Author's Note: This story is dedicated to winterrosa, who asked me to write about this. She also gave me the title (I just added "Fangirls And a") and the plot (the whole motorcycle thing and Vincent getting attacked). Thanks so much, winterrosa!
Cloud piled the packages he had to deliver in three neat piles. He looked up at the clock. He should start delivering in about an hour or so. Cloud was grateful that he didn't have to deliver anything to Old Mrs. Crank. Mrs. Crank was…well, a crank. The last time he delivered something to her, she had beat him over the head with her cane. Aerith had to somehow put an icepack on his spiky-haired head.
There was another lady who was a bit…uh…out of it. A few weeks ago, she had thought that Cloud was her long-lost husband. AVALANCHE had gotten a call from a bewildered Cloud, and were obliged to rescue him. Then, the lady had panicked because her "husband" had been kidnapped. Thus began a rather befuddling sequence of events that involved a court hearing, a lot of explaining, and a scarred-for-life Cloud.
Before Cloud could sit down, Aerith burst into his office. She was covered in bubbles and looked frantic.
"Cloud! We have a little emergency in the laundry room!" she said.
"Emergency?" Cloud asked.
"Yes, Yuffie did something with the washing machine," Aerith winced.
"Does that have to do with the bubbles?" Cloud inquired as he flicked some bubbles off Aerith's hair.
"There's a lot more from where that came from," Aerith said as she brushed some bubbles off her dress.
The two made their way to the laundry room…to find Tifa and Yuffie knee-deep in bubbles. Yuffie was trying to stomp on them, and Tifa looked floored.
"Yuffie! What did you do?" Cloud scolded, wiping bubbles off his pants.
"She used dishwasher detergent instead of washing machine detergent," Tifa explained, frantically trying to turn the washing machine off. In the process, she ended up spraying a strong stream of bubbles into her face.
"DARN!" she yelped and spit out some bubbles.
"Yeah! I thought that "Green Apple" smelled nicer than "April Breeze"! But I didn't know it would bubble over," Yuffie said, defending herself.
"Yuffie, you use dishwasher detergent for dishwashers," Tifa reprimanded, "Even if it does smell nicer, use the correct detergent for the correct machine." She grabbed a pole and tried to turn the washing machine off. Instead, she ended up poking herself in the stomach, slipped, and crashed into Aerith.
"Sorry!" Tifa apologized and helped Aerith up.
"That's fine…where'd my ribbon go?" Aerith wondered, brushing bubbles off her face.
"Here it is!" Yuffie yelled, diving into a mound of bubbles. Aerith thanked her and tied the sudsy ribbon in her hair.
"Is it just me or are there more bubbles than before?" Cloud looked up.
"How do you stop this thing?" Aerith asked, as the bubbles rose higher and higher.
"ACK! I can't see!" Yuffie yelped, the bubbles rising over her head.
"We should call the handy man," Cloud suggested.
"Good idea…eek! I can't see!" Aerith was buried under a mound of bubbles. Before they could escape their bubbly prison, they heard angry footsteps approaching.
"What the & happened to my &in' pants?!" Cid yelled, showing them a pair of tiny pants that wouldn't even fit on a doll.
"Oops! I guess I shouldn't have thrown those in the drier!" Yuffie said sheepishly.
"Tifa!" Marlene called, "Something's wrong with the dishwasher! They're really slippery and streaked with something that smells like strawberries!"
AVALANCHE all turned their gaze to Yuffie.
"Aw man! I thought shampoo would work well! Nyuk nyuk nyuk!" she giggled nervously.
Tifa sighed, "How about I do the housekeeping chores around here with Aerith? You can just…oh, help around."
Yuffie nodded happily. Now she could work on stealing Vincent's materia!
"That still don't help my &$in' pants," Cid scowled.
"You can always get a new pair," Aerith soothed. The group quickly exited the laundry room (the bubbles were now touching the ceiling) and closed the door.
"I'll call the handy man!" Tifa said, and ran to the phone, "Hello? Hi, I'm Tifa Lockhart, and my washing machine just exploded with bubbles everywhere. Yes…yes. Seventh Heaven, on the corner of Western Drive and Sunny Vale Avenue. Yes, thank you!" Tifa hung up, "they should be here in about thirty minutes."
Aerith looked at Cloud, "You better leave, before something else happens."
Before Cloud could say anything, Barret barreled into the room.
