[Disclaimer: Lord of the Rings belongs to Tolkien; the PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia; Erika, Nathea, Latisha and Etienne belong to melamin venea, not that we would want them; and Threnody and Jaster belong to us.]
"I'm coming, I'm coming," muttered the young man, rolling off of the couch. Draped in blankets, he rubbed his morning stubble and shuffled to the console. His heavy-laden eyes quickly glanced over the report of the newest Mary Sue and popped open with shock. The information on the screen sent waves of numbness throughout his body and he had to brace himself on the control panel in fear of collapsing.
Glancing around the room for his partner, he spied her perched, of all places, on top of the speaker in the corner.
"What?" she asked, tumbling off and landing in a heap at his feet. "Another Mary Sue?" Her eyes glazed over with a look that was all too familiar to Jaster. A look of good-natured bloodlust. The contradiction in terms was almost the equal of any Mary Sue out there, but somehow Threnody pulled it off without making too many heads hurt.
"Oh yes…and I believe you shall have quite a lot of fun with killing this one," he sighed, plopping down in the control chair (one in which he frequently enjoyed rolling around the room), bringing up the information for their next mission.
Bloodthirsty eyes took one look at the screen and the room echoed with a shrill shriek of horror. "HOW DARE SHE!?"
Muttering imprecations related to the author's stupidity and the Rules forbidding the killing of the actual authors, she tapped in disguises, set the portal, and shoved Jaster (who whined something about that being his job) through without saying anything more comprehensible than "gonna hurt them…"
After being shoved through the portal, Jaster found himself face first in the dirt of a rather large, and rather dark forest. Trying to push himself up, he noticed his hands (and arms) were no longer recognizable as those of humans. They were now long, hairy, and multi-jointed. He let out a horrifying and monstrous shriek, discovering he was now a giant and not-so-cuddly arachnid.
"What?" she shrugged innocently, "It's Mirkwood." A car-sized spider shrugging is a very strange sight, one to which Jaster was now treated.
"But didn't the Sue start out in modern Earth?"
"I am not going to have my face rubbed into any more angst than necessary. We will meet her in Mirkwood. And she is going to die for making Legolas into a misogynistic bastard."
Hearing such things from his partner didn't faze him anymore as it once did (when they had first been assigned as partners, he had spend most of his time hiding in the corner). He had (mostly) gotten used to her violent thirsts for blood since then. Sort of. Doing his best to stand up on all eight legs, he reminded himself that this would take some getting used to. Lifting one of his forelegs, he checked the CAD in search of their target. He wasn't sure quite how he managed that, since arachnid legs have no fingers, but he did manage it somehow.
"She's still in modern Earth at the moment. She should arrive in about five minutes, and get into a fight with Legolas, which she wins then she doesn't. I don't know how this stupid Sue figured out that stupid fight, but Erika, that's the Sue, gets captured by Sadist!Legolas, who later turns into Sweet!Legolas." Her ten eyes glazed over again. "Kill…"
Sighing, Jaster resumed his information checks in order to devise some sort of plan for when the group of misguided characters arrived (accompanied by the Sue herself). "You know, I think you should get more sleep at night—it helps lower the intensity of your killing-spree moods." Saying this would be vain, for he had said it many times over, but he said it anyway.
"Sleep is for the weak." The giant spider that was Threnody pricked up her, well, they weren't precisely ears, but… "Sue's coming; hide, or she'll see us!"
Looking up at the swaying branches, Jaster let loose a large strand of webbing. With spider-precision (mainly from reading many Marvel comics), he accomplished a perfect hit to one of the high limbs. Swiftly he climbed up and beckoned Threnody to follow, but once again sighed to see her already at the top.
Underneath them, a girl with ridiculously colored eyes (silver and green? What?) and chocolate brown hair ran into Evil!Legolas. A highly improbable fight ensued, in which the Sue entered their tree at one point, but soon was on the ground again, being bound by the blond elf in chocolate coloured clothing.
"Chocolate hair, chocolate leggings, chocolate clothing for Legolas…I am developing a need for a chocolate fix," remarked Threnody sarcastically.
"Oh, please, no. I already emptied my wallet in buying you last week's fix!" Jaster silently lamented over the wasted dreams he threw away in order to appease Threnody's threats.
Glancing down he noticed the group were already moving on. "Come on, they're on the move." Swiftly he jumped to the tree ahead of them, and to the next, in pursuit of their prey.
Threnody followed, muttering something along the lines of "how can she be trespassing if they haven't reached Mirkwood yet? And how did she get that sword away from her bloody throat? Moving should have killed her… Poor Legolas… he didn't get the chance to do us all a favor…"
Jaster did his best to keep the party in sight. After a few hours of walking, Erika fainted from exhaustion. He motioned Threnody to stop and they waited as Legolas hefted her onto his shoulders. His could sense his partner's hair bristling and heard the mutterings of why he would even help this poor excuse for a Sue.
