It was a dark and gloomy morning on the 30th July as Lord Voldemort pondered what evil deed he should perform for the boy-who-incessantly-insists-on-escaping-all-his-fi endishly-evil-plots's birthday. As he paced around Riddle Manor's living room he noticed a gleaming white pedestal with a plate of chocolate brownies on it. He moved closer to the pedestal he saw a bright green post-it note on the plate bearing the warning: "WARNING! EATING THESE BROWNIES IS PUNISHABLE BY LIVING!"
A speech bubble appeared above He-who-must-not-be-named-or-else-we'll-wet-ourselv es' head, followed by a … inside it.
"OKKAAAYYYY, I'm just going to take one anyway." Tom Piddle said popping a gooey chocolate treat into his mouth.
This is heaven,' he thought, taking a bite out of a forth.
And they'reso rich!' he mentally exclaimed after a seventh.
But think of the calories you're putting on, you won't be able to maintain you're skeletal appearance!' said a voice in his head. At this the Dark Chocolate Lord dropped the brownie he was holding, his lip trembling with guilt.
"NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I WANT TO DIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!" sobbed You-know-who, until a bright green post-it note started flapping itself in his face. He grabbed it, and saw the new message written on it: "IF YOU WANT TO DIE THEN WHY NOT SUMMON THE PERSON WHO WANTS TO KILL YOU MOST AND TELL HIM WHERE YOUR HORCRUXES ARE?" Too upset that he might become fat to notice anything suspicious he cast a quick spell and Harry Potter materialised before him.
Grabbing Harry's XXXL T-shirt he begged "Potter, please listen to me. Take my wand and apparate to these locations…"
(20 minutes later when diet lord had finished explaining to Harry how to get all the horcruxes and Harry had come back)
Harry handed the horcruxes to Voldemort, who put them in a bag (including Nagini).
"Harry p please summon the Death Eaters for me, I need to say g g goodbye." sniffed the vole of death." Suddenly, a large stage erected itself with Voldemort standing on a short podium and Harry grinning on his left. The entire Death Eater army magically appeared in front of the stage shortly after (literally).
"My Death Eaters," exclaimed He-Who-Must-Not-Consume-Over-Fifty-Calories-A-Day, "I have been honoured to be your Dark Lord for the past forty years, but I am afraid that I can not go on living if I am f f fa"
"Fat" finished Harry as Voldemort was unable to say the unholy word.
"Please, don't go on with out me. I wish to be remembered at my greatest, and I don't want any of you upstaging me." sob
Many of the Death Eaters cried at this, their vision for a new world in pieces.
"GOODBYE MY LOYAL SUBJECTS!"
With a flash of green light, Voldemort and his horcruxes were gone. Harry summoned Hedwig and gave her a message saying Harry had killed Voldemort and told her to send it to all of the papers. He headed outside to what was now a sunny day, and relaxed a large sun bed, sipping a glass of lemonade. Dumbledore really puts to much stock in the idea I could only kill the Drama Lord in a big final battle, he needs to learn to go for a simpler approach' mused Harry taking a bite out of a rich, chocolate chip brownie.
This was a plot bunny that decided it would destroy my attention span until I wrote it out. It jumped into my head after I ate one of the brownies I made for the village show I'm entering. I empathise with Voldy, and so will you if you ever eat the best-ever brownies from "Mary Berry's Complete Cookbook".