"How did that old saying go, Jim? 'I don't think were in Kansas anymore'?"
"Uh…yea, Bones." Kirk was kind of distracted. A cutlass was inches away from his eyes, and the grungy man behind it looked like he had an itchy…well, cutlass finger.
"Doctor, that is illogical. We were not in Kansas in the first place."
"It's a saying, Spock! Jesus."
"Oi, quiet, all of you! Especially you," the leader of this group of vagabonds stepped forward and addressed Spock. "You're really starting to get on my nerves."
Bones leaned into Kirk. "And I thought I wasn't gunna like him."
"So, gentlemen, a question remains: Who are you? Or rather," the leader noticed Spock's ears, "what are you?"
Kirk cleared his throat and the cutlass inched closer. "I—uh, could he lower this thing?"
The cutlass remained where it was. "I'm Captain James T. Kirk of the U.S.S. Enterprise. This is my First Officer Mr. Spock, and my Chief Medical Officer Doctor McCoy. We come in peace. We actually don't know how we got here, we we're supposed to be beaming down to Cappa-3…but," he laughed dryly, "this certainly isn't Cappa-3. Who are you?"
"Well, well, well, another Captain! Certainly you must have heard of me then." Kirk just stared at this dirty, ragged man, who in turn stared back at him incredulously. "I, of course, am Captain Jack Sparrow of the Black Pearl. And this is my First Mate Mr. Gibbs and…well, we don't have a ship's surgeon, but I suppose we could always use your McCoy for that."
"Wha-wait, hold on, you're not using me for anything!"
Sparrow moved extra close to McCoy, who shrunk back a bit from the stench. "You'll do anything I say if you know what's good for you, mate."
Sparrow spun around to face Spock. "Oi, you again? What is it?"
"Are you what Earth history calls a 'pirate'?
Sparrow smiled, revealing a mix of yellow, black, silver, and gold teeth. "Correct, my pointy-eared comrade!"
McCoy harrumphed. "Oh, Jesus Christ, Jim. How the hell did we get into this?"
"Transporter must be broken. Scotty ought to have fixed that before we beamed down. Well, he'll hear it from me when we get back…Captain Sparrow! This has been a huge misunderstanding. Please let us call our ship to take us back." Without waiting for permission, Kirk reached to his side for his communicator. His hand met empty space. The communicator was gone!
"Not so fast, mate. You're not going anywhere until you help me get something first, savvy?"
"What did you do with our communicators, and our phasers?"
The three large pirates behind the trio dangled their possessions in front of them, snickering. Kirk sighed. "Well, Captain, you have me at a disadvantage. What do you need from us?"
"I can't believe you agreed to do this! What if you get caught, dammit?"
"Then I have you to patch me up, Bones."
"With this medieval shit for medical tools? Good luck."
Kirk chuckled and left McCoy to his line of injured pirates.
He only got out of the small room when Sparrow came up from behind him.
"Can I trust you with this, mate?" He held a pistol out to Kirk.
"If you can show me how to fire it, yes."
"You've got yourself a deal, then. But heed this—if you fire against me, I'll have your hide as my cabin wallpaper. Savvy?"
Kirk nodded and Sparrow swaggered away. Interesting character, he thought, I shall have to look him up in the history log when we get home.
Night had fallen. Spock, Kirk, and Sparrow were hiding outside of a military fort. Two guards paced back and forth across the entrance.
"Alright, on the count of three we're going to ambush the guards. Shoot them before they shoot you. And then we're going to have to move pretty quickly because someone's going to have heard the shots."
Spock's eyebrow rose. "If I may suggest something, Captain Kirk and I have a more effective—and quieter-means of entrance into the building."
Now it was turn for Sparrow's eyebrow to rise. "As long as you two are alive after doing it, be my guest. This should be interesting to watch."
Kirk nodded to Spock. "Alright, let's go."
The two stood and casually walked around the bush and down to the guards. Jack snickered, peering at them through the leaves.