"You don't replace a word with a letter in a story, nor do you use a numeral instead of spelling out a number, idiot Sue. Didn't you learn anything in English class? Commas are your friend. Good capitalization is your friend. Random capitalization of words is not. Don't want to let the cat out of the bag? That's a terrible pun. Puns are bad. Cute animal friends are bad. I am going to eat your kitten. Melody is a stupid name for a cat. It should be something better. Melody is a stupid mermaid/not mermaid who should have drowned. Bad Sue. Cats land on their feet and wouldn't break their back falling out of a tree. Stupid Sue. Terrible grammar, no commas, I am going to kill you very painfully…" Jaster ignored Threnody's ramblings.
They continued their tracking as the group continued, but not even a half hour later the elf prince grew tired from the girl's weight and set her down for a break. This agitated even Jaster, who normally kept his emotions out of his job, but to alter the Elven physiology so disrespectfully pierced the wall holding back his passions of Middle-Earth.
A flurry of birds squawked and flew off in different directions at the agent's bellow. Jaster was on the verge of jumping from the tree and killing her then and there, but his shout startled even himself. Putting his two forelegs across his mouth, he glanced apologetically at Threnody.
Looking down, the two saw the group looking around to see what the noise had been, drawing their weapons and ready to attack anything that came by.
Thinking quickly, Threnody whooshed in a high to low pitch "WhaaAAAaaaatttt…." Nervously looking down, Jaster saw them shrug and Lieveryo (one of Legolas' Elvish grunts) suggest that it was the wind. The Sue's influence having already taken effect, forcing them to be even more stupid than she herself, they bought it and put away their blades and bows.
Jaster sighed, but gave a startled (yet quiet) yipe as one of Threnody's legs smacked him over the head. "You're lucky the Sue is unconscious. You idiot. If they had seen us…we would be dead spiders. Elves don't miss."
She smacked him again, for good measure.
Had the two agents not been invisible to canons, the two spiders sitting up in the tree above three elves eating a surprisingly canonical meal of fruit and bread would have been a very strange sight. Well, the bread was lembas, which was reserved for long journeys, but it was still rather refreshing. Until the Sue woke up, which was when Evil!Legolas suddenly decided that he had been too rough with her ("You can never be too rough with a Sue, foolish prince," Threnody contradicted quietly.) and began to care for her bruises sustained at his hand.
"Gah! He said that she wouldn't eat until she told him what she was doing there, now he's giving her food and medicine. Stupid Sue." No tagline is really necessary here, is it?
The elves, for some stupid reason unexplained by the Sue author, left their prisoner alone, after returning her Cute Animal Friend ™. Threnody was incoherent.
Jaster knew that Threnody was pondering the many ways she could kill the cat friend, but he tried to prevent himself from bringing it up. He watched the horrid events unfold down below and through this, noticed that all of Erika's wounds were healed in quite a short time (even though Legolas specifically told her it would take at least "2" days).
"Hey Threnody, care to take a look at her underarm?"
It did not seem possible for Threnody's eyes to get any angrier. Nevertheless, they literally took on the red glow usually associated with a Balrog. Spiders the size of Jeeps are scary enough, but when their eyes are glowing red in fury, they are absolutely terrifying. Jaster backed away, slowly. A series of clicks and hisses streamed forth from her mandibles. Jaster didn't really want to know what she was saying, or, for that matter, what language she was saying it in, but his final analysis was not particularly pleasant.
When Legolas recaptured her, Threnody grumbled about the stupidity of the prince, due entirely to the Sue's influence, in leaving her alone, or, in fact, leaving her alive. When the Sue started singing Linkin Park, she started to recite the Ainulindalë to herself, adding in her own commentary that generally digressed upon various topics, including, but not limited to, the various uses of curare, the scientific classification of Carcharoth, and her favorite colors.
After thirty minutes of torture, Legolas regressed to evilness, Threnody nearly had an apoplectic fit after the author used 'quick' where she should have used 'quickly' and the Sue fell asleep thinking about the '2' words, 'much' and 'worse'. Why they should be so all consuming, neither agent knew, or cared.
The Sue woke continuously through the night, still pondering the words 'much' and 'worse.' Of course, Threnody's furious ranting in the tree above her head probably added to Erika's insomnia.
In the morning, the Sue was awakened by one of the grunts, who weren't really distinguishable from one another, pulled to her feet, untied, then tied up again. The agents gave her an odd look, but only shook their heads. The Sue was so stupid, it had ceased to surprise them. And she had already given Threnody enough reason to kill her horribly.
Jaster awoke to the noise of the group. Apparently, Erika was receiving a revelation that she was an elf (which she had not pondered before even with pointed ears and constant mocking from her peers—everyone), and she had a very hard time believing it. Understandable. But why kick a rock at someone who only tried to say something witty to her. Tried. Let's be very clear on that.
'4' hours of silence passed for the group on the ground. The spiders, however, weren't so quiet. In fact, Threnody ranted nonstop.
"…boil them, mash them, stick 'em in a stew, and feed 'em to Barlog the Balrog."
Jaster raised one arachnid eyebrow, but did not reply. Instead, his eyes wandered ahead and he gasped, "Great Eru in Heaven!" He nudged Threnody and pointed to a white, shimmering castle ahead of them. "She didn't….did she?"
