N: Little Tokyo woke up with a CRASH! and a BANG! this morning when the Big Cheese released his latest robot: a giant walking-talking cannibal Barbie DOLL!... What were the writers smoking when they thought up this I wonder?
Big Cheese: (dancing on top of the robot) AHAHAHAHAHA! Jerry I can't believe I didn't think of this brilliant plan earlier, can you?!
Jerry: (under his breath) Maybe that is because it was MY idea you blubbering sponge cake...
Speedy: (attacking ninja crows below) We'll just see if you're still laughing Big Cheese after I split that bimbo robot of yours IN TWO!
Guido: (also attacking crows) My back hurts! I need a massage...
Polly: (throwing hearts) Don't look at me!
Jerry: (scared) Uh-oh... I think the midget just threatened us with his magical sword sequence...!
BC: What magical sword sequence?
Speedy: (shouting up to the Big Cheese and Jerry) Prepare to feel the wrath of the Ginzu sword…yet AGAIN!
(Speedy cat-slashes the robot into a bucket of bolts)
BC: (badly burnt) OOOOH! You mean THAT magical sword sequence...
Jerry: (in pain) Don't be so hard on yourself Cheesy. (sarcastic) It's not like he does it every episode or anything...
BC: (upset) Look at me! I'm covered in dirt and grub…(turning red) And my kimono was just CLEANED!
Jerry: (panicking) CHEESY! It's okay! We'll clean it when we get home! I got a free sample of fabric softener in the mail today!…JUST DON'T...!
KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! (Big Cheese explodes in a cloud of smoke)
BC: You were saying?
Jerry: (cough) Never mind.
N: After yet another defeat by our heroes, the villains return home to the Palace to think about what scheme they will pull for next weeks show...
Jerry: (looking in the newspaper under the "Ideas for Half-Witted Criminals" section) We could hire that French assassin everyone is talking about…?
BC: (waving a fan to keep cool) No, assassins are too expensive these days. We need something in the budget area...
Jerry: Hey, how about this add! "Create your own Conspiracies." It's cheap…
BC: (excited) Did I hear the word CHEAP!? (starts reading the article) Oh, and look! It says if we're one of the first fifty callers we get a free T-shirt!
N: With a great deal like that, Big Cheese got on the phone straight away to order his brochure, which he received the very next morning...
BC: (jumping up and down with joy) JERRYJERRYJERRY! Guess what just came in the mail?!
Jerry: Not that new thigh master…
BC: No! Even BETTER! (shows him the brochure) It's that conspiracy thing we ordered! And look, here's my T-shirt! Isn't it a knock out?!
N: (sarcastic) Well I'm certainly 'knocked out'.
Jerry: (reading the message on the shirt) "I am a proud customer of the Half-Witted Criminal Column." That doesn't really compliment our reputation Cheesy…
BC: (smiling) I know! But don't you think it matches my eyes?
Jerry: (disgusted, changes the subject) Anyway...I think we should get started on how we are going to use this to destroy the Cat's.
BC: For once I agree with you. Maybe we should use a conspiracy against that short one...you know the one with the sword?
Jerry: Speedy Cerviche?
BC: Yeah! He's very annoying…a real pimple on our operation...what do you think we should do about that?
Jerry: Get some Clearasil?
BC: No that's never worked for me…
N: As the hours pass, Guido and Speedy decided to go on a break (little to Polly's knowledge) and hit on Luciel! That is until...
Guido: (looking at a sign pasted on a near by building) Hey Speedy! Check this out! You're on a poster!
Speedy: Sure Guido! You'll say absolutely anything to stall me from getting to Luciel before you do…
Guido: No I'm serious! (off the subject…) And I don't need to stall you anyway! I always get there first...
Speedy: Oh really?! And why do you think they call me "Speedy?!" HUH?!
Guido: (rolling his eyes) Damned if I know… Just come and look at this poster! It's a real ugly picture of you…just like the real thing! (chuckle)
Speedy: Hey! I happen to be extremely photogenic! Did you know I could have been a Calvin Klein underwear model?
Guido: Ah…did you dream that up last night or the night before?
Speedy: It's TRUE! And...(but before Speedy could finish what he had to say...) Hey, Guido look at this! It's a poster! OF ME!
Guido: (shaking his head) You're a sad, sad cat Speedy…
Speedy: (reading writing below his photo) "Lock up your homes, protect your children, move to a new area code! Because there is an alien among us...and an invasion will surely follow!" (suddenly frightened) Oh no GUIDO! Did you hear that?! AN ALIEN!
Guido: Speedy I think you missed something...
Speedy: (reading the fine print) And the aliens name is 'Speedy Cerviche'...?
Guido: I'll give you some time to think about it pal…
Speedy: No time to think NOW! We have to call Al and get this guy out of the city before he starts an invasion!
