(A/N – Hello random reader. Let's get a few warnings out of the way WARNING: YAOI, CUSSING, AND IMPLIED SEXUAL ACTIVITY. Not necessarily in this chapter, but it's coming, man. And some parts will be like movie scenes, with music playing and camera angles and such. Just roll with it.
In this chapter Mello voices his opinions on the terms "gay" and "homosexual". I have no biases concerning homosexuals, lesbians, or bi's. I just think that this is what Mello would have to say on that matter, him being insecure about his sexuality and all that good stuff. I think that Mello is biased. I, myself, am not biased in any way towards a person's sexuality, and hope that no matter what sexuality you are, you are happy with yourself and find love =]
I don't own the Hangover. If I did, I would be very rich by now.
I don't own Death Note, although I wish I did so I could get L and BB to do whatever I wanted *evil grin*
I do not own Lady Gaga's "Highway Unicorn", if I did, I would be a pop star. Ew.
I do, however, own the random nameless fangirl in the last chapter. Whoop de do.)
L and Light were picking up their bags as they were brought around by the conveyor belt. Matsuda was standing beside them.
"I wonder what would happen if a person was brought around on one of those things," Matsuda asked, mesmerized, as the baggage rode past them.
"I have also pondered this, Matsuda. I have come to the conclusion that either an attendant would yell at you for doing something so stupid, or you would eventually be circulated through those flaps," L pointed, indicating a large rubber flap, where baggage was conveyed behind a wall.
"Let's try it!" Matsuda practically yelled, hopping up and down like a school girl.
"Let's not," Light countered, looking annoyed. He was seriously considering killing this idiot. But he wouldn't say that out loud. It had been three days since L had mentioned Kira, and Light didn't want to mess up that streak.
"No, Light-kun, it might be fun. We already have our baggage," L stated. He climbed onto the conveyor belt before Light could stop him, Matsuda following suit, and Light being dragged behind them .
"WHEE!" Matsuda yelled as they slowly rotated around the pick-up area.
"I don't know them, I don't know them . . ." Light chanted, averting his eyes from the idiotic scene in front of him and yanking on the chain of the stupid handcuffs that connected him to L.
"Matsuda, we are about to go through the flap," L observed, sitting in his crouching position as he was taken towards the opening.
"OH NO! DARK HOLE!" Matsuda screamed, and tried to crawl away from the flap, which L had just passed through.
"NOOOO!" Matsuda shrieked as he tripped and was engulfed by the blackness.
Light was still pretending he had no clue what was happening, but soon the chain was pulled taunt and he had no choice but to follow the detectives through the baggage flap.
They emerged in a room full of other conveyor belts, all just making a lazy circle before returning to the viewing area. Matsuda had his hands over his eyes and was screaming like he had just seen a ghost.
"Matsuda, please refrain from screaming," L said, but not before the workers unloading cargo from the planes onto the conveyors had noticed Matsuda's shrieks.
"HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!" a worker yelled. A few others joined in, and soon were running towards their conveyor belt.
"Ryuzaki . . ." Light said, panicking.
"I believe we should run now," L stated, pulling Matsuda to his feet and grabbing a hold of the handcuff chain. Then he started to run across the conveyor belt, pulling a hysterical Matsuda and a hyperventilating Light with him. L then shoved them through another flap, and they were out in the open.
"Never . . . do that . . . again!" Light exclaimed, pulling L towards the bags. Light noticed that what looked like a prostitute had made her home next to their bags.
"We have no need of you services! Get away you creepy hooker!" Light yelled, making shooing motions with his hands.
"You can't just whiff me away like I'm a bad smell! And –wait, did you call me a hooker!" the blond screamed with a clearly male voice.
"Mello, I apologize for Light-kun's behavior. He has had a bit of a rough trip," L explained, placing a hand on Mello's shoulder. The blond seemed to calm down a bit, but still shot Light a menacing glare.
"Just because I happen to be a homosexual doesn't make me a chick!" Mello roared, clenching his fists.
Well you sure act like one on their premenstrual cycle . . . Light thought.
"I don't think it was the fact that you're gay that made Light think you were a girl. It was the fact that you look like a girl," Matsuda explained.
"I'm a homosexual! Not gay! There's a difference!" Mello snapped, making Matsuda cringe.
"And what exactly, is the difference?" Light asked. Normally he would have kept his mouth shut, but he really didn't see a difference between gay and homosexual. They both meant the same thing, right?
"Homosexual means that I am sexually attracted to other men. Gay means that I am attracted to other men, talk in a high pitched voice, and act like a pussy. So, no, I'm not gay," Mello stated. Light mentally rolled his eyes.
"Where's Matt?" L asked, trying to change the subject.
"Oh, he's waiting in the car. I hope you don't mind, but I asked Watari to drive Near. I just can't stand the little twit," Mello answered.
"Of course. And I believe I forgot to introduce you to my coworkers. This is Light Yagami," L gestured to Light, the chain rattling as he did so. Mello seemed to notice the chain for the first time.
