Thoughts and Admissions
A/N: This is how SOS would have gone if Michael hadn't butted in at the least opportune moment. Completely and utterly a Jate twoshot.
Chapter 1: Thoughts
Kate and Jack were sitting in front of the fire they had made after it had gotten dark and Jack had lost his voice from yelling. It was silent except for the sounds of the jungle. Both were lost in thought.
Kate was thinking about many things. She was trying to block out the memories that she had that were associated with this clearing. She was also thinking about how screwed up she and Jack were at the moment.
Why did I have to screw everything up? Why did I have to kiss him? Why did I have to run? Why did I have to follow him? Why didn't I tell him about the other hatch?
Kate thought these things silently to herself. A moment later another voice, her voice of reason, spoke in her head.
You didn't screw everything up. It's a misunderstanding that you need to talk to him about. You kissed him then ran because you love him. You followed him because you didn't want him to get hurt. You didn't tell him about the other hatch because you were hurt that he wasn't talking to you.
Kate felt tears spring to her eyes. She knew that she loved Jack. She had loved Jack for a long time now and had tried to deny it. She knew that there was no denying it now. She loved Jack. She loved him more than she had ever loved anyone else. Then again, if what she was feeling was love that would mean she didn't really love Tom at all. What she had felt for Tom was absolutely nothing compared to what she felt for Jack. She knew she had to make things right with him. Even though she knew he could never love her back.
Meanwhile Jack was thinking of other things. The same thing Kate was trying to push from her mind was in the front of his mind. He kept reliving the moment when that man brought Kate out with a bag over her head. He kept feeling that intense fear. That overwhelming terror that wouldn't be kept at bay. He kept seeing her with tears running down her face and a gun to her head. He couldn't get it out of his head. He remembered every detail of that night. That night that he was almost sure he was going to lose the one thing in his life that kept him happy.
iI have to make up with her. I can't keep going on like this. It'll kill both of us. I can't keep ignoring her. I can't not...be with her.
Suddenly it came to him. More clearly than it ever had before. He had thought the same thing when Sawyer had said he loved her. He had thought the same thing when she kissed him. He had thought the same thing when she had run from him. He had thought the same thing when he yelled at her to stay behind. He had thought the same thing when they brought her out and held a gun to her head. He had thought the same thing when she was flung into Sawyer's arms by the man with a beard. He thought the same thing when she had tried to apologize to him. He had thought the same thing when she had interrogated him about Ana-Lucia. He had thought the same thing when she had come into the jungle after him. He had thought the same thing when they were stuck in the net together. He had thought the same thing when she had acknowledged the fact that they hadn't been talking. He had thought it over and over and over again but tried to ignore it. He couldn't anymore.
I love her. I love Kate.
Then he heard her voice. It was quiet, cautious, and almost nervous. But the emotion he heard in it most of all was hurt. "I'm sorry I kissed you."
He realized this was the first time they had talked about it. Was she really sorry? Then he realized he had to say something to show her how much he cared. So he opened his mouth to say something, anything but nothing came out. Then the two words came to him. So simple but so hard to say.
He shook his head slightly. "I'm not." He looked at her and saw surprise in her eyes. He looked her straight in the eye so she would know it was the truth. After the surprise ebbed away from her eyes, he saw something else. Something he couldn't place.
"Jack..." she started but her voice trailed off into nothing.
Jack swallowed the lump in his throat. "Kate, I'm sorry. I-I have no right to treat you like I have been."
"Jack, you don't have to apologize." Kate said. She turned away from him and looked into the fire. "I should be the one apologizing."
"Kate, you don't have anything to apologize for." Jack said. He was still looking at her.
"Oh really?" She asked, her voice becoming harsh. "I'm the one who kissed you Jack. I'm the one who ran. I'm the one who followed you and got myself kidnapped. I'm the one who can't do anything right!"
"No Jack! Just-just stop. Please just-just-"
"Just what? Not tell you what I need to tell you? Because I'm going to Kate." He paused and lifted his hand to rest on her cheek. He turned her face toward his so he could look her in the eye. He wiped a tear from her cheek with his thumb. "Kate, isn't it completely obvious? When they held a gun to your head here...If I had lost you... I-I love you. I love you Kate." Jack rubbed her cheek with his thumb.
Suddenly Kate sprang upwards. "I can't do this." she said. Her voice was choked, subdued.
He stood and put his hand gently into hers. "Kate...don't run. Please. Don't-don't do that to me again." he couldn't let her go. He wouldn't let her go. Not again. Not this time.
"Jack I can't let you get hurt. If I let you love me that is what is going to happen. That's all that ever happens. The last time I felt something even remotely close to what I'm feeling now..." She turned her head away and used her free hand to wipe away the falling tears. "He died Jack. He died because of me. I-I can't let it happen to you. I just can't."
Jack could only watch as the tears poured down her freckled cheeks. he pulled himself to her gently and wrapped his arms around her slowly so if she could she could leave the embrace. To Jack's relief she leaned into him and cried. She put her arms around his middle and sobbed. All the emotions that had been building up in her since she had kissed him were finally breaking forth. Jack rubbed her back, in what he hoped to be, soothing circles. He leaned his head down to rest on her shoulder and whispered in her ear.
After a few moments he felt her legs give way. He held her to him tightly so she wouldn't fall. He gently lowered both of them to the ground. She let go of him for a moment so he could sit then collapsed against his chest. He pulled her onto his lap where she curled her legs up to her chest. He held her close and stroked her hair and whispered to her soothingly like he would to a frightened child. Before he realized it, her breathing evened out and he looked at her face. She was asleep. Her head was lying on his shoulder and he could feel her breath on his neck. He reached over to his backpack with one hand and pulled a blanket out. He laid it on the ground as best as he could. He gently put one arm under her legs and another around her back and lifted her up. He got to his knees and laid her on the blanket gently. He watched her silently, just looking at her. He felt terrible. He had caused her to cry like that. And whereas he knew it was wrong to be thinking so, he knew in the moment he held her that's where he wanted her to be forever. In his arms. He gently stroked her hair and lay down next to her. He slipped an arm under her and she curled to his body. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. He whispered her name before falling into slumber.