Author's note: Again, written at work during downtime. A friend gave me this thought when we were playing the most recent time. I thought that I would run with the idea while I had it, because it made me laugh. The more I write these spoofs the more I get to thinking that Mario is the only sane one.
The Night is Young Yet
Vieri de' Pazzi had overstepped his bounds by moving out to Tuscany, and over the span of the last couple years he had used his power to create an iron grip that had destroyed much of their way of life. But now the time had come.
Mario's eyes scanned the walls of the city before them, before he turned to face his men. Some of them had been stationed in Tuscany, but had been driven back when Vieri showed up. They were ready for revenge. The majority were from Monteriggioni, where they had been raised serving with Mario. "The time is now, signori. It's finally time to reclaim the city, and drive the Pazzi vermin out. Abbasso i traditori. Abbasso i Pazzi!" A treacherous cheer went through the men, sounding like a roar. Mario waved his hand to quiet them down. "Our months of planning have come down to tonight. We're going to reclaim the city. Reclaim our rights, and our power. Our very way of life." Another shorter cheer went through the men. Mario nodded, lowering his voice slightly. "Tonight the sun sets the final time on Tuscany, and it'll rise tomorrow on a free city."
A few men shifted, glancing to Mario's right. He looked, curious as to the distraction. His nephew walked over. The same nephew that had been reluctant to help. The one determined to flee to Spain in hopes that he could better protect what remained of his family. "Ezio." Mario greeted, welcoming his nephew in a half hug, giving him a firm pat on the shoulder. "What are you doing here? I thought that you weren't going to be helping us tonight. What happened to your preparations for Spain?"
Ezio shrugged nonchalantly, walking casually into the group. "I think that right now you need me more, Zio. Vieri troubles you because of my presence here."
Mario shook his head, patting his nephew on the shoulder again with a laugh. "No, Vieri troubles us because he's a templar, and we are assassins."
"Either way, I'll help you take care of him. This one is personal." Ezio explained, and Mario nodded. He knew how that worked. Sometimes things crossed that line, but he knew it was best to put any past feelings and bitterness behind and focus on the main objective. He only hoped Ezio learned it soon enough. It wasn't a lesson that could be taught.
"That's fine. We were just discussing plans for how this is going to be done. The sun is going down, and so now is the time to strike."
One of the mercenari nodded, resting his hands on the ax he wielded. "Just tell my men when and where. We won't let you down. This cazzo has been strangling our resources. Some of the merchants won't even sell to us anymore. What we need is to open one of the gates. Otherwise they'll crush us before we can even get to the bastardo."
Mario nodded. "What they have in numbers we'll beat in skill. Nipote, we'll need you to open the gate, so that our forces can even get in there. We'll strike the south gate. It's the one least guarded." He glanced at Ezio. "Can we count on you?"
"Actually Uncle, if you could just wait a few hours, there are a couple things that I needed to take care of first. You see I've been here before, and I decided to stir a few things up. Some of the guards didn't appreciate my ventures, and so I'm, shall we say… well known. I wanted to take care of that so that they wouldn't be as alerted to me. Then there was this woman. She thinks that her husband is being unfaithful. I was going to just rough him up a little, and then see if there was any other way that I could soothe her troubled heart. But after that, I'll be here to help." He turned, starting to run up towards the city.
"What?" Mario stammered, before turning after Ezio. "Nipote, we have to act now. You can't just run off. We need you."
"It won't take long. I'll be back."
Mario was still trying to regain from his shock. "We don't have a few hours for you to woo some married woman, and tear down wanted posters!"
Ezio shrugged, "Just hold up for a moment." He then turned, going back towards the city.
"You've… you've got to be joking. During the middle of a mission. What about the Pazzi?" Mario threw his hands up, looking over at the leader of the mercenari who seemed to be hiding a laugh as he shrugged.
"I think that the kid has the right idea. Where's our women to seduce?"
A few chuckles went through the group. "I'd rather be there too." One of them chimed.
The mercenario next to him scoffed a laugh. "The only woman that you could find would be there because of coin."
The leader of the mercenari glanced over his shoulder, smirking before he stood up. "We can just go without him. You had the plan right?"
"Actually, I was counting on him following us here. I thought that he'd be the one. Unless one of your men can clear that." He pointed to the lowest point on the wall."
A few of them laughed. "We're soldiers, not monkeys."
Mario looked discouraged. "I could probably do it. But that means that I won't be there to lead the first wave of soldiers."
"We can wait a little while, but three hours seems a little excessive. Come find us when he shows up, va bene?"
Mario looked baffled. "What about Tuscany?" he asked, the crowd already beginning to disperse.
"We don't need it so badly. Monteriggioni is very welcoming. We'll get used to it there."
The leader waited, looking up at the city walls, and then back to Mario. "Vieri will still be here tomorrow if Ezio's not back in time. I'll be patrolling with my men further south. Send word when it's time." He stood up, propping the ax on his shoulder before he turned, following after his men, leaving just Mario standing there.
Glossary of Italian: (I don't speak Italian. All translation was checked, double check, and rechecked at Dictionary(.com).)
Abbasso i traditori. Abbasso i Pazzi! – Down with the traitors. Down with the Pazzi!
bastardo - bastard
cazzo - prick
mercenari - mercenary
Nipote – Nephew
Va bene - Okay
Zio – Uncle