"Ryuzaki, are you and Light . . ." Mello trailed off, his face moving in weird ways and his hands gesturing wildly to try to explain his question.
"No, Mello, we are not performing intercourse," L assured Mello.
"Actually, I was going to ask if you were having hot sex in the airplane bathroom, but I guess you already answered that," Mello said, shrugging. Light's face heated up and his eye twitched.
"And this is Matsuda," L continued, unfazed by Mello's accusation.
"HI!" Matsuda yelled, waving frantically. Mello laughed.
"I'm glad I invited him, he's gonna be a real character," he smirked.
Mello led the three men out to the parking lot, each of them with a suitcase rolling behind them. He waved to a goggle-clad man seated in a classic car.
The car was a Cadillac convertible, but unlike most classics, that were either powder blue or soft pink, this one was pitch black. The seats were red leather, and the tires were white wall, to match the steering wheel. A pair of fuzzy black and red dice hung from the rear view mirror. The whole car seemed badass, but with classic flair.
"Hey Mels! What the hell took you so long?" Matt asked as Mello climbed into the front seat. L, Light and Matsuda were crammed into the back seat, in the same order previously mentioned. Light groaned. Couldn't L have been in the middle? Oh great, now it sounds as though we're having a threesome . . .
"These idiots, and L, weren't at their bags when I got there. So I had to wait for them," Mello explained, pulling a chocolate bar from the glove box. Light rolled his eyes. Of course one of L's successors had to be obsessed with sweets. I mean they were succeeding L, who was the optimum of weird.
"I apologize. Matsuda and I were investigating the baggage conveyor," L stated, pulling a package of panda-shaped cookies from his carryon bag.
"Um . . . Okaaay," Matt said, looking a bit weirded out by this explanation. He started the car and drove out of the parking lot, with a town car on his tail.
"Hey, Matt, you know we're being car-stalked right now?" Matsuda asked. Mello glanced at the town car.
"That's Watari and Near, they're not a problem," Mello replied, biting into his chocolate.
L was also eating his sweets, but he was sitting in a crouch and did not have his seat belt on.
"Ryuzaki, you know that's not safe. Put your seat belt on," Light chided.
"Light-kun, I have been in much more dangerous situations than this. I believe I can handle riding in a car without a seat belt," L stated, munching on his panda cracker.
After a few more minutes of riding, Matsuda was at it again.
"And then we went to Louisiana for aunt Bertha's wedding and they we all like 'y'all' and we were all like 'eh?' and the chicken was like 'scwawk?' and then-"
"Hey Matt, would you turn on the radio?" Mello interrupted. Matsuda was seriously getting on his nerves and he didn't want to have to shoot someone just a few days before his wedding.
"Sure, babe," Matt replied with a smirk.
"Don't call me that!" Mello shouted. Light sniggered from the back seat.
Sighing, Matt turned the radio on and searched for a station with decent reception. And found one.
"We can be strong, we can be strong, out on this lonely run, on the road TO LOVE!" Lady Gaga sang.
"OMG I LOVE THIS SONG!" Both Mello, Matt, and Matsuda said at the same time. Then they looked at each other strangely.
"We can be strong, we can be strong, follow that U-NI-CORN on the road TO LOVE!" Mello and Matt sang along with the radio.
Light was slightly annoyed by popular music anyway, and it was even worse with those two wackjobs singing along. Mello was a pretty good singer, but Matt . . . poor tone deaf Matt.
"Run run, with her –" was repeated so many times that Light was clutching his head in his hands, and praying to Kira that it would be over soon.
"Run, run, with her top down, baby she flies," Matsuda, Mello, and Matt sang as the camera zoomed out to a wide angle showing the car zooming down the road.
"Run, run with the fury of a Satan arised," they sang. The shot was now an aerial view of the car.
"Run, run, hide your cha-cha, baby she goes," Light was starting to get car sick.
"With blond hair and a gun smoking under her toes," The camera zooms in for a close up of Mello.
"Oh-oh, Oh-oh. Ride ride, pony ride, ride," L added his voice to the song. "Oh-oh, Oh-oh. Ride, ride pony, to-night."
"C'mon Light-kun!" L said, nudging Light's shoulder. Light sighed sullenly and added a monotone voice to the song.
"We can be strong, we can be strong, out on this lonely run! On the road TO LOVE! We can be strong, we can be strong, follow that UN-I-CORN on the road TO LOVE!" Matsuda had his arm around Light, who was kinda grossed out and scooted towards L, who also wrapped an arm around Light. Matt had an arm around Mello, who was leaning against Matt and smoking his cigarette.
Light could almost hear a ghostly voice floating above him saying "Embrace the gayness, Light, embraaaaace the yaoi,"
And it was the voice of Lady Gaga.
"I'm on a ro-oooad, I'm on a road to love! I'm a ro-oooad, I'm on a road to love," they sang, while Light tried to untangle himself from Matsuda and L, only to find his head in Matsuda's lap. Light promptly screamed and knocked over Mello before he was able to turn off the friggen radio.
