AN: I'm not usually an angst writer so I hope this isn't too terrible. I'm going to warn you guys ahead of time, my updates are going to be sporadic since I'm going to be really busy with schoolwork soon. I really wanted to get this posted though so please let me know what you think. This takes place post pregnancy and the pairings mentioned are BrittanyxSantana RachelxFinn QuinnxSam eventual RachelxQuinn
As always R&R and enjoy
Disclaimer: I don't own Glee...but I can dream :)
Unbeta'd so mistakes are mine
WARNING deals with self harm
She felt it again. That euphoric feeling that meant she was alive. It was how she used to feel whenever she sang, losing herself in the emotions of the song. A humorless laugh escapes her lips as she thinks of her naivety. She had thought she had a chance, that people would come to appreciate her talent. She had had a plan. She was going to take Broadway by storm, play Elphaba in Wicked and win a Tony here and there. She laughs again and stares down at what she's done, the razor in her right hand stained with the blood now bubbling from crisscrossing gashes in her left arm. She tilts her arm, inspecting the other scars splattered by the blood now dripping down her arm. They glare back at her, a constant reminder of the things she had gone through, the pain she had been forced to endure day after day. A lone tear slips from her eye, but she wipes it away and falls back onto her bed, her eyes devoid of emotion as she stares at the ceiling. How had it come to this? How had she been reduced to this?
3 months ago...
"We're over Rachel!" Finn shouted as he hurled open the door to the empty classroom she had dragged him in moments before. Rachel followed close behind him, seizing his arm and whirling him around to face her, pointing an accusatory finger at his chest.
"You said you'd never break up with me!" Finn scoffed and rolled his eyes at her dramatics, oblivious to how hard she was fighting to stop the tears threatening to cascade down her face .
Rachel's lower lip trembles as she tries to find the right words to say, but the loathing in his eyes has rendered her speechless. Finn shakes his head in disgust and mutters so low that only she can hear.
"I can't believe I ever wanted to date a slut like you." He forcibly yanks his arm from her grip and storms down the hallway, pushing people aside and not even bothering to look back at the girl who is still frozen in shock.
His words hang in the air around Rachel like a poisonous fog, making it impossible for her to breathe. No. No this can't be happening. Everything had been going perfectly until she had told Finn about her Puck. It had made sense to her, Finn had done it with Santana so she could do it with Puck. Surely Finn would understand. But no...everything had gone wrong. Panic overtook her as his words sank in for her, and next thing she knew she was fighting through the crowd desperately trying to reach the person who was towering above everyone else. Only one thing was processing in her mind, she knew she had to stop Finn; she had to make him understand.
"Finn!" she cried desperately, but her shout is drowned by the sounds of students moving in the hallway.
Suddenly she notices a small gap in the crowd and she uses her small build to her advantage, ducking under jocks and ignoring the insults that follow her. She only has eyes for him, and now only a few people stand between them. Rachel reaches out a hand, but she was so focused on Finn she didn't see the outstretched foot. She gasps with surprise as the cold hallway floor comes up to meet her and she barely registers a sharp pain in her side as she lands awkwardly. The movement around her comes to a standstill as students stare at the fallen diva. Ignoring the snickers, she slowly sits up and raises her head to Finn who was looking murderous. His hands shake with anger as he gazes down at her.
"What do you want?" he growls crossing his arms.
"P-please Finn can't we at least talk about th-this?" Tears poured down Rachel's face as she stared up at the cold look that had replaced the normal dopey grin Finn used to give her. She knew she looked pathetic but she didn't care. All she wanted was for him to take her back.
"I'm done with you."
"N-no you don't mean that. We can still work this out." She reached pleadingly towards him, but he recoils and turns away.
"Just stay the fuck away from me, Rachel! You're nothing but a whore and that's not gonna change."
The venom in his voice cuts through the diva's heart, and she lets her hand drop uselessly at her side as the boy she loves storms away. A sob shakes her frame and she doesn't even bother to stand up, choosing instead to rest her head against the lockers behind her. She closes her eyes, trying her hardest to ignore the dull ache in her chest that had started the moment Finn had left the empty classroom.
She was so lost in her thoughts that she doesn't see the blonde Cheerio who had witnessed the whole confrontation. The girl's eyebrows are furrowed as she watches Finn disappear around the corner, and she is torn between chasing after him and helping Rachel. She makes up her mind though when she sees the brunette curled into a ball on the floor and quickly crosses the hallway to kneel by the brunette, pulling her close for a hug.
"Come on Rachel you have to stand up."
The diva's eyes were distant and she was unresponsive to the girl beside her.
The blonde gently shook her, "Rach?"
Rachel whimpered and buried herself into the uniform, clutching at the only person who seemed to notice her pain. The girl hugs her tightly and started to stand up bringing Rachel with her. The diva stumbled, but her savior held onto her tightly.
"Thank you," Rachel whispered, pulling herself out of the blonde's grip and wiping away the tracks the tears had left on her face.
"Do you need anything?" the Cheerio asks softly.
Rachel's lip trembles but she shakes her head, "No, I - I just want to go home right now."
"But you'll miss glee," the blonde protested, "You never miss glee."
Rachel snorted and turned away, more tears blurring her vision. "No one wants me there. And I don't want to see him."
The girl frowns and moves to stand beside Rachel, placing a hand on her shoulder.
"But I want you there. I mean you're really bossy, but glee isn't the same without you."
"Thank you, Brittany, but I can't be there right now."
She starts to walk away, but Brittany's words make her pause.
"He was really mean to you, Rach. You don't deserve that."
"I do though." Rachel choked, "Everything he said was true."
"No it wasn't. I mean you're not a whore. S said whores are people who sleep around with everyone, but I'm special and I'm not one. She said she would beat someone up if they called me a whore. Do you want S to beat him up?"
A ghost of a smile flitted across Rachel's face before she shook her head.
"I appreciate the offer, but I don't think that would help. I'm sorry but I really should go."
The blonde opened her mouth to protest, but Rachel hurried away before Brittany could stop her. She was grateful for the girl for helping her, but right now she just needed to be alone.