Guido: (really ticked off now) SPEEDY! Wake UP! You are Speedy Cerviche! You are the ALIEN!
Speedy: (confused) Come again?
N: While Guido explains the plot to Speedy, Polly calmly realises their absence…
Polly: (completely outraged) IF THOSE TWO ARE HITTING ON LUCIEL, I'M GONNA...!
Fran: Of course they're hitting on Luciel. They're guys, what do you expect? Its not like they think with their minds or anything…
Polly: What's with you lately Francine? You've been bad-mouthing the male species like there was no tomorrow!
Fran: Isn't it obvious? The biggest wedding of the year is destroying my life!
Polly: (suddenly understands) OOOOOH! You mean the wedding of Buckey and Princess Vi…
Fran: (sarcastic) Nooooo I mean the wedding of Speedy and Guido...
Fran: OF COURSE I MEAN THE WEDDING OF BUCKEY AND PRINCESS VI! It's a headline on every newspaper in the city! Not to mention that the Princess graced the cover of "Bride" magazine last week…
Polly: (trying to make Fran feel better) You know I thought Vi looked a little, ah...fat! In that issue of "Bride" magazine!
(Al appears over the intercom)
Polly, Fran: What's up Big AL?
Al: (really cross) THIS IS WHAT'S UP! (holds up a poster of Speedy)
Polly: Talk about touchy Al!
N: Yeah, like she should talk…!
Fran: Hey! (looks at Polly) What's Speedy doing on a poster?!
Polly: (amazed) Believe me, I'm just as shocked as you are!
Al: It's a warning poster that's claims Speedy is an alien. And I smell a rat…
Polly: Are you kidding Al!? Nobody's gonna buy that!
Fran: Yeah! I know Speedy's a little strange but that's ridiculous! No ones going to believe that
Speedy is an alien!
(On cue, Guido and Speedy run in the parlor covered in bruises)
Fran: What happened to you two?
Speedy: (huffing) Oh didn't you hear?! I'm an ALIEN! It's the latest rage!
Guido: (puffing) Everyone's trying to drive him out of town!
Al: We know about the allegations towards you Speedy, and I'm afraid the town's people are too small-minded to think twice about how stupid it is! I just hope for your sake Princess Vi has not heard about this yet...
Guido: I know! She's about as small-minded as they come!
Speedy: So what do I do?! YOU GOTTA HELP ME AL!
Al: Get some evidence. It shouldn't be too hard. Just get the facts and state your case directly to the people.
(And with that, Al disappears)
Polly: Okay everyone...no need to panic!
(Suddenly, a group of protesters try to brake in outside. They're holding up signs, threatening Speedy…)
Speedy: Actually Polly…I feel a strong need to PANIC!
Guido, Fran: YOU SAID IT!
N: Meanwhile, Bad Bird is doing what he can to sustain a commotion in the public...
BB: (standing on a public stage with a loud-speaker) I have photos and recordings of secret alien meetings, personal FBI files of the covered up past, descriptions of the space craft he arrived in, his fake birth certificate, his relation with Area 51, and to top it all off, he wears "Marvin the Martin" underwear! So AS YOU CAN SEE LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! Speedy Cerviche is...and always has been AN ALIEN!
(Big Cheese and Jerry Attric are watching Bad Bird address the crowd close by…)
BC: (happy) Bad Bird puts on quite a show don't you think!?
Jerry: (agreeing) He majored in public speaking back in High School…
BC: Fabulous! And do we really have all that stuff he said we do…?
Jerry: That's the beauty of it my Lord! We have all the fake, yet 'authentic' material we need to keep the town scared!
BC: AHAHAHAHAHA! I'm so happy I just gotta give you a big HUG! (grabs Jerry)
Jerry: (sweating) Cheesy! I'M DEHYDRATING!
N: Let's skip this tender moment and go back to the Pizza Cat's...
Speedy: (frowning) I look like the Big Cheese!
Fran: No, you look more like a girl then Big Cheese! (giggles)
N: In order to remain unseen, the gang has decided to disguise Speedy in drag so no one will recognise him. This way they can walk safely around town...
Speedy: (in high heels and a blonde wig) Where are we going?
Polly: We told you Speedy, we're going to your house to find evidence that can clear your name!
Fran: Yeah, this whole alien thing isn't good for business.
Speedy: (grumpy) Why couldn't you disguise me as something more tasteful?!
Guido: Because this is so much more fun for us to watch!
Polly: Look on the bright side Speedy! Now you can go in this year's Mardigrah!
N: A little time passes when Speedy, Fran, Guido and Polly finally arrive at Speedy's house to gather necessary information to clear his name…but if you ask me, I think Speedy should remain
as an alien for the rest of the series! I'm enjoying his new look!
