flow faster, try taking some out to see if the conversation seems more sped up and, when you need the conversation to slow down for drama, try and keep most of the dialogue tags in, so that the pace slows down. :D
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Your dialogue and the way you portray their character and emotions so well through it is stunning. Great job! :D
40XStrawberryDuckFeathersXThat's nice of you to give your beta credit. :) That cover image is brilliant. : feel pretty sorry for Ron at first. It seems like he's really lonely, like he feels everyone's ignoring him. The silence after the war... I remembered that one of his brothers died in that war, so that's bound to further that loneliness he must be feeling even more. :( The part where Ron just couldn't bear to see Ginny kiss Harry made me giggle. :P I also like Ron's protective side for his sister, too. :) I found that really sweet of him. His dialogue is extremely in-character. :D
Aww, that was really sad about the scar on her forearm, though. :( I wonder if that's pissed Ron off enough to make him go after the Malfoys? :O
This was excellent. :)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Here are the sentences I found particularly effective:
. (Unable to find the one person he really wanted to be with) -I love vague first sentences like this, because they do so much to drag the reader in. They don't provide all of the information, and that makes me want to read on and find out more about this person. Why does he want to be with that person? Who are they? It's great for a first sentence. :D
. (Ron's eyes were brought back into focus) -This bit is quite sweet, like Harry's voice is what brings him back into the real world, like Harry makes him feel like he's wanted by others, like he's there for him when he feels lonely. :)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Here is my critique and suggestions for you. Just so it's clear, I am, in no way, telling you off for making mistakes- we all make them in our writing, and that's okay. I am merely providing corrections for you. I hope this will be helpful to you. :)
. ("You don't need to apolo-" she began.) Without the 'she began', the part where Ron cuts her off might make it seem like he cut her off more quickly. :)
[ "I'm so sorry, Hermione."
"You don't need to apolo-"
"Yes, I do," he insisted. ]
I noticed that you use dialogue tags very often which isn't a problem, but when you need the conversation to flow faster, try taking some out to see if the conversation seems more sped up and, when you need the conversation to slow down for drama, try and keep most of the dialogue tags in, so that the pace slows down. :D
- - - - - - - - - -
Your dialogue and the way you portray their character and emotions so well through it is stunning. Great job! :D
2/5 c1 13AnneNevilleReviews
I think that you've taken Ron in an excellent and unusual direction. Alas, I must confess I never liked him much, but your maturing Ron is more palatable (of course, that's a personal preference). The only worry I have about the change is it seems to have happened so fast... I wonder where you will go and where the tension will come from when you've started out with Ron and Hermione so “resolved.” I guess I'll have to read on to find out!
(“"Ron, mate, are you okay?" came Harry's concerned voice from afar.”) This is a nice detail—I like that Harry asks after Ron, who is clearly dejected. However, I'd suggest that there is no need for the extra word “concerned” since Harry's words show he is worried. It's always better to “show” than to “tell.”
Also, I always find myself giving the advice to cut out as many adverbs (especially “ly” words) as possible, because they tend to be “empty” (they don't add to the story—instead they take away from it by making your/anyone's prose move towards “telling.”
Perhaps you'd consider combing through your chapters and ask yourself where it would be better to break up long sentences into shorter ones? Varying sentence length can both reveal character and make reading easier on your audience. At times, I am finding run-ons (I'll leave you to decide where they could be cut down).
All repetition that isn't explicitly for a special effect is suspect. ;-)
(“There was just so much to cram in; his brother hadn't been taking up nearly as much of his thoughts as he should have been.”) This is astute. Often after a terrible loss—when we're in shock—we push things out of our mind.
(“It wasn't meant to be this way round - Hermione was meant to be the rational, sensible one. She wasn't meant to be the one who needed looking after.”) I find this choice interesting (in a good way). I've never been a fan of Ron/Hermione, but the idea that the War caused some kind of role-reversal is an explanation that helps me believe them as a couple.
Finally! Ron apologizes and takes responsibility for his jerky behavior in the past! Again, I like this choice. It makes me feel that part of what Ron has been doing while not thinking about Fred is re-evaluating his life. I think if I were Hermione, I'd let him go one and on—perhaps even squirm a bit. But that's just me. ;-)
What I end up wondering after reading this chapter (and the A/N) is how much you have planned and outlined this fic. Are you writing it on the fly? If so, that would explain some of the things I noted above. However, you have left me intrigued.
13AnneNevilleReviewsI think that you've taken Ron in an excellent and unusual direction. Alas, I must confess I never liked him much, but your maturing Ron is more palatable (of course, that's a personal preference). The only worry I have about the change is it seems to have happened so fast... I wonder where you will go and where the tension will come from when you've started out with Ron and Hermione so “resolved.” I guess I'll have to read on to find out!
