Author's Note: I can honestly say there's a good chance this story has a higher swear-to-word ratio than anything I've ever produced. ::shrug::
Backordered? HAH! You think YOU got problems, Boggy? "Backordered" can scratch my skinny green ass with the wrong side of a lug wrench, my friend. "Backordered" can-
Huh? Yeah, yeah go ahead. Fucksakes, Boggy, close the door. Wait, leave it open a crack. Trust me, you're gonna wanna hear this.
Alright, so ya know that troll I told ya about? Yeah, I know ya ain't seen him. Trust me, ya don't wanna. But ya know that guy I'm talkin' about…
So, Mister Articulate was in here this mornin'. Early. When I say early, I'm talkin' about I been awake since about half past two. A giant cloak-and-tusks motherfucker is not the kind of thing a guy likes to wake up to. When I say this guy is all kinds of creepy… Yeah, yeah, yeah I know I already gave ya the rundown on this crazy bastard. And ya eat the shit up every single time, so ya wanna hear it or not? Yeah, that's what I thought, Bog, so less yappin' and more crappin', brother.
Now where was I? Ah, yeah. So I'm layin' in bed, asleep as can be when I hear this thump. Ya ever just get that funky feelin' that no matter what ya do shit is ugly, and so maybe ya just let yourself fall and don't wave your arms too much? Hey, listen to that, Bog. I'm a friggin' poet.
Anyway, I just lay there. Picture this, Bog. I'm layin' on my back, head on my pillow, gun under pillow, as per usual. I got my hands folded over my belly and this thump wakes me up and I kinda jump a little all over. Now, any other day I woulda just reached up calm as can be, brought out Mister Pistol and sprayed the room with adamantite before ya could say, "screws".
Haha! Did ya just say, "screws" in there? That's why I love ya, Bog. But, you get where I'm goin'. Alright, ya don't. So let me go there and then ya will…
I oughtta be shootin' up the friggin joint in my rainbow mechano-strider print jammie bottoms. Yeah, yeah, ya laugh it up every time, but the goblin bitches eat that stuff up, and I ain't talkin' figuratively. Get yerself some stupid pajama bottoms, Boggy. Ass will never be on backorder again, my friend. So's, I'm layin' there, there's a thud, and I just open my eyes. My hands stay folded right where they were. Saved my fuckin' life, Bog.
Ya know my bed's shoved right up by the window, cause I like ta look out it when I'm havin' my nightcap. So the moon is makin' a blue square on the bed and I'm in it like it's a friggin' spotlight. BOG shut the fuck UP! I'm fuckin' tellin' it the way it was or I ain't tellin' it at all, so shut the fuck up or I ain't gonna tell it! Ya wanna hear it? Ya do? You're sure? Then shut up… whew…. Thank you.
I look over and there's long, ugly and uglier. The first thing I think is that I'm glad I don't sleep in the buff. I actually reach down and grab the waist of my jammies just ta make sure I remembered ta put on pants. Nerves'll do shit like that to ya. Make ya think weird stuff. Heh. Huh? No, no. Nothin' like that, man. Bolts, Boggy, ya think I'd be doin' business with this guy if he- I mean c'mon! No. No… Crap, for all I know he probably fucks clefthooves out in Nagrand and then eats the friggin' things. No. Definitely, no. I'm just sayin' it popped in my mind is all… I was glad I had my pants on.
I know I probably already told ya this, but one of the things that really makes me twitch about this guy is how he doesn't move, sometimes. I mean, it's like he stops his blood from flowin'. And right now, he ain't movin'. He's just there. He's wearin' a cloak. Hood's back but I can't see his face too good, on account of the fact that he's standin' back in the shadows. He does that a lot.
I can see his tusks, though. Glowin' in the moonlight. Guy's got tusks ta put clefthooves and rhinos ta shame, Bog, and as big as the bastard is I still don't know how he holds his head up, let alone how he gets around all silent-like. Sometimes I think he might be some kinda ghost… Heh.
I'm makin' a drink. Ya want one? No, not in there, ya moron. I'll leave it ou- Ya know what, forget it. I'll make ya a drink later. Just, gimme a sec. There, alright. Now where was I? Oh, that's good. Needed that more than I thought. Lemme make that a triple. Where was I?
