Disclaimer: CBS and Bellisario still own NCIS and all its characters. I still have fun when they walk and talk the way I want them to, but I have no claim over them. I write this cracky! stuff for my own pleasure and to give a smile or two to those TIVA lovers and haters and inbetweeners who read it.
Bama, this one is for you. I hope it makes you laugh a little.
The Fan Needs a Rescue
"Gibbs, I had a bad tummy all night last night and I want some revenge."
Gibbs was startled, but didn't show it. He continued to walk down the stairs to his basement to get a better look at whoever was talking. He was surprised to see the mystery lady who had slapped him and told him to forget rule twelve. He actually did a quick double take to be certain, and surely enough it was her. She was sitting on one of his saw horses and sipping water from a bottle. She was as tall as he remembered and had that cap of white hair that made her so distinguishable.
"Last time I heard anything about you, you were wearing a red corset and carrying a bullwhip – and harassing my people."
"That was just for emphasis for Tony. I realize now that the problem is not of his making, so I'm moving up the chain."
"That mean I'm next for the whip? I may have a problem with that."
"First we're just gonna talk, then I'll decide how to handle it from there."
"I want Shane Brennan."
"Shane Brennan, the executive producer, the guy that took over from Bellisario when he bailed. "
"Don't know anyone named Brennan. Met Walter Brennan once, but that was years ago out in San Diego."
"Don't bullshit me, Gibbs. You know as well as I do that if Bellisario were still here, Tony and Ziva would be at least dating and maybe doing the horizontal mambo."
"Lady, you keep using names that I don't know. I think you may need a doctor."
The lady became agitated as she said, "Shane Brennan and the writers have been ambiguous to the point of nauseating everyone this season! He won't let them get together, but he won't break them apart! He gives interviews saying something is going to happen, but nothing does – or it is something in the opposite direction than what he said it would be! We are to the point of being physically ill! As I said, I was sick after last night's episode, and it was because of Shane Brennan. I am going to put him straight, you can bet on that. Now tell me where I can find the silly bastard! I can at least collect for the Tums and toilet paper I used up after the episode!"
Gibbs got red in the face as he yelled in frustration, "I don't know Shane Brennan, and if I did I would not tell you how to find him. You are a crazy woman without a lick of sense. Now get the hell out of here so I can drink my bourbon in peace."
"Not until you tell me what I want to know, Gibbs! Tell me! Tell me!" She stood and advanced menacingly toward Gibbs with blood in her eye.
"I've never hit a woman, but you're trying my patience."
"No, you just shoot them, right? All except Jenny."
Gibbs caught his breath as he shot her a glare.
"That got your attention didn't it? Hasn't been any mention of her this season either, has there? The one woman after Shannon that could match you and be a full partner in your life. There hasn't even been a flashback of you and her together. And now here comes that black haired lawyer woman and you're making eyes at her like a high school kid. What the hell is going on with the love life at NCIS? I'll tell you what. It's that damn Brennan and his need to grab more of the market share. Going off in all directions with ambiguous story lines trying to titillate everyone. Well it won't work, and I'm going to tell him so. If you won't tell me where to find him, I'll do it another way…and don't forget, the sombitch owes me money."
Gibbs leaned against the saw horse and very calmly said, "Since I don't know what you're talkin' about, that's what you'll have to do. Bye now."
She regained her composure and moved across the room to leave. As she walked up the stairs, Gibbs noticed her bright red cowboy boots with the spurs. "Damn, it's her for sure," he thought to himself.
Gibbs woke to hear a low rumbling from somewhere in his house. He couldn't place the noise and that bothered him. He slipped from bed and jerked on the jeans he had thrown across the chair next to the bed. Grabbing his Sig, he moved quietly through the door and down the hallway to the living room. He suddenly realized what he was hearing was the muted voices of several women, and then he heard a voice he recognized.
"Ya'll keep it down, now. We don't want him to wake up before we're ready for him." The murmurs lowered a bit, but Gibbs heard another female voice say, "I think we're ready now. We've all got our signs and we've practiced the chants. Oh, isn't this pink bike cute? Wonder why he keeps a girl's bike in the living room?"
"Oh, and look at this picture of Gibbs and his dad. Isn't that sweet…that's just so sweet."
"Here's the gun safe."
"He really needs to clean up the fireplace better after he grills on it. Look at all the grease he left on these bricks. He really needs a woman to look after him...and I volunteer!"
"This old couch could sure use a dust cover to make it more presentable. This place is so '70's…needs a woman's touch."
Gibbs eased back toward his bedroom and found his cell phone. He punched a speed dial number.
"DiNozzo, get David and McGee and come over to my house right now. You cover the front door. Put McGee in back and Ziva on the side by the basement window."
"What's up boss?"
