Author's Note- This fic will go through every NCIS Agents feeling of this. So it should be eight chapters long. The chapter will be titled on which character it is. This is Tony.
WARNING- Recurring Character death. (Meaning it's not a main character)
I was numb with disbelief.
The casket was made of steel.
Paranoid even in death.
I didn't feel real.
None of this felt real.
It was all hazy.
Like a dream you can't remember, no matter how much you struggle to.
Not even the 21 shots could wake me up. They echoed in my empty soul.
I had never meant to take a life.
Never thought his debt would be repaid in blood.
I hated him for this.
For this guilt he's left me to carry.
I wondered if he planned it that way, so I would never forget.
I guess it didn't matter because this wasn't real.
It couldn't be.
He was too strong and smart to die.
That casket had to be empty.
It was all one big joke.
Even though I had been there to see him fall.
To see the blood fly out his chest as the shot gun shell went through it. Chunks of flesh that was later found to be his heart bursting out his back.
I didn't think a body could fly so far back.
The gun had been huge.
But my horror had been greater.
I tried to unsee it.
But it only became clearer.
His blood would always be stained all over me.
The guilty one.
He had laughed.
Just before he died.
It's what got him killed.
I was so shocked, I let my defenses down.
One minute I was brooding, the next he was trying to comfort me.
Bought me a beer, sat next to me on the stool.
Said, "You did the right thing."
But I had still felt like shit.
And he replied, "I know."
Of course he did. He would.
I stared at the steel that enclosed him.
Fear raced in my heart.
What if he was still alive in there?
It was a foolish thought, the autopsy had been done a few days before.
Nevertheless, the vision of him trying to claw through the steel, screaming to be let out still remains.
I could feel myself shaking.
It wasn't cold out.
I was cold inside.
I wondered if he was wearing something warm inside his casket.
I hoped so.
The coffin disappeared into the mouth of the earth. Mother nature swallowing what's hers.
As I watched I felt like walking to the edge and falling into the grave.
It should be me in there.
But it wasn't.
And it wasn't fair.
But maybe he'd be better off dead.
No pain, and he'd be with his little girl once more.
Their eyes would haunt me, I hoped they'd never leave my dreams.
I swallowed hard, the thud of the casket as it hit the bottom of the grave would stay with me for the rest of my life.
I felt sick.
This couldn't be real.
I wanted to scream.
I wanted to trade places with the dead body.
That's how it was meant to be. If he hadn't taken the time to shove me out of the way he'd still be alive.
My life had cost another.
I wasn't certain I was worth it.
In fact I knew I wasn't.
I'd be in debt until I died.
The cold I felt was bone deep, a chill that would never leave my heart.
All those sarcastic remarks, all those barbs meant to get under one anothers skin, all of those glares.
The realization hit me like a ton of bricks.
I would never hear his voice again.
I could never call his phone when I felt weak, when I needed strength, just to hear his voice.
It had given me strength and reassurance. I had always hung up the moment he spoke.
But all I needed was to hear him talk.
And I could go on once more.
I suspected he knew who called him and why.
He never bothered to get his number changed.
I would never hear his voice again.
I would never call his phone again.
I would never be the same again.
I knew the moment I broke apart after a hard day of work, he wouldn't be around to put it back together with just a few words.
I'd just keep breaking.
I would never be okay again.
I'd have to quit. To keep my sanity.
If I didn't I'd keep breaking until my mind was gone.
My soul was being buried alive, in guilt and shame.
I couldn't do the job anymore.
I didn't want to.
After this there was no amount of good I could do, I could create, that would make up for his loss.
No, this world was just cruel.
And no matter how we tried to change that it remained the same.
It fooled us into believing we were winning the battle.
And then when we least expected it, it would rear it's ugly head and rip a hole in us.
It would beat us down, and kill one of our own.
It was winning the battle, we were eating out of it's hand.
I wouldn't be part of it's game any longer.
I was done.
I didn't want to do it anymore.
Not with him gone.
Everything seemed different with him gone.
I was numb with shock that the world just kept on spinning.
It wasn't right.
It should at least pause in it's orbit.
Pay respects to the man that had done the job others couldn't do, they hated him for it but he had done it for them. And now he's dead.
Because of me.
Everybody was looking at me.
I knew how pale I was.
I could feel it.
It felt like death.
I welcomed it.
I walked forward, my legs felt like jelly under me.
