The DHARMA Initiative
SAYID: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
NAMASTE ! You are now the proud owner of a SAYID unit! In order to achieve full use of your unit the reading of this manual is essential. You don't want to watch poor Nadia being tortured, do you?
You should also feel pleased to know that the proceeds from your purchase are used toward the goals of the DHARMA Initiative, which is an establishment seeking the betterment of mankind, advancement of world peace and other shady business possibly leading to violating human rights and experimenting on indigenous people of the Island, who either hit the jackpot with immortality or have their souls consumed by the Black Smoke Monster.
Your SAYID unit should arrive fully assembled and in upright conditions. Please check that you have all his accessories (see list below).
Full Name : Sayid Jarrah
AKA : Captain Badass, Genius, Our Resident Iraqi, Chief, Super Curl, A-Team, etc.
Porn Name : Secret Silent Screams
Manufacturer : DHARMA Initiative, Inc.
Date of Production : Classified.
Age : 37
Height : 6'0
Weight : Not accurately known. Island diet may fluctuate.
Your SAYID unit comes with the following accessories. Please check off to make sure you have all necessary items:
One STANDARD ISLAND WARDROBE (bermuda shorts, straw hats, plenty of black wife beater tank tops, etc.)
One SHOVEL (alternates as a tool or manly fashion accessory)
One WALKIE TALKIE
Two BAMBOO SHOOTS (optimal torture devices)
One PICTURE OF NADIA
One EXTRA D–K (see FAQ)
One SET OF COOKING UTENSILS
Replacement and additional items must be purchased through our website. We gladly accept credit, debit and checking account as payment. We also ship worldwide. Even to the Island. However, we cannot guarantee the shipping time to orders to the Island. It may arrive past, present or future.
Your SAYID unit will arrive at your home in an unconscious state. PLEASE follow the correct procedure of activation or your SAYID unit will not function properly. Failure to follow instructions may have negative results. Worst case scenario: He may use those bamboo shoots on you. Brrr!
The SAYID unit has two METHODS of ACTIVATION. Please choose only one:
(1). Remove him from his box (following the unwrapping instructions on box).
(2). Lay your unconscious unit flat on the floor. Make sure he is in the eagle position. Note: Please refrain from laying on top of your unit! You will need to be at least one foot away from him.
(3). Take a full glass of water and splash it on his face. Note: Do not hose down his body! You'd be surprised how many customers do that and end up with a HOSTILE unit. Anyway, wait for five minutes.
(4). Your unit will gradually awaken and take in his surroundings. Then he will stand up slowly.
(5). His gaze will eventually catch yours once he is fully upright. This is the easy part. Do not look away! Stare into those deep, calm eyes.
(6) After a few minutes, your unit should acknowledge you with an introduction and you should introduce yourself also.
(1). Remove him from his box (following the unwrapping instructions on box).
(2). Create a homemade bomb with timer (directions provided at our website).
(3). Drag your unit to an unoccupied room of your home. Tie your unit up with some sturdy rope.
(4). Leave everyday household items in room such as gum, hair pins or rubber bands. Then place bomb in room and start timer.
(5) Now start shouting like you are mortal danger (you are) and SAYID will instantly awake and MacGuyver you out of the situation.
Upon successful activation, your SAYID unit will be compelled to question you extensively. We know this may seem intrusive but once you get that out of the way your SAYID will be very comfortable with you.
As a former communications/intelligence officer for the Iraq Republican Guard, your SAYID unit is quite skilled and efficient. There will be no task too great for your unit.
MODES OF OPERATION
TORTURER : Communications and intelligence is simply a smokescreen to what your SAYID unit is really skilled in. He is a TORTURER. This is not a mere occupation for your unit. It has become a dirty stain on his soul that cannot be easily erased. Unfortunately, he is also damn good at this former employment. Your unit will struggle to overcome this horrible provocation to inflict PAIN for the greater good. If you want to remain on good terms with your SAYID unit then you should discourage and disapprove of any acts of torture. He may argue with you at first but he will be grateful you at the end of the day.
SOLDIER : As an Iraqi soldier, your SAYID unit was trained in various fields of strategy and battle. He has also been trained to operate and repair all kinds of TECHNOLOGY. Farewell, overpriced plumber! Hello, working pipes! In addition, this occupation has given him a very high level of commitment and degree of loyalty. Any job you hand your unit will be done in a timely fashion and with complete thoroughness. There is no lazy or procrastination in your unit's vocabulary. He will always be doing something with his hands. If you're good, you can make sure those hands are occupied with your body.
CAUTION! A downfall to the above two modes of your SAYID unit is that he will not accept any bullshit depending on your level of trust You may be able to pull one over him if he's thinking with his heart instead of head. But, it is RARE. Therefore, we advise you not to LIE to your unit. Don't think SAYID unit won't torture you because you're his owner.
The DHARMA INITIATIVE is not liable for any emotional or physical injuries you may retain from your SAYID unit. We suggest you have a good health insurance plan.
LEADER : Since your SAYID unit was employed as a soldier he has no problems following orders. However, he is not hesitant to take control of a situation if he feels things are out of control or his skills would get the job done with the most success. He is not a monarch in leadership. He will listen to any helpful advice and apply it to the situation if needed. His attitude of "cool in a crisis" will help to squash the hysterics of your flaky mother who constantly burns down the kitchen or if you happen to get trapped in a elevator.
ACTIVATED UPON CERTAIN CONDITIONS
LOVER : Your SAYID unit makes a wonderful boyfriend or even husband. Once in a serious relationship, his level of loyalty knows no bounds. Yes, he would assassinate someone if it would insure your safety. And he is more likely to torture you than CHEAT on you. To activate this mode all you have to do is ask him out on a date. Be blunt. You do not need to play hard to get. Your unit is an old ROMANTIC who enjoys long walks at sunset, picnics on the beach, enjoy bringing you bouquets of roses and will listen to you unlike your egotistical ex. He is, of course, quite skilled in bed but if you are excessively horny you might want a SAWYER unit instead.
NEGOTIATOR : So your hardass boss won't give you the raise you deserve. Save that screaming match for getting time off! Instead, get your SAYID unit to talk him down. To activate this mode, simply place SAYID unit before your boss at his most grumpy and abusive mood. SAYID unit will begin negotiations immediately. His calm, debilitating manner and bargaining skills will win over the most hardass boss that ever walked. And if all else fails, your SAYID unit can demonstrate his new "breakdancing" routine on your boss's body.
CHEF : Tired of nachos and bean dip? Throwing a party? Save some cash and use your SAYID unit to cater. He is an excellent cook. Enjoy your unit's delicious spicy foreign dishes. Your parties will be the talk of the town. To activate, simply inform your unit that your cooking is horrible and guide him to the kitchen and presto! Yes, you will never go back to frozen TV dinners with SAYID around.
MECHANIC : You just brought back your car from a tune up and already something is clanking around and making a "not good" noise. Don't drive back to the auto shop! Just pop the hood of your car and position your SAYID unit in front of your car. Tell your unit that you need to be able to drive your car but it is not working. Ask your SAYID unit if he can fix it. If you are successful, SAYID will say: GIVE ME FIVE MINUTES. Then all you gotta do is pull up a lawn chair and watch him work his magic.
VIDEO GAME HERO : Some nerds at our software facility managed to put this bug in some of our models. Basically, SAYID has the ability to mimic the hero of the video game for at least ten minutes. How is that done? Simple. If you are playing an adventure video game with your SAYID unit and you mention how cool it would be if SAYID was the hero then BAM! He will be: Mario, Link, Cloud, etc. It is an impressive performance. Nothing is more hysterical then seeing SAYID hide under a cardboard box like SNAKE from Metal Gear Solid or watch him grow in size like SUPER MARIO.
CAUTION! If you employ this mode while playing SUPER SMASH BROS. BRAWL then your safety and home will be in DANGER. SAYID will flash through all of the characters under ten minutes. Your house will be SMASHED and possibly you in the process. If you must watch SAYID in SMASH attitude then do it outside.
CLEANING AND GENERAL CARE
Your SAYID unit is relatively easy to keep in good condition. To keep him happy, healthy and clean please perform the following on a daily basis:
(1). Hot Shower. Sorry, no bubble baths for your SAYID unit. He enjoys a hot, steaming shower. No scented bath oils. He likes IVORY soap. SAYID unit will welcome a good back scrub.
