Pray Thee Can Cope
Sonny and Alexis
The emergency room is as silent as an ancient tomb. A place where no one dare to speak, for they might upset the Gods.
Her eyes sweep quickly over the grieving mother's tear stained face. She can't let them linger there.
There, but for the grace of God, go I.
The words dance through her closed down mind. She can't think of anything else but those words, not right now. She can't think of what this all will mean for her...for him...for all of them.
A little boy has been shot in the head. This isn't a time for plotting. That time will come soon enough. It's a blessing she can't form a coherent thought for if she could, the weight of what she now knows to be true, would steal the strength from her legs. She'd fall down on her knees and sob. But she won't. Later, later she can sob.
Not right now.
Instead she slowly moves her gaze over to the man who she used to love...not that he knows that, or will ever know that. He stands frozen in place, half hunched over, like there is a pain shooting through his gut, but she knows it isn't physical. His eyes are without life. A few moments before this man had been screaming in rage but now he's spent.
She knows she needs to go over to him but her feet can't remember how to walk. It's a skill buried in the part of her mind that she can't access right now. All she can do is keep her eyes locked on his.
There, but for the grace of God, go I.
The words flutter around her mind. No other thoughts exist. Just her heart screaming No and her head reminding it could be worse...it could be their little girl...instead of his son.
Its hard to think when you feel so much. She has excellent reasoning skills except for when it comes to dealing with one man. When he's around she always feels too much, almost more than one soul can even bear. She blames herself for not being able to control her level of feelings for him. But she never has learned how. So she just feels it all...like arrows punctuating her skin, each one hits and leaves its wound, makes its scar. Her price to pay for feeling more than was ever allowed.
She feels way too much adoration of someone who never was meant to be adored, yet she did. Way too much anger, so much she can't even breath at times. And way too much hunger, it steals her breath away just the same as her rage. Till she is left breathless and confused, at times, in his presence. Pulled under the tide...drowning in the presence of all he is to her. All she can't even understand or articulate.
Alexis Davis is the smartest woman in Port Charles but her brain can't protect her heart from Sonny Corinthos.
When she hears he is in trouble, its her heart that sends her feet running out the door, heading to some police station or burning warehouse or hospital. Only when she gets there, and stands in the background of the world he has chosen to create for himself- the world he runs, does she remember that Sonny doesn't need her around for anything anymore. At least, not anything he would admit to.
She could leave right now and no one would say a word. But she won't leave. She can't. Because once she takes one step...the part of her mind that is turned off right now knows...she will start running and she'll never stop and never look back.
They all stand outside the operating room. Each exists on their own island of anger, regret, worry, loss...Jax, Sonny, Kate, Alexis...each looking numbly at a white wall, looking for an answer that they knew years before. They should have found a way to change all this. They all saw it coming. Guilt runs circles in their minds, as Sonny and Alexis think, in unison, We shouldn't be here. It shouldn't have ever come to this. There were so many chances wasted.
And Jax and Kate think I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't have let myself become involved in this.
Huddled together, Jason and Carly aren't just their own island. They are their own world. Their own universe. They could careless if Sonny, Alexis, Jax and Kate stay or leave. Don't even really care if they live or die.
But that is what Sonny expected to happen, so he doesn't get indignant over it. Let Jason take care of Carly. Sonny is too consumed with his own dark thoughts...his own falling into the blackness once more...that he can't even really be bothered to care about the hate filled look Carly gives him, the soul shaking fear that rests in Jason's eyes, that Kate gives him a broken hearted expression every time he shrugs off her attempts to touch him.
Why can't she understand? She can't comfort him. But she'll keep trying, at least for today, because it is the right thing to do. Come tomorrow Kate and her comfort, Sonny is sure, will be on the first plane back to the city. And he will be relieved when it happens. The bullet she took was nearly enough to send her running...this will be the final straw...Sonny can't be bothered to care though. It's a small thing to lose her, compared to all he had already lost...all he could lose in the next minute and the one after that. Like dominoes the pieces of his recklessly constructed world start falling. And when they all reach the ground, he knows he will be left alone.
Patrick and Robin step into the hallway.
Six heads snap up, their eyes instantly on the doctors, their mouths to dry to speak as they hear the news. "He made it through the surgery but the bullet was in a place that caused intensive damage...we'll have to run more tests but ...I feel I need to not let you get your hopes up. The odds of a patient in Michael's condition remaining consciousness again is less than one percent. His coma will more than likely be nonreversible. I'm sorry to have to tell you this."
Sorry, sorry, sorry. The word ricochets around Sonny's mind as his eyes move on their own accord to connect with those of his best friend...though she never knew that, and never will now. He watches as Alexis sucks in a breath, then her body shudders, her hand shoots to her mouth, as if she is trying to choke the sound of her wail...a wail that never comes but Sonny hears it all the same.
Sorry, sorry, sorry. The word is a taunt in his mind. Kate touches his arm and he jerks away as if her hand is fire. His feet start moving and, as he walks away, he can hear Carly sobbing and Jason whispering "Shhhhh," into her ear.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Sonny doesn't know where he's going. He has no where to go now. He has ruined them all. Ruined himself. Tried to play hero...when he was never meant to be a hero. He told himself he could pay for all his sins- the crimes, the lies, the blood, the lust- if only he could keep them safe. He made his bed of lies...of promises too twisted to keep...and now he had to live in it. Alone.
But hadn't he made that choice six years ago? For wasn't he alone anywhere if she wasn't around? He shook his head, not wanting to go there. The damage was done. To Alexis and Kristina and Molly. To Carly and Jason. To Morgan, to Mike. To himself. And most of all to Micheal. This day had been decided years and years before...when Sonny should have run...right out of his life that didn't work and right into the arms of his salvation. But he thought he could get by without her.
Pride goeth before the fall and a haughty spirit before destruction, the Bible warns.
But Sonny only remembers what he learned in Sunday School now, standing in a hallway of General Hospital long after it is too late to lay down his pride and promises and empire. He thought, when he let Alexis walk out of his living room that life changing day in the past, that he lost it all. But it had been his choice. What he had to do for his family...and best for her because this life was not fit for her...she had deserved more. But it was too late, as the door closed behind her, because she was already pregnant, already trapped in his world, and they were on this course. Michael was on this course, Kristina was...even Morgan and Molly and Lila...not even conceived were on this course. This road to hell that Sonny paved.
His hands ache for a gun. One bullet and he can stop thinking, stop feeling, stop knowing what he has done and what is lost for good now. But his hands are empty.