Equestria: The Adventures of Sniper and Heavy
Sure, the Engineer's new teleporter worked well…
Prologue: Test Subjects
There were no matches that day and Sniper appreciated the change of pace in his godforsaken life. He never bothered counting the days, months and years he had been in RED team but it sure felt like an eternity, especially with all the bloodshed, deaths and being controlled by a mysterious cynical woman.
It was a particularly hot afternoon in their base at Dustbowl and everyone was busy with their own thing. Most of them had gathered in the recreation room with the exception of the Engineer, Medic and Heavy Weapons Guy. Sniper was sure that the Engineer was using Heavy as his test subject for another new experiment of his and the Medic was there to clean up the mess should Heavy gets hurt. Not that Sniper bothered though.
He sat on a ruined couch with a mug of water in his hand. Behind the dark shades were two sharp eyes darting about as the Sniper assessed his team mates. Scout was playing table tennis with Pyro, Soldier was seated next to him with a remote control in his hand as he flipped through the television channels in search of a program worthy of his time, Spy was seated at the dinner table and fiddled with his butterfly knife with amazing dexterity and Demoman was being drunk as usual. The Scottish demolitions expert was laying face first on the floor next to the dinner table with an empty bottle of Scrumpy in his right hand.
"Those BLU maggots are up to something. I can feel it in my guts," Soldier said gruffly and turned off the television. "They're plotting against us, see!" he said while jabbing Sniper's arm roughly.
"Go bother someone else, wanka," Sniper growled. "I'm having a relaxing day and I don't need your concerns."
"Sniper's right, Major Malfunction, it ain't everyday we getta relax," Scout added.
"Relax? I bet that's what BLU wants us to do! When they catch us off guard, they're gonna slit our throats and gun us down on the spot! Oh no, they're not plotting against us, not on my watch, see! You maggots better thank me for saving your asses when it happens!" Soldier said and grabbed his rocket launcher from the weapons rack before leaving the recreation room.
"What's his problem?" Scout asked no one in particular.
"That simpleton has nothing in his mind but fighting," Spy answered. "He always thinks BLU is plotting against us."
"They do that all the time, we do that all the time, I don't see a reason for being worked up," Sniper remarked and took a sip of water from his mug.
Suddenly, a white ping pong ball smashed into his left eye and the Sniper dropped his mug in surprise. He glared at the Scout as he gave the Sniper an embarrassed grin along with a shrug. The Sniper retrieved his mug and put it on a coffee table next to the ruined couch.
"I'm going to do some shooting down at the firing range," said the Sniper.
He went to the weapons locker to retrieve his trusty rifle, sub-machine gun and kukri with him. The feeling of paranoia was overwhelming because after experiencing so many deaths in battle (especially getting stabbed in the back by the BLU Spy), he felt safer with full gear. Besides, he seldom left the base without a complete gear. Sniper felt that BLU was resting too but he was not taking any chances, not when the Soldier was about to stir up the hive.
Sniper never understood how each time he died, he would just return to life again with no wounds and full gear. Maybe Mann Co. had some special machine developed so they could repair the bodies of dead people but dying was no fun at all. It was scary the first few times but years of fighting against BLU, dying and respawning, death became a rather dull prospect and a part of his daily life. He would never have any peace unless he is released from his duty.
The top of the mining tower was his favorite spot to sit alone, wait for an enemy and snipe them. Today was different though. With no matches going on, the tower was a good spot for some peace and quiet. He had a Razorback hidden up there as well as some of his personal stash such as a picture of his family, his high school photo and an Elephant Gun which he never uses (it was just a reminder of his great grandfather who hunted elephants with the gun). The tower offered a good vantage point and a nice vista of the surrounding desert. He lied about going to the shooting range; he never wanted to. He only needed some peace and quiet.
There was a dirty old mattress next to the conveyor belt and since the Sniper was feeling a bit tired, he decided to take a nap. Just when he thought he could get some peace and quiet, his walkie-talkie sounded and the Engineer's voice came from the other end.
"Hey, Sniper, I need ya down here in the lab for a moment," Engineer said.
"I was about to take a nap you bloody…" the Sniper grumbled and retrieved his walkie-talkie strapped to his utility belt. "I'm coming," Sniper responded gruffly.
"Much obliged," Engineer remarked.
The Sniper retrieved his sniper rifle and slung it across his shoulder. He climbed down the tower and headed for the makeshift lab which was located not far from the spawn point. When Sniper entered the lab, he saw Engineer fixing a strange-looking circular object which resembled the teleporter. Heavy was on it while the Medic stood next to Heavy with his medigun ready.
"Ah, glad ya could make it, partner," Engineer said when he saw Sniper standing at the door. "I was about to test a new advanced mass teleporter which could teleport up to five of us in one shot into BLU territory without the need of another teleporter at the other end. If it works, we would have one heck of an advantage over BLU team."
"And I'm just the test subject?" Sniper asked.
"Um…ya could put it that way," Engineer muttered, "But don't worry, this is perfectly safe, I can assure ya that," he added hastily.
"Vat about ze cat, professor? Ze one zat vas blown into – " Medic was cut midsentence by a glare from the Engineer.
"It's perfectly safe so just stand next to Heavy will ya?" Engineer said and pushed Sniper towards the teleporter.
Sniper nearly lost his footing after his left foot caught the side of the teleporter but Heavy caught him just in time with his strong hands.