(“"Ron, mate, are you okay?" came Harry's concerned voice from afar.”) This is a nice detail—I like that Harry asks after Ron, who is clearly dejected. However, I'd suggest that there is no need for the extra word “concerned” since Harry's words show he is worried. It's always better to “show” than to “tell.”
Also, I always find myself giving the advice to cut out as many adverbs (especially “ly” words) as possible, because they tend to be “empty” (they don't add to the story—instead they take away from it by making your/anyone's prose move towards “telling.”
Perhaps you'd consider combing through your chapters and ask yourself where it would be better to break up long sentences into shorter ones? Varying sentence length can both reveal character and make reading easier on your audience. At times, I am finding run-ons (I'll leave you to decide where they could be cut down).
All repetition that isn't explicitly for a special effect is suspect. ;-)
(“There was just so much to cram in; his brother hadn't been taking up nearly as much of his thoughts as he should have been.”) This is astute. Often after a terrible loss—when we're in shock—we push things out of our mind.
(“It wasn't meant to be this way round - Hermione was meant to be the rational, sensible one. She wasn't meant to be the one who needed looking after.”) I find this choice interesting (in a good way). I've never been a fan of Ron/Hermione, but the idea that the War caused some kind of role-reversal is an explanation that helps me believe them as a couple.
Finally! Ron apologizes and takes responsibility for his jerky behavior in the past! Again, I like this choice. It makes me feel that part of what Ron has been doing while not thinking about Fred is re-evaluating his life. I think if I were Hermione, I'd let him go one and on—perhaps even squirm a bit. But that's just me. ;-)
What I end up wondering after reading this chapter (and the A/N) is how much you have planned and outlined this fic. Are you writing it on the fly? If so, that would explain some of the things I noted above. However, you have left me intrigued.
12/19/2012 c10 27DobbyLovesSocks
"She was dead to me the day she joined the Death Eaters." This line was really powerful, to me. It just got the point across about how horrible Bellatrix was and how good Andromeda was, and just, gah. It was really well said.
Aww, you have to finish this! So many questions left unanswered *dramatic music*. But seriously, I love this story so far. It's seems so /real/ (well, in a fictional sense :P ) and this was another great chapter. Update soon! :)
27DobbyLovesSocks"She was dead to me the day she joined the Death Eaters." This line was really powerful, to me. It just got the point across about how horrible Bellatrix was and how good Andromeda was, and just, gah. It was really well said.
Aww, you have to finish this! So many questions left unanswered *dramatic music*. But seriously, I love this story so far. It's seems so /real/ (well, in a fictional sense :P ) and this was another great chapter. Update soon! :)
12/19/2012 c10 44slightlysmall
I really liked this. The Andromeda information was interesting and I think you did a great job with her. Ron was himself as always, and Hermione. But that should come as no surprise to you. I love the end, Ron thinking about how little they really knew about the year they were on the run. I like the idea of Hermione writing a book. It makes sense for what happened, and it definitely makes sense that she would be the one to do it. And the reference to Dean talking to Seamus and Luna made me smile, since because of you I sort of ship Dean/Luna during this time period, and so many people ship Deamus. ;) Great work as always! I'm so glad you're continuing this.
44slightlysmallI really liked this. The Andromeda information was interesting and I think you did a great job with her. Ron was himself as always, and Hermione. But that should come as no surprise to you. I love the end, Ron thinking about how little they really knew about the year they were on the run. I like the idea of Hermione writing a book. It makes sense for what happened, and it definitely makes sense that she would be the one to do it. And the reference to Dean talking to Seamus and Luna made me smile, since because of you I sort of ship Dean/Luna during this time period, and so many people ship Deamus. ;) Great work as always! I'm so glad you're continuing this.
12/19/2012 c10 44kci47
"Well, write one then."
Is it weird that I wanted to jump up and cheer right then? I love, love, love what you've done with this chapter. Can't wait to see what's coming next!
44kci47"Well, write one then."
Is it weird that I wanted to jump up and cheer right then? I love, love, love what you've done with this chapter. Can't wait to see what's coming next!
10/22/2012 c9 27DobbyLovesSocks
AHHH CLIFFHANGER!
I completely forgot the plot of this, so I just reread the whole thing... Wonderful job so far, and PLEASE update soon- I'm desperate!
27DobbyLovesSocksAHHH CLIFFHANGER!
I completely forgot the plot of this, so I just reread the whole thing... Wonderful job so far, and PLEASE update soon- I'm desperate!
10/22/2012 c9 Loonaticslover13
Oh no...no no no no no! Oh my Rowling...Ron, listen to Hermione, it's not Bellatrix, she's dead. Then again, the last time he had seen the woman she had been taunting his mother about Fred...this is not going to be good! Stop being dense for once and LISTEN TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND!
Oh no...no no no no no! Oh my Rowling...Ron, listen to Hermione, it's not Bellatrix, she's dead. Then again, the last time he had seen the woman she had been taunting his mother about Fred...this is not going to be good! Stop being dense for once and LISTEN TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND!