I felt that the first part of this is pretty choppy. Sorry, my heart wasn't so much into the fighting so it's pretty suckish.

s

iii: nightmares

An arrow shot past me, missing me and penetrating the neck of the rouge mage before me. I looked down at the mage-induced burns in annoyance before sending a nod to Sebastian.

The wine cellar was by now devoid of thieves, Carver throwing his arms (and broadsword) into the air with a joyous shout.

Which was loud enough to alert the thieves a couple of rooms over. I shot Carver a look as Anders came to my side quickly, his hand glowing blue as it rested on my burn. The pain receded almost immediately. My eyes caught the sight on an enemy and I pushed Anders behind me, deflecting an arrow meant for him.

Throwing a dagger at the man (and efficiently ending him) I glanced back at Anders. "Thank you, but wait till we're safe before healing."

I could easily decipher his look ("It's you. You can't expect me not to come to your rescue any chance I get.") but tried to ignore it. I couldn't help that little feeling surging up in me, the happiness of someone caring for my well-being.

I retrieved my dagger after taking down another archer and kicked a rogue that had been stalking me in the shadows. He fell back, hacking up blood.

A deathly calm came over me, like it always did when I became a reaper. Sending the souls of the enemy to Hell.

It seemed that the sounds of our struggles had caught the attention of all the thieves in the building. But with my large group, there wasn't a possible way that they could take us.

It was over in a matter of fifth teen minutes.

Bethany huffed, wiping at the sweat on her forehead and it looked like Sebastian was out of arrows.

Carver looked like he wanted to continue fighting and Anders kept sneaking glances my way as if he wanted to check to make sure I was okay.

We looted the men and I found the key we needed. I tossed it to Bethany (she was glowing with excitement. It would be better if she got to open it herself) and she led the way up the stairs to the safe.

….

…

..

.

Bodies everywhere. The signs of violence were everywhere. From the broken concrete to the walls where blood was painted. I panted, the last standing.

I crumpled to the ground, my sobs too urgent, too needed, to be silenced. I screamed, madness surrounding me. I gripped my head, tasting salty tears.

His body lay a few feet before me but it felt like miles away. I crawled to him, slowly, painfully. I slid my lap under his heavy head, stroking his face, his hair.

I had felt my sanity ebbing away when I'd confronted him, several hours before this atrocity. In my anger, I'd forgotten my carefully constructed facade, the secret underneath.

Everyone that I'd known as friend had looked on in horror.

My skin had hummed with the elements, fire dominating and making me glow in the growing darkness.

After I realized what I'd done, after I'd come to the conclusion that I could not kill Anders, Fenris was the first to speak.

"All this time. All this time, the one I trusted most was a mage?" His green eyes had begged. Pleaded for me to say it was an illusion.

He was the first to leave, betrayal flashing in his eyes.

Sebastian's crystal eyes looked dull. He promised that, now knowing what I was, he would not send his army. He would leave, leave and never look back. He still had that look in his eyes, my rejection still fresh.

Anders stood by, finally understanding. Only he remained.

And when the world stopped and the Gallows destroyed, he was gone, too.

I lifted my dagger, allowing the smooth metal to rest against my throat. I looked down at his lifeless body.

"I'll be with you soon."

I pressed, a thin line of blood spilling. I took one last breath and a hand gripped mine, forcing the dagger away from my neck.

.

..

…

….

"What in Andraste's name are you doing?"

I shot up, my trusty dagger pointed to the intruder, scaring Sebastian slightly before he rushed to my bathroom and came out, a towel in hand.

He pressed it to my neck, forcing the dagger out of my hand. I noticed it was coated with crimson. My blood.

"Oh, Maker!" I cried, putting a hand over his large one, applying more pressure. I pulled away from him, getting out of my bed, only in my small clothes, pulling a rich red bottle from my desk drawler. I downed half of the potion, turning my back to Sebastian, hand to my neck. Making sure he wouldn't see, I pulled on my magic and healed my neck. I turned back, wiping at the blood on my collar bone, my neck clean of injury.

"That's quite the potion," he remarked, a bit of red on his cheeks.

I looked down, recalling that I had less on than I usually did but shrugged it off, going for nonchalance to downplay my nightmare. I did not need someone trying to understand why I'd tried to kill myself.

"You've seen women in their small clothes, Sebastian. Most likely less." I sent him a pointed look.

He gulped noticeably and looked around the room for anything to stare at besides me. He almost settled his gaze on the bed, the blankets twisted and wrinkled from sleep, and hastily looked to the fireplace, his face the color of his hair.

He was incredibly easy to read. I couldn't help the giggle and he looked back to me, keeping his eyes on mine as he walked forward and took the cloth from my fingers.