"Thanks mate," Sniper said while looking at Heavy.
"We make good team, da?" Heavy responded.
"So why is Medic here? You said the teleporter was safe," Sniper said while pointing a finger at Medic.
"Well…I uh…did say it was safe but…it's better safe than sorry," Engineer answered but Sniper caught a hint of fibbing in his tone.
The Medic seemed eager about something as Sniper caught him smiling slyly at them. If Sniper had not known better, Medic must be anticipating wounds and a body to work on. Sniper did not like it one bit.
"If ya'll would be kind enough to stand still, this test won't take too long. If it works, ya'll should be inside the BLU base," Engineer said as he prepared to power up the teleporter.
"You sending us to assault the BLU base? This isn't enough, mate," Sniper remarked.
"Nope, ya ain't assaulting BLU base. Just pop in and bug out," Engineer said casually.
Engineer powered up the teleporter and as energy slowly engulfed the two, a BLU spy uncloaked behind the Engineer and placed an electro-sapper onto his mass teleporter controller unit. The Engineer screamed in horror while the BLU Spy dropped the body of the Soldier in front of Engineer.
"Sorry to 'pop in' in unannounced but I do believe he belongs to you. If you're planning to infiltrate our base, I'm afraid that won't work," BLU Spy remarked and flicked a cigarette butt at Engineer.
"That bloody wanka!" Sniper said angrily and lifted his rifle.
"It's a holiday so I'm not interested in a fight but I suggest you keep away from our base and restrain this simpleton. Au revoir," BLU SPY said in a mocking tone and disappeared into thin air when he activated his cloaking device.
"Help now, we are stuck!" Heavy cried out when he found out that he could not step out of the energy field.
Engineer did his best to stop the energy field from engulfing the two but it was futile. The electro-sapper did a lot of damage to the control unit and rendered it unresponsive. The Medic seemed concerned and quickly tossed Heavy's weapon into the teleporter. Strangely, it could pass through the ever-strengthening energy field.
"If you teleport to ze Amazons, vatch out for ze piranhas!" Medic called out.
Heavy grabbed his weapon nodded his slowly. He was expecting the worst as the Engineer could do nothing to shut down the teleporter. The Sniper felt confused but he kept his cool and kept his weapon.
"You're going to pay for this," Sniper muttered and disappeared along with Heavy in a bright flash of light.
When the light receded, the energy field had dissipated and all that was left was the smell of ionized air and the powering down of the teleporter. Engineer was silent for five seconds before banging his gloved fist onto the sapped control unit.
"Dagit nagit nabit dagit!" he cursed loudly while banging the control unit.
"Vhere do you think zey have gone to?" Medic asked.
"I dunno! They could be teleported anywhere around the world or worse, an alternate reality!" Engineer replied angrily.
"So…vhat do ve do now?" Medic asked some more while lowering his medigun.
Engineer took deep breaths to calm himself down and wiped the sweat that accumulated on his face. He stared at the control unit for a while and tapped a finger thoughtfully. Engineer quickly removed the electro-sapper and retrieved his wrench and toolbox.
"I might be able to salvage the memory unit. If we're lucky, we can retrieve the coordinates of the receiving end. This may take a few days…" Engineer said and went to work.
Sniper felt like he was falling through an endless tunnel and as he tumbled and spun around, he could see what seemed like horses, no, ponies flash before his eyes. He tried to spot Heavy but tumbling made it hard to focus. He spread his arms and legs wide like a sky diver in an attempt to slow his spin and stop it completely. It worked and it did not take long for him to regain his bearings. Sniper looked around for Heavy once more but there was no sign of him. Instead, he only spotted Heavy's sandvich tumbling beside him.
"That lard bucket dropped his sandvich. I think I better keep it," Sniper said to himself and reached out his hand to grab it.
Sniper looked below him and saw light at the end of the tunnel, literally. He did not give it much thought and just went through the light, not wanting to know what was at the other side. He closed his eyes when the light got so bright that his shades could not block it all. After what felt like an eternity of freefalling through a tunnel, Sniper emerged at the other side of the bright light. He opened his eyes slowly and saw that he was falling straight into a river. Immediately, he changed his skydiver stance into a diver's stance because spreading eagle would hurt a lot if smacked onto the surface of the water. His right hand grabbed onto his hat and seconds later, he splashed into the river like a missile.
The water was deep enough to slow him down and prevent him from hitting the riverbed but the current was so strong that he found it hard to swim. He bobbed to the surface a few times only to be sucked back into the river again. Sniper never thought he would die this way and just as he was about to accept his fate, something grabbed him by the back of his shirt and lifted him to the surface. Sniper took a deep breath of air just as his face emerged from the water and he felt himself being placed onto dry land. Sniper coughed a few times to get rid of the water that went into his lungs and blew his nose as well.
"Are you alright?" his rescuer asked.
"You've done me a favor, mate, thank…you…"
Sniper could not believe what he was looking at. He found himself staring at what seemed to be a giant purple serpent with moustache and hair. Sniper thought he was dreaming but even after blinking his eyes and rubbing it (he even tried pinching himself), the serpent was still there and it was smiling at it. Sniper lifted a finger and pointed at the gigantic serpent. His mouth was open but no words came out from it.
"You like my hair? It's the latest fashion you know," the serpent said in a very flamboyant manner when he thought the Sniper was pointing at his hair.
"What the hell are you?" Sniper asked when words finally came out from his open mouth.