N: It's time for Part Three of 'The Conspiracy of why I didn't take that job offer to be a masseuse on Baywatch…'
Fran: 'AHEM!' Narrator? I believe you're getting side tracked again…
N: Well...you get my drift!
Fran: Uh huh. Try sticking to de-caff coffee in the mornings next time.
N: Since when did she get to be so smart? ANY HOO! Our first scene is situated back at the Palace where Francine has unexpectedly bumped into Al...
Al: (suprised to see her) Francine? What are you doing here?! Where are the others?!
Fran: I'm trying to find Princess Vi and Guido and Polly are trying to find Speedy…he's been missing for a few hours now. Last time he was missing this long we found him stuck in a revolving door.
Al: (very concerned) Speedy's missing? How did this happen?!
Fran: Some alien crazed protesting group chased him away.
Al: DAMN! The D.O.A.B.Z.A.I.S!
Fran: The "doabzais"?
Al: (explains) Badbird and Jerry Attric formed a group against Speedy...but never mind that now! We have a serious problem in the making!
Fran: I know! I think all this humidity is making my hair fluff…
Al: What I meant Francine was that Badbird is setting up the alien decapitator to kill Speedy!
Fran: Oh! Right…I suppose that could also be considered a serious problem.
Al: (continues what he was saying) And Vi is actually letting them do it too! If only we new where Speedy was…he must stay away from the Palace at all costs!
(As if on cue, Speedy himself runs down the hall towards Al and Fran. He's very out of breath and looking rather bruised…)
Fran: So much for that idea Al…
Speedy: (speaking very fast) Al, FRAN! I'm so happy to see you! A religous group, possibly working for the producers, have been chasing me all around town so I came straight to the Palace to talk to Vi AND-!
Al: (hushing him) We know Speedy, settle down! And you definitely don't want to see Princess Vi right now...
Speedy: Why not?
Fran: (cutting in) She's ordered you to be decapitated!
Fran: What? There's no time to sugar coat it Al! The show will be over soon…
Speedy: Decapitated…? (starting to panic) You mean, I'm going to loose my head?!
Speedy: YOU SHUT UP!
N: I didn't say anything!
Speedy: QUICK! You guys have gotta HIDE ME! Shove me in a safe and throw away THE KEY!
N: That's the best idea since I suggested we mail Luciel to the writers house!
Al: Actually Speedy, I have another way of helping you. The whole towns convinced you're the worst thing since canned Spam so theres no point in even trying to appeal to them anymore. Our best bet is to get through to Princess Vi some how...
Speedy: I'm going to be DECAPITATED! We may as well go to the funeral shop early and start discussing whether I want velvet or satin lining in my coffin…
Fran: (annoyed) Stop jerking around Speedy!
Speedy: BUT PRINCESS VI IS GOING TO KILL ME AND WANT A FANCY FUNERAL!
Al: (hushing them down) ALRIGHT! That's enough you two! Everything's going to be fine Speedy… We'll all be rehearsing for tomorrow's show before you know it.
Speedy: (sarcastic) Of course! THE NEXT SHOW! Where I'll probably be crushed by a giant robot or thrown into a big or hole something! That makes me feel much BETTER!
Al: LISTEN! There's a bathroom on the left down the hall where you can keep out of sight. I think you'll be safe there for now...(turns to Fran) Do you want to go with him Francine?
Fran: As tempting as that sounds, I was thinking I could talk to Princess Vi myself. I have some information with me that might help Speedy out...
Al: Very well then, you can try if you think you're up to it. She's in her room modeling Wedding dresses from the Versache Warehouse...
Fran: (turning red) Versache?! VERSACHE?! GOD! She couldn't get a RENTAL!?
Al: (concerned) Are you sure you're up to this Francine?
Fran: Yes! Don't mind me.I mean I reeeeally want to see those wedding dresses of Princess Vi's...! (adds under her breath) …And cover them all with this mornings corn flakes!
(Change scene to Badbird and Jerry Attric)
BB: (talking on his mobile phone) "NOW!?...Here?…Are you sure?…But how?!…When?!…And I am not asking too many QUESTIONS!…Fine…We'll check..." (hangs up)
Jerry: (standing by a window with binoculars) What's happening?
BB: The D.O.A.B.Z.A.I.S just rang to tell me that they didn't get a chance to capture Speedy but apparently he's here anyway! And I believe them...
Jerry: But how could that possibly be!? I've been standing watch for an hour now!
BB: I know. And with the binoculars back-to-front too…
Jerry: (turning the binoculars around) Oh so that's why everything looked so far away!
