Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural, Dean or Sam, I'm just borrowing them and I give them back when I 've finished
Thank you for the reviews its much appreciated
Walking into the kitchen Bobby heard the familiar noise of the impala's engine; he headed outside just as the impala entered the junkyard gates. Seeing that Matt had found a place to park it he walked down the yard to greet him
Having found a place amongst the broken down vehicles Matt killed the engine and quickly climbed out to greeted his newly found friend "It's good to see you again Bobby"
"You too" Bobby shook Matt's welcoming outstretched hand
"That was one hell of drive" Matt stretched his back he wasn't used to driving for such long periods of time, he wondered how Bobby and the boys did it nearly every day.
"Come on inside I'll make a fresh cup of coffee, you look like you could do with one" Bobby thought he could do with something a little stronger as he gestured for Matt to follow him
"Thanks" once inside Bobby's home there was only word that came into Matt's head "Wow" wherever he looked there were books, there was probably more books here than in the local library Matt though as he followed Bobby into his kitchen "So how are things, where are the boys?"
"Upstairs talking, Dean overheard us talking about Jay. He took it badly a first locked himself in the bathroom, smashed the mirror"
"Is he's alright? Maybe I should go up and talk to him" Matt looked back towards the stairs, he wanted Dean to know the truth in a face to face session where they could talk it over, overhearing was the worst way to find out
"He's fine but its best to leave them alone for awhile, it's his brother Dean needs right now" Bobby answered
Matt smiled as he sat down at the kitchen table "You've missed your vocation in life; you'd make a good psychologist"
Bobby huffed, him a psychologist "I don't need a fancy bit of paper to hang on a wall to tell me what's going on with them boys, they wouldn't admit to it but all they need each other"
"I'm just glad Dean's opening up to Sam, he been worried that Sam will see him differently now, it's important to him how Sam perceives him"
Upstairs Dean sat on the bed while Sam sat on a chair in front of him and cleaned the cuts on his palms he was still trembling he didn't know what he would have done if he didn't have Sam, he should be looking after him not the other way round "I'm sorry" he whispered
"For what?" Sam asked as he expected the cuts, they weren't deep so he didn't think a bandage would be necessary
"For not being the brother I should be, it my job to look after you but..." Dean's breathing itched slightly "I don't know how to. I feel..." he thought about the words that best described how he felt how he could make his brother understand. His confidence and self esteem were shattered, life as Dean Aleksandrov had been easy, no decisions; no responsibilities all he had to do was be a good little slave and follow Nikolay's orders but Dean Winchester had responsibilities, one of them being Sam, since the day his father had put a baby Sam in his arms and told him to go outside Sam had been his responsibility and always would be, then there was the family business with so many lives to save so many supernatural things to kill was he capable of returning to that.
Sam waited patiently for Dean to continue now that his brother was opening up to him he didn't want to rush him or upset him by try to guess how he felt, after a few moments of silence Dean spoke "I feel lost Sammy and I don't know how to find myself again" Sam was taken aback he didn't expect that word. His brother was lost so now it was down to him to lead him until he found his way again.
"I don't know if I can be the brother you want me to be" Dean rubbed his stomach the cramping was slowly getting worst
"The brother I want is here in front of me, all you need is time to realise that, just promise me one thing though" he saw the pained look on his brother face as he rubbed his stomach, Sam grabbed for the paper bag only to find it empty, there was more chocolate bars downstairs "Please don't shut me out talk to me, you're not in this alone so let me help you"
Dean nodded he hoped Sam was right, maybe he just needed time to adjust "thanks Sammy"
Sam thought it was now the right time to bring up Jay "Dean, Jay's death wasn't your fault; you helped him so he wanted to return the favour. Matt and I should never have agreed to him going to the mansion.
"But if I hadn't have been tasting he would never have needed to go there"
"He knew the risks but he was still willing to do it to find you because he thought you were worth it don't let his death count for nothing, I sure he wouldn't want you punishing yourself for his death" Sam saw a new set of tears well up in Dean's eyes he squeezed his brothers shoulder before he stood "there's more chocolate bars downstairs I'll be back in a minute" he stopped at the door "you're ok, you're not going to do anything stupid?" he wondered whether he should leave Dean alone even for a minute or two
"I'm good" Dean needed a little time alone to pull himself together, he watched Sam hesitate before leaving then he laid back on the bed looking up at the ceiling.. The unshed tears stung his eyelids but he felt happier like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders; he needed to start believing himself again but he was sorry that Jay had died, the kid deserved better then the hand he had been dealt with in life, he was now more determined not to taste, he made himself a promise no matter how bad things get no more tasting and the only way he could see he could forgive himself for Jay's dead was to save as many lives as he could. Getting up he left the bedroom he wanted to tell Sam what he had decided but as he walked down the stairs he heard a conversation about him taking place in the kitchen
"No" he heard Sam say "I can't risk it he's not strong enough I'm not going to let him hunt with us if we find them"
"So what you're going to do leave him behind to work on a few cars while we go off hunting?" Bobby questioned "and what if the Blood Cartel comes for him while we're away hunting them?"