"You're going to rub yourself raw," he stated as he dipped the cloth into the basin, squeezing out the excess water, turning the remaining pink. With the flex of his index finger, he motioned me towards him. I moved forward and once in range, he proceeded to clean my collarbone gently.

Despite the tension I felt, waiting for him to ask, the soft strokes of the cloth made me shiver slightly, Sebastian's eyes cutting to me. The look in those crystal eyes... if he wasn't a choirboy, I'd say he was looking at me with bedroom eyes. (Well, we were in the bedroom. And he hasn't tried anything. I couldn't help but curse the Maker and his chantry and his vows of chastity.)

His eyes dropped after a moment and concentrated on cleaning. His patience must be huge, to not have uttered a single question about the unconscious suicide attempt.

Finished, he draped the cloth on the basin. "Your mother told me to wake you for breakfast." He glanced at my bed again. "I'm glad I rushed."

I had been so sure he'd ask that I'd already been prepared to tell him the truth. Well, a half-truth. So prepared that I reached out and grasped his sleeve when he stepped towards the door.

"Wait," I said, my voice cracking. (Really, if he didn't even ask, I shouldn't tell, right? Am I just that stupid?) "Don't you- er- want to know?"

His feet, still facing the door, turned slightly back in my direction but he didn't look at me. The way he held himself, tense, hands clenched, made me wonder just what he was thinking.

When he spoke, it came out forcefully. "Yes. Of course I do. But I've no claim to be intitled to that information. I thought, perhaps, you'd rather speak with the mage."

Just mentioning him, the reason for causing that self inflicted wound, made my body shake as tears came to my eyes.

I still, to this day, do not understand why the dreams continued to plague me. With Bethany's help, we had brought him back from the dead, Justice giving his life to save his host. He and Bethany left soon after.

I think it was the knowledge of losing him entirely. It wasn't long after I took the role of Vicountess that a letter arrived...

...Announcing the union of my sister and Anders.

I came back to myself when I was crushed into Sebastian's breastplate, his arms wrapping around me, strong and protective. The tears streamed freely and I clung to him, fighting for that physical tie that kept me here.

This was real.

He was real.

No one was dead.

Yet.

…

…

….

Why was I so weak? Not one week ago, I found myself in this same situation, breaking when confronted by the past (future?) and clinging to the nearest person.

This time it was Sebastian, someone I wanted to respect me. There goes that.

After the tears subsided, I stayed in his embrace, tense and waiting for him to push me away, as if he'd just remembered I was a woman and he vowed to chastity. He made no move to let me go though. My head rested in the indention where his shoulder and neck met, arms wrapped around his waist. I could feel one of his hands making lazy symbols on my bare back and the other running its fingers through my hair.

My face felt hot. This was the largest amount of affection he'd ever given me. It certainly caught me off guard.

Searching for an excuse to be released (I really could not think inside those arms), it took me a second to remember his purpose for waking me. Breakfast.

Taking a deep breath, I relaxed my grip on his clothing and eased myself out of his arms. I felt a stab of disappointment. He didn't look at all like he enjoyed consoling me or sad to have me out of his arms (though, I supposed, who would?) and wouldn't look me in the eye.

Was he ashamed to have held me? Was he angry because he put his vow in danger?

I bit the inside of my cheek. The fast I told him, the faster he'd be out of my room. It was the least I could do seeing that I'd made him unhappy and uncomfortable with my ridiculous bawling.

I looked away, mad at my weakness. He would never respect me.

"A nightmare. It's been awhile since I last cut myself..."

I hoped that was good enough for him. If it was, he could leave and I could bemoan my existence.

I could hear his teeth grinding. "Awhile? It's happened before?"

I could almost hear his thoughts Weak. Pathetic. Attempting suicide, the Maker will damn her soul. She's incapable of withstanding any pressure or stress. Better run back to the Chantry before I do something I regret.

"It's a memory. This hasn't happened in a year. But today... I believe it's the anniversary. I'd forgotten."

I'd pushed the thoughts away, wishing I'd died that day. It was selfish of me. So despicable that I wished Anders and I had died together. Then my sister would have never taken him from me.

"Forgot?" He finally looked at me, anger aglow in his eyes. "You forgot that you attempted to end your life!"

He tried capturing my shoulders, probably to shake me, but I moved back quickly, evading him.

"What the hell were you thinking!"

"Don't you dare." My throat had started to close up and it came out a whisper. Forceful and deadly. "Don't you dare judge me, you hypocrite! I had lost everything- family, friends, lover, home. I had nothing left! I was living a dying life..." My anger cleared for a sudden moment of clarity.

Shit.