"WHO THE & PUT RHINESTONES ON MY &IN' FISH NET VEST?!" he roared.
Once again, everybody turned to look at Yuffie.
"Nyuk nyuk nyuk! It's cute, right?" she giggled nervously.
"So that's where my rhinestones went!" Aerith groaned, "And did you also steal my other pink ribbons?"
Nanaki answered that question as he walked into the room…with ribbons tied on his tail.
"You humans sicken me," he growled, showing his newly decorated tail.
"Ug! Do I have to ground you?" Tifa said to Yuffie, exasperated.
"Yup! Definitely time for you to leave!" Aerith said, giving Cloud a gentle shove towards the door, "Hopefully, all will be in order when you come back!"
Cloud laughed. Oh well, nothing could happen while he was delivering, right? He said his good-bys, gathered his packages, put them in his Fenrir, and took off. It was a bright, sunny day.
Little did he know his impending doom…
"Is the Blonde Bishi there?" a girl dressed in black asked into a cell phone.
"I hear his hawt bike!" was the giggly, high-pitched reply.
The first girl (who was hidden in a tree) nodded, "Good."
"Is the Bishi Net prepared?" the high-pitched voice queried.
The first girl looked at the ten other girls in the tree, who were all equipped and had the Net ready.
"OMIGOSH! This is so, like, exciting!" the high-pitched voice reached some very high notes that the common human could not accomplish.
"Yeah-ah! Do you see…?"
"OMIGOSH! OMIGOSH! OMIGOSH! I see him! SQUEE!" the high-pitched voice went so high that it nearly shattered the other girl's eardrum.
"Awesome!" the first girl hung up and shut her cell phone. She looked at the ecstatic faces of her friends.
"Cloud Fangirls, in position…it's show time, girls!"
"Ehmagosh, isn't that like Rikku's line…?"
"Wrong vid-game, sister!" another girl laughed.
"Do I look like I care…"
"GIRLS!" the first girl (who appeared to be the leader) yelled, "Quiet! Operation Smexi Bishi has begun!"
The girls immediately hushed and grabbed the net.
"You girls prepared? The trap on the ground is set?" the leader said into her cell phone.
"Yuppers!" was the happy reply.
"Great!" the leader heard the faint roar of the "hawt bike".
Cloud decided to drive through the little scenic route. Aerith had mentioned something about the pretty pink flowers there. He was done delivering for the day, so it wouldn't hurt to pick up a few flowers for her. Besides, Cloud liked driving through the scenic route. There were usually no other cars or pedestrians, so he could drive fast and not worry about running people over. He didn't even think twice about driving over the grass in the road. His Fenrir could easily go over it.
Cloud wasn't quite sure what happened next. He was driving over the grass, and in the next moment he was in a hole with his bike on top of his leg.
"What the…" Cloud muttered as he freed his leg.
Then, he got the sinking feeling that this was a trap when he heard…
That could only mean one thing…
The thing that was more deadly than Sephiroth, Shin-Ra, Darth Vader, and Godzilla combined.
Before Cloud could escape, he found himself entwined in a net.
"OMIGOSH! We got the Blonde Bishi!" several girls squealed.
"Let me go!" Cloud yelled, trying to free himself. Why, oh WHY didn't he bring his sword?
"He's smexier up close!" another girl giggled.
"Let…me…GO!" Cloud kicked at the net.
How embarrassing...to be caught by a bunch of hormonal, hyper girls.
This was even worse than that whole "Miss Cloud" episode!
"Can we kiss him?" more girls shrieked.
A LOT worse.
"Why nawt? He's like, STUCK!" another girl tittered.
A WHOLE lot worse.
"Puh-ker up!" a high-pitched voice squeaked.
"Oh NO you don't!" Cloud glared at them. Struggling to get out was useless.
"Let's take him to the HQ!" a girl suggested.
"Yeah! And like take pics!"
"OMIGOSH, guh-rate idea!"
Cloud closed his eyes and prayed…hard.
Tifa looked at the clock. Eight hours ago, the handy man and come and gone. Where was Cloud?
"Aerith, does it usually take eight hours for Cloud to deliver stuff?" Tifa asked her.
Aerith struggled to take out the last ribbon in Nanaki's tail, "No. And he didn't have many packages either. Maybe he's running errands…or…"
A knock on the door interrupted her.
"Coming!" Tifa ran to the door and opened it.