Sam hadn't thought of that, Dean would be left vulnerable while they were away "Then I'll stay with him I won't hunt"
"What do you think that will do to Dean? You can't hide him away from this" Matt asked, Sam had not thought this through "He as a right to be involved"
Dean tightened his fists as he heard them deciding things for him they wanted to control him, he stormed into the kitchen his anger flared "Stop it, you're no better than Nikolay, you're just trying to control me just like he did" he turned on his heels and left slamming the front door behind him. Once outside he didn't know where to go, panicking at the thought of being outside alone he knew there was only one true place where Dean Winchester would feel save.
Sam felt bad he just wanted to keep Dean safe from then Blood Cartel he didn't want Dean to think he was trying to control him, leaving the kitchen he headed outside to find Dean the thought of his brother being outside alone scared him. Outside in the junkyard his heart beat jumped when he saw no signs of Dean then he saw his familiar head, he was sat in the impala. Walking down the yard he opened the passenger side door and climbed in. He could see that Dean was shaking with anger as he sat with his head back his eyes closed presumably trying to calm himself down
"I'm sorry Dean, I would never try to control you" Sam's eyes travelled around the junkyard looking for signs of danger before he looked down at his hands. "I'm just scared I'm going to lose you again to the Blood Cartel, to Nikolay"
Dean eyes shoot open and starred at Sam as his brother looked up at him "There was no time to salt and burn Nikolay's body before McBain showed up; then his body went missing from the morgue, it had to be the Blood Cartel that took it"
"There's no way Nikolay could come back right?" Dean asked nervously his eyes searching Sam's face for the answer
"Bobby says he doesn't know of a way but that doesn't mean it can't be done" Sam's voice started to lower as he saw the fear in Dean's eyes.
"Run all you want Dean but you will always be mine" those words ran through his mind, he started to tremble a little bit more, somehow he found his voice but he couldn't hide the tremble within it "In the past we been able to dodge the FBI so why not the Blood Cartel too. Sam I want to go on the road again and hunt" there was a moment's pause "if that's OK" he added with uncertainty
There was one thing Sam was adamant about "On one condition no vampire hunts" he saw Dean nod in agreement at that he sighed with relief "Ok let's go tell Bobby and Matt"
"No, wait" Dean had more he needed to say " I know we've not really talk about this yet but I want to keep on with Matt's sessions" he didn't want to be a filthy blood junkie anymore "I don't want to be a taster that's what got me into this mess in the first place and I don't want to feel worthless either" Dean fidgeted with the hem of his shirt "I know I need help, these feeling I have aren't just going to go away on their own without counselling I want to, need to try"
"I'll be with you all the way Dean we'll get through this together" Sam squeezed his brother's shoulder then he watched Dean climb out, slowly his brother was returning to him and it was the best feeling in the world. He followed Dean up the yard suddenly the hairs on the back of his neck stood on end, turning he had this eerie feeling that they were being watched he scanned the junkyard and beyond but saw nothing, he but it down to still being on edge quickening his pace he caught up with Dean and they entered the house together
"You boys look at each other" Bobby stood by the impala as Sam and Dean loaded their belonging to the boot "and keep in touch"
Matt stepped forward to Dean "Don't forget our sessions and remember, don't close yourself off it's the worst thing you can do, talk to Sam or phone me Ok"
Dean knew he wasn't good at talking openly about his insecurities, his fears but he needed to try to overcome that "Ok"
While Matt talked to Dean Bobby pulled Sam to one side "take care, any signs of the Blood Cartel ring me you hear me and I'll keep you informed when I know more"
"Don't you worry I'll ring you and Bobby thanks for everything" Sam walked towards the passenger side door and looked over the top of the impala at his brother "you ready to hit the road?"
"Yeah" Dean shook Matt's hand then headed towards the driver's side door climbing in he started the engine while Sam climbed into the passenger seat. Putting the impala into reverse Dean drove out of the junkyard and on to the road, it felt right to be behind the wheel again and for now he could pretend everything was alright, leave his problems behind him and drive away
"So where too?" Dean asked
"How does Texas sound?"
"Texas sounds good"
I'd like to thank you all for reading, reviewing and adding the story to your favourite list. After sixty – four chapters I need a rest so I will start on the third part of the series after the New Year which is called Blood Cartel.