I'ma try writing a parody and see how it goes...
I do not own Twilight.
"I'm tired." I whined to Charlie who was sitting on the couch next to me reading the newspaper.
He looked up alarmed. "HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET IN HERE?" He screamed his eyes bulging out of his head.
"Bella let me in." I answered simply.
"Bella doesn't live here!" He screamed again.
"Calm down." I continued to whine. "Does it really matter how I got in. It's not like I'm going to kill you... My last human was a LONG time ago."
At least I think she was a long time ago. It's pretty hard for a vampire to keep track of time.
"You kill humans?" Charlie asked calming down slightly.
Why was he calming down? That was weird.
"NO!" I was shouting this time. "I kill animals... You aren't a grizzly bear are you? Because if you are, I REALLY vant to drink your blood."
"Let me get this straight..." He muttered. "You're some kind of blooddrinker?"
"DUH!" I screamed. "YOU FINALLY GET IT! I swear you humans are STUPID!"
"That was RUDE!" He screamed.
"So?" I asked confused.
"You need medication." He told me.
"No I don't." I argued.
"Well lets just see about that!" He shouted pulling out a bottle of little red pills.
"You carry pills around with you in your pocket?" I asked amazed.
"Doesn't everyone?" He asked slightly confused.
"No..." I mumbled.
"I have a slingshot too." He said pulling one out of his pocket.
Then he loaded it with the little red pills and flung them at me. I let out a high pitched scream... which was probably a bad idea. They went straighgt down my throught. I immediately felt sleepy. Stupid drugs. Everything went pink.
I woke up in a cage. A cage? I tried to break the bars and get out. UGH! They wouldn't break. Stupid kryptonite! How did Charlie know?
Suddenly Charlie stepped out of a shadow. "I know what you are Emmett Cullen."
"WELL DUH!" I said sarcastically.
"I am Charlie... The vampire hunter." He announced.
"Oooh so scary." I muttered sarcastically.
"Yes...yes I know." He said smuggly ignoring the sarcasm.
"Can I go?" I asked.
"No... I'm going to kill you." He told me.
I stared at him.
"How are you going to do that?" I asked amazed.
"Rip you to peices then set them on fire. DUH!"
"I know that." I sighed. "But how exactly are you gonna tear me up. I'm not exactly soft and pink..."
"I know that." He snarled. "Jacob!" He called into the shadows.
Out walked Jacob.
"You!" I cried jumping back.
"Hey bloodsucker." He said quietly.
"Hellow dog." I greeted him.
"I'm going to kill you now." He said sauntering forward.