The Perfect Silhouette
"An imperfect body reflects an imperfect person."
"1,2,3" she said aloud. Sam stood in front of her cracked full length mirror in her room. She had long ago removed her shirt and sweat pants, leaving them discarded in a heap on the floor by her feet.
She repeated the number's again aloud before taking a deep breath in, sticking her chest out, pushing the fat from her stomach up into her rib cage, making the allusion that she was smaller than the disgusting display that started back at her. The mirror's eyes flashed deviously for a moment, shocking Sam a bit, for she knew that she had in fact not made it herself.
She backed up slightly, just far enough to 'admire' the thin hollowed out image of her stomach. It was a beautiful sight in her mind, the perfect curves and the bumpy ripplely terrain that was her stomach was now flat, the ribs an inch above poking out; reassuring her that perfection was close.
Her lungs squeezed together, and her head became dizzy from lack of oxygen. She gave herself one last glance over before releasing the breath she was holding, watching the reflection she was so proud of unravel into a huge lumpy and jiggly mess. Groaning she let her body go limp, weak from the air she had refused to give her lungs, and fell backwards onto the hardwood floor, the crunch of the wrappers beneath her, making loud rustles in her ears.
Feeling short of breath she closed her eyes for a moment, breathing hard and loud, gasping every few minutes to steady the thumping in her brain and the tight pounding in her chest.
She reached her hand up to the large mountain she called her stomach, grazing her hands along the bottom on her chest, from the edge of her bra, her fingers lightly over the enormous bulge, dipping her fingers into the creases and over her rolls until she made it to the edge of her panties.
She clenched her hands around the mass, fingers digging into her skin painfully; it was almost like she was hoping that she could fully grab it into her hands and off her body. Tears started to form in her eyes, her baby blues darkening under the thick water.
She hissed as her fingers continued to bore into her delicate skin, her finger nails bending and breaking, the skin under them, making them bleed. Bending her head back in pain, the wrinkle and crunch of the empty junk food wrappers under her echoed in her ears reminding her of what she had just done.
She could feel the crumbs stuck in her teeth as she ran her tounge along them, and the guilty bitter taste in her mouth. It was sickeningly sweet but a heavenly relief her to abused stomach. It was beginning to be a challenge to keep any food in her stomach for a long period of time, either by choice or by force.
Two months, it had been a long two months since this had started, and she had done, in her opinion, a marvellous job at hiding it. Though it wasn't much of a challenge because the three closest people to her where not only the nicest, but also the most dense to the true horror's around them. It was like they lived in their own world, full of bubble gum and cotton candy, which when Sam thought about it made her feel even more sick to her stomach.
It all started those long two months ago when those shirts came out, the ones that told her she wasn't pretty enough, wasn't good enough, wasn't beautiful enough, wasn't skinny enough.
And it was engraved into her brain ever since.
Carly had went out and bought them when they first came out, saying it was the newest trend and that everyone was going to be wearing them at school the next day. She had, being a good friend, bought Sam one as well, saying they would look so cute together walking down the hallway. She herself had questioned the shirts at first, knowing in the back of her mind that this wasn't something she wanted to be a part of, but she put that little nagging feeling into the back of her mind, hoping it would get lost in the mess of everything else, but it never did.
She hated that shirt.
Carly had gotten extra smalls for the both of them, and it had complimented her so well. The tight fit clung to her perfect figure, outlining her curves, making them look more defined. It was tight around her small chest, giving them the illusion that they were larger. Her hips curved out more, the gray of the shirt complementing her beautiful skin tone, matching the light blush in her cheeks.
She couldn't help but glare at the perfect girl in front of her. She was so embarrassed of herself, the shirt didn't fit like hers did, it didn't complement her body, didn't bring out her natural curves or brighten her complexion, no, it made her look fat.
The extreme tight fit flattened her chest out, making her look boxy and flat, not to mention uncomfortable. It didn't outline and enhance her curves but blew up every roll and every indent, and made her obvious muffin top more prominent. The light gray colour made her look washed out and pale, her blue eyes looked dull and lifeless, unlike Carly's bright sparkly ones.
