Summary: The team is stuck on yet another hive ship. Oh but don't worry, Rodney has a plan. Help? The kinda, sorta, but not really sequel to It Never Ends.
A/N: After much thought and careful deliberation (a.k.a eeney meanie minee moe) I decided to post this separately from my other story "It Never Ends" I figured they were just different enough to not put them together, but if you want, you can think of it as a sort of sequel to that one. If you don't want to, fine by me.
Disclaimer: No I do not own Stargate: Atlantis or the awesome song used here. Too bad for me, good for the rest of the world.
The Art of Escaping
Sheppard sighed and banged his head on those weird webby bar things that kept him and his team trapped in the wraith cell aboard yet another hive ship – what was it now? Three? Four? Well, whatever it was, a hive ship was really the last place he wanted to be – aside from that world where every body looked like a clown. Not only were hive ships smelly, dark, cramped and creepy but they were also really, really, really BORING! Besides he didn't have time for this if he was gonna get back in time for pizza night in the mess hall.
"Okay, I'm open to suggestions." He said.
"I say we kill 'em." Offered Ronon as if it were as easy as that.
McKay snorted "As much as I would love that, I also value not getting the life sucked out of me any sooner then is absolutely necessary. Or, better still, not at all."
"I agree with Rodney," interjected Teyla before the scientist could get going to much "we would be unable to defeat the wraith without our weapons and would only end up dead."
Ronon glowered at the reminder that the Wraith had managed to find all his knives. Stupid metal detectors. Where had they gotten those anyway?
"Yeah, well who knows maybe Sheppard could annoy them to death." Rodney said helpfully.
Sheppard glared at him "Oh? And you couldn't?"
Rodney gave him a haughty look "Well as a matter of fact I – wait a minute!" he snapped his fingers rapidly for a moment with a look on concentration on his face. "I've got it! That's it! I can't believe I didn't think of that sooner. I mean it's-"
"Rodney!" Yelled Sheppard, "Care to share with the class?"
"Oh right," he said just now realizing he hadn't said his plan out loud. "We can annoy them into letting us go."
"Just like that?" asked Sheppard.
"Well, yeah. I mean it worked in Junior High when I finished my tests sooner then the rest of those incompetent morons and wanted to get something to eat."
Sheppard looked at Ronon and Teyla to gauge their reactions to this and received a shrug from the Satedan and a raised eyebrow from Teyla.
"Okay, so what do we do?" The Colonel asked.
Rodney gave a devilish grin, the kind that said he was enjoying this way too much, "We sing." The team stared. "That's right sing! To be more specific we sing this-" He took a deep breathe then began belting out his song at the top of his lungs.
I taste like a booger but I look like a worm
And I bet you've never seen a booger that could squirm
I'll be here when you sneeze I'll be here when you cough
'Cause I'm stuck on your finger and you can't shake me off!
Taste like a booger but I look like a worm…
The song just kept repeating on a loop connected by that darn 'because'. Sheppard gave his trademark rakish grin and happily joined in. After a few more rounds Ronon and Teyla caught all the lyrics and added their own voices to the mix. The sound of their terrible off key singing reverberated throughout the hive. Sure, normally Teyla was an incredible singer, but right now she was singing as shrilly as she possibly could. What Ronon was doing didn't really qualify as singing in any sense of the term but it was loud and that was kind of the point. Sheppard and Rodney had obviously had a lot of practice in using this song to annoy the crap out of people and it showed. They had the perfect combination of volume, out of tune, and the way to cheerful annoying tone going.
Not to mention the lyrics were disturbingly fitting for their situation.
The poor helpless drones assigned to guard them lasted an impressive 20 minutes before running down the hall screaming. They found they had no escape from the horrible tune though. It echoed down the hall, penetrating every part of the ship. 15 minutes after the drones, dubbed Hank and Tom by Sheppard, ran off for their lives, they came back with a commander in front. The team stopped singing and dropped back to a hum while the Colonel approached them. "Howdy gentlemen!" He greeted cheerfully "Can we help ya with something?"
What happened next surprised everyone. Hank, Tom and the commander dropped to their knees and pressed their heads to the floor. "Please noble ones," the commander, henceforth to be addressed as Pete, whimpered "We have been sent by our queen to entreat you to cease your singing."
"But we don't wanna." Whined Sheppard sounding like a five-year-old who didn't want to take his nap like mommy said.
The drones exchanged glances or horror, or at least the team thought they did but the masks made it kind of hard to tell.
Pete's eyes got so wide they gave a dinner plate a run for its money "Please!" He cried desperately "What must we do to make you stop?!"
The team exchanged matching smirks "Letting us go might do it," Suggested Sheppard.
"Of course, right away!" Pete fairly lunged across the hall in his hurry to let the humans out of the cell. "Now please, will you be quiet?"
"I don't know." Mused Sheppard running a hand through his dark, messy hair in thought, "What do you guys think?"
Rodney gave him a 'duh' look. "No way. Nothing will ever make me shut up. EVER!"