I'd said too much again. My anger had gotten the best of me and I'd said far too much. Let on more than what was safe.

I gulped, avoiding his eyes. "Please inform my mother I will not be at breakfast."

I spun quickly, going to my dresser and pulled out my light leather armor, something I wore around town where the only threats were thugs.

I started dressing despite that he could be watching. I heard his footsteps but it wasn't toward the door. He stopped just behind me, his breath fanning the back of my neck. Goosebumps rose on my arms.

"Family?" he asked, whispering into my ear. "What do you mean, you lost your family? They're downstairs."

"Sebastian. Trust me when I say you don't want to understand. You think you do, but you'll only regret it."

I finished clasping the front and he turned me slowly til I was facing him. He came closer, invading my personal space, until my back hit the dresser. His hands rose, pressing themselves on either side of my head in a dominating manner.

"I want to know everything, Hawke." His rough brogue sent shivers down my spine, making me want to tell him. "If it's about you, I want to know everything."

I sighed, deciding it really was no use. It seemed it would only be a matter of time before everyone knew. (I knew I couldn't allow that. I would only let these two know. They would be the only ones. I hoped.) But it was so hard keeping the act up.

Ducking below his arm, I went to my bed post and lend against it, earning myself breathing room.

I took a deep breath and proceeded to spin my tale, not quite giving all the details, like my secret of being a mage, my lovelife, or the epic war between templars and mages. Only that it was bad enough to return.

Sebastian more or less accepted it. "You did act as if we were longtime friends," he said.

I winked. "Not yet."

Author's note. You notice how all the love interests all have these huge character flaws?

Fenris- One, his markings burn if you touch him. He's got to be in a lot of pain in a serious make out session. Two, he's a quiet, broody jerk when he wants to be. Three, he won't shut up about how evil mages are. Yes, Fenris, we love you very much. Yes, we apologize for your hard life. But you are a FREE man now and can do whatever the ef you want now. Not all mages are evil, as Hawke has certainly portrayed. I mean, you've never seen her fall under the spell of a demon and turn on her friends in the fade, right? And pretty much everyone else did! (Well, Anders didn't, but there was only two demons attempting to tempt people. If there had been three, I would have probably been out of luck.)

Anders- He's all push, push, push away! I'm a horrible human being, only I have Justice in me, so I'm not really a human being. I'm a demon. I want you, but I would drown us in blood to keep you safe. So don't come near me, but you still have to help me out. Oh, and that noise just now? Yeah. I used you to destroy the Chantry.

I was playing DA2 and I knew it would happen, but I still screamed, "DAMMIT, ANDERS!"

Sebastian- He's wonderful. He has no faults, a sexy Scottish accent, extremely hot, and he's a prince. But oh. Wait.

He's taken a vow of chastity and it's all about the Maker all the time and if you want to be with him you've got to become a sister in the faith and LET'S PRAY TOGETHER. But we'll never do it. Cause it's a chaste marriage.

Somewhere, the creators are laughing at my pain. They so did it on purpose.

(I realized this after seeing DA:2 Romance by DrHitpoint, an amazing picture on DeviantArt. Check it out!)

THAT'S WHERE I COME IN AND CHANGE EVERYTHING WITH THIS FIC!~

Yay. That's my rant. This chapter's about four pages long and revolves around Hawke and Sebastian. Next will be about retrieving Fenris! (He likes to bitch, but I can't help but love him for it.) See you then!

Hey... anyone know a good beta? I'm thinking I should get one, yes?

...

AH. Reviews.

Mysterious Panther: Yes, and yes! Saw your review and now look where we are! I finished it! Woot! Thanks for the review:) I really appreciate it!

Ronin Kenshin: Thanks:) Hope you enjoy this one, too!

BloodyOrchid: I wasn't going to have any fighting scene, I like to skip a bit. But since it sounded like you'd enjoy it, I included a bit of the Hawke estate clean up. (Hawke later goes to the Keep, and buys it off the Vicount... For cheap, she does know how to barter... and threaten. Heheh) And five times? You read this five times? I LOVE YOU. Thanks for taking the time to read it so much and review:)

theifkingbakura1: Thanks:) Me likey thumbs up.

Those who call me T.I.M.: (Does T.I.M. stand for anything? I've been wondering...) I, myself, enjoy F!Hawke/Fenris more than the others, (Sebastian next then Anders) and will have a whole bunch of all three. But, not even I know who will get the girl in the end. Depends on the amvs I watch I guess. Hahaha. Yeah, I get some of my inspiration from AMVs. It's a good way to relax and not stress out about where the story is going. (I know where it's going. But you don't. MWAHAH.)

Reviews can only make me happier! (And make me review faster.) See you guys soon!