Almost immediately, the walls shot up again and we were lapsed in awkward silence. I inwardly groaned. Perry was making no effort to return to the sofa, and my eyes were far too intent on burning holes through my thighs for me to even try and gauge how Perry might have been looking at that very moment.
"Soo…" I hear him breath out, the sound of padded footsteps alerting me to the fact that Perry was moving, inevitably in my direction. I feel the couch lower slightly as Perry slumps himself down beside me, his eyes suddenly burning into the side of my face.
I don't really know what it is, but I think I'm still slightly scared of him.
"What do we do now?" He mimics my earlier question, and allows his arm to snake around the back of the sofa. I gulp audibly.
I reel back in shock, but soon start kissing back. I can't believe this is happening, you know, right now. It's insane, but I love it, I really do.
"Perry…" I mumble into the kiss, trying to get his attention. It comes out merely as a groan, and does everything but what I had intended it to do. I try again, placing my palms on his chest and pushing away from him gently.
He shoots me a look and raises his eyebrow in confusion.
I wait until I have regained my composure before trying to speak.
"As much as I'm enjoying, you know…" I start to blush. "I meant what we were going to do, as in long term…"
I squeeze my eyes shut, afraid to see Perry's reaction. The man next to me doesn't speak, and fear prompts me to open my eyes again. His facial expression hasn't changed. You should know me by now, when I get nervous I keep talking. Isn't that something a woman is supposed to do?
"I mean, how are we going to do this?"
Well, that certainly got his attention.
"Yeah," I nod convincingly. "You know, our relationship…" I was attacked by kisses before I had the chance to finish my sentence. I'm not really sure if I am that bothered, to be honest with you.
"Newbie," Perry's voice was menacingly low. "We've spent the last forever talking. You know damn well how I feel, and I am pretty sure you've made it ver-hery clear how you feel, so can't we just leave it at that? I know you love to talk, and plan, and all the other girly things that I don't have the mental capacity to remember right now, but can't you just relax for five minutes?"
I'm not an idiot, I knew he was right the moment the words had come out of his self righteous mouth. I hate it when he's right, it's irritating, but I guess he had a point. I was over thinking things. It all just felt so unpredictable and new, and well, I can't say I've ever been in this situation before. It was going to take me a while to adapt.
"So, now we've got that covered, again…" I could sense the irritation in Perry's voice. "What are we going to do now? Personally, I think we'd be fine carrying on from where we left off."
"Hmm," I smile. Perry's grin has returned too, but something stops me leaning over toward him. Somebody needs to take my brain, now!
Perry takes the initiative and leans over to kiss me, but I block his advances with my hand.
"So, we're a couple now, like officially?"
"Yes…" he looked apprehensive at me, not seeming too sure if he liked where I was going.
"And I think we should do things a couple usually does."
"We were doing things a couple does…" he said in an obvious tone.
"I know that, but that's not the kind of thing I was talking about. Look, I know we can't hold hands in public, or have a romantic dinner on a restaurant, but we could at least, watch a movie and cuddle in the couch, maybe…" I see him opening his mouth, certainly to complain against what I had said, but I stop him before he can. "Perry, I'm not asking for a lot, ok? I just want to watch a movie with my boyfriend. I mean, that is what you are to me now, right? My boyfriend?" I ask the question hesitantly.
"Yes, I guess I am." The smile that appeared in his face confused me, I'm not sure why. It's not like I was expecting him to snap at me or anything, but I guess I was expecting him to be more uncomfortable about what our relationship was.
I realize I must have gotten to him, because his face softened and he sighed.
"I'll be right back." He leaves the room, heading in the direction of his room.
I stay there waiting for him, finding myself quickly lost in my thoughts. In only a couple of days my life had been turned upside down. I had started dating my boss, who was quite literally the last person I thought I would ever date. Not only that, I discovered I liked men. I know people see me and immediately assume I'm gay – probably because of my fabulous hair – but I had always ignored that. I had never thought of another man that way before. But Perry, he's not only a man, he's… he's Perry Cox, the best goddamn doctor to ever walk the floors of Sacred Heart and since the very moment I met him I saw in him someone that attracted me in a way I didn't really understand.
The sudden sound of a door closing pulls me out of those thoughts. Perry had returned from his room, holding a DVD with one of his hands.
"Jordon forgot to take this movie before she left. It's a sappy chick flick, not really my thing but I guess you'll like it." A teasing smile plays on his lips as he says this.
I grab the box while he puts the DVD in the player and read the summary, admitting to myself that it really was the sort of movie I liked, but refusing to acknowledge it out loud.
"I wouldn't think Jordan was the type of woman who'd enjoy these movies." I think out loud.
"Oh, yeah… It's not exactly information she likes to share with the world, but she has an extensive collection of incredibly cheesy movies."
His face was apparently emotionless, but I thought I saw a something resembling affection hidden behind that.
"Do you…" I was suddenly felling uneasy "do you miss her?"
