Disclaimer: I don't own CM or any of the characters, same as usual, that's why it's called FAN fiction, not PRODUCER fiction or CBS fiction…
A/N: I honest-to-God dreamt this, so naturally I had to write it. I'm seriously considering contacting a therapist about my level of obsession with the show…Dreaming about it, really?
JJ/Reid friendship, no romance
"Oh, God…" JJ groaned as she collapsed onto a chair, her swollen belly protruding from her normally small frame. The watermelon-shaped thing she used to call her stomach (now it tended to be referred to as the very flattering 'Monster Beach Ball') was making it difficult for her to get comfortable, especially in the hard wooden chairs provided for them by the local PD.
Reid glanced over to where JJ was sitting and exchanged a concerned look with Morgan when she let out an exasperated huff, evidently having given up on trying to get comfortable, and flopped her head down onto a nearby desk in irritation.
"What's wrong with her?" he asked in a low voice, raising an eyebrow curiously.
"Some pregnant thing, probably," Morgan replied uneasily, not keen to discuss the many possible symptoms that could be ailing their colleague. "Maybe nausea?"
"Go ask her." Reid pushed his elbow, and Morgan stumbled forward a few feet before hastily stepping back, looking at Reid indignantly.
"What?" Reid asked. "All you have to do is ask her, what's the big deal?"
"Uh, the big deal is that last time I tried to ask about her wellbeing, she almost bit my head off! Not going through that again…" Morgan shook his head resolutely.
Reid pushed him harder, and Morgan gripped the edges of the desk behind him, planting his feet firmly on the floor to avoid budging an inch. Reid scowled. "We need to know if she can do the press conference! Go ask her!"
"So you don't just want me to ask a pregnant, hormonal woman who's prone to mood swings whether or not she's fine…no, you also want me to question if she's fit to do her job! Do you have any idea how long her lecture on feminism is going to be?"
"Feminism?" Reid repeated blankly, not seeing the connection.
"Dude, she'll spin it into me being sexist or some shit like that…like 'Derek Morgan, do you think that just because I happen to be pregnant that I can't do my job? When your leg is broken do I ask if you can profile or not? NO I do not!' And she'll go on for hours at me…" He shuddered. "Nope. No way. Not doin' it. Ask Hotch, if you want. Or," he added slyly, "go yourself."
Reid rolled his eyes. "Really, Morgan? It's just JJ…why would I be scared of her?"
"Of course, you wouldn't be," Morgan scoffed, "She's got a soft spot for you…"
The glare Reid sent his way could have frozen the sun nine times over. "Fine," he said icily. "I'll go ask her. It's not like it's such a big deal, anyway…" he added in a mumbled rant under his breath as he stalked- trying to act brave- over to where JJ was resting.
Remember, assess her mood first. She could be depressed, pissed at the world, serene, or on top of the world, Science-Reid said in his mind. The first two mean instant death, Self-Preservation-Reid added. You have no lives.
JJ lifted her head at his footsteps, giving him a tired smile. "Hey."
Reid let out his breath. She was in a good- well, you never knew, with JJ…she was definitely in an OK mood, at least…bordering on a good one.
Power ahead while it lasts! Self-Preservation-Reid ordered.
"Hi." He smiled, taking a deep breath. "I was just wondering…I mean, we- I saw you, you know, sitting here, and you looked…so we were, I mean, I was talking- not about you, of course, but about someone else and…are you okay?"
She raised an eyebrow but nodded. "Yeah. Just aches. I'll be good in a few minutes for the press conference."
He grinned, thankful that she had brought it up and he didn't have to ask her about it. "Okay, so that's, well, great, then. So I'll just…" He started to turn away but paused when he saw her wince. "Are you okay?" he asked again, concerned.
"Yeah, it's nothing, I'm fine," she insisted. "Just cramps."
"Yeah," she repeated through a tight-lipped smile, "Comes with the territory." She winced again and groaned, letting her breath out in a huff. "God, I hate being pregnant!"
Reid smiled wryly. "I don't think anybody really likes it…"
She ignored him, groaning again. "It's not even fair!"
He struggled to keep up. Okay, so now we've moved on to pissed-at-the-world. Stay calm and try to steer clear. "I'm sorry, what's not fair?"
"This!" She gestured to herself. "I'm. A. Planet! And I get these stupid back cramps- well, what do you expect when I'm carrying around a twenty-pound monster on me?"
He frowned at her words, but didn't comment, letting her continue.
"It's not even fair how women have to do it…why can't men?" She looked angrily at him, obviously expecting an answer.
Oh God. Now we've moved on to pissed-at-men. MUCH more dangerous territory.
"Well…" he started as calmly as possible, trying to manoeuvre around the minefield, "I think mainly because we don't have uteruses…"
"Don't patronize me," she growled at him. "I know men don't have uteruses! But you could still have babies!"
