For His Own Good
By Laura Schiller
Series: Shugo Chara
Copyright: Peach Pit
Hinamori Amu was not in the habit of keeping a diary. She was a doer, not a thinker, and besides her thoughts were often so confused that it was too much hard work putting them on paper. All the same, sometimes when her feelings burned for expression, but were too private to reveal to any living person, writing things down in the red plaid journal her mother had given her could be an enormous relief.
November 19, 2008
Tadase-kun is worried about Easter's new plan with the Confusion Eggs. So am I, but I reassured him. Funny, when it used to be the other way around. Last year, he was always encouraging me. I'm so glad I could make him feel at least a little bit better, and then I'm embarrassed that a small event like this makes me glad.
I mean, it's ridiculous. I've had a crush on him for so long...almost two years now...and instead of going away, it's only getting worse. You'd think that after getting my heart broken twice, I'd wise up and get over him, but no! He's still the one I think and dream about the most. Even though he rejected me in front of the whol school and then told me he only liked Amulet Heart. I hate that...but I can't hate him even when I try.
Sometimes just looking at his perfect face makes me want to scream. It's not fair that I see him so often every day, belong to the same team, fight the same battles – like seeing a delicious piece of candy that's just out of reach. But never seeing him at all would be even worse.
In a way it was easier when I was just one of his many fan girls. I used to think he was so handsome and polite, but I didn't know anything about him. It's like he was a painting for all of us girls to admire, and that was okay because he belonged to all of us equally. But now that we're friends, I've gotten to know more of the real Tadase: he takes care of his sick grandmother; he likes dogs and vanilla ice cream; he acts silly when he's chara-changed and gets very embarrassed after; he's trying hard to overcome his shyness and be a stronger person, just like me. He's become a real person in my eyes. The more things like that I find out, the more reasons I have to love him, and the more it hurts when I remember that there's no use in getting my hopes up.
I'm his friend now, someone he respects, someone he can rely on. I get plenty of his smiles, looks and encouragements; it's enough to get by on and I shouldn't waste my time wishing for more.
But I can't stop! It's not just that he's handsome, even though he is. It's not just his voice, the ruby color of his eyes or the way that one golden strand of hair falls across his forehead. It's the kindness he shows to everyone, including me...the way he reassured me when I was worried about not being a proper Guardian...how hard he tries to be a good leader to us, a good person, even when he makes mistakes. He never gives up on anything. He always knows just what to say to make anyone feel better.
There are so many things. I love the way he calls me Hinamori-san, as if I were grown up. (But I wish he'd call me Amu just once, just so I know what it would sound like!) I love his Platinum Royal transformation. I love his face when he gets embarrassed...when he's smiling...when he's worried. He makes me think of sunshine, of quiet days just sitting on a park bench together and talking.
If he hadn't invited me to become a Guardian, my life wouldn't have a purpose like it does now. I'm so thankful that he did...even if we're only friends. I'll be his Joker for as long as it takes...and I'll love him as long as my exhausted heart can keep it up.
The doorbell rang; she ignored it and kept writing. Faintly, she heard her mother call, "I'll get it!", go downstairs and open the door. She heard a voice, too far off for her to recognize, although...no, that was just her wishful thinking. It couldn't be –
"Amu?" called her mother. "You have a visitor!"
Ami sighed, stashed her diary in its hiding place under her mattress, and clattered downstairs. It was probably Yaya or Rima dropping in...
At the bottom of the stairs, she caught sight of the open front door and the person outside it, and froze.
"Good afternoon, Hinamori-san."
Speak of the devil...or rather the angel? "Tadase-kun!"