OK, so I should actually be working on the next chapter of my more serious story "The Avatar's Love," but I've been feeling goofy lately and just can't concentrate... And this idea just occurred to me: what if Team Avatar took it upon themselves to actually go into the "Last Airbender" movie and try to fix everything? And, well... I just couldn't help myself! M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN, YOU BROUGHT THIS UPON YOURSELF! I feel no remorse for whatever kinds of satirical chaos may ensue.
Heh heh heh. This at least makes me feel a little bit better about the movie sucking so bad.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own "Avatar: the Last Airbender" the cartoon, or any of its characters. Nor do I own M. Night Shyamalan's wretched disaster "The Last Airbender," or any of its, ahem... 'characters' (term used very loosely here). Though I will be taking some artistic liberties with them. Mwahahahha...
"In Which Team Avatar Sees a Movie, and Sokka Declares It's Time for an Intervention"
"They want you to be their Avatar, Ahng," Katara said, her lip quivering and pouting ever so slightly. "We all do."
It seemed, as was usual for her, that the girl was going to burst spontaneously into tears. Luckily, though, she managed to keep herself mostly composed, and turned away. She and her brother, in total solemnity, joined the group of Northern Water Tribe warriors who were kneeling reverently before the bald young Airbender.
As the music in the background escalated into a dramatic chorus, the Airbender swept his hands around in a grand gesture, and bowed back to the Waterbenders. His face contorted in a storm of baffled emotions – he, too, looked as if he was having great difficulty resisting the urge to cry suddenly, though he didn't seem to know why. His mouth hung slightly open, lips quivering as well, while his eyes gazed forward desperately, searching hopelessly for something… Was it motivation? Personality? A sense of humor? Or perhaps, just the closing credits?
Alas, there was none to be found.
The musical chorus rose to a climactic volume, then stopped suddenly. Blackness.
Some bored, matter-of-fact, and rather unimpressive Fire Lord stood in a room in some palace somewhere, reciting dialogue to an intricately decorated window.
"Our forces in the Northern Water Tribe have failed to take the city," he informed the window gravely. "General Zhao was killed in battle my brother has become a traitor my son has proven himself a failure…"
He paused. Nodded. Breathed through his nose.
"Now," he went on, casting an indifferent glance at his window confidante. "Sozin's Comet… is returning in three years. It will give all Firebenders the ability of the highest Firebenders the ability to use their own chi to create fire. That… is the day we will win this war and prove the Fire Nation's dominance. Now, you must stop the Avatar from mastering Earth and Fire. You must give us the time to get to that day."
At last he turned away from the window, having apparently remembered that there was another human being in the room. Quickly, embarrassed at having been caught speaking to his window, he pretended that he'd actually been talking to her all along.
"Do you accept this unspeakably important task that I'm putting in your hands?" he asked the girl standing behind him.
The music grew dark. It said, be afraid. Be very afraid…Please, please, be afraid.
The strange girl raised her head, her lips twitching slightly, her eyes alight with glee.
The music said eagerly, It's Azula! Get it? Get it?Are you afraid? Yes? No? Maybe? AZULA?
"I do, father," said Azula. She smirked subtly, looking as though she was planning to happily tear someone's heart out and eat it while giggling and singing Disney songs.
FEAR TERROR EXCITEMENT AZULA! said the music… (and oh, please, pretty please come back for the sequel! in 3D!)
Written, produced and directed by M. Night Shyamalan.
Team Avatar all stared blankly at the screen, too shocked to speak for several long moments after the film had ended.
Aang groaned quietly, massaging the headache nestling in his temples. Katara glared – not at anything in particular, just glared. Sokka could only gape at the screen, aghast. Zuko grumbled in frustration, and Iroh stroked his beard, deeply troubled. Mai snickered quietly beside Zuko, while Toph snored softly on the other side of him. Suki glanced around at the others uncomfortably, wondering which of them was going to speak first, and hoping that it wouldn't have to be her.
At last, Sokka managed to voice the single word that all of them were thinking:
Toph snorted and woke up suddenly. She'd fallen asleep on her armrest, leaving a small puddle of drool.
