Author's note: A weird little idea that popped into my head while I was looking at a fantastic fantasy artist. Just had to get it out and practice some writing, which I haven't done in a while. I'm a bit satirical.. so.. watch out and enjoy ;)Legolas and the Underrated Part of His Anatomy
By Celestra (Les-chan) AKA El S
It was a beautiful day in Middle-Earth. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and the Valar decided to give proof of their sense of humor by once again dropping a Mary-Sue amongst the normal inhabitants.
The first time this happened, it was in fact an accident. The Valar hadn't meant to do it. They were just having fun and wanted to see what would happen if they mixed frogspawn with Miracle-Gro and concentrated orange juice mix, and voilà! Out popped a perky, dizzyingly beautiful girl with an insatiable taste for man-flesh and breasts the size of a full-grown hobbit.
Instead of scrapping their little science experiment, the Valar decided to let it loose in Middle-Earth to see what would happen. There, Mary-Sue (as dubbed by the Valar with the speech impediment who was trying to say 'hey, you!' in order to get another Valar to pass the ketchup) ran rampant throughout the land. She raped elves, molested hobbits, and did obscene things with the branches of an Ent. And the Valar had never known such random hilarity. And the Valar saw that it was good. On the second day . . .
Thus, the tradition of creating Mary-Sues and setting them upon Valar-fearing citizens became a custom of the Valar whenever they got too bored and had the desire to mess with the main characters.
As it was, a severe population imbalance was shaking Middle-Earth, as suddenly there was a three to one ratio of busty girls with multicolored eyes and hair so shiny that it seemed greasy more than anything else. The fact that these girls were all named Mary-Sue and attacked anything with male genitalia didn't make anyone happy. More than one hobbit required severe psychological repairing after being molested and traumatized and losing their hobbity innocence.
The Mary-Sue de jour was currently prowling the forest. She had flowing aqua hair that cascaded down her back in soft ringlets like a waterfall, with a sheen that would put angels to shame. Her eyes were the brightest of neon oranges but they flashed silver-turquoise-plaid at emotional moments. Her skin was fair, pale, and soft despite all her training in the hot sun because she was best swordswoman-archer-bus driver in the land. She had a lovely figure with curves in all the right places and a chest that entered the room before she did. Alas, this Mary-Sue was even more perfect than the rest.
"Oh, I have the urge to be romantically swept off my feet. It does not matter by whom," Mary-Sue sighed, completely ignoring the dwarf hankering after her with a large bouquet of roses.
"Anyone would do! Anyone at all!" Mary-Sue continued, pointedly staring past the dwarf as she plugged him full of lead.
"Except I hate beards," Mary-Sue added as an afterthought as she stuffed her bazooka back into her already amply filled corset.
"In fact, I feel like Elf tonight." Mary-Sue grinned, and started to sing softly in Elvish, hoping to attract wild animals to her and thus enchant any passing Elves with her voice and gift with animals.
Noticing that her voice, so like the tingling of silver bells, so like the flowing of a crystal brook, so like the warbling of a moose, seemed to be giving the surrounding blue birds ulcers, Mary-Sue quickly changed tactics and lay raw meat all around her. Soon she was surrounded by multitudes of coyotes, hyenas, seagulls, vultures, and swamp deer.
"Hark! What sweet tone attracts such beasts yonder?" called a voice. Because of Mary-Sue's super rodent-like sense of hearing, she could immediately tell it was a hot a male Elf.
"It is I, Mary-Sue! And who might you be, good sir?" asked Mary-Sue as the owner of the voice stepped into the clearing where Mary-Sue was residing.
Mary-Sue gasped. She did not need her super tingling spidey-senses to tell her who this was – the clear blue eyes, royal cheek bones, stately nose, the quirked endearing mouth, the graceful sloping neck, and the hair like spun gold – this was clearly Legolas. 'He looks exactly like the pictures in my closet-shrine at home,' thought Mary-Sue.
Legolas had never seen such a repulsive sight. Feasting carrion, with the swamp deer growling ferociously, surrounded the creature in front of him. Not only was her hair a shocking shade of blue, but also it was so shiny that it looked greasier than Aragorn's after a weeklong trek through the woods. Her eyes were large, but not prettily so – they put Gollum to shame, and they were currently flashing plaid with adoration. Her chest was bigger then his whole head, which was actually a bit intimidating. But the Valar sensed vast potentials of amusement and sent one of their own dressed in a Cupid costume to remedy Legolas' opinion (he was sharply hit upon the head with a box of Valentines' chocolates and became so disoriented that Mary-Sue started to look attractive).
The author quickly grew sick of all the descriptive imagery and was even more nauseated at the thought of writing long scenes in which to place Legolas and Mary-Sue in romantic situations realistically. So instead, Legolas and Mary-Sue speedily had a random pillow-fight, which culminated into awkward positions that would put a porn star to shame and giggly declarations of love.
As he stared at Mary-Sue in his arms, Legolas immediately turned into a sappy pansy that could not imagine life without the precious being currently held close to him. For her part, Mary-Sue just tittered and played with his flaxen hair.
As Mary-Sue leaned into Legolas to breathe soft-nothings into his ears (and try not to sound like a panting stalker, because apparently hobbits didn't go for that), Mary-Sue looked admiringly at the pointy ears of her beloved. Then she started, and took a good long look.
His ears were gross! They came to the point after widening massively, and the ridges within looked so unnatural compared to her own perfect ears. They took up the whole side of his head and jiggled weirdly when he moved. It was kind of purple-red looking and gave the impression of a pulsating organ. She leapt back, revolted.
"How come I never noticed how weird Elves' ears are before? They're disgusting!"
Legolas stared at Mary-Sue with hurt, tear-filled eyes. "But beloved, I thought you loved me! Surely you can accept me even if my ears are pointed?"
"Are you crazy! I'm a Mary-Sue! I demand perfection!" Mary-Sue stamped her foot, not noticing she was crushing a gopher. "If you can't get rid of those unsightly pointed ears, then we're through!"
And so Mary-Sue threw off her massive engagement ring and stormed off to seduce a man in Gondor, not realizing that although he didn't have pointed ears, he did, in fact, have a tail.
Legolas went into a short period of mourning and attempted to pull a Van Gogh before the Valar took pity on him and let him in on the little prank they had pulled. For you see, when the Valar in the Cupid costume flew by, not only did he force Legolas to fall in love with Mary-Sue, but concealed in the box of chocolates was a form of living kryptonite which molded itself to Legolas' ears and made them look huge and nastier than they really were.
Legolas flicked the stuff off and found that his ears weren't as bad as Mary-Sue had described – they were practically normal with just a slight point at the very tip. Legolas then became very angry that the Valar was the reason his true love had forsaken him before realizing that Mary-Sue was practically a living STD and was in fact very icky. He was overcome by a strong desire to wash his hands (and various other body parts, as well), and the feasting scavengers did nothing to help. So Legolas ran off to the Last Homely House where he refused to leave for a week.
As it happened, Peter Jackson came upon the living kryptonite on the ground beside the discarded engagement ring, and for whatever godforsaken reason decided to taste it. He then decided to make a movie about Elves and some ring so he could have an excuse to make edible prosthetic ears.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the tale on how Legolas' ears, the most underrated part of his anatomy, saved him from the terrible fate of a Mary-Sue.
End notes: Err, yeah. Don't even ask me where this came from; I am fully aware that it is incredibly random. But please review, as I would really enjoy hearing what you had to say )