for Pollyanna7/23/2012 c1 
1DeidaraHoshika
Good story. What does artery bypass do, exactly? Oh and how's your friend?
Oh and I saw some mistakes. I'll just list them down.
1)'One of his brothers had called, his breath short and in a sort of choke.'
- I suggest 'his breath short', since 'in a sort of choke' means he isn't breathing at all.
2)'which was now a huge leap down from where he'd spend a couple years now'
- You typed 'now' twice. It sounds redundant. And it's 'spent'.
3)'seemed to cling to him like a flea and leap around, making his life even worse.'
- I suggest removing 'and leap around'. It doesn't make sense.
4)'gonna have a artery bypass'
- Isn't it 'AN artery bypass'?
5)'You broke your what? What the hell is that supposed-'
- The first sentence doesn't make sense. I think 'Arte-what? What the hell...' is better.
6)'but she didn't seem in any way worried for concerned.'
- OR instead of FOR
7)'about to have heart surgery, a surgery that was especially new for it's kind of of procedure, and not feel worried at all'
- its, not it's. Also, I suggest somehow breaking up the sentence or perhaps rewording it. With the way you worded it, 'and not feel worried at all' applies to 'anyone talking to someone', not to 'someone about to have heart surgery'.
8)'He tossed his head back and sighed, wondering why she had to be liked this.'
- like instead of liked.
9) I think you have to reword or rephrase the paragraphs that tell of Scout leaving his mother before surgery. The paragraphs say that 'About an hour later, he left, bidding his farewell to his mother. hopefully not for the last time'. If he already left, how did his mother get to hug him again? I suggest 'he prepared to leave' so his mother could catch up on his reluctance and therefore hug him. Also, you can either put a comma before the 'hopefully' or make the H capital.
10)'to help mis mother go through this surgery'
- his, not mis.
11)'Everything was dreary and cold in the early spring night'
- I suggest that this sentence and the ones after that be in a new paragraph altogether since it describes the night and isn't directly related to Scout's thoughts.
12)'but still lose the powder on it's wings and make it even harder for it to fly'
- its, not it's.
13)' Hope was slowly depleting as the entire family kept getting now response.'
- I'm sorry but the last part of this sentence makes no sense.
14)'It put her youngest into a tight squeeze and thick pour of emotion as he tried, for his own sake, to keep his upset as far back'
- Put 'a' between 'and' and 'thick'. Put an 's' on 'emotion'. 'His upset as far back' is incomplete. Put 'feelings' between 'upset' and 'as'.
15)'and both secretly having hidden doubt'
- It's redundant to have 'secretly' and 'hidden'. Remove one.
16)'Having only himself made him in a constant worry'
- I suggest 'got' or 'had' instead of 'made'.
17)'In fact, it's go as one of the first successful usages for this bypass'
- Again, the wording doesn't make sense. 'It was one of...' instead of 'it's go as one...'
18)' suddenly lifted of their chest as'
- I suggest 'chests' since there are eight of them.
19)' because he relief was probably the greatest out...'
- 'his relief'
20)' He'd been corking it in for so long, and now he couldn't help but be over-joyous over it's lifting.'
- I don't think corking is the word you were looking for. According to various online dictionaries, corking means excellent, splendid or fine.
- Overjoyed, not over-joyous.
- its not it's.
21)'dragging him by the ear over'
- It's better if you put 'over' after 'him'.
22)' it's be rather redundant just saying it out loud'
- it would not it's
- Also, I suggest removing the 'though' in this sentence.
23)' was talking with her lover '
- 'She talked with her lover' instead of what you typed
Please bear in mind that these are all just suggestions and it's still you who calls the shots. Also, are you from Britain or something? I don't mean it as a bad thing, but some of the words that you use are from UK so I'm curious.
Anyway, good job mate. :)
1DeidaraHoshikaGood story. What does artery bypass do, exactly? Oh and how's your friend?
Oh and I saw some mistakes. I'll just list them down.
1)'One of his brothers had called, his breath short and in a sort of choke.'
- I suggest 'his breath short', since 'in a sort of choke' means he isn't breathing at all.
2)'which was now a huge leap down from where he'd spend a couple years now'
- You typed 'now' twice. It sounds redundant. And it's 'spent'.