Guido: We're all enjoying his new look!
Speedy: (very sarcastic) YES! Of course we all ARE! That is...everyone except ME!
Polly: (annoyed, as usual) Come on Speedy! Let us inside already…
N: The Cats are now standing outside the front door of Speedy's house.
Guido: (impressed) Wow…we got here pretty fast huh?
N: It's the magic of animation!
Speedy: Let me just find the key... (opens his wallet and eventually pulls out at least 30 key's). Now let's see...not this one (tests one key at a time in the keyhole) Nope! Not that one!...maybe this one...nope not that one!...ah-ha! This time! No, no that's not it...
Polly: (tapping her foot impatiently) SPEEDY! How many front doors are there to your house?!
Speedy: Just give me 10 minutes all right…?
Polly: Does it always take you ten minutes to get in your house!?
Speedy: (getting a little fed up now…) Why can't you be patient just for one second in your life Polly?!
Polly: JUST GET US IN THE HOUSE! What is so HARD about THAT?!
Speedy: IF YOU STOP SCREAMING MAYBE I CAN THINK STRAIGHT!
Polly: (screaming even louder) WHAT DO YOU MEAN "THINK"?! YOU JUST PUT THE KEY IN THE HOLE AND TURN!
Guido: (hollering above both their voices) ALIGHT! THAT'S IT! I can't wait any longer! At this rate we'll still be here when they start rolling the credits! (kicks down the door)
Speedy: (traumatized) MY DOOR! My precious DOOR! GUIDOOO!
Guido: Oh quit acting like such a girl Speedy!
Speedy: (straightens his dress) I am not a girl…!
N: Meanwhile, back in the center of town...
Luciel: (walking around jubilantly) Look at the sun! Look at the birds! Look at the DIRT!
N: Obviously Luciel is in one of her cheerful, mushy moods! That is until she sees Speedy's poster on a nearby fence...
Luciel: Oh NO! My boyfriends an ALIEN!
(She then looks up at the sky…)
Luciel: Oh NO! That cloud looks like ASTRO BOY!
N: Now that that stupid and pointless scene is over, lets go now to the official Little Tokyo Council Chambers where unfortunately, Princess Vi has found out about Speedy…
Vi: Now LISTEN TO ME! We can't have an alien running around Little Tokyo before MY WEDDING! The publicity will get scared off and I still want that gig on Entertainment TONIGHT!
Council member #1: (whispering to the person beside him) I thought something like that would bring in the publicity! Nothing else happens in this boring town...
Vi: We need a plan people! Does anybody want to share any ideas?
Council member #2: (putting his hand up anxiously) Oh! ME! MEEEE!
Vi: (pointing) Yes you! Council member #2?
Council member #2: Call the X-files your Hinas...?
Vi: Hmmmmm...what do you think daddy?
Vi: Very insightful!
(Suddenly, Big Al passes by the Council Chambers and is shocked to see what is going on…)
Al: (very worried) Oh no! The Princess knows about Speedy?! But HOW?!
BC: "YOU-HOOO"! Princess!
Al: I should have known...
Vi: (cranky) What is it SEYMOUR!? It better be good... I'm acting HERE!
N: And can you believe they pay her for IT!?
BC: (dressed in a woman's kimono, complete with a geisha style wig) What would you say if I could get rid of this alien faster then you can say "I'm sending you to Prisoner Island?!"
Vi: Yeah, like I ever say that...
Council member #1: (frantic) Princess Vi! There's a ladybug on your knee!
Vi: (staring at the bug) What disrespect! SEND THAT BUG TO PRISONER ISLAND!
BC: Anyhow Princess, I just happen to have some blue prints behind my back of a giant, very high tech laser gun thingy that I colorfully refer to as the "Alien Decapitator"…it will chop a one way trip to Prisoner Island in HALF!
Vi: (impressed) Wow! That's a nifty idea Seymour!
Al: (shaking his head in despair) DAMMIT! She thinks it's 'nifty!' It's all OVER!
Vi: But how do we get a clear shot of this alien?
BC: My ninja crows will capture it and bring it back here to the Palace!
Vi: And you thought of this plan all by yourself Seymour?
BC: Well, of course I did! Who else would…?!
(Sitting at the back of the room minding their own business...)
BB: (annoyed) I was up till midnight drawing those blue prints! I even missed the Brady Bunch Variety hour…
Jerry: Cheesy doesn't even know how to work the electric toothbrush let alone work out what a blue print even is!
Al: (still worried, mumbles to himself) What are the Pizza Cat's doing? If only they knew how much trouble Speedy was in…!
N: *AHEM* Well since that's the end of Part one, I guess I'll see you all in Part Two! Unless I win the lottery or marry a supermodel between now and next episode... IT COULD HAPPEN!
-TO BE CONTINUED!-