(2) Food. Your SAYID unit will cook for himself. Just provide the food and oven.
(3). Hair Care. You will need to purchase extensive hair care products. SAYID unit likes to straighten his hair out every now and then.
(4). Exercise. SAYID unit will need to have the use of a gym. Simply jogging in the morning is not enough for your unit. We suggest you get a membership at the local gym.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q : Why does my SAYID unit come with an extra d–k?
A : It's a necessary precaution. If your SAYID unit comes across the CRAZY FRENCH WOMAN unit then she will capture and torture him. Due to an unusual glitch, the CRAZY FRENCH WOMAN unit will end up castrating your poor SAYID unit. If you feel comfortable in protecting your unit from that then you can use the extra equipment for other purposes.
Q : Uh, you do know the CRAZY FRENCH WOMAN has a name right?
A : Of course, we do! But it's more fun to write CRAZY FRENCH WOMAN.
Q : My SAYID unit believes without a shadow of a doubt that our next door neighbour is something he calls an Other. We're supposed to discourage any torturing . . . right?
A : Not in this case. If your unit assumes someone is an OTHER then let him go on with the torture! An OTHER is a HOSTILE. Hostiles kidnap children and run around in shabby clothes. They also eat all the white meat! The horror!
Q : The SAYID unit would never torture animals would he? I'm kinda worried about my dog's safety here.
A : No, he would not. I mean what kind of information could SAYID get from torturing your dog other than "bow wow" or "ruff ruff."
Q : Is my SAYID unit CHUCK NORRIS in disguise?
A : Of course not, silly. CHUCK NORRIS is actually SAYID in disguise.
Q : Speaking of CHUCK NORRIS how about some SAYID facts?
A : Fine. Here are some SAYID facts:
–All the world's a stage and it is SAYID who we must please with a performance.
–With great power comes great responsibility to thank SAYID for your measly existence.
—The Z fighters in Dragonball Z are not screaming to raise their power levels. It is actually the terrifying thought that SAYID will feel their rising power and come kick their butts.
—Reincarnation is SAYID'S second answer to those who challenge him after the first choice, which is oblivion.
—Santa put SAYID on the naughty list. There is no longer any Christmas on the Island.
-Where is Waldo? Hidden deep in SAYID'S wondrous curly mane.
—Someone in the ancient city of Atlantis claimed SAYID wet his bed. Atlantis is now a myth.
–SAYID will never time travel. His very existence is constant.
–The alien symbiote of Venom once latched on to SAYID. There is now only . . . SAYID.
–Poor Gorgamel never got to eat a Smurf because SAYID got to them first.
–MacGuyver was SAYID's protege.
–The Land of Plenty is actually the nickname for SAYID'S body.
–The Twilight Zone is the primitive concept we mere mortals use to explain the evolved mind of SAYID.
–When the Planeteers combine their powers it is not Captain Planet they summon. It is SAYID in his shiny Earth Day suit.
–How many licks does it take to reach the center of a Tootsie pop? Only SAYID will ever know.
For questions or concerns not addressed in this guide, please feel free to contact us at our website or mailing address:
PO BOX 4815
NOT IN PORTLAND, OR 62342
Well, it's certainly been awhile since writing my last guide. I do hope you enjoyed the SAYID guide. Now, when I was writing the SAYID facts there might be some of them already done by Chuck Norris facts website. I can't really remember! I'm too lazy to go check. Feel free to do it for me. :-P So, not all of those SAYID facts may be original. Just letting you know so I won't get comments like "oh that fact has already been done"! Yes, I know, LOL.
I've decided to post a poll to decide which character I should write a guide for next. I think it might be too soon to do one of the Freigthers. Though I'm crazy about Daniel Faraday. If you think I got the skill to do it then you can vote for him on the poll however. I guess I should really tackle one of the female characters: Kate? Sun? Anyways, go vote for the character you want next!
Disclaimer : I did not come up with the owner guide/manual idea. I believe that credit goes to an author by the name of Theresa Green, who's idea lead to the creation of owner guides in other categories. And of course, I do not own LOST.