(Badbird rolls his eyes just as a ninja crow storms into the scene…)
Ninja Crow: (panicky) BOSS! We just picked up something on the secret cameras!
BB: You guys haven't been spying on Princess Vi in her changing room again have you...?
Ninja Crow: (with a smirk)...Well…ahh...YEAH!
Jerry: (worried) You crows really shouldn't do that! We could all get sent to you know where! Not to mention that Princess Vi doesn't even know about the video monitor room we secretly built last summer...
BB: (amused) I know! We told her we were putting in central heating. When it's winter she's swears she can feel the difference!
Ninja Crow: (continues to talk to Badbird) But what we really found boss was Speedy! He's hiding in one of the Palace bathrooms right now!
BB: What is he doing in the bathroom?
Jerry: When you gotta go you gotta go…
N: Meanwhile… Inside Vi's room, a dressmaker works tiressly on her Hinas' dress…
Dressmaker: (pulling the chords on Vi's corset) But Princess Vi...!
Vi: I SAID TIGHTER! You're not leaving until I get the waistline of KATE MOSS!
Dressmaker: (with a look of concern) Okay then...(pulls the chords so tight that Vi's waist line is now the size of her wrist)...how's that?
Vi: (hardly able to breath)...Too…TIGHT!
(Somebody knocks at the door…)
Vi: Oh of all the…COME IN!
Fran: (peeping round the door) Ahhh...excuse me your Hinas but I have some information about
Speedy Cerviche and I was hoping you would...
Vi: (cutting in) Are you a reporter for that bridal documentary?
Fran: No I'm Francine Manx from the Pizza Parlor...
Vi: THEN YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS BEING IN MY ROOM! I have no care for Speedy
Cerviche or pizza RIGHT NOW! ONLY WEDDING ISSUES!
Fran: But he's not really an alien your Hinas! Big Cheese made it up, don't you see? (under her breath) You big, white pavlova…
Vi: I DON'T CARE!...OUCH! (looks down at the dressmaker accusinly) YOU PINNED ME!
Dressmaker: (gulp!) Oops! I must have slipped…
Vi: Now I have a hole in my stockings! (glaring at the dressmaker) I'M SENDING YOU TO PRISONER ISLAND!
Fran: (slowly walking away…) I think I'll drop in later when she's in a better mood...
N: So much for going home early then.
(Change scene to Speedy hiding in the bathroom, sitting like a tight ball in the empty spa…)
Speedy: (talking to himself) I hope they don't mind me stealing a few of these smelly bath soaps!
(Suddenly, somebody slams down the door of the bathroom…it's a pack of ninja crows! Speedy quickly conceals himself…)
Jerry: (looking around) He doesn't seem to be here!
BB: Get out of the way Jerry and let me look, you never see anything!
(Badbird takes a minute to look around the bathroom)
BB: (says reluctantly: ) I guess he's not here…
Jerry: (sticking his tongue out at Badbird) Na na na na na! He's not here! I'm right, you're wrong, I'M-!
Crow: (who was smart enough to look in the spa) Found him!
Speedy: I'm not Speedy...I'm a…I'm the new toilet rug!
Ninja Crow: (apologetic) Oh sorry about that. You didn't happen to see an alien running around here did you?
BB: (slaps the ninja crow) IDIOT! That talking toilet rug is Speedy! CROWS! Take this 'thing' to the Council Chambers for decapitation!
Speedy: (pulling out his sword in defense) Oh NO YOU DON'T! I'm not going to any Council Chamber! I haven't done anything wrong and you know IT!
BB: Yes you have! You put cat hair all over the bath tub, that's a criminal OFFENSE!
Jerry: Badbird that's not what he means...
Jerry: The alien thing stupid...
BB: (understands) OH!
Speedy: That's right! If you think you have the right to spread fake conspiracies around the town and make a career as the next Chris Carter THINK AGAIN!
BB: (amused) Well of course I have no right! I'm the bad guy! And you're going to be even shorter then you are now Cerviche when Princess Vi cuts your ugly head off with the 'ALIEN DECAPITATOR!' (ordering his crows) Get the alien out of Princess Vi's bathroom, NOW!
Speedy: (being dragged off by a bunch of Ninja Crows) YOU CAN'T DO THIS! When my publicist finds out about this mess she'll have your head BADBIRD! WHICH IS TEN TIMES AS UGLY AS MINE!
(As Speedy is dragged out, Badbird whispers something to Jerry…)
BB: Make sure Speedy stays put. Then, call an emergency meeting in the Council Chambers and make sure you get Princess Vi in there!