"Huh?" said the blind Earthbender, yawning broadly. "Wha' happened? Movie's over?"
"Mercifully, yes," Zuko replied grimly.
"Just before I was about to start cutting myself," Mai yawned as well, leaning on Zuko's shoulder.
"Dreadlocks?" Iroh murmured, furrowing his brow in bewilderment. "Dreadlocks?" He'd been murmuring that same word intermittently to himself throughout most of the movie, stroking his beard pensively. It seemed that, for all his wisdom, the old man still could not quite fathom it.
"I think that was quite possibly the worst ninety minutes of my life," Aang said, frowning irritably.
"That was only ninety minutes?" Sokka cried. "Why did it feel like it went on for so long?"
Katara continued to glare in silence.
"Oh, come on, guys, it wasn't really that bad," Suki spoke up, with hesitant optimism.
"Sure, that's easy for you to say, Suki!" Sokka exclaimed. "You weren't even in it!"
"Yeah…" Suki murmured. She was clearly rather glad that she'd been left out.
Katara was still glaring.
"And I thought the Ember Island Players were bad," Zuko shook his head.
"Yeah, right," Aang agreed vehemently, flushing slightly with annoyance. "I think I'd rather sit through 'The Boy in the Iceberg' again than have to hear someone call me Ahng one more time!"
"And if I hear the name Soh-ka ever again, someone's gonna get a beating from my boomerang!" Sokka growled.
Katara was still glaring.
Aang finally glanced sideways at her, placing a hand on her shoulder. "Katara? You okay, there?"
"Yeah, I'll be fine," she mumbled, still glaring. "I just need a minute to… recover."
"I think we all do," Zuko said, standing and stretching.
"Why dreadlocks?" Iroh muttered to himself.
"Come on, Uncle," Zuko said, helping the old man to his feet. Iroh frowned, staring blankly into space, lost in his daze of confusion. "We'll get you some tea, and you'll be just fine."
"That's a good idea," Aang agreed. "I think we all need some tea. Jasmine Dragon, anyone?"
"I second that," Sokka nodded.
"Me three," said Toph.
The Gaang all lounged around Iroh's tea shop, seething quietly and sipping tea. No one broke the silence for a long time, as each was lost in his or her own thoughts regarding M. Night Shyamalan's film. The tea was a comfort, at least, but it could do nothing to erase the images – the tedious fight scenes, the painful dialogue, the humiliation.
"At least, you know, the music was pretty good," Suki suggested at last, optimistically trying to lift their spirits. "And the special effects were okay. And some of the sets looked neat, right?"
"Yeah," Toph nodded slowly. "I don't know what you guys are so upset about. I mean, I know I couldn't actually see it, but I thought it was pretty awesome anyway."
"What are you talking about, Toph?" Sokka glanced sideways at the Earthbender. "You fell asleep ten minutes into it!"
"Oh, yeah," said Toph. "Guess I just dreamed the rest of it up. No wonder it was so awesome."
"M. Night Shyamalan," Katara muttered fiercely. "If I could just see that guy face to face…"
"Katara," Aang took hold of one of her hands, squeezing it to calm her down. "Revenge is bad, remember?"
"Yeah, yeah," Katara grumbled. "But how can we just sit around and let him get away with this? It isn't right! I mean, he turned me and Sokka into pasty-skinned emotional cupcakes with no personalities and horrible, HORRIBLE fighting technique! And look what he did to you, Aang! You're the savior of the world and he couldn't even get your name right!"
"Not to mention how embarrassing it was that apparently Firebenders can't do anything unless we have a handy fire somewhere nearby," Zuko rolled his eyes. "How could the Fire Nation ever conquer the world like that?"
"And the dreadlocks!" Iroh shuddered. He couldn't say anything more.
"It's not right, Aang!" Katara cried again. "We have to do something about this!"
"Katara, I'm just as upset as you are," Aang sighed. "But what could we do?"
Katara hesitated, and sighed as well. "I – I don't know. There must be something, though!"
"There is something!" Sokka declared, rising to his feet. "Listen up, Team Avatar… and Mai… "
"Thanks for including me," Mai murmured, smirking and rolling her eyes.
