Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural.
Note: This story popped into my head last night after watching Devil's Trap yet again. Oh…I am so worried about the boys and Papa Winchester. I never thought I'd be wishing for a summer to pass quickly. Well anyway, I'm proud of the way this story turned out. I really like it and I hope you do too. Please review and let me know. Reviews brighten a gray day like sunshine: ) (Yeah, I realize how cheesy that was.)
Hands are shaking cold
Your hands are mine to hold
Speak to me
-"Move Along" by The All American Rejects
Sam had found the letter accidentally, while flipping through papers in the Impala's glove box. He had been looking for a police report that Dean had "misplaced." Sam knew it was most likely gone for good though, and then he thought about the glove box. He barely ever opened it and never had even given the papers in it a second glance. Maybe Dean had stuck it in there. So while Dean was still asleep Sam had walked out to the car glimmering in the early morning sun and jimmied the lock since he couldn't find the right key on Dean's Led Zeppelin key ring. Among several unpaid speeding tickets, the title to the Impala, and Sam and Dean's birth certificates there was a plain white sealed envelope marked "Sam". Sam had glanced up at the closed door to the motel room. What could be in there? He slid his finger gingerly along the opening and the envelope popped open. The sticky line was yellowed with age and obviously not very sticky anymore. Sam took out the wrinkled folded over notebook paper and smoothed it against the steering wheel. He began to read.
You are the first thing I think of when I wake up every day. You always have been ever since the day you were born. You have never been a burden or unwanted. You have been my purpose. If you are reading this, I am already dead. Don't feel bad, you can go on without me. I know you can. You are so much stronger than you think. I pray that I gave my life to save yours. If I did, wherever I am right now I am so happy to know you are all right. I would never want to survive without you, knowing I failed you in the ultimate way. I never want to fail you, Sammy. I know sometimes it makes you mad that Dad isn't very much of a father to us, but let it go. Dad never knew how to go on without Mom. He has tried his best and please, love him for that. I know you can. You are such a good person, much better than I am. You have a big heart, full of forgiveness. You've shown it to me multiple times. If I ever hurt you Sammy, really hurt you, please know that I never ever meant to. The last thing I would ever want to do is cause you pain. Did you know that when Mom brought you home from the hospital I hated you? It's true, but it makes me cringe to say that I ever felt something for you that was not love in its purest form. I never wanted a brother but after a while I realized that you were exactly what I needed. Especially after Mom. You gave me a chance to throw myself into something, to forget how much I missed her. God, did I miss her. You never knew Mom and there's no real way to tell you how much I'm sorry for that. My memories of her have faded a little with time but I still knew her. I knew how kind and loving and smart she was. You're a lot like her, Sammy. When she was gone, Dad didn't know what to do. It was like he couldn't be bothered with children. Don't be mistaken, he loved us. He loved us a lot, but he was at such a loss, he was inconsolable. So it was up to me. I fed you, changed your diapers, and played with you. And I loved it and you more than anything. You grew so fast Sammy. In time you were walking and talking, wanting to climb trees with me and play hide and go seek and tag. You always brought so much happiness to my day. You were like a light in the darkness of our lives. You still are. I taught you to brush your teeth, comb your hair, look before you cross the street, to tie your shoes and I potty-trained you. I helped you learn to read, do math and pee at school without being nervous. I don't know if you remember, but that was quite a problem for a while. I taught you how to shave, how to drive, how to curse, and some great pick-up lines (which you never used). I also taught you how to fight and how to shoot a gun. I was there the first time you took a step (you were 10 months old), the first time you said a word (Hey), and the first time you punched a guy (7th grade, Peter McNichol, he had stolen your calculator). I don't honestly remember where Dad was at those times but that doesn't mean he didn't want to be there. It's just that when he placed you in my arms that night, you became my responsibility. Our lives may have been hard at times, but I wouldn't change a minute. I've always loved the time I've spent with you. I have never regretted any of it. I literally watched you grow up Sam. That's something I would never want to give up or forget about. Being your brother is the best thing I've ever done in my life. It could never be replaced. You have my whole heart, Sammy. There is no one in the world I could ever love as much as I love you. You're my world. Don't you ever forget it. I love you more than you can ever begin to understand. Sometimes it's more than I can understand, but it's there and it always has been and it always will be. I'll always be there beside you, watching over you. Take care of the car. I'll see you again someday but until then just know I love you. You were my reason for living and you were my reason for dying. I'd do it all again without a second thought. Goodbye, Sammy.