"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR!" both Mello and Matt wailed, glaring at Light. Well, Mello was actually glaring, Matt was glaring by way of the rear view mirror.
"Personal," twitch. "contact," twitch. Twitch.
L and Matsuda removed their hands from Light, who was twitching uncontrollably and foaming a bit at the mouth. Apparently too much gay sends him into some sort of fit.
"I believe our actions sent him into some sort of fit," L observed, poking Light, who just twitched even more.
"Should we poke him with a stick or something?" Matsuda asked.
Light, thinking perversely, howled and retreated to the floor, where he laid twitching and foaming in peace.
L shrugged, and Matsuda started to poke Light with a stick he kept in his carryon for occasions such as this one.
About thirty minutes later, Light was pulled from the car and down the sidewalk, still twitching, into a rather fancy hotel. Once they were inside, Mello slapped him a few times until he was acting normally. Well, normally for Light.
While he was getting up from the floor, he saw Watari walk in with a boy in pajamas. But the boy didn't walk in. No, he rolled in on a spinney chair, twirling his hair.
"AH! It's a bleached L!" Light yelled, still not in his right mind.
"Hahaha, Ohmygod, hahah! Good one, Twitch!" Mello laughed, doubling over in his hysterics.
The chair boy rolled over to their group.
"Hello. I am Near," Near stated, looking at the floor. Matsuda did a double take between L and Near, his head blurring and his mouth open.
Once Matsuda was done with that, he pointed at Near and yelled "OH MAH GAWD A SHEEP!"
Near face palmed, shaking his head at L.
"Don't look at me. Mello was the one that invited him," L defended, pointing at the leather-clad man.
"Hey! He's funny! And he called you a sheep! Hahah!" Mello laughed, Matt grinning a bit as well.
Light picked himself off of the ground and straightened his tie, trying to regain a bit of his dignity, if there was any left.
"I'm Light," he said, nodding at the boy, who did look quite a bit like a sheep, Light noticed.
"That's nice," Near said, completely ignoring him.
"And the stupid one is Matsuda," L added. Matsuda was now running around the lobby and sniffing things, knocking over lamps and other idiotic and asinine activities.
"He really should be kept on a leash," Light stated, watching Matsuda sniff a random old lady who hit him over the head with a newspaper.
"Good idea Light-kun!" L exclaimed, searching through his suitcase until he found a collar with a chain attached to it, or in other words, a seriously badass leash.
"Here Matsu!" L called, whistling like one might to a dog. Matsuda ran over to L and L secured the leash to his neck and gave the chain to Near.
"What am I supposed to do with this?" Near asked, holding the chain as if it had STDs.
"Make sure that Matsuda doesn't do anything too idiotic," Mello explained, slapping the boy on the back of the head as he walked by.
The lady who worked at the check-in desk had been having a very pleasant day. Her coffee was just right, her boyfriend had left her a cute little voicemail, and her boss hadn't yelled at her yet.
That all changed when she saw the party heading straight for her desk. There were two men who were handcuffed together, one of them looking very stylish, the other looking as if he was homeless. Behind them were a transvestite and his/her pimp, followed by a small sheepish boy in an office chair being pulled by a man on a leash. At the very end of this procession was an old man, who looked like the only normal person there.
"M-may I help you?" she stuttered.
"Ah, yes we have a reservation under the name 'Pocky'" the homeless man stated, placing a finger on his mouth.
"Pocky? Seriously, Ryuzaki?" the well dressed man chained to him asked. The other man just rolled his eyes.
"Are we getting our room anytime soon? I wanna go out and party already! It's my bachelor party, dammit!" the transvestite yelled.
"Our bachelor party, Mello," the pimp corrected, patting Mello on the shoulder.
"Whatever. Please show us our room, I believe Matsuda needs to relieve himself," the fluffy boy said, indicating the leash-man, who was knocking his legs together in the suggestion that he needed to use the bathroom.
This was all too much for the poor check-in girl, who was having a terrible nosebleed at the sheer hotness condensed in this one room, and she passed out from lack of blood flow to the brain.
Watari looked over the desk at the girl, bloody and passed out on the floor, grabbed their key cards, and found their room number.
"Room 931, gentlemen," Watari stated, passing out keys. The men then took the elevator up to the ninth floor, earning a few strange glances from other guests as they went.
It was going to be a long weekend.
(A/N – this is getting a bit out of hand . . . I'm sorry for this chapter being so crappy and random. I promise to restore Matsuda to his non-leashed self in the next chapter. And yes, the real Hangover storyline will begin in the next chapter. Can you guess who's Alan? His name starts with an M and ends with an atsuda.
And my writing style in this was a bit affected by the DN crackfic Bitch Stepped on My Floor Cake. I'm sorry . . . I was weak. BUT IT'S FLOORTASTIC!
Review if you've ever wondered what it would be like to ride the conveyor belt at an airport!)