The Hitchhiker's Guide to Spira
Chapter 42: So long, and thanks for all the reviews
As Tidus' journeys with Yuna continue he can't help but notice the odd amounts of people who don't seem to belong in Spira. Luckily he still has that ever-so-useful Guide that will explain everything, even if it has to break the fourth wall
Disclaimer: I definitely don't own the stuff in here...
Plasma:Sorry for the... extended delay... To be honest I got busy with college work and then I was too lazy for a while once Winter Break began. But I couldn't leave this hanging forever, not with one chapter left! In other news, I had some pretty phail reviews over the past few weeks. I think I'll share some of the choicer phail ones with you:
Story: The Hitchhiker's guide to Spira
Chapter: 6. On the road again
From: Bah ()
The whole yuna joke is fail, she's a girl so it's just boring instead of funny. BACK TO THE KITCHEN YUNA!
Story: The Hitchhiker's guide to Spira
Chapter: 9. Final Fantasy X is on FIRE!
From: x ()
Well I think it's epic funny. The only beef I have with it, is your Yuna, she's terrible, she should be a ditz, now that'd be funny! Not some feministwho needs to be shot, killed, buried, erased from history, never spoken about and promptly forgotten.
Plasma: Wow, I had no idea Stephanie Myers was reading my story.
Priere: For those who don't get the joke, Twilight is a wretched hive of scum and villainy, but it also sets feminism back by a few years, since every strong character is male and Bella generally can't do a damn thing on her own, without her man. Breaking Dawn doesn't even count either, since she only reached the modicum of strength she obtained in that one thanks to Edward, once again. Plasma Knight does believe in the phrase "Don't explain the joke", but he also felt this one was a bit too obscure for people to understand it without some explanation.
Plasma: Let it be known, I'm also male. I just respect women. And I do have to disagree on one account: Alice at least was epic win the whole way through. Anyways, you backwards buffoon, know that I don't tolerate this sort of sexist BS. Accept the fact that Yuna's... well... a scrapper in this story, or GTFO. That's all I can say. Unfortunately, since this is the last chapter, if you actually get this far to read it, there's no point in backing out now. Darnit. Besides, Yuna in my story isn't a feminist, she's just a bitch. There's a difference.
Story: The Hitchhiker's guide to Spira
Chapter: 3. Sin strikes back!
From: ! ()
Avoid blasphemy please and remember that although spira people or whatever
worship yevon, he's not a god don't forget since you kill him and you can't
kill a god.
Plasma: (Stabbing a cross with a blunt rusty butter knife) huh, what? Somebody's talking?
Priere: Just so you know, Plasma's atheist. He finds attempts to defend God highly amusing.
Plasma: I'm not atheist.
Priere: Oh? What do you worship then?
Plasma: I'm the chosen High Priest of the Church of Oyashiro-Sama, which worships Hanyuu, Goddess of Sweets. I'm spreading Her word. Join us! Those who convert to the Church of Oyashiro-Sama will be reborn when judgment day happens, and also if you happen to die before or after said day! Oh, anyways, I find it so gosh darn amusing that somebody came to a parody of fucking FINAL FANTASY X, the most religious of all Final Fantasies, and asked me to avoid blasphemy. I'm thinking this guy was the same as the last two, since the names are always different and I doubt I have that many idiots reading my story. So, to reward your audacity, I'm going to suggest that Yu Yevon might just have been a god.
Priere: Besides, just check out Discworld. Gods can die.
From: Sigh ()
"by the gods" ? It rocked until that point...
Plasma: Sorry, sorry, my bad. By Odin. Or Zeus. Maybe Buddha. It might seem like I'm being a huge prick, but it irritates me this guy comes in spouting his ultra-conservative hogwash on reviews, when I actually wanna see people reviewing my other story more to begin with. In other news, I'm beginning to see why most authors block anonymous reviews.
Yu Yevon's Psychedelic place:
The party all woke up to find themselves in an LSD-induced Nightmare.
Auron: Somehow we're inside of Cyans soul!
Tidus: No, this is Yu Yevon's place. And once we beat Yu yevon, I'll go away.
Yuna: What!? You're skipping out on me!?
Tidus: No, it's just... this is my story! And I'm gonna end it!
Yuna: Then, it'll be my story!
Plasma: I don't be doing that story.
Yuna: Darn. Okay then, (summons Valefor)
Valefor: Hello, mortals. (Possess'ed by Yu Yevon.)
Yuna: MY GOD! The Dark Aeons!
Wakka: No! Yah!
Lulu: That statement was contradictory!
Auron: We're gonna die!
Valefor: Rawr! Valefor smash puny humans! (Energy Blast)
And then the irritatingly long angel thing came in and revived them.
Tidus: Hey, we're alive again!
Yuna: Yay for not being dead!
Rikku: I guess people DON'T die when they're killed
So the party wailed on Valefor. This battle is a good display of why Monsters always have crap stats but high HP: Just about any non-blockable attack will kill Valefor on the spot, but basically any single attack it launches will eviscerate your characters. So, Valefor died, Yuna got high apparently or something, and then she summoned again.