Love your brother,
Sam was glad Dean wasn't awake to seem him crying, washing the Chevy's steering wheel with hot tears. Sam carefully folded the letter up and placed it gently in the envelope. He pulled out his notebook from the backseat and began to write.
A couple weeks later and hundreds of miles away, Dean rummaged through the car. He sighed and stuck his hand underneath the seats feeling for a Florida state Morgue badge. All he felt was something sticky. He pulled his hand out and muttered "Gross," as he tried to wipe whatever it was (Gum? Food? A solidified drink?) off his hand. He popped open the glove box and pulled the stack of papers out, thumbing through them, feeling for the hard edge of the laminated badge. He came across the letter marked "Sam" but stuck it on the bottom of the pile, sifting still for the badge. He lifted a yellow parking ticket and found underneath it a simple white envelope marked "Dean". He picked it up and stared at it. He knew this couldn't be…. He looked around but Sam was no where in sight, having had his ID, he was probably already inside looking over the autopsy report. Dean slid the envelope open and unfolded the paper with shaking hands. He began to read.
Thank you. Those words seem so pointless at times but what else can I say? I am more grateful to you than you can begin to fathom. You gave me what little of a normal life and childhood there was to give. You always did everything you could for me, things a normal little boy would have never dreamed of. You're so extraordinary, Dean. You're the best person I will ever know. You're so selfless and full of love for me and Dad. You do anything you can to make us happy, to save us. I just wish that I could save you. I pray that one day I can. I couldn't let you die for me, Dean. It would have killed me in more ways than one. Where would I be without you? Who would I be? I'm nothing without you. I may have gone to Stanford and left you behind, but while I was there it was never home. I missed you so much. Home is where the heart is, the saying goes…my heart is with you. You gave so much of your life for me. You sacrificed your childhood just so I could have one. You always let me play with your toys, you never refused to share with me. You gave me the last of the Lucky Charms, the last cookie, and the last piece of gum. You gave me everything, never thinking of yourself. You would take care of me when I was sick, help me if I was hurt, cheer me up if I was sad and hold me if I had a nightmare. You always said you couldn't stand to see me cry. I can't stand to see you cry, either. I'm sorry that Mom died but sometimes I think it was a blessing in disguise. I lost a mother but I gained a phenomenal brother. I wouldn't be the same without you. You're the only person that I've ever completely put all of my trust in. I know that if I'm in trouble you will always help me. I can always count on you. For my entire life, you've been the one person I knew without a doubt would be by my side. I have so much faith in you, Dean. You're so strong, smart and kind. You always know the right words to say to heal me without even trying. You always know how to fix me. Inside and out. You make me feel so safe. Even when we're fighting something horrible and dangerous, when you're by my side I know we'll be all right. I know Dad used to tell you that if you stayed calm I would too. It's true. Every bad situation we've ever been in, all I have to do is look in your eyes and know that you feel like everything's going to be okay. I know then that it will be. When we were growing up, you were everything I wanted to be. If I'm even half the man you are, I'm doing okay. You're so incredibly brave and completely ready to give your all, just for me. I can't explain how proud I am to be your brother and how much I love you. You are not only my big brother, you're my best friend too. I love you so much, Dean. I will see you again someday, until then I'll live in all my memories of you.
Love your brother,
A tear dropped to the paper and smudged the y on Sammy. Dean leaned his head against the wheel and slid the paper back into the envelope. He wiped the tears from his hot cheeks and pushed the papers back inside the glove box. His hand caught a sharp edge just on the inside. He pulled it out and sighed. It was his missing badge. He wiped his face again with the back of his worn hand and clipped the ID to his shirt. He took a deep breath and walked into the building, returning to the hunt, returning to his brother, returning to his world.
So...what'd ya think?