Oh. Tusks. Everything in that room was blue but those tusks were white. Maybe he is a ghost. Or some kinda demon. Except demons are noisy… So I see him starin' at me; well, starin' I assume, cause I can't see his eyes. If he's starin' he's waitin' for somethin', so I sit up, swing my legs over the side of the bed, and I look down.
"Job done," he says, just like that, all deep and growly.
I couldn't argue. Ya know the Skuzzwrench brothers? Shnnk. Well, if ya wanna say goodbye, I got their heads in a cooler out back. Some chick, too. Guess he was givin' me a tip. Gonna need ya ta go ahead and dispose of that later. Now don't get like that, Bog. You're my friggin' brother and ya oughtta do it on principal, pal. Not ta mention I pay ya good, don't I? Sheesh. Whaddaya want, blood? That a boy. Good man, Bog. That's why ya get the big bucks. Now let me finish. Time is money.
Now I ain't no mornin' person, but that's enough ta wake any guy up. And I mean the nine foot tall troll, not the friggin' heads bleedin' all over my brand-new frickin' genuine Darnassian carpet. "Thanks," I says. "Oh, and don't worry about the fuckin' carpet. Go ahead and shit on it while you're at it." He doesn't laugh and I honestly don't expect him tooAnd I don't give a shit because I'm awake and I ain't shocked no more, I'm just nervous and pissed.
I get up and we walk out here and I get behind my desk, just like I am now, only sans shirt and I still got my pajamas on. Well, I assume he's walkin' behind me, but he don't move when I get up from the bed and I can't just stand there all day. You ain't felt your skin crawl til ya walked with your back ta that guy. Oohoo-hoo-hoooo. I just got a shudder thinkin' about it.
So I sit down and I unlock the safe and I already got his gold counted out and bagged up. Twenty-five gold. He always wants his gold in fives. Huh? Oh, right I won't explain that all over. Yeah, weird right? So I pass him his twenty-five gold and he stares at it a while before he makes it disappear into that cloak of his. Least, I think he's starin' at the sack of gold. The only light's comin' through the two front windows and he's got his back ta both of them. Could be starin' at me, for all I know.
Sec, Bog. I need a refresher. Ooh, a cigar too. Crap, I can't find my Zippy. Ya got a light in th- Wait, nevermind. Got it.
Now where was I… Oh, yeah. So I'm sittin' there and he takes his gold… Oh! How the heck did I forget this part? The whole time he's sittin' there I swear he's like… How the frig do I explain this… It's like, alright. Ya ever seen someone standin' by water and the reflection of the sun is on their skin, movin' and crap? Well, he looks like that only it's more subtle. It's like he's got reflections on him but it's the windows behind him, Bog. And it's so subtle I ain't sure I'm even seein' it.
NO I wasn't doin' no fuckin' chemistry ya fuckin' JAMOOK! I HAD JUST WOKE UP! Listen, I ain't sayin' it was real or not real. Maybe this shit was a trick of the eye, but what I am tellin' ya is that I saw it. And in my gut, I think it was real. Fuck… I don't fuckin' know. Just shut up and let me finish. Ugh, crap. I'm startin' ta regret I even brought this shit uuuup…
Alright, alright. Yeah, yeah I know. Hold your stinkin' rockets, I'm tellin' it.
So he doesn't go and I know this means he wants another job. I mean, I don't understand what the hell makes this bastard tick and I don't wanna know and I will NEVER know, but after three years of workin' with this guy, I know when he's tryin' ta tell me somethin'. Long as he ain't usin' words.
I been kickin' around this idea for a while, see? I mean... He's good. He's great, actually. He's the friggin' tops. But the guy is just not worth it. He could be takin' care of every single list I got and then some, and he can be doin' it for free, but it ain't worth the nightmares I been havin' and it ain't worth the fact that half my chemistry is turnin' into bad trips with frickin' tusk monsters chasin' me without movin' their legs. Weird shit like that. I mean, c'mon Boggy it was a brand-new fuckin' Darnassian woven rug. You know how long I had ta wait for that fucker ta ship?
So anyway, I been sittin' on this thing for a while. Ya know them Slick'Jin guys out in Tanaris. Yeah. That troll and goblin have been a thorn in my side for… Well, anyway, I sent him after Slick'Jin. No, no. You ain't gettin' me. I sent him after Slick'Jin Ltd… All of them.
