In New York City's war on crime, some of the worst insults are handled by the dedicated members of the Criminal Insult Division. These are their stories.
It was Ground Hog Day, and Detective first grade Throbert (Throbby) Gorgasm was excitedly preparing for his first day off in over five months. Throbby was tall, dark, and handsome, and extremely smart. Being the great detective that he was, Throbby always got his man.
Then he got The Call.
"Hello, Gorgasm, this is your captain, Captain Boss."
Throbby sighed, closing his eyes. No! No! No! No! No! No! I am not going in! He said to himself.
"Gorgasm, are you there? This is your captain, Captain Boss. I know you're there, I can hear you over-thinking. And yes, you are coming in."
"I heard that. Gorgasm, get in here now. You're my lead detective-the big Kahoona-and I need you."
"But...Captain Boss-it's Ground Hog Day!"
"I'm well aware of that, Detective. And I am soooooo sorry to do this to you. But get your ass in here now! And the rest of you, too!"
"Dammit, this is the third year in a row I've had to work on Ground Hog Day. Can't you get someone else? What about Like Mogan?"
"Sorry, Gorgasm. Do you think you're the only one wanting off on Ground Hog Day? Like Mogan put in for Ground Hog Day well over six months ago. Besides, as far as my detectives go, you're Numero Uno, Top Banana, The Big Dog, The Head Cheese..."
Head Cheese? "Uh, don't you mean The Big Cheese?"
"Yeah, Big Cheese, Head Cheese, whatever. Just get your partner and get in here, now."
"Yes, sir, Captain Boss," he said, hanging up the phone. He sat forlornly on his front step, awaiting his partner, mourning the loss of another Ground Hog Day.
A few moments later, Detective Malice Reames came roaring up in the SUV, and slammed on the brakes in front of the steps. Malice was Throbby's partner and the complete opposite of Throbby: he was a boy, she was a girl.
Malice was also petite, smart (but not as smart as Throbby, nobody was) and tough as nails. She was also sadly lacking a social life (as this story is sadly lacking a plot) and she was a tad bit...horny. Malice would also like to get her man-any man.
Also upset at being called in to work (but not as much as Throbby, nobody was) Malice made the best of it. After all, any new case meant another golden opportunity to get her man-any man.
"Three years in a row, Reames!" Throbby grumbled as he got into the car.
"Oh shut up, Throbby! Give it a rest! Who had to work on 'National Bring Your Cat to Work Day' last year while you were home being 'sick'?"
"I was in the hospital with two broken legs, Reames!"
"Yeah...well still..." Heard that one before.
"And, I was gut-shot!"
"Whatever. You couldn't even make an appearance?"
The crime scene was a disaster area. Insults were being flung like mud. The perps, one on each side of a counter, were really going at it.
"I hate walking in on this kind of thing, Reames," Throbby said nervously, drawing his gun.
"Me, too," Malice said, staring at the perps, especially the younger good-looking one. "Throbby, does it look to you like that younger one has a gun in his pants?"
Throbby sighed. To you, they all look like they have a gun in their pants. Then, "Okay, both of you! On the floor! Hands behind your heads!"
Both men dropped to the floor, the jeweler completely disappearing behind the counter. Gorgasm agilely jumps on the counter, looking down at the jeweler on the floor.
"Uh...you, I-I mean on this side of the counter," Throbby said, waving his gun wildly, indicating the front of the counter. The jeweler quickly scrambles to the other side.
Gorgasm sighed, knowing what's coming next. "Ok, Reames, frisk-"
But Malice Reames was already on the job, frisking the younger, good looking one very thoroughly, squeezing his butt, patting his crotch.
"Oh, sorry," she told the perp, still patting and fondling his crotch. "Have to make sure this isn't a loaded gun," she explained.
Malice demanded that they take the perps back to 1PP personally. After putting them in the back of the SUV, Throbby sat in his customary spot on the passenger side, waiting for Malice. "Um...Reames?"
"Yeah?" Malice said, panting like a dog. Throbby turned to see Malice in the back seat with the perps, all over the younger one.
"Reames! What the hell?"
"I don't know, Throbby," Malice said. It was hard to understand her with her tongue halfway down the perp's throat. "He just looked like he needed frisking again. You can never be too careful, you know."
"I know." Not with you, anyway. Then, to the perp, "And for God's sake, use protection!"
"We hit a home run with this one, Throbby!"
Gorgasm, being the really smart one, corrected her. "Technically, we only hit a double, Reames. For it to be a homerun, we'd have to have four perps. Two perps, two bases, a double. Four perps, four bases, a homerun. Got it?"
Malice looked at him in awe. "Where do you learn all this stuff, anyway?"
Throbby looked embarrassed. "Uh, it's just a little something I picked up while stationed in Japan, and playing a little minor league baseball while there. I also speak and write Japanese."
The trip back to 1PP was uneventful, at least in the front seat. The back seat was a whole different story.
Sometime later, after booking the perps and filling out the never-ending paperwork, Throbby looked up to find Reames staring at him.
"What!" Throbby said, squirming.
"I'm undressing you with my eyes."
Thank God it's only her eyes.
"Whadda ya say, Throbby, you up for a quick 'frisk'?"
"Uh, maybe later." Like in a million years.
"What about that perp then? He looks like he has another gun in his pocket."
"You mean the one you have cuffed and spread-eagled on the interrogation room table?"
"That'd be him," she replied excitedly. "This time, I might even 'interrogate' him!"
Hours later, after 'interrogating' her perp, Malice came out to find Throbby sitting at his desk, head in hands, looking completely miserable.
"Throbby?" she asked, concerned for her partner.
Throbby looked up, his dark eyes brimming with pain. "Captain Boss, he... just... he just doesn't 'get' me..." Throbby agonized.
"Nobody does, Throbby. You're quirky, crazy, unpredictable-totally off the wall. It's part of your charm. You're wacko, you're squirrelly, you're-"
"Okay, Reames, I get it..."
"But you know what, Throbby?"
"I get you."
"Sure! Along with being quirky and crazy, you're also very HOT, and you could charm the pants right off me-don't even say it-I mean, more than most guys."
"Really? You really 'get' me?"
Malice nodded. "Maybe I've been looking for love in all the wrong places..."
Malice and Throbby stared into each other's eyes. And for the first time in six years, Malice Reames finally got her man.