TITLE: Love Hurts
FANDOM: She's the Man
RATING: T may change to M later
SUMMARY: Olivia breaks down after the revelations.
Disclaimer: I own nothing, but I'm pretty sure this story is coming out of my head. Can anything really be yours after it's out of your head?
The panic attack started by the soccer field when "Sebastian" took off his wig, and shook out that long hair, it felt like my heart was going to explode. I was feeling dizzy and light headed, this wasn't just a panic attack, this, This was a panic assault. When he lifted his shirt revealing a much thinner, beautiful, very FEMALE body, my last conscious thought before I fainted was that I fell in love with a girl.
"Ow…" my head was killing me. I was still out by the soccer field, and no one seemed to have noticed that I was lying on the ground.
He's a she… Sebastian is Viola… I have been fantasizing about a girl… but wait… I kissed her. But there was stubble… Okay, I felt a brief wave of relief, I kissed the Real Sebastian. But I fell in love with My Sebastian… Oh my god… I fell in love with a girl… NO! She tricked me, she lied to me. I couldn't love her!
My mind was stuck on Sebastian/Viola, I was furious, and more than a little turned on (I just got to see both the Real Sebastian, and My Sebastian naked), and depressed, and Jealous… had she really just said she loved Duke? I think I'm going to cry… I need to get away from all of these people…
I made it to my building before the tears came. By the time I was in my room I was sobbing uncontrollably. I didn't even make it to my bed before I collapsed. I just curled up into a ball on the floor and cried.
After about 2 hours, I pulled myself together enough to get up and move to my bed, My bed… where just last night, I had touched myself wishing it was Sebastian's perfect soft skin touching me… but that was Viola's skin… does that make me a lesbian? I don't want to be in love with a girl. Is it too late? I imagined her touching me the way I had last night... And it still gave me goose bumps. I think I'm going to be sick!
I have never felt this bad before, never. Everything hurt. I've had crushes before, I've even told a boy that I loved him once. But nothing could have prepared me for this. It felt like the world was ending. I wanted to die, just so the pain would stop. Finally I fell asleep, emotionally exhausted.
I wish I could say I felt better in the morning. That I got over it. Or that I could at least be detached enough to function… but I can't.
I dreamed about Sebastian, he pulled off his Viola mask and it was My Sebastian again... and we kissed and when I looked up, I realized that I had been kissing Her.
I hated her that morning. I wanted desperately to hurt her, as bad as she had hurt me. I wanted to make her suffer and cry. I even considered asking Duke out, just to spite her. I'm fairly sure he was still into me. And if her feeling for him were even close to mine for "Sebastian" then that would be very fitting, the only thing that prevented me from doing just that, was that I would be playing with Duke's feelings the same way she had played with mine.
Knock Knock Knock… "Livy Hon? You alive in there?" Maria called through the door.
I just rolled away from the door, remaining silent.
"You're going to be late for class"
I realized that she knew… Oh my god, Everyone knew. I didn't keep it a secret that I had a thing for Sebastian!
"Is this about that thing at the soccer game?"
That did it, I totally lost the little control I gained over night. I came sprinting out of the room tears streaming down my face, straight to a stall in the bathroom. I hadn't had anything since yesterday's pukefest, so it was just acid, bile, and a little blood. I didn't even know Maria had followed me till she was helping me up. She helped me wash my face, and take me to the nurses office. Somewhere along the way there, I stopped crying. So I was actually able to answer the nurse's questions when she asked them.
After checking me out, she said I was a little dehydrated, and had a small tear in my esophagus that was causing the bleeding. So she gave me an IV and told me she needed to keep me for a day or two. Which was fine with me, no one could ask me about the cross dressing fiasco if no one knew where I was.
Maria tried to get me to talk for a while. But all she succeeded in doing was being late to class herself.
How do I talk when the only person I would want to talk to about this, happens to be the one that caused it? I desperately wanted to talk to My Sebastian. And even though I knew that he had really been Viola. They still were separate people in my head. I still loved My Sebastian, and I was so insanely mad at Viola that I actually shook now and then in rage.
Two days later:
Now I was starting to really get scared, I still hadn't been able to keep anything down. And my attempts and failures at eating had reopened the tears in my throat. The nurse had told me that if I couldn't keep something down by tonight, that I'd need to go to the hospital.
It was like I couldn't trust myself at all, if I thought about Sebastian, I'd start to cry again, if I thought about Viola I'd get really mad, but the worst was when I would think about what her skin felt like, or how she would smile at me, or her eyes. I would get this brief happy warm feeling, which I hated, and then my stomach would start trying to turn itself inside out again.
I know that Maria is my best friend, but that seems kind of inadequate to describe how great she was through all of this, I'm sure that if she hadn't dragged me to the nurses that day, I'd probably be dead right now, she was there every day trying to get me to talk to her. Trying to make me feel better. But even she has her limits and on that third day, she reached them.
"Liv, you can't do this to yourself anymore, I know that the situation is screwed up. But you can't let it destroy you like this."
"I don't really have a choice, don't you think I'd quit if I could?" Was that really my voice? I sound terrible.
"I honestly don't know Hon, you won't tell me what's going on in that head."
"Fine! If you won't talk to me I'll get someone you will talk to!"
She slammed the door, I've never seen her lose that much control before, she must be really mad at me. I wonder who she thinks I'll talk to. My parents already called, they are cutting short their trip to come home, great more guilt for the depressed girl. Maybe she's getting her therapist to come see me…
I wish she had brought her therapist, because the second she stepped into the room, I was gone. I just went for the bathroom as fast as I could, tearing my IV out in the process. I wanted to hit her, I wanted to kiss her, I wanted to be as far away as possible, I wanted to wrap myself around her… at least I had seen the guilt in her eyes. Because if she had came in there, looking like she hadn't done anything wrong. I would have hit her with something, I was sure of it.
So there I was on the bathroom floor, pressed against the door, my arm was bleeding pretty badly, I didn't think an IV needle could do that much damage.
"Olivia, I know you can hear me. Can you please let me in?"
I hated her, I hated that she scared me this much, I hated that she had lied to me, I hated that she sounded so apologetic.
"I'm sorry Olivia, I had no idea where you went, I thought you were avoiding me. I looked everywhere for you."
I hated that she was here, I hated that she knew what she did to me, I hated that I had run instead of hurting her.
"I never meant for any of this to happen, I just thought I was going to play soccer, I swear I wouldn't have done it, if I knew it was going to hurt anyone."
I hated that she was being sincere, I hated that I could hear her crying, I hated that she seemed to care
"Olivia, I'm not going to ask you to forgive me, because what I did to you was pretty unforgivable, but…. Olivia! Olivia, there is blood coming under the door! Olivia, OPEN THE DOOR!"
I hated that I could still hear him in her voice, I hated that I wanted to make her feel better.
I hated that I loved her.
To be continued…?
Review/discuss/flame: This is my first attempt at fan fiction, so anything is helpful. Let me know if you want me to continue.