By The Bunnies Will Kill Us All
Star Wars Theme Music
Sage: STOP! STOP THAT HELLISNESS!
TBWKUA: IMMATURE MUSELINGS! STOP YOUR MADNESS AND BOW DOWN TO ME!
Ira: I think the pressure is getting to her…
Sage: Hm. That would explain the shaking.
Ira: I think you should do the disclaimer, you know, so we can back away?
Sage: Right. You all know TBWKUA is a hellish stealer of plots, and that TBWKUA is not Louis Sachar. Put your miniscule brains to the task of figuring out who does not own holes and who owns a BB gun. To clear things up, she no own (she referring to TBWKUA)
Ira: Right, now, back away…
Chapter 19: Escape
"We NEED to get out of here!" Ira yelled to no one in particular besides her unfortunate friend.
"Are you sure it's not because you want to see Zero?" Sage asked innocently.
"You know," Ira carefully chewed every word until it was saturated with venom, "I was wrong about you and Magnet. You two are a perfect match. I mean, both of you are supernaturally annoying. Both of you seem to be under the delusion that I care for Zero, and BOTH OF YOU HAVE A DEATHWISH!"
"Okay, okay, cool it." Sage sighed dreamily at the mention of her precious Magnet.
"We're leaving." Ira said flatly. Sage bit her lip, and tired to stop the tantrum.
"Don't tell anyone." Ira frowned seriously, deep in thought.
Sage's head whipped up, "I have to tell Magnet something, he might come after us!"
"Correction, he might come after you."
"Tell him anything but the truth."
A Little Later
"That tone never means anything remotely good." He sighed.
"I need you to promise me something…" I shuddered at what I had to do.
"Why would I do that?" he smiled playfully, trying to control the dire situation, as if he knew what was happening.
"Because you love me." I told him quietly. All hints of playfulness left him.
He sighed, "Okay," And put his hands up in an 'I surrender' manner.
"Magnet… When Ira and I disappear tomorrow… you can't come looking for me... us."
"What?" he looked up, alarmed.
"You… can't look for me... us."
"Why? Where are you going?" he was worried, I could see it in his face.
"I can't tell you."
He looked frustrated, "Sage, no! I told you before, I love you. I've NEVER said that to anyone else in my life! Do you think I'm just going to let you walk away!?"
"I was hoping it would go like that…"
"What is that supposed to mean?! Sage, just give me your address, I understand, your parents are coming to get you, Chica, I'll move across the country to be near you. It doesn't have to be like this… We'll see each other again. I promise." He was desperate now, it made me feel worse knowing that what he was saying wasn't true.
"NO!" I yelled. He looked like I had slapped him; hurt crossed his face, and his betrayed puppy eyes looked back at me.
"Mags… You can't keep that promise. I don't do this… I can't be with you…"
"Chica!" he kept pushing and pushing for an answer, he kept on promising me these crazy things… I snapped, I did what I had to, so that he would be safe.
"I DON'T WANT YOU!" I screamed at him.
He opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out. He fell silent, it was the first time I had ever seen such helplessness in his eyes.
"Okay, we have canned beans, canned beans, water, and some more canned beans." Ira listed purposefully. Sage did not reply, there was a numb, aching feeling spreading throughout her chest currently.
"We need rope, a lighter, gasoline, a car, someone who can drive cars, dead leaves and crap, a wardens cabin, a tree, a secret signal, an excuse to not be digging… and one hell of an antidepressant obviously! Pull yourself together Sage!" Ira snapped.
"Huh? Oh. Okay."
"We'll also need a pole." Ira said in a matter of fact tone.
"How do we get this stuff? And how will we carry all that food in the desert, once the car runs out of petrol? And which car? The water truck? Or the wardens car? How do we get keys? Or gasoline for this grand plan? Where are we even going?" Sage exclaimed in frustration.
Ira was quick to reply, "We steal, we lie, we do whatever we must do to procure these items! We will build something to carry our things like a little red wagon without a fancy paint job if we have to, that can be your job. We will use the water truck, for obvious reasons, if we strike when the time is right we will be left with a near full water truck and keys in the ignition. The wardens car is backup, if all else fails, but the wardens car is tricky, so it's only a last resort. Petrol will do as far as gasoline is concerned, Mr. Sir has heaps. He keeps it at the back of his office. And as for where we're going… I don't have a clue."
Sage glared at her friend beadily.
