A.N.: Here's a crack one-shot I was inspired to write after reading a bunch of other crack fan-fics. Hope you like it! :D :D :D :D
Disclaimer: I don't own D. Gray-man. If I did, I would make Kanda drunk in a bunch of episodes. Obviously he wasn't drunk in any of the eps, meaning, I don't own D. Gray-man. Enjoy.
"Bullshit!" Allen accused Lavi of putting down a fraud card.
"Goddammit!" Lavi said as he took the pile of cards and sipped his beer.
This was how the Order spent their spring break every year. What else was there to do for those who were broke and had no life partners. Playing cards in the dining hall was pretty much all they could do. It was sooner or later, at least someone would get drunk and the real entertainment would begin.
"Oi, Usagi. Stop moving so fast. You're gonna make be puke if you move any faster," Kanda slurred.
"I'm not moving, Yuu," Lavi said.
Within a milisecond, Kanda was out cold on the table next to his own bottle of beer and his hand of unplayed cards.
"Well, he's out of the game. I guess it's just you and me, Moyashi," Lavi said.
"Bring it, you bloody rabbit," Allen said.
It was only a moment until they found Kanda awake again.
"How was your two second nap, Yuu?" Lavi asked.
Kanda turned his head to look at Allen and gasped. His eyes on the golden ball with wings.
"Daddy, look! It's the golden snitch! Get it before it flies away! It's on the small white haired girl's head! We'll win if we get it! Then we can beat Harry Potter!" Kanda screamed in a five-year-old voice.
"I'm a boy and I haven't hit puberty yet! That's it, alright?" Allen yelled as he stood up from his seat.
"Pu-bur-tie? Is that your name?" Kanda asked, intrigued, "That's a funny name!"
"That's not my name!" Allen yelled, "What the frick is wrong with you?"
"Frick? Is that your last name?" Kanda said with wide eyes, "PURBURTIE FRICK!"
"Ugh! Lavi! Help me out!" Allen screamed.
"Nope, you're all on your own on this one, man. This too entertaining to watch," Lavi mentioned with a chuckle.
"Daddy, Daddy! His name is Purburtie Frick!" Kanda screamed with delight, "Come help me get the golden snitch from Burtie's head! C'mon, Daddy!"
"Ohhh, I'm 'Daddy.' I thought you were talking to Mr. Frick right here. Well, I won't ruin your fun. Why don't you try getting snatching it yourself, Yuu," Lavi said cooly, "I'm sure, Mr. Frick, here would have some fun himself."
"Bloody hell no. Lavi, you idiot, I've never faced Kanda drunk before. Help me!" Allen pleaded as he dropped his cards and started backing away from the drunken samurai.
"Maybe, if I stabbed the ball, it would be easier to catch!" Kanda said as he drew out Mugen, his precious sword.
"Ahhh!" Allen screamed with Timcanpy still attached to his head.
Allen ran and hid behind Lavi. If the rest of people in the dining hall weren't paying attention already, they sure were now.
"Oi, don't bring 'Daddy' into this," Lavi said.
It was too late. Kanda already started carelessly swinging his sword towards Lavi.
"Ah! Yuu! Don't hit 'Daddy!' Ahh, no! Not near my family jewels!" Lavi yelled.
That was when Kanda became still.
"Family...jewuls?" Kanda questioned.
"Uhh...yeah. Uhh...Family...Jewels," Lavi repeated.
"ARE THEY PURDY?!" Kanda yelled.
"Uhhh, I guess?" Lavi said.
"Can I see them?" Kanda asked.
"No, you cannot," Lavi said sternly.
"BUT I WANNA! I WANNA! I WANNA! I WANNA!" Kanda screamed as he threw a tandrum.
Just then, Lenalee walked into the dining hall.
"Oh, thank God you're here Lenalee! Kanda won't shut the fu*k up," Lavi complained.
"What? That's odd. Kanda won't be quiet? That's not like him," Lenalee said ignoring Lavi's vulgar language.
"Lena-lee?" Kanda said in a quiet voice.
Lenalee turned around and faced Kanda.
"Uh, yeah," she replied.
"That's a purdy name," Kanda said bashfully.
Lenalee then turned back around back to Lavi and Allen.
"He's drunk, isn't he?" Lenalee said.
"Well, yeah, a little," Lavi answered.
"I think you're purrddyy," Kanda said, "Maybe you're as purdy as Daddy's family jewuls, but he won't show me so I don't know."
Lenalee's eyes widened.
"Family jewels," she squeaked, "He just compared me to your dick."
"Uh, yeah," Lavi said looking away, "Well, on the bright side he said you were pretty!"
"Kanda, I think it's time for you to go to bed," Lenalee said as she turned back to face him.
"No! I'm not tired! No! No! You can't take me!" Kanda yelled as he tried to runaway from Lenalee.
"Come on, let's go to your room, Kanda," Lenalee said.
"NOOOOOOOO! YOU WON'T TAKE ME ALIVE!" Kanda screamed.
"Fine, if you won't go to your room you'll just have to sleep here, then," Lenalee said, "Allen! Help me hold him down! Lavi, get a pillow!"
Lavi sprinted towards a man with a broken leg on top of a pillow.
"Sorry, man, emergency," Lavi said as he took the pillow from under the man's leg.
"OWWWW!" the man screeched.
"Told you, man! Emergency!" Lavi yelled, "Here!"
Lavi threw it towards Lenalee, who was straddling Kanda down to the floor. She caught it and put it under his head.
"I DON'T WANN..." Kanda said before he was, once again, out cold.
"Mission accomplished," Allen said as he wiped the sweat off his face.
"Indeed, mission accomplished, Mr. Purburtie Frick," Lavi said.
A.N.: Hope you liked that little crack one-shot I wrote. :D Reviews would be lovely. I had sooo much fun writing this. xD xD Hope you have a nice day...evening...life? Later and peace out!