A/N: This was originally intended to be a submission for the I Write The Songs contest, but I couldn't finish it in time. You can thank (or blame) blueiris and scribeninja for pushing me to finish this one. My revenge on them was to get this song firmly lodged in their noggins. The song this is based on is "Skullcrusher Mountain" by Jonathan Coulton. If you have no idea who he is, go straight to YouTube and look him up ASAP. The man is utterly brill, and I want to lick his brain. For hours. Maybe weeks.
Oh, and because I was in a very silly mood last night, I even made a banner for this story: twitpic 35iuq7
"What's this, Scarface? Did you bring me more pretty things?"
My hideously scarred minion dropped a large burlap sack onto a nearby laboratory table. It was knotted at one end. The bag was large enough for a relatively small human, provided they were curled into a fetal position. That was a popular pose with many of my guests. Scarface had little to no dexterity in his hands, mostly because I'd had to replace several of his fingers numerous times. I was amazed that he'd been able to knot the end of the sack at all. I grabbed a nearby scalpel and sliced through the thick bag. This should be interesting.
This was a very pretty thing, indeed. She was curled into a tight little ball, and still unconscious from the looks of it. Scarface had really outdone himself this time. She was curvy in all the right places, and had long blonde hair. Too impatient to wait, I pried open one of her eyelids with my thumb and admired her sweet blue eyes. They'd look better when they weren't bloodshot, but that would clear up once the chloroform was out of her system.
It was too soon to really tell, but I had a sneaking suspicion that this one wouldn't even require any after-market upgrades. That was a very good thing, indeed: I was running out of extra toes. The last pretty thing hadn't taken too well to my tinkering. After a time, I'd had to accidentally-on-purpose lower her into a vat of hydrochloric acid. They were just so hard to keep around: the voices in my head rarely approved.
"Does she have a name?" I asked my wretched friend.
"Arr mmprgh grrargle blarf shmooky," was the gargled response.
"Good, good. Lovely name, that. So unusual." I clapped my hands before rubbing them together. For about an hour, I stood there and stroked her hair while contemplating the plans I had for her. Scarface had fallen asleep standing up, but woke with a start when I flicked my fingers against his forehead.
"Take her down to a room in the dungeon, one of the ones without a snake pit. And be sure to put her on the bed this time." My cleaning crew had so much trouble with the stains from the last one.
Scarface rolled his eyes and hoisted the limp woman over his shoulder before carting her off.
I eagerly awaited the awakening of my new toy. After making sure that my wolves were well fed from the scraps of my latest experiment, I spent most of the night in her room watching my new guest sleep. It wasn't a quiet night, given that I had a few arguments with the voices in my head: Steve and Peaches.
Steve was a fairly pleasant voice, and often reminded me of the simpler things I tended to forget: eating my veggies, wearing my protective goggles at all times, and taking the time to appreciate a good maniacal cackle. He liked to talk in a high-pitched squeal-grunt that resembled the sound of a freshly birthed goat. Peaches, on the other hand, was a deep rumbling baritone voice; she was the one who frequently disapproved of my pretties. She may have jealousy issues, but at least she was creative. Most of my ideas about hacksaws came from Peaches.
When my new girlfriend was showing signs of waking, the internal conversation changed.
You should get her some flour, Steve advised me. Chicks dig flour.
Flowers, you assmonkey, Peaches warbled. Chickens like flowers.
Chicks, not chickens. Steve was such a priss.
"No, no. Those are all brilliant ideas! Each and every one of them." Giving her a monster of her very own was a brilliant idea. After all, I had so many. I didn't want her to feel left out. There would be nothing to remedy her feelings of inferiority: I was simply too smart for her. But having her own little monster friend might make her feel more at home.
With a groan, she finally woke up. Her eyes shot open and she screamed. I smiled. She had such a sweet screech. This was a very promising beginning. I decided to greet her in kind.
"Welcome!" I shouted. She jumped at the sound of my voice and shrieked as she backed away from me. Even her yelping was music to my ears; it was so melodic, so tormented.
"Wh-who are you? Where am I? What am I doing here?"
"I am Eric Northman, and you are in my secret lair on Skullcrusher Mountain. I can't wait to give you a full tour." I was so proud of all of my inventions.
"Oh my GOD, some hideous monster kidnapped me and brought me here! Please, you have to let me go!"