Threnody's eyes bulged. "That's it. I'm not waiting any longer; turning Mirkwood into a castle—oh. Damn. We can't kill her until the other three show up. I hate the Rules. I am not going to submit myself to that idiot's idea of angst for the next several weeks." She pulled out the remote activator and hit a few buttons, portalling ahead to several weeks later, when Erika learned she was a 'nymph,' which conjured up some really, really disturbing images in the agents' minds, considering that Jaster had been a student of ancient mythology before being recruited, and he occasionally tried to calm Threnody with retelling of myths. And nymphs are not exactly the most . . . modest of women in the myths . . .
They sat through a sickeningly sweet reunion between the Sue and her dead mother. They also watched the Sue meet the three other Sues through windows (well, one was a Sam, but it came to the same thing in the end), Threnody muttering angrily about the unlikelihood of a nymph of water and earth. The Sue said the one clever thing that she had said through the story, calling the other Sue, Latisha, 'mud.'
When Erika took Legolas on a wild joyride a-dragonback, Jaster had to restrain Threnody from several murders before they were strictly allowed. Fortunately for her sanity, or what was left of it, morning arrived quickly, and with it, the four characters' time to die.
"A time to kill…" muttered Threnody irately as they arrived on the training field, which was next to 'Mirkwood castle.' The three 'nymphs,' one of which was male, and, due to his name, Etienne, rather French sounding, were standing on the training field with the "Elven wise-woman," Nathea.
"Good. Now Erika, we were just about to work on using our element in conflict. Latisha and Etienne already know all this so you two go practice." She turned to the other nymphs. "This time please remember it is only a practice, not a war."
They both smiled evilly and walked off to find a clear space.
Nathea sighed. "Those two." She looked at them warily then turned back to Erika.
"HOLD IT!" Two enormous spiders charged onto the training field, thoroughly startling the five figures, Nathea, Erika, Latisha, Etienne, and poor Legolas, who stood there staring, even more confused than he had been since the story began. The larger of the two spiders pointed a hairy limb at Erika, saying, "Erika, you are charged with being a Mary-Sue, mucking with the known backstory for Mirkwood by stating that it was guarded by four elemental nymphs (who never existed in Tolkien's canon, as you should know if you ever read the books), being unable to decide whether Legolas was a cruel sadist or a sweet pile of goo at your feet, making Thranduil stupider than you are, (quite a feat, I do assure you), being a nymph of bloody air, flying around, performing feats of arms that are quite impossible, (dearie, no one can kick a sword away from their throat when it is right there. Legolas should have killed you.), turning Mirkwood into a bloody castle, having two Cute Animal Friends ™, one of which should never have been friendly (dragons were bloody evil in Tolkienverse), and really, really getting on my nerves. You have no rights and are forthwith sentenced to death. I don't really care if you have any last words or not." With that, it jumped forward onto the stunned nymph and bit down hard on her throat.
Spitting out the remains of the Sue, it turned to face the other three, "As for you, Latisha and Nathea, you are charged with being stupid, Latisha with being a Mary Sue, and for having ridiculous powers that are totally uncanonical, you too are sentenced to death. Jaster, if you would?"
Calmly, the other spider shrugged, then hissed at the terrified women. Strands of webbing shot from him, hitting one and pinning her to the ground. The other he jumped onto and coolly drained her of her life. Then, dropping the corpse, Jaster crawled slowly to the other, who was doing her best to free herself. He jabbed his two forelegs into her and knew that Threnody would have enjoyed the scream. Somewhat satisfied he retracted his legs and walked up to his partner's side.
"Etienne, you don't have much of a charge list and weren't quite so annoying, so you can either join us or be favored with a merciful execution."
The black-haired 'nymph' looked terrified. "I guess you don't want to join us then." She served him as she had Erika.
Legolas had been watching this entire proceeding in stunned amazement, and now looked at the four corpses with disgust. "I loved…that?" He then proceeded to retch into the nearby bushes.
Threnody pulled out the neuralyzer and motioned to her partner to close his eyes. "Prince Legolas, you never saw us, or those four. You have been out hunting spi—deer, and are going home now." The blond prince nodded, glassy-eyed, and turned to walk away.
"Now, let's go kill the dragon."
The dragon proved ridiculously easy to deal with, and the assassins portalled way back in time, dumped the bodies into the chasm where Maedhros met his doom, and returned to HQ. Jaster, once through the portal, took several moments to look at his arms and legs, making sure that they were back to normal.
"Remind me not to let you set the disguises ever again."
[Threnody's A/N: As you might have guessed from the sudden shortening of the action (and the portalling ahead to almost kill-time), this fic was too painful to go through the whole thing. I was about ready to hunt down and kill the author. How dare she write elemental creatures into Middle-Earth!? still furious and in dire need of Bleepka.
Jaster's A/N: I share in Threnody's pain and continue to lament over how one such as this particular author could have trashed Tolkien's good works. Although, I somehow doubt that I would be so fanatic as to go and kill the poor Suvian. I may need some time to delete this story from my memory…]