VINCENT: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VII or the Manuals series. I do, however, have Theresa Green's permission to use this format, so please ask her first before you do your own manuals.
A/N: To all you Vincent- obsessed fangirls out there (hey, I'm included!) – the one you've been offering me money, candy, PS3s, Vincent, Sephiroth, and your annoying little siblings for… it's finally here!
EX- TURK/ ANGSTY RED-EYED MAN/ HOJO'S FAVORITE VICTIM
Congratulations on your purchase of a VINCENT. We recommend that you read this enclosed manual to have an idea of your VINCENT's basic functions and other stuff that no one really gives a crap about. This manual will self-destruct 10 seconds after you have opened the box your VINCENT is in. Have fun.
Product Information and Specs:
Name: Vincent Valentine. Also responds to Vincent, Mr. Vincent Valentine, and Mr. Valentine. Do NOT call him Mai Valentine, Resha Valentine, Faye Valentine, or Jill Valentine (he'll skin you alive.). With a little change in his programming, you can also call him Vinnie, Vinny, Vinniekins, Vin, Vin-Vin, or any other name that suits your needs.
Height: 6 feet/ 183 cm
Weight: 65 kg/ 142 lbs
Place of Manufacture: The Master's Bedroom in Professor Grimoire Valentine's Nibelheim Mansion
Date of Manufacture: October 13
Check if your VINCENT has the following accessories on him:
One Black Shirt
One Pair Black Pants
One Black Leather Glove
One Pair Steel-Toe Boots
One Red Bandanna
One Red Cape (strappy black fastenings included)
One Double-Buckle Belt (either in silver or black)
Depending on the version you got, your VINCENT will have one of the following guns equipped:
-Quicksilver (FFVII version)
-Cerberus (FFVII AC, FFVII DoC versions)
-Water Gun/ Squirt Gun (summer vacation version- your VINCENT comes with free swimwear!)
-Machine Gun (terrorist version)
!All female owners of a VINCENT unit are advised to buy a sturdy pair of handcuffs or a chain, although the said items are NOT for bondage purposes.
Removing your VINCENT
Position VINCENT box in such a way that it looks like a coffin. Saw off the top side of the box. Attempt to open it. Your VINCENT should come flying out and do a back flip before landing on the topmost edge of the box. But as it is just a plain cardboard box painted to look like a coffin, the moment your VINCENT's foot touches the said box edge the box will automatically flip over him and knock him unconscious. Use this to your advantage, chain him to your arm, and program him with useless junk.
Programming and Modes
VINCENT is pre-programmed with the following modes:
Out Of Character (locked until a really annoying Mary Sue comes along… and in that case, you might as well chuck your VINCENT or sell him as scrap metal.)
Lovesick Slave (locked)
Every Fangirl's Dream Come True (locked)
Limit Break Mode (locked)
With such modes built in and with his ex-Turk job background, your VINCENT can be an effective worker in any of the following fields:
Mercenary: He used to be a Turk, and a pretty good one too, so I guess it won't be too difficult for him to take someone out at a thousand yards.
Martyr: Seriously… have you seen his flashback with Lucrecia in the game? If the sacrifice he made doesn't make him a martyr, then I don't know what he is.
Horror Show Star: When you purchase a VINCENT, not only do you get an adorable, angsty red-eyed man, but you also get four horrific creatures for free! Includes "Galian Beast, The Charming Dog- Thing", "Death Gigas, Frankenstein's Lesser Known Brother", "Hellmasker, The Last Lumberjack You'll Ever See Alive", and "Chaos, The Previously- Unknown WEAPON".
Maitre' D: With a seemingly endless supply of patience, a VINCENT makes the perfect maitre'd. Be sure to keep him away from pesky little children and pets, unless you want him to change into Chaos and gut them in front of you.
Facial Skin Care Product Endorser: The flawless complexion says it all: Your VINCENT is a vain little creature, but he doesn't show it. And neither should you. So, it's a good idea to keep your VINCENT all to yourself, and never let him out of the house. Ever.
Relationships With Other Units
SEPHIROTH: Even with all these rumors floating around that VINCENT is SEPHIROTH's father, they're just that: rumors. So don't expect your SEPHIROTH and VINCENT to get along very well. And if they do… send for a SEPHIROTH and VINCENT technician immediately.
HOJO: I'm not kidding when I tell you this: Don't ever leave these two within a 100- mile radius of each other. Unless you want a showdown between two out-of-control lab rats, and that's always wholesome family entertainment.
LUCRECIA: I'll let you in on a juicy little secret: VINCENT and LUCRECIA had a short (maybe pleasurable?) affair before LUCRECIA married HOJO. Don't believe me? Think back to that period in the original FFVII game just before you battled HOJO for the last time. VINCENT was clearly surprised when HOJO revealed himself to be SEPHIROTH's father:
Hojo: "Ha, ha, ha... HA, HA, HA...!"
"What will Sephiroth think when he finds out that I'm his father?"
"Always looking down on me like that."
"HA, HA, HA...!"
Cloud: "Sephiroth is your son?
Hojo: "Ha, ha, ha..."
