Title: Justifiable Homicide.
Rating: T+ for language and the questionable situation.
Beta: m3kane. Hugs and kisses to my new muse.
Disclaimer: I don't own The OC, Ryan or Benjamin McKenzie. Damn.
Story: Humor...most definitely.
Notes: My prompt from Brandy was the line - 'Nothing could bleed that much'. I apologize in advance for what I did.
If I were to kill Seth right now, Ryan thought at that particular moment in time, surely no court in the land would convict him, especially if there was a predominantly male jury or a male judge.
Because Seth did need to die.
Ryan wasn't kidding, he was seriously considered killing Seth to find out if his theory on 'justifiable homicide' was a sound one, but that would hinge on him being able to move, breathe, or take his hands off of his groinal area. He wasn't able to do any of those things right now. It was all he could do not to scream…hence the holding of the breath.
"Dude…. tell me you didn't just…?" Seth asked with a pained expression on his face.
Yup…he was going to kill him, just as soon as he could stop rolling around on the floor.
"Dude…Ryan…are you okaaay?"
No! He was not FUCKING okay; he was far from okay. If he could find his voice he'd tell him that, along with another few choice words all ending in 'off,' but his voice seemed to have vanished around about the same time as his balls had retreated back into his body.
"You've gone a really funny color…are you even breathing?"
Okay, now he was just stating the obvious and it wasn't helping.
"Fuck… off …Seth." There he'd managed it, through gritted teeth like a demented ventriloquist, but he'd managed it.
Seth dithered and fidgeted; he did look worried but that could be from the bad vibes that he was throwing Seth's way.
"Seth…I mean it…fuck off...or I'm going to rip your damn head from your shoulders." When he got off the floor, that was.
Seth looked like he might argue, but then he pointed to the open door.
"Um, okay…going outside now…um…I'll be outside if you need…"
"Sorry." Seth sounded like he was saying sorry for eating the last of the ice cream or not replacing the lid back on the toothpaste tube…not for this.
"Out!" Yelling worked, and Seth scurried slamming the door behind him.
Right… now what?
Ryan got up gingerly using the wall for support and decided that he really needed to face this head on so to speak. Okay don't panic, he told himself.
Ryan looked down and panicked.
What the hell was he supposed to do now? He went hot and cold in quick succession as he tried to think how he was going to move forward with this.
He knew what he needed to do, but his brain told him that it would be most unwise. There had to be some other way…to…to….
Ryan gulped and felt sick.
Would ringing 911 be considered miss-use of the emergency services? Again Ryan suspected that if the operator were male then he'd understand the situation fully. Probably send someone round right away with the red light flashing and be damned the three car pile up on the freeway because…. male solidarity in times like this was so important. Unless your name was Seth, that is, and then death was the only necessity.
Ryan tried to calm himself. This couldn't be the first time this has ever happened: zips in close proximity to 'certain' areas just spelt disaster. Although on reflection, zipper companies really needed to add some sort of safety device to stop this sort of thing from ever happening…or maybe he could invent one himself. Or maybe he could sue Levi's for the mental trauma this was causing him?
Or maybe he'd just steer clear of zippers from now on. Buttons were the way to go…oh yeah.
He could do this…be a man.
Ryan shut his eyes and grabbed the tongue of the zipper.
Okay, that was just a trial run. This time for sure. He wiped the sweat off his brow and resumed the position again. Legs apart…eyes shut.
Ryan took a deep breath and tugged downwards…hard. Like ripping a band-aid off, he thought, the rapid approach would be prudent.
This time he let the unmanly scream come right out.
"Ryan…you okay in there?"
Tap, tap on the door.
Again Ryan couldn't seem to breathe.
Ryan didn't often use the 'c' word, but now it seemed to be on a continual loop in his brain along with the words 'mother' and 'fucking'.
He garnered enough courage through the power of swearing to check out the damage.
"Shit!" He grabbed at the toilet roll, sending it spinning, excess paper hurtling in a concertina onto the floor.
"Shit, shit. Shit."
Apply paper to affected area and press…. shut eyes to stop them watering. He was okay as long as he thought of this clinically. This was not happening to him…nope. His manhood would live to fight another day.
Hold breath again and not think.
"Um…. Ryan are you sure you're okay? You've gone really quiet…do you want me to get someone?"
Ryan's eyes flew open. "If anyone finds out about this then I will kill you…very slowly…. I swear!"
Seth squeaked the other side of the door.
"Okay…not telling anyone…ever!"
The door opened and Seth poked his head around.
Ryan saw his mouth open.
"Dude…I think maybe you might need to go to the hospital."
"Okay…shutting up now…but I do think that…."
Ryan curled his lip and snarled.
Seth moved to the farthest wall.
Ryan grabbed at more paper.
"You do know that I'm going to make you hurt, don't you, Seth?"
"How is this my fault?" Seth bleated.
"You barged in here!"
"The door was unlocked," Seth retorted.
"I didn't think I needed to lock it. I was alone…in my room."
"What were you doing in here anyway?" Seth grinned.
"What do you think I was doing in a bathroom, Seth…I was taking a leak!"
"So, why were you being furtive when I came in? If you hadn't been so jumpy then…" Seth nodded downwards and winced, "...then that wouldn't have happened."
"I wasn't being furtive…I though it might be…be Kirsten or something," Ryan mumbled.
"Why would my mom come into your bathroom when you're taking a leak?" Seth screwed up his face at the thought.
"I don't know, Seth…. why would you!"
Seth nodded as the penny finally dropped
"Ahhh, Kemosabe…. point taken."
Ryan gingerly lifted the paper and looked.
"Of course you could have avoided this," Seth made air bunnies, "'accident' if you'd just locked the door, Ryan."
Ryan bit his lip and counted to ten.
"I just never thought about it before…. but surely nothing could bleed that much?"
"Justifiable homicide," Ryan muttered to himself and made a note to himself never to go commando again.