"I think Zigzag is a perfect candidate for driver, assuming he can." Ira continued. Sage was thoughtful, getting into the cheer of the escape plan in order to distract her from the fact she was going through a painful post break up phase.
"We should steal a gun or two," Sage said decisively, "And the wardens nail polish, to give her a shock, we can also get some good food from her fridge. And some blankets, and pillows. I bet the warden has lots of pillows. Soft ones. And money. We need to steal all the money we can find. Ricky told me about credit cards. We can withdraw all of the warden's money at first opportunity and then get rid of them. A cheque book. Yes. The warden keeps signed cheques around, blank and ready. Mag- someone told me."
"Now you've got it!" Ira said encouragingly.
"So," Sage continued briskly, "How are we going to do this?"
"Well, we-" Ira's reply was cut off by people at the door, Magnet and Zigzag, for that matter, though Magnet tried to leave when he saw Sage, relatively happy and with a trademark scheming look on her face. Zig stopped him.
"Zig! Just the man we wanted to see!" Ira grinned, Sage tried to hide under her cot.
"…Ira?" Zig blinked disbelieving that Ira would find any pleasure in his company.
"I need to know, MAGNET, GET LOST! Ehm. I need to know wether or not you can drive."
Sage ran after Magnet, who didn't need to be told twice, as Ira filled Zig in.
"Mags!" Sage yelled after Magnet, who didn't look like he really wanted to stop, though he did.
"Yeah?" he said tiredly, not meeting Sage's gaze.
"Magnet, I'm sorry about her, you know-"
Sage blinked, "Huh?"
Magnet shrugged, "It doesn't matter."
"You seem rather… unfeeling…" Sage frowned.
"Is it because I'm not freaking out about the fact you broke up with me?" Magnet asked coolly, "You weren't even hot. No harm, no foul. Like I said, whatever."
Sage looked at him in shock, "Um… Oh… Okay, I guess… Fine. Great… Bye." She managed.
Magnet raised his hand carelessly in Sage's general direction, and let it drop limply to his side, staring ahead of him like Sage was an annoying waste of time and what he really wanted was off in the opposite direction. This was his goodbye. It was like he was sending her away.
Sage melted away, going back to figure out how many laws she would have to break to complete Ira's plan.
Early Next Morning Before Digging Time
All the fine parts of the plan had been worked out, and even Sage had to admit that Ira was doing well. And even Ira had to admit that she was the greatest thing since sliced bread. Though Ira did not let her modesty (one of her greatest values next to charity and peace loving) get in the way of stating this truth. Because, as we all know, Ira screams modesty, style… and carnage.
Sage was to steal items of interest from the warden's cabin, before tomorrow, when the main body of the plan would take place. So that was what she was doing. She had managed to steal a belt at an earlier point, okay, Magnet stole it for her when she commented on liking the idea of a tool belt, but she was not think talking about Magnet, so she stole a tool belt for herself. Her belt had such useful items like nameless pointy things, a chisel, a tiny screwdriver, sandpaper (could be useful if she decided to do some furniture smoothing work for the warden's light wood treasures, as we are sure it would be appreciated), an unbendy paperclip, a novelty pen from the annual Mississippi river fair, a few tools that could be substitute lock picks, a monkey wrench, something called an appel eyh pod, and a rolled up issue of car and driver.
Sage crept up towards the warden's back door, which was conveniently ajar. Strange, Sage thought, slipping the crowbar that Ira had armed her with into her belt next to all the other bits and pieces. She slipped in through the opening, in case the door creaked, and found herself in a kitchen. Perfect, she thought, I'll hit this first.
Pulling open one of the many burlap sacks Ira had coerced Mr. Sir into giving her, Sage crossed to the fridge and pulled the door open, flooding the kitchen with refrigerator light. She crouched down low and surveyed the hamper the warden had managed to compile.
There was so much. Sage managed to get her hands on a few jelly cups, a big bag of carrot sticks (Ira had a fetish and you never know when you might need to barter with a rabbit for leprechaun gold), leftover chicken soup, a 3L bottle of creamed soda, 2L of sprite, the most cat food ever found in one fridge (The warden has a cat?), and a bag of chocolate chips. She then crossed over to the pantry and found a treasure trove of chocolate, shortbread, biscuits, wheatbix and something called coco pops. She deemed her raid for food finished and grabbed a whole bunch of plastic bowls and sporks from the tabletop.