"Monster? No, that's my assistant, Scarface. He's a sweetheart, and harmless enough; just don't get too close to his teeth. He tends to forget they're there. But aside from that, he's quite nice."
"Nice? He drugged and kidnapped me!"
I scoffed at that. Of course he was nice: he called me Master. Well, it came out more like mmfrgle or mrshdar, but we both knew what he meant by it. The point is, he tried.
"Let's not argue, my darling," I said. "We have so much to do, and there's so little time."
"Time for what?" Oh, that panicked look would simply not do. Even though the whites of her eyes were really quite magnificent, she was far too pretty for the terrified look she was sporting.
"We can discuss that later, but you probably won't understand. It's okay, no one ever really does."
I held out my hand for her, and she refused to take it.
"Come on, Sookie."
"No," I shook my head. "We've already covered this. I'm Eric. You're Sookie." Maybe Scarface had overdone it with the chloroform.
"My name isn't Sookie, it's…"
I interrupted her. "Scarface told me your name was Shmooky, and I know how his mouth works. After all, I made it. He wouldn't lie to me; he's not intelligent enough. So your name is Sookie." It was perfectly rational. I couldn't believe I had to explain this to her. This one must be really stupid. That was okay; she was cute enough to not need brains. I could always give her new ones, but that was such a finicky operation.
This one is going to be too much trouble, Peaches rumbled. She'll fuss and holler and she's already showing signs of being petulant. Kill her.
No, not yet, Steve argued, she just needs time to adjust.
I still think you should kill her. Peaches could be stubborn about these things.
I shook my head and rubbed my forehead. "Enough. There will be no killing. Not yet, anyway."
Sookie gave me a curious look. "Who are you talking to?"
"Whom. And I'm talking to Peaches and Steve. Who else?"
It was so sweet of her to think of screaming for me again, even if the effect was rather ruined when she lost consciousness. Already, I was falling for her. She was perfect.
. oOo . oOo . oOo . oOo .
It took me a solid week to get Sookie to come out of her room. Oh, she tried to get out when I wasn't around, which was just plain rude. Since she wasn't being cooperative, I figured it was as good a time as any to work on her own special monster. I wasn't above using bribery to bring her to her senses.
In between screaming fits, I managed to get it out of her that she liked monkeys and ponies. There weren't many monkeys around this part of the world, but I was able to special-order some from the Evil Genius Catalogue. They offered next-day delivery, so the monkeys were still fresh when they arrived. My henchmen were able to acquire some ponies locally; I never asked them for details. It's not like they could speak well enough to answer me, in any case.
I had to go through three ponies and five monkeys, but finally my love's special monster was all ready for her. Sookie seemed excited about going outside to meet her new friend. She even struggled to get free of Scarface when we were out by the stables, she was that eager to see it.
But when she saw what I had made for her, I got the feeling she didn't like it.
"What's with all the screaming?" I asked. "You like monkeys, you like ponies..."
I failed to see the problem, but I took a step back to regard the creature. Did I use too many monkeys? With a few quick and creative applications of my favorite machete, I removed some of the monkey parts.
"Is that any better, sweetie?" I looked at her to gauge her reaction.
I sighed. As much as I did enjoy her screaming, I was hoping for more variation on her part. She was so picky. Honestly. Does she know how many ponies I ruined to make this gift for her? Shouldn't that be enough to please her?
Maybe she just didn't like monsters? Bah. That was utter nonsense. Everyone likes monsters; everyone who's sane, anyway.
. oOo . oOo . oOo . oOo .
It was another week before I was able to get Sookie out of her latest catatonic state. This one started when I'd tried making her another monster, this time one she could keep in her room. It was a squid-pig hybrid that I'd been tinkering with. The joy of seeing my wonderful creature had been too much for her delicate system, and she'd swooned.
When she finally came to, I took the opportunity to show her my latest invention. As always, she seemed less than impressed. At least she seemed to handle the mechanical creations better than the genetic ones.
"You made a yellow submarine?" she asked with a smirk on her face.
"It's golden, not yellow. And why is that so funny?" This was the invention that would keep us safe while my Doomsday squad was igniting the planet's atmosphere. It was not something to be taken lightly. It was to be my crowning achievement, my moment of glory. It would mean so much more to me if she was there to share it with me.
All of the fools living on this silly little marble of a planet would find it to be a rather enlightening experience. For a few seconds, anyway. It wouldn't take long for them to be obliterated. I couldn't bear the thought of Sookie being amongst them. She belonged with me. I couldn't imagine her not being there with me when I brought the world to its knees.