"I don't follow…"
"Transplants, Reid," she said, as if it was obvious. "Organ transplants. Uterus transplants, to be exact."
Leave it, Self-Preservation-Reid told him. Just drop it. NOW.
Oh, come on, she's so wrong it's a crime! Scientific-Reid argued back.
"JJ," he said carefully, "Let's just say for a minute this could happen. So is the man supposed to, ah, engage in sexual intercourse with himself?" He was blushing bright red.
JJ was completely calm. "No, of course not! You're so stupid sometimes. Look, what happens is the man and woman have sex, and then they put the uterus in the guy's body." She searched the police station with a critical eye. "All I need is someone to take the baby from me."
"I think Will would be the obvious choice here," Reid said, slightly amused now. Her flashing eyes quickly killed any humour in the situation.
"Well Will's not here, is he?"
"Yes, sorry, of course, my mistake…"
She was appeased for a few seconds before starting up again. "I really hate being pregnant. Hey! What if," her eyes sparkling with excitement, "you took it from me?"
Reid spluttered, and nearly choked on his own spit. "I…what?"
"Oh come on, Reid! Don't you want to be the first male to give birth? You'd be a medical breakthrough! You could be the stepping stone to a completely new field of science- they might even name it after you! Reidiology." She tested the name out a few times before beaming. "I like it."
He was speechless. Both Scientific-Reid and Self-Preservation-Reid were, for once, silent in shock.
JJ winced as another cramp hit her, still working everything out. "Yeah, so after we get back, I can talk to a doctor and then we can…Ow! God, I really hate being pregnant. I don't even want to be pregnant…"
"You don't?" he asked, his interest piqued.
"No!" she said roughly, annoyed. "I hate being pregnant. That's why you're taking it for me. You be pregnant, and you go through the morning sickness, and the swelling and the dizziness and the cramps…And I'll just enjoy my life. But," she added as an afterthought, "you have to give the baby back after you give birth."
"What?" he spluttered.
"Well, yeah," she said apologetically, shrugging. "Sorry. But I'll want the baby. I just don't want the nine months before it... three months, now."
"So let me get this straight." Reid took a calming breath, knowing there was no point arguing but irrationally incensed. "You want me, and let's keep in mind that I was not the one who got you pregnant, you want me to take your baby. And go through an operation. And all that other…stuff. And labour. You want me to push a baby out of…you know what, I don't even know where! And then I don't even get to keep the baby?"
"Well, no…" JJ said, looking contrite. "But you'd be paid, of course."
"You know. All the doctors and people who'd be happy for the medical breakthrough."
"Thanks, JJ," Reid said, looking disgusted. "Thanks a lot. Takes a hypothetical uterus transplant to let you know who your real friends are."
She looked suitably abashed. "Fine. You can have shared custody then. But he'll still live with me and Will."
"So what will I do then, exactly?" Reid asked. "Just to clarify?"
"Well you could come visit," JJ offered. "And I suppose a few sleepovers wouldn't hurt. If you had shared custody," she pursed her lips, "then I think it would be fair to say that you'd have to pay for his upbringing as well."
"But that's not shared custody!" Reid argued. "That's him living with you, and me paying for it! That's not even…wait…" He stopped as he replayed their conversation mentally. "He?"
"Yes, didn't I tell you?" JJ asked in surprise, reaching into her bag and pulling out a picture. "The latest sonogram said it's a boy." She was glowing proudly, and he noted with satisfaction that her mood had switched to serene.
"A boy? Really?" He was, for some reason, genuinely delighted with the news. "That's great, JJ! Congratulations!"
She fixed a stern stare on him. "I hope you're not suggesting that a girl would have been-"
"No! No no no. Not at all," he corrected hastily. "Just…wow, a boy! Knowing the gender just makes it seem more…" He struggled to find the right word.
"Real, I know." JJ smiled affectionately at the sonogram.
"Yeah." He smiled at her. "Really, congratulations."
"Thank you," she blushed. "Sorry if I snapped at you a little, I was just…"
"Venting, I know." He chuckled suddenly, remembering their conversation. "Don't worry about it."
"Thanks. And," she looked slyly at him, "just for the record, men aren't pregnant because they're wusses."
Reid laughed despite himself. "Duly noted."
A few minutes later, Reid met Morgan by the vending machine.
"So how'd it go?"
"Um…" Reid thought for a second. "Well, she decided that men should be able to get pregnant, and that I was a suitable person to have a uterus transplant and give birth to her son for her. And then she made me pay for his whole life, and-"
"Never mind. I don't wanna know."
Review! Maddie xxx
P.S. One main reason I decided to write this is because when I don't have any new fics to READ, I turn to writing. Because you people have given me BARELY ANY UPDATES ALL SUMMER. And I am bored out of my mind. So update! All of you!
(And I will update MY stories in a couple of months/years/decades. It's just you who is obligated to update :P)