I vowed not to let them see me crying…
I guess that they thought that I just wanted to be alone… like mum… She just wanted to be alone, crying by herself on that ugly couch that sat to the side of our living room.
But I moved back into my- Sorry… Our old bedroom. By myself… I was… always by myself.
I would hide my face when anybody would come into the room, you know… to bring me food, or stuff like that… mum would sometimes just kiss the top of my head and walk out. She, just like everyone else, thought that she felt my pain.
Being my- Sorry, our mother, I guess that she at least felt some of my pain. If not as much as I had hoped. But I knew for a fact that she did not feel what I felt.
I would have dreams sometimes, dreams about childhood… I hated those dreams, but loved them at the same time…
I'm not sure if that makes sense…
I heard my door open again, I hid my head, not caring who came in. Then I felt the slight weight next to me, the weight that showed that someone else had sat down. An arm was around my shoulder, and my head was rested to the body of whoever it was who sat next to me.
It wasn't mum or dad, I could tell that much, still, I didn't bother to look.
I couldn't help myself… I started sobbing, sobbing for the first time sense the death… I promised myself that I wouldn't cry, he wouldn't have wanted me to cry, he would have wanted me to laugh… To poke fun at him…
Just as I always had, just as I had always expected him to do to me…
"Hush…" I heard faintly, as another arm wrapped itself around me in a loose hug. I briefly lifted my head up, recognizing by voice who held me. My older brother had his arms around me, holding me close to him.
"Why wasn't I there…" I mumbled. "Why couldn't it have been me? Not him… he didn't deserve it…"
No response… just a brief sigh… Then it came,
"He wouldn't have wanted you to die, if you had, he'd have said the same thing to me…"
I knew he was right… he was always right, mum and dads perfect son he was… he always had been… But I didn't have to admit that he was right…
I closed my eyes, wishing so badly that I could wake up, finding out that this was all a dream… that would have been the best moment of my life.
But I was more than aware that it was not a dream, that it was really happening.
"We always promised we'd go together, if ever at all…" I let out in a squeaky sob. "It was just a joke… but we promised none the less…"
I could feel him nod. He felt sorry for me… For all I knew, the only reason that he was doing this was so he could be the one to help his younger brother…
"God dammit…" I mumbled. "I should be dead too! I should have just killed myself when he died!" I pulled my hair. Cursing under my breath.
"That's enough." My brother said. "I don't want to hear that out of you anymore. No one else is going to die. You know that."
"But its not fair!" I yelled. "He's part of me! He always has been! It was always, Fred and George, George and Fred. It was never just one of us! We where like one kid split up into two bodies!"
"You're not a kid anymore though…" He said quietly. "You're growing up, you're twenty years old."
"I don't care…" I mumbled.
"Well it's time you started!"
I jumped slightly, he sounded angry… he actually yelled at me. He hadn't yelled at me sense the death.
"You're an adult now, it's about bloody time that you started acting like one!"
"SHUT UP!" I screamed.
That was when I felt the hit, my cheek started to burn as I clutched my shaking hand over it. He slapped me, clear across the face.
I looked at him…
I looked right into his eyes…
Then I cried… cried harder than I ever had before in my life…
It wasn't because of the pain… It was because he hurt me… but not in a bad way, he hurt me to show me that he cared.
I rested my face to his chest and continued my sobs. Sitting like that for at least half an hour.
The weight on my bed left as he got up. Kissing me gently on the top of my head. I stopped crying, I had finally gotten rid of all the pain that had been in my body.
"Percy…" I said looking to him, my eyes red and bloodshot. He turned his head, looking back at me. Then smiled. "Thank you…" I said. He sighed, opening the door.
"You're welcome, little brother."
We cannot separate…
You're part of me,
An though you're invisible,
Trust the unseen…
I cried out with,
No reply, and,
I can't feel you,
By my side,
I'll hold tight to,
What I know,
And I'm never,
- Never alone, BarlowGirl