Les Misérables does not belong to me. The ideas and characters within that splendid tale are from the mind of Victor Hugo and not me. Any original characters which may pop up in this story are my property, as is the overdose of insanity contained within. Read whoever dare. Feedback is welcomed gladly (and with a "Hey, nonny nonny!"). For more of my Les Misérables fanfic, please visit my site. And on a final note, contrary to popular belief and the ditzy personality I have given him, Marius is practically my favorite character; I love and adore him. And show my love by brutally mocking the character. Such is life.
There is a land across the sea from England. It is called France, but that is not really relevant to our story. This country has seen many strange things over its long history, but none were quite so odd as the Baron Marius Fitzwilliam Lucian Humphrey Percival Reginald Umberto Vladimir Sven Alexander Neil Pontmercy (nicknamed 'Bob'). Little Marius was born one day to his two parents (who were his mother and father). Marius was an ugly baby, so his parents stuck him in a bureau drawer until he was five years, three months, two weeks, four days, twenty-three hours, seventeen minutes and six seconds old. He was now a beautiful child, so his parents decided to keep him instead of drowning him in the Seine. At this time, his mother was dead. The fact that she took an active part in this decision (to keep Marius, not to be dead) was a sign that Marius' life was not going to be normal.
One day, Marius' grandfather sneaked into his house and stole Marius from his bed (which was the same bureau drawer; Marius had become rather attached to it). Marius' grandfather was a reformed homicidal maniac and part-time dentist, so of course Marius adored him. He grew up in his grandfather's house a very happy child, having forgotten all about his life with his father and dead mother (although he still had a fondness for bureau drawers).
And so life went on, and Marius grew up to be a handsome young man with luxurious black hair and beautifully manicured nails. Then the day came when Marius found out that his father was alive. Sadly, because Marius stopped to smell the roses on his way over to his father's cottage, dear dad was dead by the time he got there. But Marius was given the title of 'Baron,' his old bureau drawer and three of his father's old shirts, so he was not too torn up about the death. He was also sent on a sacred quest to repay a certain Thénardier for something he had done for Marius' father years before. Marius' grandfather did not approve of sacred quests (having been on a rather unsuccessful one some years before), so Marius was forced to leave the home he loved so well and submerse himself in poverty. Poverty was quite becoming to him, and while his unwashed ragged clothes gave off a terrible stench, he was always followed by several dozen drooling young women (and a few scruffy dogs). But Marius had eyes for only one young woman. Of course, all he had ever seen of her was her ankle, but it was a perfectly lovely ankle, and he fell immediately in love with it. Because he did not know the lady in question's name, he called her Anklette. Marius would hide behind bushes and trees and park benches just to get a glimpse of Anklette. One day he caught sight of her other ankle, and from then on Marius was perfectly miserable until he could meet his love and gaze upon that wonderful matching pair of ankles. The trouble was that Anklette, being a young and innocent girl, was always accompanied by an older gentleman with white hair. His hair was as white as a cloud that resembles a whale swimming through the air. His hair was whiter than three dozen sugar cubes. In fact, his hair was so white that Marius nicknamed him Mister Black. Mister Black discreetly indicated to Marius that Anklette was not available to just any dirty young man (this discreet indication involved a lot of shouting and waving about of a large cane). Marius was not one to give up so easily though, so he then hid himself away in his apartment and mourned the loss of his beloved Anklette (of course, he could have chased after her and stolen her from Mister Black, but his idea of not giving up easily involved…well…giving up easily).
It was in this apartment that Marius met the lovely Eponine. Eponine was beautiful. She had long auburn curls and bright blue eyes. Her skin was as creamy as non-dairy creamer and her toenails were always trimmed. When she spoke, her voice reminded Marius of a thousand ringing bells with some singing angels thrown in for good measure. Or rather, this is what she would have been like if she had not been a lousy impoverished drunk. But that is what she was, so Marius did not really pay her a bit of attention, which is why she could get away with hiding under his bed all day, hoping for a glimpse of his well-toned calves when he changed into his nightshirt every evening (it was a lovely nightshirt with embroidered sheep on it that actually belonged to Eponine's younger sister Azelma, but Marius did not know this; he had just found it in a local bureau drawer).
After a short while of poverty, Marius decided that he wanted to make some friends. So he skipped over to the nearest café and introduced himself to a lovely young man named Montparnasse. Montparnasse introduced Marius to his gang, and Marius was very happy. Marius and Monty were the best of friends, until one day Monty and the boys ganged up on Marius and tried to kill him. Marius was able to escape thanks to Eponine, who was a practicing ninja in her spare time.