Jerry: Where will you be...?
BB: You know Princess Vi can't see me! On account of the...you know…
Jerry: She's sickly in love with you? For some odd reason…
N: Very odd…!
BB: Exactly! So go in there and get the job done. I'll be watching the whole thing in the video
Monitor room...(Badbird heads off out of the bathroom and towards the secret video monitor room)
Jerry: Badbird gets to watch TV and Cheesy gets to go plant stealing? Do I ever get a BREAK?!
(Change scene to the Council Chambers where a meeting has now been called, as requested by Jerry Attric.)
Council Member #1: Do you know what this emergency meeting is all about?
Council Member #2: (yawn) I don't know. But I hope it's not like the last one they called when Princess Vi sprayed deodorant in her hair instead of hairspray…
Vi: We have been called here tonight for an emergency meeting due to the 'alien' development...(suddenly grows cranky)…and it better be worth my time because I was just about to apply my avacado night MASK!
N: As if her face couldn't get any scarier…
Jerry: (casually) Oh I wouldn't worry about that your hinas, Big Cheese already stole the avocado and Badbird spread some of it on his club sandwich...
Vi: (outraged) They did WHAT?!
Jerry: Ah...(changes the subject quickly)…what I meant to say was bring in the alien!
(Some ninja crows bring a struggling Speedy into the Council Chambers and tie him firmly to a chair…)
Speedy: (very angry) This is animal abuse!
Vi: SILENCE! You keep your mouth shut alien! Its ME that will do the talkingaround here…
Speedy: But Princess Vi I'm not a -!
Vi: (practically screaming) SILENCE!
Vi: (looking around the room) Hey where's Seymour? I thought he was in charge?!
Jerry: Sorry your Hinas but Big Cheese is...(embarrassed, trys to think up a better excuse then "he's searching for a new house plant"…)...discussing our case with some federal officials over Chinese food.
Vi: (very displeased) THAT RUDE LITTLE WORM! Who does he think he is showing up to another meeting with FOOD! How come we don't get FOOD?!
Vi: YOU TELL'EM DADDY! (points at one of the Ninja Crows) BRING IN THE ALIEN DECAPITATOR!
Speedy: This doesn't sound good...
(An oversized gun is wheeled in and pointed at Speedy's head…)
Speedy: Yep...this is not GOOD!
Jerry: (chuckling) I hope Badbird's getting a load of this! It will put him in a good mood for at least a week!
(Change scene to Badbird up in the video monitor room with a bag of butter-free popcorn…)
BB: (absolutely thrilled) AHAHAHAA! It's finally PAY DAY! And I this popcorn I found behind the radiator is only slightly stale!
(Back to the previous scene…)
Vi: (her finger on the alien decapitator, ready to flick the switch) Listen up ALIEN! Unless someone in this room can speak for you, I'm about to-!
N: (cutting in…) And THEN! Bounding in from the halls beyond the PALACE…!
Vi: Who interrupted ME?!
Al: It was me, Al!
Speedy: (cheerful) YAY!
N: Hi Al!
Al: (standing in front of Speedy) Speedy Cerviche is not an alien. He is a respected member of the elite super hero community!
N: All the more reason to kill him I say…
Speedy: (relieved) Thanks Al! What took you so long?!
Al: I had to buy a postage stamp, sorry… (continues to address Princess Vi) Please your Hinas! Don't do this! If you do, you will kill an innocent civilian of earth!
Vi: Yeah whatever, MOVE OUT OF THE WAY! (puts her finger back on the switch)
Speedy: Did you really have to buy a postage stamp Al?!
Al: I said I was sorry!
Vi: Since Al has no proof with him and because I really want to burn something...
Speedy: Why don't you make toast your Hinas?! (Adds under his breath)…If you can figure out how to get the toaster to work...
Vi: SILENCE! Now, unless no one else can speak for you alien, I'm going TO-!
N: (cutting in again) And THEN! Bounding in from halls beyond PALACE…!
Guido: Hold on a second!
Polly: (runs in after him) Don't do a thing without us!
Vi: NOT AGAIN! (very, very angry now…) Would the director PLEASE STOP QUEUING PEOPLE IN BETWEEN MY BIG SCENE!
Speedy: (over-joyed) IT'S POLLY AND GUIDO! Oh I've never been so happy to see two people in my entire life! My true FRIENDS! They'll tell everyone who I really am…!
Guido: Speedy Cerviche is an alien!
Polly: And I LIER! We've got all the dirt!
Speedy: YOU TRAITORS! (turns to Al) I never liked them anyway...