I wasn't real.
This wasn't happening.
I saw myself kneeling, picking up a handful of dirt.
I trembled all over.
We were only feet from the grave, but it felt like miles before I reached the gaping hole.
I didn't want to stare down. Afraid I might see a monster.
I didn't want to see the truth.
I grasped the dirt.
I couldn't let it go.
To let it fall and hit the coffin below my feet would mean it was final.
He was really gone.
I just couldn't let him go.
I never expected to feel such grief.
But tears burned my eyes.
I heard someone say an anguished, "No."
I looked around for the culpirt.
Someone understood my pain.
But they were all looking at me with confusion or compassion.
It had been me.
I shook my head.
I could feel myself losing grip.
Of reality, hope, life.
The handful of dirt.
No matter how hard I grasped it, it leaked through my fingers. A tear fell into the dirt as I let it slide from my hand.
I watched it descend into the hungry mouth.
Creating the first blemish on the prestine silver coffin.
I wanted to climb down and brush it away.
'I didn't mean it.'
I'm sure he'd understand.
He understood alot.
I wish I had understood better, sooner.
I would miss him fiercely.
More than I ever thought I would.
I stepped back, I tried to turn around, turn away from all the eyes peering at me.
But there was no escape. They came at me from all sides.
Couldn't they see me being ripped to shreds?
I felt like someone was taking my heart and putting it through a meat grinder.
I wanted to scream.
To cry for help.
To make it stop.
Let's press rewind.
Relive it all over again and then change the ending.
He didn't have to die. He could live.
The world took the best of us.
But that could change, if only I could rewind.
'It's not real. Not true. This is all just a big lie.'
I heard myself say as I turned to stumble back to my place.
It was only a few steps, but it felt like miles once more.
I met my boss's gaze.
They looked so sad in his set face as he gazed at me.
I shook my head.
'Its not true.' I repeat, trying to convince them, if they believed it too maybe it would come true.
But they were so cold.
It seemed that he had made friends only at NCIS.
I stared hopefully at Gibbs.
That's when my legs gave out and I remembered no more.
Waking up later, we were still in the cemetery, Gibbs was kneeling over me.
He didn't say a word.
I looked back. A pile of dirt heaped in front of the marble tomb stone.
'What if he's still alive in there?'
The irrational fear still gnawed at me.
I wanted to run over there and dig him out.
Maybe, just maybe if someone gave him CPR or shocked him just once more, his heart would start beating. Even though I had seen it fly across the bar room in shreds.
What if he was suffocating while I lay there?
What if I was the reason he died again?
I struggled to get up but Gibbs pushed me down.
I looked into his eyes, he shook his head.
'He's gone Tony.' his voice was raw and soft, unguarded.
'It's not true.' I whispered.
'I ever lie to you DiNozzo?'
I shook. My whole body trembled.
He let me stumble to the grave, I fell to my knees at the foot of the dirt hill.
I stared at the tombstone, seeing it but not really
It was like it was staring through me.
I didn't want to believe the words etched onto it's plain, shiny surface.
He couldn't be dead.
He had always been so strong.
A step a head.
Perhaps he cheated death one time too many.
It didn't make me feel any better.
'I'm so sorry.'
I some how managed to choke out. I couldn't face him.
Couldn't face the accusing name carved into the stone.
'Be alive, please.'
I knew my words were lost on him.
He had already passed on.
I could feel it, it was why everything was so cold to my touch.
Everything was cold. Even the sun.
I put my head to the ground.
Hoping to hear him.
But he's silent.
Please find peace. Please.
I pleaded with him, as I closed my eyes, resting my head gently on the tombstone.
One single tear fell, it splashed onto the smooth surface.
I ran my hand over the words, wiping my grief off it's surface.
Nothing was going to blemish this man anymore.
I hadn't been able to thank him.
I just wondered, had he stood next to me, only a spirit and watch me perform CPR hopelessly?
Had he seen me take his dead body in my arms and hold him?
Had seen my grief so raw, all these days?
Could he feel my pain? I hope not.
I hope he could feel nothing.
I stepped back, getting up shakily, I felt my boss raise my arm and put it around his shoulder.
Leading me away, I looked back.
His tombstone shining, the words blazing in the sun. A final good bye.
Eternal friend, immortal foe, invulnerable strength.
October 21, 1967 - July 26 2009.
You'd never believe it, but you are missed.
A/N- Please review.