I have always hated this line in the movies. In the books, it's none too bad, but in the movies there is no mention made of the fact that Legolas is the only one who can see the orcs at that point...and yeah...it's just plain dumb.

Kind of short, but one of my favorites in terms of humor. Read carefully, or you'll miss all the glorious little jabs at Leggy-kins ^_^

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Unfairness, Part II

"They run as if the very WHIPS of their masters were behind them."

"They run as if the VERY whips of their masters were behind them."

"They run as if the very whips of their masters were BEHIND them...no, no, no..."

Legolas shook his golden/silver head in dissatisfaction, quite unaware that his hair was fanning out and creating a halo effect about his porcelain face. It took him several minutes to tweak this arbitrary effect into the most flattering arrangement for his skin tone. After that, it took him several more minutes to get the hair out of his mouth.

Being unintentionally and giftedly perfect was so difficult when gallivanting all over Arda. Legolas of the Woodland Realm sighed.

Then Legolas of the Woodland Realm perked up.

"They RUN as if the very whips of their masters were behind them," he declared.

Yes, that would do splendidly! Now, to think of a way in which to best present his discovery of...oh...four hours ago, was it? The smelly subbeings had not caught up yet. The ambrosial elf wrinkled his nose. He hoped that the clever traps he had laid would delay them for several hours more. They claimed to be so worried about the hobbits, and then they didn't even defend themselves from simple traps.

The hobbits...

When he had checked four hours ago, Pippin and Merry hadn't been eaten, smushed, or otherwise life-threateningly harmed yet. He was sure they were fine.

After all, they had him hot on their heels, did they not?

He spared his superbly toned limbs a quick glance, before straightening his broad shoulders back and devising a way in which to win the Aragorn-Looks-Stupid-Again-And-Congratulations-You -Induced-It award for the third time that week. A little ongoing side bet he had going on with Glorfindel.

Glorfindel cheated.

Legolas stood up on a boulder, his perfectly arranged hair fanning out into a perfectly arbitrary stream of gold in the wind. But no, his voice would be carried away. Still, it certainly added some dramatic flair.

Standing at the edge of the cliff, while dramatic as well, could prove hazardous if either worshipper of Dirty noticed his trademark "Green Tights Rule" logo embossed in the catapult. However, they were likely still stuck in the tiger pits...and tigers were terribly hard to emboss. He had had to settle for GTR, and what putrid idiot would make that connection?

Yes, he truly was a genius beyond his kin. Still...Edges of cliffs to be avoided at all costs.

But the sage elf knew that drama came in many shapes and forms.

Such as...

He dug around in his all-purpose pack. Shimmer gel- handy, but not enough in this case. Molding paste- flamboyant, and the first punk rock accessories specifically for elves, but still not quite what he was looking for. Styling spray- perfect for curling ends just the way he wanted, but not...

Aha!

The super-scultipng-ooey-gooey-have-it-just-the-way-yo u-want-it-now-with-added-glitter clay! Perfection.

Unfortunately, perfection came with a very tight lid. Legolas frowned as his incomparable strength failed to open it. Bracing one foot against a conveniently placed tree, he lodged the other against a more commonly found rock, and groaned and grunted and griped and grimaced and gritted his pearly, never-stained teeth until- POP!

The lid flew off into the blue beyond, and at the same moment the rock slid back a few inches, unbalancing the elf and causing him to topple headfirst into his all-pupose hair care pack.

The two founders of Smelly Men and Dwarves' Revenge high fived, before observing the incredible pace at which the orcs

Aragorn and Gimli, at the exact moment specified by Illuvatar (and Peter Jackson), arrived on the scene to find Legolas with his face covered in shimmer gel, the super sculpting clay gluing his brush to his fingers, the pack stuck to his left hand, and his foot caught in a tube of straightening cream. The two were very much gratified to have come just in time to see him spray himself in the eye with hair spray.

Screaming, Legolas tripped over a rope marked SMDR and fell off the edge of the cliff, where his hair became frightfully knotted.

The establishers of Smelly Men and Dwarve's Revenge gave each other a very canon high five before noting the incredible pace at which the orcs were moving.

Kyon-Kyon thanks you for the reviews, which he's now happily munching on. Ideas make him more amiable towards me *hint hint nudge nudge* ;)