The DHARMA Initiative
CHARLIE: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
NAMASTE! You are now the proud owner of a CHARLIE unit! In order to achieve full use of your unit the reading of this manual is essential. You don't want to find a Virgin Mary statue full of illegal drugs in your room, do you? Maybe?
You should also feel pleased to know that the proceeds from your purchase are used toward the goals of the DHARMA Initiative, which is an establishment seeking the betterment of mankind, advancement of world peace and employing mind control to discover the secrets of those secretive Hostiles.
Your CHARLIE unit should arrive fully assembled and in upright conditions. Please check that you have all his accessories (see list below).
Full Name: Charlie Hieronymus Pace
AKA: Chuck, Chucky, Death Magnet, The Artist Formerly Known as Driveshaft, etc
Porn Name: You Are In His Body
Manufacturer: DHARMA Initiative, Inc.
Date of Production: Classified
Age: Middle 30s
Height: He'staller than the average hobbit!
Weight: Not accurately known. Island diet may fluctuate.
Your CHARLIE unit comes with the following accessories. Please check off to make sure you have all the necessary items:
One STANDARD ISLAND WARDROBE (t-shirts, stalker hoodies, faded jeans, etc.)
One VIRGIN MARY STATUETTE (no heroin included)
One EMPTY JAR OF PEANUT BUTTER
One STRIPPED SHIRT
One PAIR OF CHECKER PATTERNED SHOES
One COPY OF YOU ALL EVERYBODY CD
One FAMILY HEIRLOOM RING (do not hock for cash)
One BASS GUITAR WITH GUITAR CASE
Replacement and additional items must be purchased through our website. We gladly accept credit, debit and checking account as payment. We also ship worldwide. Even to the Island. However, we cannot guarantee the shipping time to orders to the Island. It may arrive past, present or future.
Your CHARLIE unit will arrive at your home in an unconscious state. PLEASE follow the correct procedure of activation or your CHARLIE unit will not function properly. Failure to follow instructions may have negative results. Worst case scenario: He ends up on the streets singing Wonderwall for spare change?
(1). Remove him from his box (following the unwrapping instructions on box).
(2). Lay your unit flat on the floor.
(3). Play the "You All Everybody" CD. Do not use any other CD! Put your Justin Bieber cds away please.
(4). Your unit should awake and start humming along. Do not join him. You probably sing off key anyway.
(5). After a few seconds, please hand your unit his guitar.
(6). He will start to play for about a minute and the look around. He will say: "Guys, where are we?"
(7). You will answer "Home" and introduce yourself.
Upon successful activation, your CHARLIE unit will start jamming on his guitar. All you have to do is sit back and enjoy the impromptu concert. If you do not criticize his performance then everything will be smooth sailing from here.
MODES OF OPERATION
MUSICIAN: Your CHARLIE unit is a skilled bass guitarist, songwriter and a singer. He will always be humming and strumming. This will be a blessing and a curse. Your unit will strive to reclaim his former glory days of being a ROCK STAR. It is wise to encourage his passion but also to properly set expectations of success. If his hopes are too high, it will lead to depression and possibly illegal substance abuse if you are not attentive. Otherwise, he will be happy doing the craft he loves and you will gain an appreciation for the musical arts.
WARNING! If you do not want your life to become fodder for his songs then you must warn your unit early. You don't want him singing about your crush on your boss on a Youtube video.
ACTIVATED UPON CERTAIN CONDITIONS
LOVER: Your CHARLIE unit is a passionate lover due to his addictive nature. You could be cleaning the kitchen and he will surprise you from behind for some dirty countertop lovemaking. Please make sure you lay down RESTRICTIONS or your family and relatives may be in for some very unsettling images of you in positions never thought possible.
It does not require too much effort in engaging a relationship with your unit. He will be a very fun loving and supportive mate. However, his issues of SELF DOUBT may lead him to bouts of jealousy, possessiveness and suspicion. Try to keep the lines of communication open and provide REASSURANCE to your unit to offset those issues from happening. If he suffers a major breakdown, it may lead to illegal substance abuse. That is bad.
PIANO TEACHER: In addition to his guitar skills, your CHARLIE unit can also play piano and provide lessons. This is a great way to bring more income into your household so you can stop working overtime and committing small felonies.
HOBBIT: Our research team consists of many Lord of the Rings fans. They employed blackmail against their superiors to get this feature added to the CHARLIE unit. All you have to do is show your unit the entire LOTR trilogy and he will shrink to hobbit size. Be careful not to lose him once this mode is activated. Hobbits can really move on those hairy feet.
CLEANING AND GENERAL CARE
Your CHARLIE unit requires little effort to keep it in good condition. To keep him happy, healthy and clean please perform the following on a daily basis:
1) Daily Grooming: Charlie likes taking showers or baths. He especially enjoys being scrubbed all over and having his hair washed.
2) Food: Your unit is a horrible cook. Do not let him boil anything but water. Homes lost in a fire will not be our responsibility. Please note that we will employ a BEN unit in our defense if you try to sue. And we will win.
3) Exercise: Charlie's word for Wii tennis.
4) Hair: Your unit will never fuss much about his hair. Just a bit of gel and a good brush will do fine.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: My Charlie unit refuses to play my favorite "Fill In The Blank" pop song? What can I do?
A: Get a karaoke machine and get him drunk enough so he'll sing anything.
Q: How do I replace Charlie's guitar? Is there a warranty?
A: Nope. You better start saving up for a new one. Or use SAWYER unit to con someone else out of a guitar.
Q: Can I really imagine peanut butter in the empty jar?
A: Do you live in Fantasia and ride a luck dragon? If not, the answer is no. And if you do start seeing peanut butter, then we recommend a psychiatrist.
Q: Can I take CHARLIE unit to school with me?
A: If it's ok with your teacher, then of course! I'm sure your fellow students will benefit from life lessons of a former rock star. They can learn in graphic detail how best to wipe the late night party vomit off a guitar.
Q: My CHARLIE unit has attracted groupies! What can I do to get rid of them?
A: Well, you can have BEN or SAYID unit dispose of them. If you fear the legal consequences of using them then employ a MILES unit. He will scare them off with blackmail gotten from their dead loved ones.
Q: Okay, I have activated the Hobbit mode. Do you know the way to Middle Earth?
A: Sure, do! Second star to the right and straight on till morning! Oh, wait. That's Neverland…
For questions or concerns not addressed in this guide, please feel free to contact us at our website or mailing address:
PO BOX 4815
NOT IN PORTLAND, OR 62342
Thanks for reading! I meant to post this yesterday but I had trouble with my internet due to bad weather. Comments are welcome!
Also, my next guide will be John Locke.
Disclaimer: I did not come up with the owner guide/manual idea. That credit goes to an author by the name of Theresa Green, who's idea lead to the creation of owner guides in other categories. And of course, I do not own LOST.