Ifrit: Rawr! Ifrit smash puny humans! (Hellfire)
And they revived again. And this just kept going. The rest has been abridged! It's even more irritating with those stupid towers taking up a half minute every time they use their energy wave attack. Well, anyways, after probably a half hour of slogging through the Aeons, Yu Yevon finally shows his true form.
Tidus: It's... a giant tick?
Yuna: You've got to be ****** kidding me.
Wakka: We were worshiping THAT all this time, ya?
Lulu: Is it too late to become a Jedi too, Wakka?
Rikku: I'm glad I never worshiped it...
Kimahri: I find this situation increasingly unlikely and frankly ludicrous.
Auron: Now! Now is the time to choose! Die and be free - aww, I'm just kidding! He couldn't really kill us anyway.
Yu Yevon: I take offense to that! (Gravija)
Tidus: He just hurt himself! Let's swing wildly, it might work again! (Swings wildly.)
Yu Yevon: You won't hurt me! (Curaga counter)
Auron: Well, that sucks. I know what to do! (Zombie Attack)
Yu Yevon: I must heal! (Curaga counter) ouch! Healing spells, why do you hurt me!?
Tidus: He's vulnerable to healing magic and Zombie? Jecht was vulnerable to Zombie, but he was invulnerable to all healing effects. This guy just sucks!
Yuna: I agree. (Full-Life.)
Yu Yevon: No! No! Say it isn't so!
~One Incredibly Long Death Animation Later~
Back at Besaid, the Crusaders, don't ask what the heck Lucile's team is doing there, mind you, are cheering Sin's downfall with the rest of the villagers. I have no idea how they know Sin died... Meanwhile, the Fayth fade and turn to stone.
Back at Sin, inside him mind you, Yuna's doing her voodoo dance again. I'm sure she'll be glad to never dance... again... oh hell, Yuna may as well become a Professional Dancer after this. Being a Grade-A Dope is the only other thing she's good at.
And then, Auron started to fade.
Yuna: (Takes notice) Sir Auron!
Auron: Don't stop. It's been long enough.
And then Auron took a slow walk through all the party, checking them out in turn. Kimahri got a friendly tap even. Strange that so many people support AuronxRikku, when theres... nothing at all to support it...
Auron: This... is your story now. And I'm glad as hell I'm getting out of it before all the grabass begins.
And then Auron faded, taking all the badass in the story with him. Then, the party shows some epic teleporting powers by suddenly being back at the Airship now, where Yuna is sending all the Aeons... and Sin. Explodes in a rather kick-ass flurry of Pyreflies that light the sky as if it were daytime. The Farplane is going to be very crowded tonight. Then, back at Mount Gagazet, all the Fayth fade and turn to stone, and the pillars of Water collapse. Rather logical, something like that WOULD have trouble keeping itself up without magical influence :/
Oh, and Tidus is fading. Yuna takes notice.
Yuna: No! You can't leave too!
Tidus: (Condescendingly) Sorry Yuna, I gotta go!
Yuna tries to run up to Tidus, but instead runs through him. That'd be rather ironic if she fell off the airship and to her death, wouldn't it?
Yuna: (Gets back up.) I love you.
Tidus: (GHOST HUG!)
Yuna: You better not be feeling me up.
Tidus: I can't. I lost my solidness.
And so Tidus jumps off the ship, flying past the ghosts of Auron and Braska and giving Jecht a High-Five.
Jecht: Hey kid, welcome to the cool club!
Auron: Yes, it's all different on the other side.
Braska: We're gonna have a wild eternity.
Tidus: Excellent! You were right, Auron, I'm getting out of Spira while the getting's good.
Auron: Glad to see you're smart.
Yuna's whistling for Tidus, fat lot of good it does her, mind you, when Lulu arrives.
Lulu: It's time, Yuna!
Yuna: But he can hear me, I know it!
Lulu: (sigh) Yuna, you're going to have to move on. He would want it...
Yuna: No! No moving on!
Lulu: Wasn't the whole point of our journey and the whole aesop of the story about not living eternally in the past?
Yuna: Maybe, but the Aesop of MY story is that chasing your past will improve your future!
Lulu: ... Those aesops conflict.
Plasma: And THAT'S why I hate the moral of FFX-2. In some ways it spits in the face of the moral of FFX! The whole point of FFX is that change is okay, but Yuna spends most of FFX-2 trying to change BACK! It's wonky!
And so Yuna gives her speech.
Yuna: Hey, Everyone! Sin's dead! Praise my worthy name!
And there was much praising to be had.
Yuna: And now that Sin's dead... uhm... Let's do some stuff! Peace!
And so she left. But there was still much praising to be had. And then the J-Pop main theme of the game plays, and I too am out! Peace!
Plasma: Few! This story was ages and ages in the making! But it's over now!
Priere: What about Ivalice?
Priere: Hitchhiker's guide to Ivalice.
Plasma: I'll get to that eventually! Get off my back!
Remember to praise my worthy name!