Al: (talking to Guido and Polly) What the hell do you two think you're doing?! Trying to convince
Princess Vi into MURDER!?
Guido: (continues to accuse Speedy) He parked his spaceship in a BUS ZONE!
Vi: You mean there's a whole spaceship?!
(Meanwhile, up in the video monitor room…)
BB: (even more confused) What is he talking about?! Spaceship?!
(Back to the Council Chambers…)
Speedy: (in an odd tone) What spaceship? You don't mean my Volvo do you…?
N: Well that piece of machinery does look like it came from another planet...
Guido: And he's planning an invasion to take over the world and imprison our entire population in coal mines where we won't be allowed to DATE!
Polly: And he LIED TO ME!
Speedy: (getting Guido and Polly's attention) What are you guys talking about!? I leave you two alone for a few hours and you're hallucinating about SPACESHIPS!? And you wonder why you're the sidekicks of this show! Sheesh!
Polly: Shut it WIDGET! (walks right up close to Speedy and looks him in the eye) You led me on you little sneak! Made me think you were an earth BOY!
Speedy: But Polly, I'm very earthy! I even use Herbal Essences shampoo!
Polly: STOP LYING! You've lied ENOUGH! And to think I even considered…I even felt…(turns away) Never mind...I JUST HATE YOU! (kicks him in the shin)
Speedy: (hopping up and down in his chair) OOOOOWWWWWW!
Vi: (feeling left out) SILENCE! (standing on her chair to look more noticeable) I'M THE MOST
IMPORTANT PERSON HERE! I ALREADY KNOW HE'S AN ALIEN! (looking at Polly and Guido) I DON'T NEED YOU TWO COMING IN HERE AND STEALING MY LUMBAR!
Council Member #1: (correcting her) Umm...that's "thunder" your Hinas...
(The whole room roars with laughter)
Vi: I'M SENDING YOU TO PRISONER ISLAND!
Council Member #1: (being carried away) Looks like it's back to unemployment for me...
Vi: And NOW…(finger back on the switch of the decapitator)…once again, and for the final time before I kill everyone in this room, I'M GOING TO-!
N: And THEN! Bounding in from the halls beyond the PALACE…!
Fran: (anxiously runs in) WAIT!
Vi: Oh NOOO...(very fed up)...NOT THIS TIME!
Fran: Your Hinas PLEASE! Before you make a really big mistake, I think you should look at this…
(holds up a red folder)
Jerry: (looking at the folder) Hmmmm…why does that ring a bell?
Fran: This is a copy of the printed material Big Cheese and his clan of crows used to frame SPEEDY! (goes up and hands it to Priness Vi)
Jerry: (feeling faint) Oh crap...
(The room falls silent as Vi reads the pages inside…)
Vi: (shocked) She's right! They framed him! Speedy's not an alien after all...!
(Al unties Speedy from his chair…he's free!)
Speedy: Those are the six best words I've ever heard in my entire LIFE! (imitating Vi) "Speedy's not an alien after all"! (screaming in Jerry's face sarcastically) Did you HEAR THAT BIRDIE?! "Speedy's not an alien AFTER ALL!" DID YOU-!
Vi: (annoyed again) SILENCE!
Speedy: I've had my moment...
Vi: And as the honorary Princess of Little Tokyo I command that all accusations against Speedy
Cerviche are to desist immediately!
Fran: (clapping with joy) It's about time!
Speedy: (also joyful) I KNOW!
Fran: Now you can get back to WORK! (expects him to be excited)
Speedy: (pretending to grin) Yes…goody…
Council member #2: (asking Princess Vi a question) What should we do with the D.O.A.B.Z.A.I.S your Hinas?
Vi: Well they are cameos...
N: She's right. We'll just put them back on the street corner outside the studio where we found them…
Vi: (suddenly discovers something else in the folder) What are these blue prints for a video monitor room doing in here...? (observes them closer…) They look like there designed to suit my Palace!
Jerry: (with his hand to his ear) I believe I just heard Cheesy arrive at the front door! YES! He might need some help turning the knob…! (runs off quickly followed by the Ninja Crows)
Fran: (speaking to Vi) Maybe you should look through that air vent on the top floor your Hinas...the one where they installed the 'central heating.'
Vi: (already on her way out the door…) I think I will do that! I've always thought I could hear something going on up there...(leaves the room with Fred and the Council members running after her)
Speedy: (gives Fran a hug) Thanks Fran! I don't know how I can repay you! (thinking for minute…then…) WAIT! I know! I promise I'll a wash my hands before I make the Pizza meals from now on!