Marius decided that he should find some more friends, so once again he skipped over to the nearest café. This time he introduced himself to a lovely young man named Enjolras. Enjolras was tall and blonde and so angelic that sometimes he glowed. All the girls were in love with Enjolras, but he did not pay them a bit of attention because all his thoughts were concentrated on his dream of making it big in the world of opera. The opera career had not quite taken off yet though, so Enjolras was working as a Planner of Revolutions. Enjolras had some nice friends. There was Joly who was a hypochondriac, although Marius did not know what that meant. There was Grantaire, who could out-drink everyone in France (except Eponine). There was Bossuet, who had a lovely mane of hair (sadly it was not on his head, but on his back instead). Marius thought they were all fabulous and spent almost all his time with them.
But do not think that Marius had forgotten about his beloved Anklette. She was still foremost in his thoughts (except for the times when he was thinking about something else).
He thought about her when he was combing his hair in the morning. He thought of her when he was searching for crumbs of bread to eat. He thought of her when he was walking down the street, singing to himself. Sometimes he would even sing about her.
"Oh, Anklette, I love you.
Yes, I do
Yes, I do
Oh, Anklette, I love you
Do you love me too?"
Marius could not be considered imaginative even at the best of times.
One day Marius found a hole in his wall. He stared through it and found that he could see into the room next door, which belonged to Eponine's family. As Marius was watching, Mister Black and Anklette suddenly came into the room.
"Valjean!" cried Eponine's father.
"Thénardier!" cried Mister Black, furthermore to be known as Valjean.
"Thénardier!" whispered Marius, trying as he might to remember where he had heard that name before. In his lovesick stage, he had forgotten all about the sacred quest he had been sent on.
Valjean and Thénardier were embracing now. "It's so wonderful to see you again, old friend!" smiled Valjean. "It's been too long."
"And this must be Cosette!" said Thénardier. "All grown up!"
It was then that Marius noticed his beloved Anklette standing behind Valjean. Her ankles were as lovely as always. Her dress was beautiful, and her skin was flawless. She was more wonderful than Marius had ever imagined. We must remember that he had never actually seen her face, as Valjean or a bush or park bench had usually blocked it. He now raised his eyes to her face and found it to be as lovely as he had always dreamed.
Thénardier continued, "Do you remember me, Cosette? I'm your Uncle Thénardier. You stayed with us for a while when you were a child!"
"Oh, yes! Those were happy times!" screeched Cosette, formerly known to Marius as Anklette. Marius covered his ears. His beloved may have been the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, but her voice would have reminded him of fingernails on a blackboard, if he had ever heard that sound. But he had not, so he just found it extremely annoying. A window in the Thénardier's room shattered when Cosette spoke again. "Where is my little friend Eponine?"
"I don't know," said Thénardier. "Why don't you just sit with your Auntie Thénardier quietly until Eponine comes home."
Eponine was, at the moment, hiding underneath Marius' bed, watching him watch Cosette through the hole in the wall. Cosette, looking very beautiful and pristine, was silently wondering what the eye was that was looking at her through the wall. Marius thought she was perfect, as long as she was not speaking.
"Eponine, lovely Eponine," Marius begged the next day. "You have to help me find Cosette!"
Eponine, who was very much in love with Marius, for reasons unknown, was only too glad to help, hoping that this act would bring Marius' attentions to rest on her. So she found out where Cosette lived and sent Marius off to see his love.
Cosette was sitting in a little garden when Marius crept over the wall. "Oh!" she shrieked. "Who are - "
"No," exclaimed Marius, cringing. "Don't speak! Let me explain. My name is Marius Pontmercy. I have loved you from afar for some time now."
"Oooh!" sighed Cosette.
"Wait!" warned Marius. "The time to speak has not yet come. I wish for you to be my bride, beloved Cosette!"
"Oh - "
"Just nod your head if the answer is yes. No need to waste words at a time like this!"
Cosette nodded her pretty head, and Marius chastely kissed her. They sat in silence for some time, perfectly happy and content. Finally, Marius pulled himself away from her. "Goodbye, my love!" he called as he clambered back over the wall.
"Farewell!" screeched Cosette. "I looooooove you!"
"No need to tell the whole world," came Marius' reply.
Marius continued to secretly meet with Cosette, always insisting that they spend much of the time in silence. Well, he generally insisted that she be silent while he talked of his love for her. "Oh, how I love you!" he said one day. "Do you know that I used to think your name was Anklette?"
Cosette's distinctive laugh rang through the air. "Hee haw! Hee haw!"
"Oh, it's not that funny," Marius insisted. "Don't need to laugh about it."
"Hee haw! It is funny! Did you know that my name isn't really Cosette?"
"No, but I don't really care," Marius replied.
Cosette did not take the hint. "My name is really Anklettina."
"Well, isn't that special," Marius said. "I think I better go now." And he would kiss her as he left because she was very sweet and beautiful, no matter how horrible conversation with her was.
