Severus Snape gets an Enema
By Enema Chick (aka that person)
One day, Severus Snape was patrolling the corridors of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, feeling drear and thinking about the many different flavors of girl scout cookies. Just as his twisted mind was touching on the subject of Tagalongs, he felt sudden distress and gave an irritated cry.
"What is this feeling? I know not this sensation!"
"IT'S THE CONSTIPATION SENSATION THAT'S SWEEPING THE NATION!" exclaimed Fred and George loudly.
"It's hit me!" cried Snape in horror. "It's the constipation… whatever will I do?!"
"Why, Severus," said Dumbledore as he came near, "What you need is an enema!"
"A what?!" cried Snape in horror.
"It's where they shove a hose up your—"
"I KNOW WHAT IT IS!" Snape yelled out. "I just can't believe it is so. I always made fun of the unfortunate constipated ones, but… they will rejoice in this—they will tease me forevermore!" He left sadly to go to Madam Promfrey.
However, once he got to the Hospital wing, Madam Promfrey said, "I'm so sorry, professor, but I am so busy with the other enemas on the students that I cannot possible fit in time for yours!
"Harry Potter!" she called, "It's your turn!"
"Awesome!" cried the wretched Potter boy, and he ran forward in anticipation of his enema.
"It's just not fair," said Snape, "He gets EVERYTHING, even stuff I don't want! I wanted Lily Evans my whole life, and HE got her for FREE! Just because she's his mother!" Snape burst into tears. "It's such a dreadful feeling! It's not easy being me!"
Argus Filch, the caretaker, who had been in the hospital wing cleaning up the mess and waiting for his own turn (along with checking out Madam Promfrey), had happened to be standing nearby when Snape had his outburst.
"Professor," he said, limping forward, "I'd be willing to do yours for you, for free! We could borrow Hagrid's garden hose…"
"Anything!" cried Snape. "Just let the misery end!"
Twenty minutes later found Snape duct-taped atop a table while Filch stood nearby.
"So…" said Snape, "Why exactly am I duct taped to a table?"
"So that you'll hold still during the process!" grumbled Filch. "Now let's get started! Now, how exactly does this thing-er-ma-jigger work, anyway?!"
"Wait," said Snape nervously, "Have- have you done this before?!"
"Only to Mrs. Norris," replied Filch.
"But- on humans?!" cried Snape.
"Well," said Filch, "There's a first time for everything!"
One who was standing outside of Filch's closet (where he was performing the operation) would have thought that somebody had placed Snape in a blender. There was a sound of machinery working along with Snape's cries of horror.
When the operation was finished, Snape waddled from the room, his greasy hair sticking out at odd angles and his face contorted into the strangest of expressions.
He waddled uncertainly out onto the third floor, where he saw Dumbledore riding on the moving staircases. When he caught sight of Snape, he smiled brightly and went down to meet him.
"So, Snaperdoodle, feeling better?"
"Not really," was the reply.
"No matter- after all, it wasn't your fault that you had to go through that- it was mine!"
"Well, turns out," said Dumbledore, "That when I was helping Dobby the House Elf to make toquitos, there was an, erm, accident. Anyway, it seems like those toquitos have given everybody constipation, er, issues. Ta ta." With that, he walked swiftly away and walked straight through the wall.
"Well, this sucks," Snape proclaimed, and went off to mope around forevermore.
THE END! Or IS it?!
Harry: I want another enema!
Madam Promfrey: I can't! There are other students waiting!
Filch: I"LL do it for you, if you like…
Harry: Can do! How bad could it possibly be?