3)'seemed to cling to him like a flea and leap around, making his life even worse.'
- I suggest removing 'and leap around'. It doesn't make sense.
4)'gonna have a artery bypass'
- Isn't it 'AN artery bypass'?
5)'You broke your what? What the hell is that supposed-'
- The first sentence doesn't make sense. I think 'Arte-what? What the hell...' is better.
6)'but she didn't seem in any way worried for concerned.'
- OR instead of FOR
7)'about to have heart surgery, a surgery that was especially new for it's kind of of procedure, and not feel worried at all'
- its, not it's. Also, I suggest somehow breaking up the sentence or perhaps rewording it. With the way you worded it, 'and not feel worried at all' applies to 'anyone talking to someone', not to 'someone about to have heart surgery'.
8)'He tossed his head back and sighed, wondering why she had to be liked this.'
- like instead of liked.
9) I think you have to reword or rephrase the paragraphs that tell of Scout leaving his mother before surgery. The paragraphs say that 'About an hour later, he left, bidding his farewell to his mother. hopefully not for the last time'. If he already left, how did his mother get to hug him again? I suggest 'he prepared to leave' so his mother could catch up on his reluctance and therefore hug him. Also, you can either put a comma before the 'hopefully' or make the H capital.
10)'to help mis mother go through this surgery'
- his, not mis.
11)'Everything was dreary and cold in the early spring night'
- I suggest that this sentence and the ones after that be in a new paragraph altogether since it describes the night and isn't directly related to Scout's thoughts.
12)'but still lose the powder on it's wings and make it even harder for it to fly'
- its, not it's.
13)' Hope was slowly depleting as the entire family kept getting now response.'
- I'm sorry but the last part of this sentence makes no sense.
14)'It put her youngest into a tight squeeze and thick pour of emotion as he tried, for his own sake, to keep his upset as far back'
- Put 'a' between 'and' and 'thick'. Put an 's' on 'emotion'. 'His upset as far back' is incomplete. Put 'feelings' between 'upset' and 'as'.
15)'and both secretly having hidden doubt'
- It's redundant to have 'secretly' and 'hidden'. Remove one.
16)'Having only himself made him in a constant worry'
- I suggest 'got' or 'had' instead of 'made'.
17)'In fact, it's go as one of the first successful usages for this bypass'
- Again, the wording doesn't make sense. 'It was one of...' instead of 'it's go as one...'
18)' suddenly lifted of their chest as'
- I suggest 'chests' since there are eight of them.
19)' because he relief was probably the greatest out...'
- 'his relief'
20)' He'd been corking it in for so long, and now he couldn't help but be over-joyous over it's lifting.'
- I don't think corking is the word you were looking for. According to various online dictionaries, corking means excellent, splendid or fine.
- Overjoyed, not over-joyous.
- its not it's.
21)'dragging him by the ear over'
- It's better if you put 'over' after 'him'.
22)' it's be rather redundant just saying it out loud'
- it would not it's
- Also, I suggest removing the 'though' in this sentence.
23)' was talking with her lover '
- 'She talked with her lover' instead of what you typed
Please bear in mind that these are all just suggestions and it's still you who calls the shots. Also, are you from Britain or something? I don't mean it as a bad thing, but some of the words that you use are from UK so I'm curious.
Anyway, good job mate. :)
7/15/2012 c1 35Faux Promises
I thought it was pretty clear that it was Scout, dur. No one else has his way of talking in the game. Jesus Christ people need things spelled out for them these days.
Anyway, I liked the ending a lot. It was just enough. :)
35Faux PromisesI thought it was pretty clear that it was Scout, dur. No one else has his way of talking in the game. Jesus Christ people need things spelled out for them these days.
Anyway, I liked the ending a lot. It was just enough. :)
7/15/2012 c1 Mr. Dr. Medicman
It took me until reading your note at the bottom to realize that it was scout. You might want to add a description next time. Also, who's the lover here? I would like to think that it's the spy, but I'm not sure.
It took me until reading your note at the bottom to realize that it was scout. You might want to add a description next time. Also, who's the lover here? I would like to think that it's the spy, but I'm not sure.