Fran: (hugging Speedy back) Okay Speedy…(suddenly realises what he just said) Hey…what do you mean from now on…!?
Speedy: (ignores that question…) And to think Fran! I thought you were just pretending to help me as a way of destroying Buckey and Princess Vi's wedding plans!
Fran: (in a sympathetic voice) Oh Speedy! Gosh! How could you even imagine something like that...?
N: Well actually Francine proved she is a woman of many hidden talents…
(Change scene to the video monitor room where Princess Vi has broken in.)
Vi: Hey...(looking around)...where's all the padding in the walls?! I thought this was CENTRAL HEATING!? It's looks like a TV STATION! In my ROOF!?
BB: (very alarmed) Princess VI?! What are you doing HERE?! (trying to hide his face…)
Vi: (with love hearts suddenly swimming around her head) IT'S YOU! The guy from the baseball game! MY FANTASY!
BB: OH GOD! (feeling ill) Now remember your Hinas...you are about to be married!
Vi: What you mean to Bambie!? Get real! Now that I found you again, it's looks like I'll be having a change of PLANS! (starts to chase a screaming Badbird around the room…)
BB: SOMEBODY HELP ME! SHE'S MAD!
Vi: Oh you say the sweetest things…!
(Back in the Council Chambers, Speedy has gone over to Al and given him a hug too)
Speedy: Thankyou Al! For always believing in me!
Al: (embarrassed) Ah geez...You don't have to hug me Speedy…
Speedy: YES I DO!
Al: No, you don't...
Speedy: YES I DO!
Al: NO…(pushes him away)…you don't!
(Speedy now walks over to Polly and Guido who have been standing quietly in the corner…)
Speedy: (with a change of tone) And as for you two…! What have you got to say for yourselves?
Guido and Polly: (speaking over the top of one another) Guido talked me into it!…Polly was the one who said the spaceship was real!…Well he found the spaceship!…She's so stupid she thought it was one of those new government trains!…Guido I never said that! Besides you were the one who thought the whole WHAM thing was creepy!…You found that CD Polly! I said the spaceship was from Star Wars!…That was me!…No it wasn't! It was me!…YUK! Don't breath on me! You have garlic breath!…WHAT?!
N: I think this is evidence that Guido and Polly have spent waaay to much time together, and as co-stars they should reduce this. Or we could just put them on Jerry Springer and make a whole lot of dough!...Did I mention Big Cheese just arrived back from his plant hunt?
BC: (beaming) OH JERRY! I found the cutest little posy in some senile woman's back yard! I called it FRENCHIE!
Jerry: (acting overly impressed) Terrific BOSS! Way to GO!
BC: So! Has Princess Vi killed the alien yet?! I brought some energy drink to celebrate!
N: I think you can guess what happens next. Big Cheese had his usual blow up causing "Frenchie" to be his fifth house plant to perish. So! I suppose that wraps things up…
Speedy: But there's still two minutes left.
N: Well get on with IT!
Speedy: Man, what a grouch! We outta put him on Jerry Springer.
Polly: (approaching Speedy) Sorry about the whole alien thing Speedy…I guess we got a bit carried away.
Speedy: That's okay Polly. Don't worry about it. I just want to forget that today ever happened...AND have a word with the producers about certain things.
Polly: (hugs him tightly) No more conspiracies from now on, okay?
Speedy: (hugs her back) Don't worry, I'll make sure of that!
Guido: About that spacecraft Cheese built…(looking at Polly)…you gotta admit, that was pretty cool! I mean, for his usual standard.
Fran: Big Cheese never built a spaceship silly!
Guido: What do you mean?
Al: (agrees) I believe she's right.
Fran: I looked through his personal files and there was nothing about a spaceship! As if he could afford it anyway. You know he couldn't!
Guido: (looking at Polly) But…?
Polly: (looking at Guido) Then…?
Speedy: Are you guys sure you just didn't see my Volvo?
N: FINALLY! We end today's show with a mystery never to be solved. Was the spaceship really Speedy's joke of a vehicle? Or was it something else…I couldn't care less so I'm going home. BYE!
(Outside the Palace a giant UFO is hovering in the sky...)
Little Green Alien #1: Screw invading this planet! The brain power of this town in unsatisfactory. If all earthings are like this, we will have no use for them. They can not match our genius!
Little Green Alien #2: At least we got a WHAM CD.
Little Green Alien #1: Yes! All hail WHAM!
(The spaceship zooms of into out of space…)
Sorry about the delay! I'll have new story up soon. Thanx!