Ed Almighty

Chapter 1

Burger Record

In the beginning, everything was black, and we hear voices. The first voice was a male, and the second voice was a female.

"Pearl, can we recap?"

"You remember the Krusty Krab, where they're vowing to make the record of cooking the highest number of Krabby Patties, and you have to wear this."

"A hair net?"

"Health department."

"You're kidding me."

"You're working around here; you got to have it on. It's the law."

"But I just did the hair. The hair's perfect as perfect can be. All right, give it to me."

The screen shows inside the Krusty Krab, and a 27-year old teenager with yellow skin and a unibrow popped from below. He also wears a striped shirt in a green jacket. Not to mention blue jeans. He is Edward "Ed" Nolan, a news reporter. Did I mention that he's wearing a hair net he has to wear?

"God," Ed said as he looked up, "why do you hate me?"

"We're rolling," the cameraman said. "And speed."

"For a year after a decade," Ed said, "the Krusty Krab has been a popular place in Cartoonsville, known for a mouthwatering burger known as a Krabby Patty, and a 24-hour shift that got cancelled due to demands. But today, in honor of their 11th anniversary, they invited us to ride along as they go for the record of cooking the highest number of Krabby Patties."

At the counter, a grumpy squid named Squidward was looking at his face in the mirror until Ed asked, "Excuse me, Squidward, but do you need makeup or something? Can we give Squidward some makeup?" A whale named Pearl, who had talked to Ed at the beginning, giggled at him, thinking it's a joke. He stretched the hair net until he let it go for it to hit his head with a smack. "It's a good thing I'm wearing this today. Otherwise, some of the stray hairs will fall on the paint." He looked at Pearl and asked, "Can we do this again?"

"No," Pearl said, "but we can cut a B roll."

"Moving on!" Ed chirped.

Later, Ed was at the counter by Squidward and SpongeBob, a sponge who wears pants. "So tell me, SpongeBob," he said. "Why cook many Krabby Patties to set a record?"

"Well," SpongeBob said, "Mr. Krabs actually came up with the idea just before he called me to his office. He told me everything, and I said, 'What? Cook many Krabby Patties to set a record?' and Mr. Krabs said yes. So just a day after the conversation, I got prepared to cook many Krabby Patties to set the highest record for the Krusty Krab."

"Well, I admire your candor," Ed said. "Let's try that again, shall we?"

On the second roll, Ed repeated the question. "So tell me, SpongeBob. Why cook many Krabby Patties to set a record?"

"So the customers will go crazy?" SpongeBob asked.

"Possible," Ed smiled. "I'd imagine that everyone who loved the Krusty Krab will go crazy as crazy can be."

"Speaking of crazy," Squidward said, "you're such a barnacle for asking me about needing makeup."

Annoyed at Squidward's little insult, Ed threw the microphone on the counter and walked away.

Outside the Krusty Krab, everyone was taking pictures of a pile of Krabby Patties in boxes sent by a wagon, and Patrick Star, SpongeBob's friend, was pulling on the wagon with the help of Sandy Cheeks, who's keeping the boxes from falling.

Ed approached the boxes of Krabby Patties and said, "The previous record was 251 burgers cooked by Homer's Burger Wagon. If the highest number of Krabby Patties beats Homer's, it will prove once and for all that the Krusty Krab makes more burgers than Homer's." Mr. Krabs, owner of the Krusty Krab, handed the paper to him. "And the number of Krabby Patties is…627! We have a new record!" Everyone cheered. "Cue the celebrating music!"

As the music played in celebration, people raced toward the Krabby Patties and ate them. They even get drinks from the coolers.

About a while later, the wagon was down to 30 Krabby Patties, and Ed spoke to the news just as everyone left the scene.

"But what are we really looking at here? Is it just the highest number of Krabby Patties, or do the Krabby Patties represent the greatest taste from the popular Krusty Krab? Well, for one thing, the Krusty Krab broke the record of Homer's Burger Wagon, but Homer's Burger Wagon was still in business despite having a broken record. And that is the incredible story about the burger record that can make Cartoonsville a cool place to live in. And that's the way the burger cooks on the grill. I'm Edward Nolan, Toonwitness News."

"And cut it," the cameraman said.

Inside Ed's house, the news had been recorded on tape. Speaking of this, Ed paused the video at the part where he on the screen puckered his lower lip while looking up just as his 25-year old girlfriend, Anne Marie, giggled.

"What do you think?" Ed asked tiredly.

"I think it's very clever," Anne Marie smiled.

"It sucks. It's a story about the burgers. Ronald McDonald will be riveted."

Anne Marie sighed as Ed stood up and walked away to the table. "Ed, it's so funny, it made me laugh," she said. "There's nothing wrong with making people laugh."

"It's not that I hate making people laugh. It's just that I won't ever be an anchorman. Not with this. The job's right there, but I can't reach it, because every time they make me do this kind of stuff, I have to act like a total goof in order to make it work. I have no credibility. Not good. Not good!" He spoke "Not good" twice in a southern accent with a lower lip puckered.

"You know what? You're just talking silly like you do with that puckered lip."

"You know what? Forget it. It's not important. Right? It's not important. Let's watch it one more time."

"Ah, no."

"Just once more."

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Pretty please?"

"No! Ed, you promised you would help with this photo album." Ed growled at her. "Now you get your goofy butt right here." Ed whined at her with a bottom lip puckered. "Mm-mm." Ed sat on the couch with a frown. "Okay." She giggled at the photo she was holding. "Okay, now you just go through the stack and pick out your favorites. Isn't that fun? I just love it."

Ed frowned at one picture and said, "Chris's gonna get that anchor job. I just knew it."

"Argh, Ed!" Anne Marie groaned.

"He's the favorite!"

"All right, you know what? Let's just forget it." She took the photos from Ed's hands and placed them in the box. "Honestly, you always think about Chris and won't shut up about him like last time."

Ed saw the photo of him and Anne Marie at the lake with bathing suits on and picked it up when he said, "Whoa, hold the phone! I love this one. Our weekend at the lake."

"How'd you get that?" Anne Marie asked. "It's supposed to be in our private stash."

"You look perky, girl. Must've been cold."

"All right, just give it to me." She reached to grab the photo, but Ed held it away.

"I think I'll put this on my computer and use it as wallpaper."

"Ed, give it to me now!"

"Nope."

"All right, fine. Do with it what you will. I don't care."

"I will do with it what I will," Ed said as Anne Marie walked to her room. He walked to the TV and continued, "You know, I might even send this into Playboy. I heard their layouts can be quite tasty."

"Give it to me right now!" Anne Marie said as she charged toward Ed and knocked him down.

"Goodness! Ouch, rough stuff!" Ed said as Anne Marie yanked the photo off his hands. "I'm gonna get you!" He pulled her back down to grab the photo. He grabbed the photo and chirped, "I win!"