"Just do it, DiNozzo. Quick."
"On it, boss."
"When you're all in place, knock on the front door and then come on in. Follow my lead."
"You got it. We'll be there in thirty minutes or less."
"Make it less."
Gibbs crept back down the hallway to see if the crowd had turned rowdy. That woman leading them was certainly determined, maybe the whole crew together could get dangerous.
"ME, we could clean this place up a little while we wait. Has anyone seen a vacuum?"
"I'm going to the kitchen and find a dust cloth, the whole place needs a good dusting."
"Ladies, we came here to talk to Shane Brennan. Gibbs can't control what's being written. Tony and Ziva won't get together unless Brennan puts them together. Gibbs tried to make it work and look how that turned out – McGee and Ziva together broke my heart. Well, I was happy for McGee, but I still want TIVA – in love and loving it. McGee's got those other two chicks chasing after him now, so he's taken care of."
"I've got to do something, ME, or I'm going to go crazy. Can't we clean just a little to make the place more presentable?"
"Bama, I know you're all fired up, but check everyone again to be sure we have everything we need. He'll be up soon and we'll start chanting and waving our signs."
There was a loud knock on the front door. Everyone froze in place while the door opened in almost slow motion to reveal Tony DiNozzo, Sig in hand and pointed generally in the direction of the mass of women staring at him.
"Oh, he's just as handsome in person as he is on TV!"
"Yeah, he's a hunk for sure. No wonder Ziva's after his hot body."
"Look at that cowlick. Makes you want to…"
"Can it, girls. We're here on a mission. WE WANT BRENNAN. WE WANT BRENNAN."
The others picked up the chant and Tony's eyes got large as his mouth dropped open.
From behind them, Gibbs yelled, "Everybody shut up!"
Some of the women were raising poster board placards that stated their desires. One said, "TIVA = HAPPINESS" another "GIVE US TIVA, NOW" and another more direct stated, "BRENNAN SUCKS!"
From the doorway into the kitchen McGee asked, "You okay, boss?"
"Oh, god, he is just the cutest thing. I want to pinch his fat cheeks."
"Not me, girlfriend. I want his body. He's hotter than Tony."
Gibbs yelled again, "I said everybody shut up! McGee get Ziva in here to help sort through these women. I don't trust them with you and Tony around. They're just crazy enough to start ripping your clothes off."
McGee responded by punching the speed dial on his phone for Ziva and told her to come in the back door to back them up. Ziva appeared at his side within seconds, Sig drawn and ready.
Ziva said in a startled voice, "Snippy, what are you doing in Gibbs' house with all these women?"
Gibbs, Tony and McGee were surprised at Ziva's question, but did nothing more than raise their eyebrows or in Gibbs case, scowl.
"You and Tony went on your escort mission to Paris, Ziva, and spent the night in the same bed in a hotel room and still we don't have evidence of a TIVA relationship! Brennan and the writers won't let you get together, so I have led this band of TIVA Amazons to kick his ass into submission and get you and Tony together the way you should be!"
"Who is Brennan?"
"Don't play dumb with me, missy. I like you, but we're not putting up with this 'whose Brennan?' or 'what writers?' any more. We want the ambiguity to stop! And we want TIVA in bed humping like there's no tomorrow!"
Gibbs interrupted, "There's no convincing her, Ziva. Cuff her…and anyone else that tries to stop you. These people are all going to NCIS headquarters 'til we sort this out."
"Just sit down where you are," called ME. "We'll have a peaceful sit-in right here. If they want to move us they'll have to carry us."
The women all sat, murmuring among themselves, but ME remained standing knowing that the spurs would play hell with her backside if she tried to squat to the floor.
Ziva moved through the throng of women and put handcuffs on ME with the words, "I am sorry, Snippy, but I think you have gone too far this time. Gibbs is very angry. I will do what I can to calm him down, but you must be quiet and remain calm."
"Okay. Get him to let everyone else go. I'll go quietly – for now."
Gibbs didn't relish the idea of trying to move so many females to NCIS, so he was receptive to Ziva's idea of releasing all of them except the ringleader. "Go ahead. Move them all outta here, but have them leave the signs and placards. I don't want them showing up somewhere else later today."
"Bama, you help all these girls get back home. I'll take care of things here. And don't worry about bringing me a pound cake with a file in it. These guys aren't going to keep me locked up long."
"Okay, but if you go to jail, I'll bring you cigarettes!"
"Bama, I don't smoke, you know that!
"Yeah, but I've heard you can trade them for most anything. Maybe you can get the guards to bring Tony in to cheer you up." She smiled cheerily.
"Bama, I'm not going to jail. Just go on home and I'll contact you when I can."
"Snippy who were all those women? How did you get them here?"