The three wraith practically fell over each other in their haste to fall to the floor at the team's feet. "Please! Tell us what we must do! We will do anything!" Pete cried.
Ronon's eyes shone with sudden inspiration. "Can I have that knife?" he asked pointing to a large, intricately decorated knife strapped to Pete's hip. It was clearly something he had taken off a human as it was not of wraith design. Not to mention it was really cool and one can never have too many knives.
Pete instantly jerked it out of its sheath and thrust it at the Satedan, "Take it! It's yours! Would you like this one as well?" he asked pulling out another knife. This one had little ponies etched on the blade for some reason.
"OH! Can I have it?" asked Rodney. The rest of the team sent disturbed glances toward the scientist who was to busy cooing over his pretty new knife to notice.
Sheppard's eyes light up and he gave a sloppy grin, "Can we have the hive ship?" he asked wondering just how far they could push things.
"Yes! Take the hive ship." Begged the wraith desperately, "We'll leave right now if you'd like!"
The team exchanged matching grins of equal parts mischief, evil glee, and amusement. "We can do better than that," said Ronon. "How about you all go jump off that 500 meter cliff over there?"
"Yes, of course. Right away Noble Ones." Pete said then he bowed deeply to the team and turned and ran off the ship towards the aforementioned cliff. He was followed shortly by all the other wraith aboard the hive ship including the Queen. The team followed them off the ship and watched happily as every last wraith jumped headlong off the cliff.
"Well," said Rodney sounding very pleased. "Scratch one wraith colony."
They all looked at each other then burst out laughing. "Let's do that again!" Sheppard suggested. Then he suddenly remembered why he was in such a hurry to get back to Atlantis in the first place. "PIZZA!" He cried. "Rodney, how fast can we get back to Atlantis in this thing?" he asked waving a hand around the ship.
"Hmm, let's see," Rodney murmured thoughtfully. "Three hours. Less if I can modify the hyper-drive."
Sheppard licked his lips hungrily. "We should just be able to make it. Let's go!"
Two hours and fifteen minutes later the team's new hive ship, dubbed the Booger Worm, emerged from hyper-space above the planet.
"Atlantis this is Dr. McKay, please respond," Called Rodney, doing his cheesy, macho reporter voice again. After a few minutes of silence they heard Elizabeth's voice come back. "Rodney? What are you doing with a hive ship?"
"Some nice wraith gave it to us," Chimed in Sheppard.
"A wraith gave it to you?" Elizabeth said with disbelief heavy in her voice. "And where is this wraith now?"
Ronon gave a happy grin. "He jumped off a cliff with the rest of his hive."
"Why did he do that?"
"Cause I asked him too."
In the control room Elizabeth blinked and shook her head, certain that she needed to get her ears checked. "Umm, okay then. I'll be looking forward to this debriefing."
"Yeah, yeah, sure," said Sheppard. "First thing's first though; could you send a jumper to pick us up? I don't think there's room for us to land this thing on a pier and I absolutely refuse to miss pizza night."
Elizabeth rolled her eyes; men, always thinking about their stomachs. "I'll send Major Lorne to pick you up."
30 minutes later Sheppard, Ronon, and Rodney nearly ran over several Atlantis personal in their haste to get to the mess hall. They made it just in time to fight off SGA-6 and claim the last pepperoni pizza. It only took the boys two minutes and fifteen seconds to finish it off. They could have done it in one fifty but they got into a fight over the last piece. Ronon won, but when he held it over his head in triumph Teyla plucked it out of his hand and shoved it in her mouth in a very unladylike manor. Sheppard sniggered and Rodney choked on his laughter.
Teyla finished off the slice of pizza then sucked some tomato sauce off her fingers. "Dr. Weir would like us to debrief with her in 30 minutes." She informed the rest of the team.
Sheppard suddenly looked apprehensive. "Err, do you think anyone will actually believe us?"
"Why wouldn't they?" asked Rodney.
"Well we annoyed the wraith into letting us go, giving us their weapons, their ship, and jumping off a cliff."
"Oh," said Rodney obviously just now realizing how that sounded. "You know, let's just tell everyone we found the ship."
"I'm all for that," Agreed Ronon.
Sheppard raised his hand, "Me too."
Teyla looked uncomfortable about this. "We would be lying. Are you certain you want to deceive Elizabeth?"
"Let's see," said Rodney. "It's either we tell her we found the ship or we tell her the truth and end up spending a lot of quality time with Dr. Heightmeyer. Take your pick."
Teyla didn't hesitate in the least, "We will tell her we found the ship."
With that decided the team headed out of the mess hall towards the briefing room. All of a sudden they started singing quietly "I taste like a booger but I look like a worm…"
Has anyone else ever hear that song? It was in an email an old family friend sent to my dad a while back. It was the funniest thing ever! There was this little green wormy thing on a hand and he was singing that song and you could click on the hand and drag it all around the screen and the little worm dude just kept singing that song. And singing, and singing, and singing... and well I suppose you kinda had to see it. Anyway anyone wanna review for poor lil' ol' me? Pleeeaaase?