"I think this situation calls for… an INTERVENTION!" The last word he spoke very dramatically, pointing his finger straight upward into the air.
Everyone in the Jasmine Dragon stared blankly at him for a moment.
"Um," Aang finally spoke up. "What exactly do you have in mind, Sokka?"
Sokka grinned brightly. "We're gonna go find those poor saps from the movie, and teach them how to be us!"
Team Avatar (and Mai) all looked around at one another, astonished at Sokka's suggestion. They shrugged, and scratched their heads, but their eyes all silently asked each other, Could it be possible? Can we really do such a thing?
At last, Katara shook her head at her brother with a melancholy sigh. "No, Sokka. It would never work. They're characters in a movie!"
"Well, yeah, but then again, we're characters in a cartoon," Toph pointed out.
Zuko suddenly spat a mouthful of tea across the table. "We're WHAT?"
Aang sighed. "You make a good point, Toph. But… well, I dunno. I agree that something needs to be done. But how could we possibly make a difference this time? It's not like we can hop on Appa's back and just cross on over into the movie. It's a totally different world!"
"Why couldn't we cross over?" Sokka asked, grinning with excitement. "Sure, maybe it's not really logical. But let me ask you this, Airhead: is it logical that we even watched the movie to begin with?"
Aang paused, frowning with thought. "I guess it's… not?"
"Of course it's not!" Sokka replied enthusiastically. "Think about it: M. Night What's-His-Name is clearly not even from our world, so how could his movie be here? And anyway, I'm pretty sure motion pictures and movie theaters haven't even been invented in this world yet. Come on, Aang – does any of that make sense?"
Aang's eyes were beginning to light up with the realization. His mouth cracked into a small grin as well. "No – you're right, Sokka. I guess it doesn't make sense!"
"Exactly!" Sokka nodded.
Katara glanced at Aang, then at her brother, her mouth hanging open in astonishment. "But," she stammered, "but… that could only mean one thing!"
"That's right!" Sokka smirked. "Clearly we are all stuck in some fanfic parody with no real logical basis to it at all."
Zuko spat his tea across the table again. "We're in a WHAT?"
"You're right, Sokka!" Katara cried, clearly bursting with excitement. "We must be in a crazy illogical fanfic! And that means that, as long as it's for the sake of satire, we shouldn't have any problem at all crossing over into the movie world."
"In fact," Sokka added, "we'll probably just get there without any plausible explanation in the very next chapter of this story."
Aang's eyes sparkled mischievously, as the possibilities began to unfold before him. "Yeah!" he said. "All we have to do is wait till the next chapter, and once we're there, we can fix everything that went wrong in the movie!"
"You guys have fun with that. I think I'll stay here," Mai said, yawning a bit. "I don't really care enough about the movie to put that much effort into fixing it, especially since my character wasn't even in that part of the story. But for future reference, guys – try to be careful about breaking the fourth wall around Zuko, okay? He doesn't know, and it tends to freak him out a little."
"Fourth wall?" Zuko asked, looking at her in bewilderment. "What wall? Someone broke a wall?"
"Nothing, Zuko," Mai said, smiling quietly and patting his hand. "Just don't worry about it."
Iroh rose from his corner of the table, nodding solemnly. "Normally, I would not condone any meddling between two separate realities. You never know what that sort of thing might lead to: injuries, death, the end of the universe as we know it, badly written teenage drama… The possibilities are endless. But in this case, I think the situation is severe enough that it's worth the risk. I'd like to go with you all, if you don't mind."
"We wouldn't feel right going without you!" Toph declared, and everyone else agreed.
"In that case, I think we all better get some sleep," Sokka said authoritatively. "If my calculations are correct, the next chapter of the story should be coming any second now, and we're pretty much guaranteed to show up there fairly early on. We'll need to be well-rested if we want to tackle the project of fixing The Last Airbender. It's not going to be an easy task."
"You've got that right," Zuko agreed.
"Yes," Iroh murmured pensively. "In fact, this may be our most difficult challenge yet!"
What kinds of craziness will befall our heroes once they are face to face with their movie counterparts? Stay tuned to find out! :D