"I told you before, Ziva, there are hundreds of TIVA fans out there. These are just the few who could get away quickly and drive or fly here right away. With a couple of weeks notice, I bet I could get a thousand to picket outside the Navy Yard."
"Who are they, do you know all of them?"
"There was Bamacrush of course, and then there was zatl, tonyandziva4ever, amber, mariah4568, ziva4tony, PT21, Britmum and JoMo. Oh, almost forgot Cricket Sings. There were others of course, but I don't remember them all."
"What kind of names are those?"
From the doorway Abby said, "They are fan fiction pseudonyms, Ziva. These are just a few of the ones where I can read about TIVA and pretend that you and Tony are really getting it on, like I know you want to."
"You must show me how to find this fan fiction, Abby." Ziva paused a moment, then said, "Abby, why are you here?"
"Palmer called me and told me something hinky was happening at Gibbses house so I rushed right over. I guess Ducky told Palmer to get ready just in case any of you needed first aid or something. I can't imagine anyone getting killed here and needing an autopsy – or a forensic scientist for that matter, but I go where I think I'm needed, and I think I'm needed here so here I am. Hi, Snippy. Do you need any help, Ziva?" Abby seemed to finally wind down when Ziva shook her head no.
McGee and DiNozzo were looking through the placards they had collected from the women exiting the house. Most were pretty stock stuff such as "WE WANT TIVA" or GIVE US BRENNAN" but there was one that caught McGee's attention. "Hey, look at this, Tony."
The sign was quite elaborate with ornamental scrollwork around the edges and said, "If you don't give us TIVA, I shall send wild, angry weasels to run amok in Brennan's garden. If that doesn't work, I shall attend personally with fiery torches and pitchforks."
"Wow…wild, angry weasels…not something I would look forward to. Whoever this Brennan guy is, he'd better watch out. This woman is creative – and mean." Tony continued, "I'm really glad this one's not after me. I do not need that kind of attention. Oh, wait! That one over there is the leader and she's been after me for months."
Ducky came walking into the room and when he spied ME, he walked directly to her saying, "Dear lady, I'm so glad you've come back to see us. I'm sorry I missed your last visit. What can I do to make you more comfortable?"
"Help me off with my pants."
"I beg your pardon?" Ducky was almost shocked into silence.
"I think better with no pants on, and I need to do some serious thinking to get out of this. Give a girl a break and help me off with my pants."
"Just never you mind, my dear. I'll have a talk with Jethro and get this sorted out to your satisfaction. Then you can come spend some time at my home and we'll get to know one other better." He turned away to spy Jethro headed toward the kitchen, presumably to make coffee. "Oh, Jethro, what are you plans for our mystery lady?"
"She's crazy, Duck. I was hoping you could get her committed for a few days observation."
"No need. I'll take her home with me and observe her myself. She can help me polish my observational skills."
"Her asking you to help her remove her pants have anything to do with that decision, Duck?"
"Oh, goodness me, no, Jethro. This will be strictly scientific." Ducky tried to conceal a slight smile.
The two men heard a commotion from the other room, then DiNozzo yelled, "Come back here, you crazy woman. Palmer, look what you've done now! What in hell were you thinking?"
Gibbs and Ducky rushed into the room to see Palmer standing facing Tony, McGee, Abby and Ziva. He held a pair of handcuffs in one hand and a key in the other.
"She said she needed to go to the bathroom and she needed her hands free to do that. I thought Ziva was watching her. I didn't mean to turn her loose."
"You're lying, Autopsy Gremlin. You're on her side. You're conspiring with her. I'll bet she's even staying at your apartment, isn't she?"
"No. Last I knew she was at Ziva's. I haven't seen her since then."
Gibbs said, "At Ziva's? When? What's going on?"
Ziva stepped forward and said, "She was at my apartment to help me and Abby and Jimmy play a little joke on Tony. It was harmless, Gibbs."
"It was not harmless! Palmer shaved my chest! I lost my chest hair virginity! It was traumatic and I'm not over it yet."
"Oh, quit whining, Tony. It didn't hurt you and you could have had some fun if you'd have just relaxed," Abby said with a big grin, remembering how she finished that night.
With blazing eyes Tony turned on Palmer again, "You stay away from the damned handcuffs, Jimmy. Oh…I forgot…it was you that released me. Thanks, I guess.
Gibbs cell phone rang. "Yeah, Gibbs."
A very familiar voice said, "This is not over, Gibbs. Tell all the powers that be that I will never give up on TIVA. Either get them in bed and loving one another or break them apart completely, but give us fans some relief. We need … watch that cop car, Bama."
A/N: To those FFN writers or reviewers whose pseudonyms I used in this piece, thank you again for your reviews and if I offended you in any way, I apologize. If anyone was not mentioned who wants to be in the future, all you have to do is let me know in a review. *nods*