Of course, not. I ain't lookin' ta get a whole buncha my guys killed, Boggy. Besides, I ain't stupid enough to send somethin' traceable. Tuskhead ain't got no ties with me and I ain't got no ties with him. Just him, I sent. Just him.
Yeah, I know that he'd have ta be an idiot, Bog. But that's the beauty thing. He IS one. Huh? No, no, no. Yeah, he's slippery as hell. He's a real fuckin' killer. But believe me when I tell ya he is a moron. Didn't I tell ya why I stopped lettin' him be my paper boy? Oh, this you're gonna love.
I send shithead ta do a little interceptin' out in Ratchet. Some books get passed between Grom'gol and Booty Bay and word gets back ta me. Way I see it, this is some shit that don't need ta be hittin' the archives over there in Silvermoon. Easy job, right? So I send the troll out ta fetch the pulp. I mean five friggin' gold for a forty copper job. He don't take any other number and he don't take any other color. Shit, I was feelin' generous, and yeah I was doin' a little chemistry that day. And he just happened to show up, so screw it.
Ya know what that dummy brings back ta me? Schematics. Yeah, ya heard right, man! Schematics! He brings me five of them. Big surprise. Wait, wait. This is great. Now I got, in my hands, plans ta build a friggin' gnomish teakettle, a mechanical squirrel, a freakin' music box, a stinkin' rocket car and uh… Oh yeah, yeah! A freakin' hahaha… a fuckin' industrial powered radio-control vibratin' mothafuckin' dildo! Ahahahhaah-OHSHIT!
No I'm fine. I'm fine. I just dropped my cigar.
So I'm crackin' up, I mean not only is this a helluva joke, but the guy who pulls it is the exact opposite of what you'd call good-humored. And then I happen ta look up at him. And he ain't jokin'.
"Fyve," I says, "Fyve. What is this? This ain't the thing I asked ya for." And he just stands there all quiet-like, hunched over and arms hangin' down. He ain't wearin' that creepy cloak, see? It's broad daylight and hot as stugots out and he's got on friggin' suspenders and a button down shirt. And if that don't say idiot, then this sure as hell does: He looks at the schematics in my hand and he looks at me and he goes, "I poke my readin' eye." Just like that, Boggy. I swear on our mother's grave.
Well, as stupid as this bastard is, I realize I just laughed at his giant, illiterate ass and that's a big no-no. It's hard ta take a guy serious when he's dressed like a retarded lumberjack and talkin' about his readin' eye in that idiot voice of his, but I seen him in the dark and I know what this guy is capable of. I seen his results.
Plus, I feel sorry for the shmuck. Like I said, chemistry, baby. I was on a real bender. I mean I was oiled and crankin', Bog. I just got into that wacky pentawhatsit stinky-Silithid shit. They actually isolate the cyani- Eh, nevermind that. Anyway, I cut that shit out. Makes ya grow tits. Trollweed and tauren peacepipe be workin' fiiine fer me, mon, haha! And a little of that good old-fashioned goblin white from time ta time. By the way, bro, if ya ever get outta the crapper I'm movin' some great sprite wing shit. Can spare a sample or two. Just drinks for me, though. I'm still all keyed up.
Long story short, so's I can get back ta the real story; I paid his dumb ass and never sent him for paper again. The point is illustrated, though. He's a moron. Just like an animal, Bog. A hellboar may gore your ass, but at the end of the day it's just bacon, Baby. It's just a stupid, stinkin' pig. So I shook a bone in the dumb bastard's face, tossed it at Slick'Jin and now that animal is out there mezza morta for all I know and hopefully he's buried up to his fucking three foot tusks in Slick'Jin green and blue and gallons of red, right?
So this thing of ours is good and getting; even better. That thing of theirs' is messed up and I would shit on my Darnassian rug ta be a fly on the wall over at Slick'Jin Ltd, right about now, Boggy. That, brother of mine, is what I call two birds with one bomb. Three, if ya count the fact that my dreams are gonna be a helluva lot sweeter from here on in.
It's a waste. I know. I mean, I mighta tried ta squeeze a few more jobs outta facia bruta. I got a shipment goin' through Stranglethorn never showed up, but that ain't really the kinda job I woulda used him for anyway. Need ya ta go ahead and call in Spindle or one of them guys for that one. I'm takin' a couple a days, I think. I earned it.