"Good evening, gentlemen," Kirk called to the guards, who aimed their rifles at him. "No need for violence. My friend and I simply require directions. If I go down this street…."
As the two guards turned to look the way Kirk was pointing, Spock reached over and nerve-pinched them. They fell to the ground. Kirk turned and waved for Sparrow to join them. He did, taking his time to swagger down to the entrance. "Fancy trick you got there, mate. You should teach it to me some time."
Spock was going to point out the impossibility of the human Sparrow learning the Vulcan nerve-pinch, but Kirk silenced him. The three slid through the now-open door and into the large antechamber inside.
"Alright, mates, you go down that way and I'll go upstairs. Like I said, we're looking for a piece of a map. It'll be wet and weather-worn, with a big red 'X' on it!"
And with that, Sparrow scurried upstairs, leaving the press-ganged Kirk and Spock alone.
"…A big red 'X', Captain?"
"Well, 'X' does mark the spot, Spock. C'mon, you go right and I'll go left."
Kirk was still looking for the map when he heard Sparrow loudly run down the stairs.
"ABANDON SHIP! ABANDON SHIP!"
Kirk ran out into the antechamber, Spock appearing seconds later. Sparrow was flying down the stairs waving a piece of parchment in the air. The three ran out the door, bullets hot on their heels.
"I take it he retrieved the map successfully, Captain?" How Spock could talk calmly and smoothly while running for his life was beyond Jim. He couldn't answer, he was huffing so loud. But he nodded and that was sufficient enough for Spock.
The three only started to slow when the dock was in sight. They retrieved their hidden lifeboat and quickly started to row back to the Black Pearl.
"Well, that was exciting; wasn't it, Spock?" Kirk was still trying to regulate his breathing.
"Captain, I do not understand 'exciting'. But my adrenaline is still rushing, if that is what you mean."
"Yea, Spock, that's like the same thing."
Sparrow whooped loudly. "We did it, mates! I can get me treasure!"
"And now you're going to honor your promise, right? You said you'd let us go after we helped you get your map."
Sparrow smiled, a demonic glint in his eye. "Well, I am a pirate, mate…."
Kirk scowled and Sparrow's demonic glint was replaced with a joking one. "I'm just joshin' ya, mate. If I brought you along to get me treasure you'd be wantin' a part of it!"
Kirk smiled and laughed along with Sparrow. Even Spock looked a little bit amused by the pirate's eccentric egocentricity.
That night, Kirk, Spock and (a now filthy) McCoy found themselves on the deck of the Black Pearl facing the Captain and his crew. Sparrow extended his hand to Kirk, who shook it readily despite its grubbiness.
"Well, Captain, it's been an honor having ye as part of me crew. Even if it was for a short time."
"My pleasure, Captain. The Pearl is a lovely ship."
"I know. I'm sure the Enterprise is just as fine-looking."
Kirk looked upwards. "Oh, she is…"
"If you're ever in these waters again, seek me out. We could have a nice chat over a bottle—or three—of rum."
"Will do, will do."
Kirk backed up to a clear space of deck and his friends did the same. Kirk flipped open his communicator and gave the order. Some of the pirates shielded their eyes as the bright white lights surrounded the three.
"You'll tell all your friends about Captain Jack Sparrow, wont'cha?" Jack called after them and smiled his lopsided smile. Kirk responded with a nod, a smile, and a chuckle just before he disappeared.
Upon re-materializing, the three found themselves surrounded by black-clad people holding sticks of wood at their faces. Kirk quickly drew his phaser, as did the others. There was a unanimous cry of "Expelliarmus!" from the group and the trio's phasers (not to mention communicators) flew out of their belts and out of the circle. McCoy whistled low and Kirk sighed; not to mention Spock's eyebrow was reaching new record heights.
"Angels and ministers of mercy, save us."
"…Scotty's really gotta fix that transporter."