"I offered the woman with MY child to Professor Gast's Jenova Project."
"When Sephiroth was still in the womb, we took the cells of Jenova..."
"HA, HA, HA!"
Cloud: "I can't believe you're the one who did this..."
"The illusionary crime against Sephiroth..."
Hojo: "Heee, hee, hee, hee! No, you're wrong!"
"It's my desire as a scientist! Heee, hee, hee, hee!"
"The one that should have slept was..."
(Now if you'll excuse me, I have to lie down and cry my eyes out.)
Any Random MARY SUE: VINCENT makes an excellent anti- Mary Sue companion, as VINCENT will rip loads of 'em to shreds within 0.009 seconds. Just make sure he's not greatly outnumbered, and if he is, get a SEPHIROTH and a CLOUD to join in the Mary Sue-bashing fun!
Maintenance: Using the built-in cable, plug your VINCENT to a 220 volt electrical outlet every night before you go to sleep so that he gets 8 hours of shuteye, too. You don't want bags under his eyes to ruin your VINCENT's face, don't you?
Cleaning: Unlike a CLOUD unit, your VINCENT will not, under any circumstances, agree to take a bath with anyone, even if you offer yourself to be his rubber duckie (gags) . So give it up and take a shower with a CLOUD instead.
Q: How do I activate my VINCENT's Limit Break Mode?
A: Fill up the Limit Break gauge, duh. Leave him in your backyard with another unit, preferably a SEPHIROTH and/ or a CLOUD. And yes, the only reason I recommended those two is because it's fun to see them getting mauled upon by Chaos. (smirk)
Q: Can I ever get my VINCENT to go out with me?
A: One word: No. Due to a horrifying past with women, the VINCENT unit strives to avoid any contact with females at all costs. That's why you should keep him chained next to you all the time. And if you think that dragging him to a nice restaurant/ movie/ park for some 'private time' counts as a date… it doesn't.
Q: My VINCENT doesn't like being called Vinnie. What gives?
A: You probably screwed up his programming. Try rebooting him and installing the (pet)name-calling program properly this time.
Q: My VINCENT's afraid of women, especially those with unusually- colored eyes and/ or hair. Heck, even the sight of a TIFA, YUFFIE or AERITH makes him run for the basement. Did I miss anything?
A: You naughty girl! Have you been typing any Mary Sue fics lately? Overexposure to Mary Sues and slash fics has left your VINCENT in a permanently damaged state. Throw him in the nearest dumpster and buy a SEPHIROTH or a CLOUD instead, if that's your cup of tea. Unlike a VINCENT, SEPHIROTH and CLOUD units can withstand a Mary Sue's brute force.
Q: Can I change my VINCENT's pointy boots into something that looks more comfortable? He's been wearing those since… ever.
A: As long as you don't force him to wear ballet flats or anything remotely feminine, I'm sure he'll be fine. Try making him wear a SORA unit's shoes for more laughs.
Problem: My VINCENT doesn't want to get out of his coffin.
Solution: This could have occurred due to one of the following reasons:
-You haven't recharged his batteries.
-He doesn't want to see you.
-Or you probably haven't opened the box yet, dumbass. (See Removing your VINCENT section above for details.)
Problem: I want my VINCENT to change his way of speech and his effeminate mannerisms.
Solution: … You sure about that? Eh, okay. To turn your VINCENT into a sailor-mouthed hottie, leave him in a room with a BARRET and/ or a CID for a week. Make sure no one among them is programmed in the 'Out Of Character' mode.
Problem: Having an immortal bishie is okay, but sometimes I want my VINCENT to grow old. He just doesn't act his age!
Solution: For this you need a HOJO unit and the NIBELHEIM MANSION Playhouse Set™ (A HOJO'S LABORATORY Set™ will also do.). Obtain them by any means necessary, and have HOJO shoot your VINCENT unconscious. (He's immortal, so he won't die.) Leave them in the MANSION or LABORATORY for a day or two. By the next morning, the HOJO would have tweaked your VINCENT (again) so that he'll start aging (again.).
Problem: Okay, this is getting ridiculous… but I want my VINCENT to stop aging! He's starting to look like Reeve!
Solution: Sadly, VINCENT's aging process is irreversible this time. Even a HOJO can't undo it. So hypothetically, there is no solution. At least you got a REEVE unit for free, huh?
Problem: When I got my VINCENT in the mail this morning, I noticed that he has three dots in each of his red eyes, and he's wearing a black coat with red clouds printed on it. And he's wearing a forehead protector, too.
Solution: You have been sent an UCHIHA ITACHI unit by mistake. You can either keep him, or send him back to us in exchange for a VINCENT.
With just the right amount of fangirl-ish attention and care, you can expect your VINCENT to develop into a loyal companion just like SEPHIROTH and CLOUD units. And because he is a certified Bishounen™, there will be plenty of moments in your life when you will feel completely inferior to his level of beauty. Be sure to name in your will the person who will inherit your VINCENT, unless you want him to spend the rest of his immortal life in the streets doing mundane jobs and transforming into one of his Limit Break states every now and then.