Hmm… Course there's that thing in Gadgetzan with them guys and I'm still tryin' ta get a bigger taste from them Fizzleclaws. Oh, and that one thing with that one guy… Damn and that other thing with that other guy. Oh, and I got a mile-long list of vig I need collected. I'm talkin' post haste, Boggy. These shitheads are overdue. I let it ride cause it's all chump change, but it's the principle of the thing.
Screw it. It's over with. I'm glad it's over with. He was useful, but he was batshit and unpredictable. He couldn't be controlled; had no respect. I didn't dump a commodity; I put down a friggin' animal before it could turn around and bite me. And if I lost a little gold in the process? Screw it.
But ya know what? I ain't losin' no gold.
Know why? I'll tell ya. Because if he killed either one of them Slick'Jin boys, this thing we got is about ta be in the sky, Baby. I mean in the friggin' sky! And I know he did. I know he did it, Boggy. Big guy didn't take down no thousand-plus assorted goblins and trolls in the middle of a conference. Can ya believe that crap? I mean a CONference. Cocky bastards were askin' for it, Bog. I mean beggin' for it. So I gave it ta them.
How the hell did I get a stain on the fuckin' ceiling? Heh.
Oh, before I forget, Bog. My rug's still all covered in Skuzzwrench-and-friend juice. What was the name of that cleaning service last time? The Guy out in… Shit I just had it… Gazril somethin-er-other. Gazril? Gazril…Blastwright… Grimegear! G.A.S.I. Yeah!
Those guys did a real bang-up job when we had that little mess after that one thing with them guys. So how long do ya think it would take ta get in touch with G.A.S.I? Get this shit cleaned up…
It's not a frickin' rhetorical question.
I need ya ta get in touch with G.A.S.I. and get that fuckin' maid service out here. Do it before ya dispose of the fuckin' heads out back. Even better, let them take care of it.
Bomgus Fusedash, hel-fucking-lo! What the fuck did you fall the fuck in?
Fuckin' idiot I swear ta shit if ma hadn't p-
…Shit. H-hi. I uh. I take it ya finished the job, heh. That's why ya get the big bucks.
I… I have your uh. Your gold. Was just headed back to my office. Let's uh. Well, let's go get ya that gold, Pal. After a-all. Time is money…
So, you uh. I take it ya didn't have any… any problems?
… Want a drink?
Not in a talkin' mood, I see. Heh. Heheh. Nothin' wrong with that. Lemme just… Heh. Safe is stuck. Oop! Heheh. There it is. Um. Let's just uh. Let's just count it out now…
There it is. All counted out…
It… It's all there, Fyve. Ready ta go. Um. I uh. Don't have any more jobs right now but, I'll uh keep. Ngh. Pardon, heh. Little agita. Musta ate somethin' funny heheh. I'll keep ya in mind soon as somethin' pops up.
Take it, Fyve. It ain't gonna bite y-
What? N-no. Animal? No, no! Fyve, Fyve, my friend, I would never say that! Ya got it all wrong, Fyve. I uh. It was just a joke, see? I… I got a shitty sense of humor sometimes, is all. It was admittedly in poor taste. It's been a stressful week, Fyve. I got this thing with this guy, got all fucked up. Shipment missin' out in… Hey ya wanna do a job out in Stranglethorn? Easy money, Fyve! Huh? Sound good? Easy money!
W-whatcha got there, Fyve? Oh, nice a h-
Oh no. Nonono. Please Bomgus please please oh fuck no. I'm fuckin' dreamin'. Boggy oh fuck I'm sorry Boggy…
You motherfucker. YOU SONOFABITCH! I'm gonna bite outcher fuckin' lungs! BOGGY! Boggy… YOU FUCKIN KILLED MY LITTLE FUCKIN BROTHER!
Va fa danightmare Fyve! VA FA HELL! YA FUCKIN' ANIMA-GLLLLGHK!
This story is dedicated to Ornak. Because he is the most viciously obsessed goblin fanatic I have ever met. YOU CAN NOT COMPETE WITH ORNAK! He is also the super awesome guy.
Gazril Blastwright is NOT my character and G.A.S.I is not my guild, but will be appearing on Moon Guard realm after Cataclysm comes out. Character mentioned with express permission of creator. :D