I didn't know why I was feeling so uncomfortable. It wasn't like he could still have feelings for her right? That was just silly. He had left her for me… well, maybe not exactly but something like that.
Then I heard the answer I was hoping not to hear.
"Of course I do." He looked truly surprised by the question. "She's the mother of my son. In a lot of ways she's the best friend I ever had. I'll always care very deeply for her." He must have seen I was upset because he added. "The thing is, while we were together, no matter how much I tried – and believe me, I really tried – I couldn't bring myself to feel about her… well, the way I feel about you."
He smiles and leans his face over to mine, kissing me gently. I feel my defenses crumbling down, feeling reassured by his words.
He kisses me again before talking. "Come on, let's watch the movie."
And we did. Although, if I have to be honest, I wasn't really paying attention to what was going on in the screen. I was too distracted by his arm around my waist, by how close we were, by the warmth of his body, and the smell of his cologne. Everything about that moment felt absolutely perfect, almost unreal, to the point were I didn't even move, afraid it would shatter the moment. I wished I that moment would last forever, I wished I never had to leave his arms.
But I had. Even tough I wanted to stay with him, I had to go home. It was getting late, and Turk would be suspicious if I didn't sleep home for two straight nights without warning him. Also, I didn't want Perry to get the wrong idea about me spending the night. I was nowhere near ready to take that step on our relationship.
So I stepped away from his comforting arms and kissed him goodbye before going outside. I could see he wanted to ask me to stay, but he didn't, I could see he didn't want to give the idea he was pushing me to sleep with him, and I truly appreciated it.
I made my way out of the building, still vaguely upset for having to leave before I wanted to, but generally I was feeling happy. The storm of confused and mixed feelings in me had calmed down and left me feeling calm and reassured. I knew this relationship wouldn't be easy, and we were going to have to lie to all our friends about it, but Perry – the most skeptical person I know – seemed to believe we had a shot, and if he believed that, I didn't see why I couldn't.
I try my best to be silent while I get in my apartment, in an attempt not to wake up my friends, and avoid the questions that would follow. This shows itself to be futile, because as I turn around after quietly closing the door, I am faced with a suspicious looking Chocolate Bear.
"Oh, hi Turk. You still up?" I ask trying to recompose myself from the scare I'd just gotten. I was really not expecting him to be there. According to my watch it was after 2 a.m., and after that hour Turk was usually already sound-asleep.
"Yeah, couldn't sleep, I was worried about you. You've been acting all weird in the hospital today, and then you leave without telling anyone where you're going, you don't answer my calls, it's not like you to act like that. Is there something wrong?"
There was genuine concern in his voice, which just made me feel even worse about lying to him. I had to fight the desperate urge to tell him the truth, reminding myself I had promised Perry I wouldn't.
"No, nothing's wrong." That part was true, nothing was wrong, everything was just different. But he didn't seem convinced, so I added "Turk, I promise, I'm fine. I've just been… having trouble with one of my patients" I quickly think of an excuse for my behavior. It was actually true, I had been having problems with one of my patients, a snarky little teenager who took every chance he got to try to annoy me, but that was the last thing on my mind.
"You know teenage boys, they don't take anything seriously. He got really on my nerves today, so I decided to take a walk after work, you know, to clear my head and remind myself I'm not allowed to punch one of my patients." I joked, trying to distract him from my odd behavior.
"Oh, you mean the Taylor kid? Yeah, I know what you mean; you should have heard what he said to Carla the other day…"
This seemed to take his mind out of my behavior for a while, and we stayed there talking for a while. All the while through the conversation I felt a knot in my chest for being forced to lie to my best friend. I was just getting a taste of how difficult keeping this secret would be, and I quietly cursed the world for being the way it is, for not allowing me to be with who I want to be.
I went to bed feeling guilty and exhausted. Turk was my best friend, I really hated lying to him. Then I remembered Perry, and I thought maybe it was worth lying to protect what we were beginning to have. I pushed the thoughts of guilt and lies away, and I fell asleep smiling thinking about how it felt being in Perry's arms.
A/N: Hey again! I'm back with a new chapter, and I know, it was about time. This chapter took me a while to write, but it's also a little bit longer than the others. It's not much, but I can't really write long chapters. I hope you enjoyed it, I had fun writing it :).
I also want to thank my beta, for helping me improve the story, and anyone who reviewed, favorited or alerted this story, for encouraging me to keep writing, it means a lot to me to know people like what I write :).
I'll also start to reply to some reviews, something I'd been forgetting to do.
Rainami: Thank you so much for the encouragement and the advice! I was actually having a really crappy day when you reviewed and it cheered me up. Thanks!
Imako Niomi: Yes, I know exactly what you mean. It's sad today people are still discriminated by their sexual orientation :(. Let's just hope in a few years everyone will be equal. Sorry the chapter was so short, I'll try working on making them longer.
cellardoor1000: I'm glad you like it. When I watched the show I always thought the reason Dr. Cox treated JD so harshly was because he was attracted to him. Obviously not, but I always thought it would be a fun way to take the pot.