Then she hit the linen press, many pillows and blankets were pulled out against their will, and thrown out the window into the arms of her waiting comrades.
Now. Money. Sage slid silently from one room to the next, and stopped at a room that was empty but for a few built ins and a desk. She was about to leave when she spied a feminine leather wallet sitting on the desk. She carefully looked it over, and flipped it open. Inside were rows and rows of platinum credit cards and a drivers licence. She checked the money compartment, and found $150. Sage shoved the wallet another of the burlap bags and started rummaging through the drawers.
The sound of someone clearing their throat vibrated through the room. Sage froze, putting up her hands and turning to face what must be the warden.
It was Magnet. Sage nearly collapsed of relief.
"What are you doing here?" Magnet questioned coldly.
"None of your business!" Sage snapped back, Magnets eyebrows shot up.
"Stealing, obviously." He continued, like Sage had not spoken.
"I'll leave you to it then."
But he was already gone.
Sage shrugged and sorted through the wardens drawers, and found her chequebook, ready signed for her convenience and ready to be cashed in. Brilliant. It too joined the wallet in the sack. She found a multitude of other things too. A calendar, another novelty pen, and a mutilated picture of Ira.
Sage left quietly, climbing out a window and onto a branch, Ira was waiting below, ready for phase two. Sage passed the bags down, but kept her belt with her. Ira shoved the goods into Zigzag's hands and he ran off to hide them in the back seat of the water truck with all the other provisions and the little red wagon.
Ira handed Sage a pole from below. Sage nodded. The suspense was too much. Ira passed up one of the many petrol bottles, which was secured with a rope which slung over the branch Sage sat on. Ira held the other end of the rope from her vantage point from behind the tree.
Zigzag returned. The pressure mounted. Zigzag took over holding the rope for Ira, having been told he could not be trusted for this stage of the plan. Ira shot forward, struck a match and planted it into the ground so that the flame was about an inch from the ground. Ira then shoved all the dead leaves and bark she had been collecting under the match, and the debris slowly started to burn brighter.
Ira shot back behind the tree, where Zigzag was transfixed with the flame. Ira pinched her nose and started hopping on one foot whilst using her free hand to brandish a peace sign two feet above her head. This was the signal.
Sage lowered her pole to be level with the suspended bottle of petrol. She used the pole to nudge the petrol forwards. Petrol sloshed out of the container messily and fell onto the flame. The fire burst up brightly. Ira gave the okay to proceed. Sage nudged the petrol again, this time most of the bottles contents splashed onto the blaze. It was done. Sage managed to get down and the three ran madly towards the open garage where Mr. Sir kept the water truck. They could hear yelling. They slipped into the water truck and crouched down with their provisions, concealing themselves and their provisions with a heavy burlap sheet.
They waited in silence. Then what they had been hoping for came. Mr. Sir came running, to fill up the water truck and drive it to the fire. When the truck was filled he huffed to the drivers seat, and didn't bother looking back as he jammed the key into the ignition and accelerated towards the tree by the wardens house.
Perfect. As planned, Mr. Sir was so freaked that he didn't bother to remove the keys. They had to act fast, in the few seconds between Mr. Sir getting out of the car and him turning on the water.
Ira was about to lunge forward from their hiding place when two campers tumbled into the car, one slammed down his foot onto the pedal and the whole lot of them were flying.
"Hurry up!" urged the passenger.
"I'm not the one running after my girlfriend and her pet lunatic." the driver snapped back.
"I'm only going after Sage." Said the passenger.
"Where are they?" asked the driver.
Ira sprung upwards in rage.
"THEY ARE RIGHT HERE YOU FUCKWITS!" she screamed, the water truck swerved violently. Sage and Zigzag sat up in calm thought from their hiding place, and looked backwards as the camp compound got smaller and smaller until it disappeared.
"We can stop now." Sage said vaguely, repressing something.
"STOP BITCHES!" Ira screamed.
"Squid," Ira started dangerously, "Magnet."
"Yes, Ira?" they responded fearfully.
"What business do you have ruining our escape plan?" she snapped.
"Sorry." They said in union.
"Oh, I bet you are." Ira growled.
"I LOVE YOU!" Sage yelled and threw her arms around poor, innocent Magnet. He struggled to breathe.
"Sage… Sage… Geroff…" Magnet struggled.
"I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU!"
"Where are we going?"
"Well, seing as we don't really know much about the surroundings, we could look for Zero."
"Oh, he's right over there..."