. oOo . oOo . oOo . oOo .
Another night in my laboratory, another night with a petulant Sookie. Strangely enough, Peaches and Steve kept telling me I shouldn't kill her yet. That only cemented my belief that she was the one for me. None of my other pretty things had lasted this long.
Sookie was just about to go into another rant about how she missed her family and wanted to see them when I interrupted her. She'd been sulky and cranky all day, and it was distracting me from my latest invention. This one was supposed to allow me to harness the sun's energy and turn it into winged scorpions, but so far, it had only given me a negative reaction to sunlight. I was almost at my wit's end.
"Look, I've been patient with you. Gracious, even." Would it kill her to be civil?
"Gracious?" Sookie screeched. "You had me kidnapped and you're holding me against my will! How is that gracious?"
As if to highlight what I was trying to get across to her, I heard my wolves howling outside. They were hungry, I could tell; I would make sure to give them some extra food for being so thoughtful as to help me make my point in this conversation.
"This mountain is covered with hungry wolves. Maybe you should just sit down and have a drink," I offered, trying to show her how hospitable I was being; after all, it wasn't like I was feeding her to my pets. Perhaps a nice bubbling brew would soothe her nerves and help her think more clearly about the two of us.
It was clear that I was too smart for her, a problem with which I was all too familiar. Even my henchmen thought I was crazy, so I wasn't too surprised that she harbored the same opinion. But even so, the voices in my head were telling me that I shouldn't kill her yet.
I should have been suspicious when Sookie calmed down and actually did as I asked. She fixed herself a drink and sat down to watch me work. Having her near me was comforting.
"Those wolves sound hungry," she said, stating the obvious. We'd already covered that. I merely nodded.
A few minutes passed in silence before Sookie spoke up again. "Maybe we should go out and feed them."
She was suggesting that we do something together? My black heart throbbed at the thought that she was finally warming up to me. I eagerly dropped what I was working on and grabbed her hand. I could have danced my way to the stables, for all I was aware. Even Scarface looked shocked to see Sookie still holding my hand as we walked outside.
When we got to the stables, Scarface positioned himself in front of the door; it was purely out of habit, given that I'd taken to having him block any exits that Sookie might try to investigate. There were too many places in my secret lair where she could get into trouble. I'd gotten rather fond of her figure, and didn't want to have to replace any of it with the spare parts I had on hand; none of them were good enough for her.
Instead of guarding the door, I had Scarface bring a wheelbarrow full of failed experiments for the wolves to feast on. We would have to walk a fair bit around the mountain in order to feed my howly children. Imagine my delight when Sookie suggested that we bring her monkey-pony monster! She wanted to spend time with the monster I had created especially for her. I was putty in her five-fingered hands. Maybe I would give her some extra fingers for her birthday.
Each time the wheelbarrow ran out, Sookie gave me a sad look and asked if we couldn't have Scarface go back for more parts. Of course, I indulged her. There were plenty of things I could be working on, but the submarine could wait another day; I was still ahead of schedule.
I had been so thoroughly enjoying my time with Sookie; she hadn't screamed once, which I had mixed feelings about. Her dulcet tones were one of my favorite things to hear when I woke up.
My indulgence of her proved to be my undoing.
She kept me outside, leading us farther and farther from my secret lair. I thought nothing of this until I realized that the sun was coming up. This wouldn't normally be a problem, but I hadn't yet come up with an antidote for my little problem with sunlight.
Little problem might be something of an understatement. When the first rays of the rising sun hit me, my skin started to blister. It was my turn to scream. Scarface hadn't yet returned with his wheelbarrow. I cowered behind a boulder and told Sookie to give me her cloak.
With a slow, evil smile that made me love her all the more, she hopped onto the back of her monkey-pony monster and rode off towards the rising sun.
It wasn't until Scarface returned that I realized Sookie had gone the wrong way. The poor thing had gotten herself lost. No matter. I would find her, and I would bring her home, back to our secret lair on Skullcrusher Mountain.
Disclaimer: Eric and Sookie belong to Charlaine Harris, not me. Skullcrusher Mountain and all of its non-CH inhabitants belong to Jonathan Coulton. Sadly, I don't even own a monkey-pony monster. At least I have Peaches and Steve to keep me company.