There was a huge crowd of girls looking eagerly into the house.
"Um, hi! How can I help you?" Tifa asked.
"Like, hi! Does, like, Vincent, like, Valentine, like, live, like, here?" the girl who knocked on the door asked.
"Um…why?" Tifa asked cautiously.
Vincent took that moment to pass by the door.
"OMIGOSH! IT'S VINNIE!" the crowd of girls screamed. They pushed past Tifa and made a beeline for Vincent.
"Hey! Stop!" Tifa was pressed against the wall in order not to get trampled.
"What's going…eek!" Aerith shrieked, seeing all the girls.
Vincent inwardly groaned. Hadn't this happened to Rufus Shin-Ra?
"GET HIM!" Vincent found himself wrapped in a net.
Well, this was annoying…
He used his metal hand to claw through the net and jumped out.
Aerith looked at Tifa, "Do you think Cloud got attacked by fangirls?"
Tifa's eyes widened, "Oh no! We have to help him!"
Nanaki ran off to inform the rest of AVALANCHE while Tifa, Aerith, and Vincent tried to herd the frantic fangirls outside.
After Barret had interrogated one of girls on the location of their HQ, AVALANCHE headed off to save Cloud.
"Where's your cape, Vincent?" Tifa asked.
Vincent looked annoyed, "One of those love-sick females stole it."
"Eh, those fangirls. Lucky I'm a cat!" Cait Sith chuckled.
"Yeah, they think you're a "cute widdle puddy cat" instead," Aerith grinned.
They all stopped talking when they approached the HQ.
"Nice tree house!" Yuffie admired the HQ.
"Ready?" Tifa pulled out a rappel cord.
"Ready!" AVALANCHE replied.
Cloud sighed as another group of hyper fangirls took a picture of him. They had put him in a pen of some sort. He couldn't get out, since the net rendered him completely helpless.
What a predicament.
Cloud would never hear the end of this!
"FREEZE!" a voice commanded over the hullabaloo of the fangirls.
Yes! Cloud recognized that voice! He nearly sang for joy.
"Release Cloud and no one gets $#!in' hurt" Cid yelled.
"And if you don't, I'll destroy this tree house," Vincent threatened.
"I'll rip it," Aerith said, clutching her staff.
"I'll smash it," Tifa put her gloves on.
The frightened fangirls looked at each other, and then at Cloud.
"All right, but under one condition!" the leader of the girls said.
"What?" AVALANCHE asked.
The leader smiled, "I get to kiss Cloud…"
Another girl spoke up, "And I get to kiss Vincent!"
"…" Vincent gasped.
"!?" Cloud yelped.
"…" AVALANCHE glanced at each other nervously.
Vincent grimaced and let the girl smooch him.
"OMIGOSH! His cheek is so soft!" she gushed while a disgusted Vincent wiped his face with a disinfectant wipe.
Cloud braced himself while the fangirl kissed him.
"I'm like SO gonna treasure this moment forever!" she sighed.
"I won't," Cloud grumbled while he copied Vincent.
AVALANCHE sat around the dining table, exhausted. They had succeeded in getting Cloud out safely…although Vincent was scarred for life. Marlene was brushing out the tangles in Cait Sith's fur, since several rapid fangirls had jumped on him.
"That was quite the adventure!" Aerith laughed.
"No kidding," Cloud said, rubbing his head.
"Yo Yuffie, can you heat up some hot cocoa?" Barret asked.
"Sure thing!" Yuffie hopped over to the kitchen.
"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Cid said wearily.
"Why not? It's pretty easy…" Tifa began. However, a loud BOOM echoed throughout the house.
"…Or not…" Tifa grimaced as they raced to the kitchen. Yuffie's face was covered with black soot, and the microwave was on fire.
"Oh man, just what did you do?" Cloud moaned, going for the fire extinguisher.
"Well, I put the milk and stuff in this pot, and then put the pot in the microwave! And them it went BOOM!" Yuffie explained, wiping the soot off her face.
"Humans…they're not very smart," Nanaki sniffed.
"At least this one ain't," Barret scowled as he and Cloud put out the fire.
"HEY!" Yuffie stomped her foot, "Be quiet…you….you…BIG FAT LOSER!"
Barret whirled around, "You callin' me a loser, foo?!"
"Yeah!" Yuffie said, crossing her arms.
Tifa and Aerith sighed.
Not another drama…