(Well, this is it, the last hurrah, the last go-round, the last stand, the last—well, you get it. Anyway, it's now RAW and we meet up with Chris Masters. He's in Vince's office backstage. Of course, I need to mention, like always—Chris is in full wrestling gear, except he has a sport coat on because he's GM for tonight, and that's how I make the distinction.)
Vince, eating pork skins, calls the meeting to order. He says, "Ok everyone, you know how we normally do this, but tonight, Chris Masters will head up the creative meeting. Now Chris, as a rule, our creative team isn't allowed more than 15 minutes to come up with a show idea, so let's get going!"
Chris raises an eyebrow and asks, "Wait, do you mean to tell me that you don't even have creative meetings during the week—you know, so you can just maybe…finalize the program before it starts?"
Vince looks around shaking his head and shrugging his shoulders.
Arn Anderson smiles and says, "Nah, kid. We like to just, y'know…throw shit-balls at the wall and see what sticks. We find it makes for…great viewing. As J.R. used to call it—'shit-balls to-the-wall'! Get it? It's like 'balls to the wall', except it's—"
Masters rubs his temples and cuts Arn off, "YES, ok, ok, I-I get it." He sighs and continues, "Ok, here's what I propose…"
(Masters divulges his card layout to the creative team and 45 minutes later, the show begins.)
Here's where I'll just give you kind folks the rundown of the goings-on of that evening.
Taking a cue from Vince himself, Masters calls Rey Mysterio over to RAW for a special Championship match—hell, he was in the neighborhood anyway—he calls Rey over to have him face Stacy Keibler for the SmackDown title. (This is REALLY gonna' be fucked-up, hehehe…)
Well, Stacy starts out clotheslining Rey Ultimate Warrior-style. Then she starts Suplexing him all over the ring. Rey rolls outside and she starts suplexing him around the ring, effectively doing a "lap" around the ring, just suplexing the hell out of Rey.
At the commentators' desk, J.R. mutters something about how he always wanted to squirt his "barbecue sauce" all over Stacy's chest—that's naughty, J.R., BBQ sauce is NOT pearly white!
Well anyway, Rey starts to make a comeback and he gets Stace in the position for what he describes as his new alternate finisher-"The 6-9". (He described it on the last WWE Confidential, in case you missed it.)
Anyway, he hollers out to the crowd, pulls his tights off, swings to the ropes and swings around the opposite ropes, not kicking Stacy, but he measures it just right so that his wang goes directly in Stacy's mouth as he's swinging. Anyway, she falls backward from the force and Rey-Rey goes up to the top rope, changes his mind, climbs back down, and sits on Stacy's face with a cheesy, adulterous grin on his face. Stacy bites him in the nuts and rolls him over. Ref makes the three count and we have a new SmackDown champion! (Next week, she has to face JBL and Lashley in a Championship bra and panties match! Aren't you fucking excited? Hahaha…better yet, aren't you glad that I don't run the creative team? Hehehehe!)
Anyway, the night goes on, yadda, yadda, yadda. We're in the second hour of what seems like 9 hours although it's only two hours. Masters orders Trish, Lita, Torrie, Candace, Ashley, and Maria the microphone skank to come down to the ring and join Lillian, the Spirit Squad, and Rob Conway in the first ever "bra and panties battle royal". The objective of the match is to strip your opponents down to their bra and panties and then throw them out of the ring any way you can.
Well, a quick rundown for you: Lillian low-blows everybody, strips them, loads them into a cannon that Mick Foley used for his hardcore match earlier and blasts them out of the arena to…I dunno…China or some shit—they've yet to be seen again. She pushes the cannon backstage and low-blows Edge. She loads his buck-toothed ass in the cannon and fires him off to Pakistan somewhere—needless to say, he now has a new career as a taxi driver and he always smells like curry…always.
Of course, Victoria and Mickie James aren't there this evening. Buuut, just so you know, Victoria and Mickie James are with me this evening. They're in my flat for an evening of drunkenness and debauchery. I just hope Victoria has taken her birth control pills this time—I don't want any scary instances like last time.
Ok, moving on, we have the main event—Masters comes to the ring and calls Carlito out. Carlito comes out with a worried expression on his face. Masters tells Carlito to lift his arms up or else he'll receive a 70 percent pay cut for the remainder of his contract. Carlito lifts his arms up and Masters stuffs a hollowed-out apple in his mouth and applies the Masterlock. He leaves it on for the remaining 40 minutes of the program—even during the "Chicken n' Watermelon match" that Vince orders between Shelton Benjamin, Viscera, Sharmell, Booker T—hell, he even brings Faarooq out of retirement just to participate in this match. The winner will get to see Shelton's mama in a string bikini.
As the ending credits are rolling, Stephanie McMahon comes out of nowhere wearing nothing but a pair of her mother's adult diapers—she looks like a fat baby with titties, in case you were wondering. She starts eating the ending credits from off of the Titan-tron. And after she gets done, Jamal—er, I mean UMAGA comes and eats Stephanie. Unfortunately, Umaga ends up with a whiny speaking voice and Triple H suddenly announces his undying love for Umaga. He gives Umaga an engagement ring—the service will be held next RAW as you're formally invited to attend the wedding of Umaga and the Game.
Oh yeah, the "Cooban" will give Umaga away, in case you're wondering.
(Well, th-th-th-th-that's all folks! I'd like to thank all of you who've supported me in reviews, adding me or this story to your faves—everything. It's been a journey.)