Then, one day, a terrible event happened. A great opera singer died, and Enjolras, Marius' dear friend, insisted that the time for revolution had come. Marius did not quite understand the reasoning behind this, but he decided to be loyal to his friend's cause and fight. When he arrived at the barricade (which was made of old organs and large props from a nearby opera house), he realized that he should tell his Cosette of where he was. He did not think he would die, but he thought that in the case that he did, Cosette should know that he loved her until the end. So, he wrote her a note, and gave it to Eponine to deliver. Eponine, still hoping for a change in his affections, agreed to take it. But when she got to Cosette's house, Cosette was nowhere to be found. However, Valjean graciously promised to deliver the letter to her. Eponine then skipped back to the barricade with a plan to get Marius for herself. Her plan was never realized though, for on the way back she ran into a handsome young man. He was tall and had light brown hair and enchanting green eyes. Eponine instantly fell madly in love with him, and although she smelled bad and did not look so hot either, the man fell instantly in love with her. They ran off to be married, and lived a happy life in the south of France for many years after.
Back at the barricade, Marius was wondering where Eponine was. He had hoped that she would bring a note from his beloved, but she did not come. So Marius decided that he had nothing left to live for and put all his efforts into dying in the battle. He stood in front of a large gun, but it was not loaded. He rushed to the top of the barricade, but all shots from the other side missed him by an inch. He even tried to blow up a powder keg, but found that it was not filled with powder, but rather dried fish.
Meanwhile, Valjean, being a sneaky type, decided to read the letter that the dirty girl had left for Cosette.
"Dearest Cosette," it read. "I am in a battle. I might get hurt. Or dead. That will be sad. But don't cry for me, Anklettina, because I love you. Hope you are well, etc. Sincerely, Baron Marius Pontmercy." (Marius was never very good at writing letters.)
"Oh, my!" exclaimed Valjean. "Cosette has a boyfriend, and she never told me, the silly girl! And now this boy may die! I must save him before it's too late. Anything for my little Cosette's happiness!" Valjean hurried off to find Marius.
Marius was attempting to stand in front of a huge cannon when Valjean got there. "Excuse me," said Valjean loudly. "I'm looking for a Baron Marius Pontmercy."
"That's me!" said Marius, turning around quickly. A cannon ball flew past him.
"Hurray!" laughed Valjean. "I'm not too late! You must come away with me and be married to Cosette right away!"
"Oh!" cried Marius. "You do not disapprove?"
"Of course not," said Valjean. "I've been wanting to see Cosette settled for years."
"Oh," repeated Marius. "Well then. Let's go."
They hurried off down the street, happily singing a little song.
At the barricade, the fight was not looking good for those fighting under Enjolras. "The end is near," Enjolras told them. "I will face them alone." He slowly climbed to the top of the barricade and sang a final cry for revolutionary freedom. Those on both sides of the barricade looked at him in amazement.
"What a voice!" exclaimed a captain who had recently had his gun pointed at Enjolras' head. "It would be a shame to kill him. Let's make him a star instead!" So they did. After Marius and Cosette were married they made many trips to the opera where they saw Enjolras perform magnificently in a variety of starring roles.
After Marius and Cosette had been married for a couple of years, Marius suddenly remembered that he had a grandfather and that he should tell him that he was married. So he skipped off to his grandfather's house. "Hello, dear Grandfather!" he smiled.
"Can it be my little Marius?" wondered the grandfather. "I thought you were dead."
"No, no!" laughed Marius. "I am only married!"
"Oh, goodness gracious," said the grandfather. "Thank you for telling me."
"Glad to!" Marius paused. "Would it be possible for me to grab my old bureau while I'm here. There's a certain drawer I've been missing for quite some time."
Marius happily left his grandfather's house carrying a large bureau on his back. When he and Cosette had their first child a year later, Marius lovingly placed the little girl (Anklettina Jr.) in his favorite drawer. Subsequent children (Pierre, Jacques, Marie, Fifi, Luc, Louis, François and Billy Bob) also were kept in the quite comfortable, roomy and spacious drawer. Marius and Cosette had a happy marriage for many years (mostly due to the mysterious disappearance of Cosette's vocal cords one night). Valjean provided them with a large sum of money, some of which Marius used to help out Thénardier because he had now remembered his sacred quest. The Thénardiers were welcome visitors in the Pontmercy home for the rest of their years. Marius also earned a large sum of money for himself by discovering a hidden talent for pottery making.
"And that is the story of my life," said Marius to his youngest son. His hair was grey now and his skin wrinkled (but his nails were still manicured every week). "Except for the part where I saved France from evil green men from another world using only a hairbrush and a bottle of wine. Oh, and the part where I fell out of balcony at the opera. And the part where I decided not to get my hair cut for ten years and then received a huge amount of money when I got it cut and made into a wig, which was purchased by an English duke who used it to catch large fish in his neighbor's pond. And that part where I got a really bad cold."
"Wow, Dad!" exclaimed the youngest son, Billy Bob. "You've had a strange life!"
"Yes, my son. Many weird and exciting things have happened to me."
"You've had an odd life," sighed Billy Bob wistfully. His life had, thus far, been incredibly dull.
"Yes," agreed Marius. "Odd's my life!"