Moving her head over to the side, she could still see that shirt, draped over the side of her dresser, the memories of that day stuck to them like glue.
She and Carly had worn them to school the next day, Carly feeling confident as always, and Sam hiding in her overly large zip up hoodie. Almost every girl in school was wearing them, just like Carly predicted, boys complementing their girlfriends on how they looked, others disgusted by the sight. Freddie had given them both disapproving looks when they had walked into school, Carly complaining on how he didn't know anything about fashion and going on and on about how good she looked in it.
It wasn't that moment when she realized that she needed to change; it was lunch later that day. Carly had grabbed her before lunch, practically forcing her out of her hoodie, saying that she should show off that beautiful body to the world. The moment she had stepped into the cafeteria she felt the world stop. She felt as if every eye was on her, starting at her body, their eyes laughing, looking over every imperfection and comparing her to the beautiful shining girl beside her.
Her head began to spin, the echoes of their laughing eyes rang through her head, making her immediately reach her arms around her body, and sucked in as much fat as she could and walked closely behind Carly, afraid one of their judging eyes would spot her.
Sitting down for lunch she set her brown paper bag down onto the table, unloading the lunch Carly had made for her that morning. Three ham sandwiches, two puddings cups, four fat cakes, two bags of mini Barbeque chips and 3 juice packets. It was a lot.
From beside her she could hear snickers, they were muffled, so whomever was making them were trying to cover them up. Turning her head towards the sound she spotted three girls, wearing the same gray t-shirt with the same white writing, with the same evil words written on them. They were all looking at her, their eyes moving from her to the large amount of food placed in front of her.
Ignoring them she went back to her conversation with Carly and her dorky friend, well slightly dorky friend, even she couldn't deny it, even though physically he didn't look that was, mentally he was still that small little nerdy boy.
They hadn't even noticed that she wasn't paying attention as she began to literally almost shove food into her mouth. Carly looked over at her, shaking her head, amused and slightly grossed out, Freddie looking at her also, stopping his conversation with her, looking just about as disgusted, but didn't say anything as he looked back over to Carly and started their conversation once again. Even her closest friends were disgusted by her, but she was just so hungry, so she continued to eat, but at a slower pace.
A few minutes before lunch was due to be over, the snicker girls, who hadn't let up at all during lunch got up, placing their almost none existent lunches in the trash. The tall brunette looked over at her, sensing her eyes on her, she nudged her two other friends, pointing slightly over at her and laughed.
The shorter brunette started grabbing at nothing, but making the gestures as that she was in fact grabbing some fat and jiggling it around, obviously trying to make the silent comment to her. The bother two laughing as another one patted her stomach, signalling that she had a beautiful flat tummy, than stopping, moving one of her hands to point to the loud white letters on her shirt, the tallest one taking her left index finger and started moving it in and out of her mouth, making gestures as if she was puking.
The bell finally rang and Sam hadn't felt so thankful to hear that noise, and quickly got up, every piece of food and every drop of liquid gone. She hadn't bothered to clean up her garbage, always saying that it was what janitors were for, and quickly left, not saying one word to Carly or Freddie, leaving them with questioning looks.
She hadn't meant to do it the first time, she hadn't sat around and thought about it, she hardly knew what was happening at the time, but she couldn't stop it either. Her head started pounding, and her hands twitched, her breath felt like it was stuck in her throat, and it was like her stomach was on fire, she felt it lurch, and she coughed, covering her mouth.
The girls laughing, their perfect little body's taunting her, Carly's beautiful figure and bright eyes, the judging eyes of everyone in the cafeteria, her reflection in the mirror, the lumps, the bumps, the dents, the fat, the fat, the FAT!
She couldn't take it anymore, the bathroom so close and so comforting, so safe form their eyes.
And that was the first time it happened, the first time she let herself go and be weak.
Two months later things still hadn't changed, she was still weak, and the eyes still judged her, and that reflection in the mirror caught up with her.
She knew that the puking wasn't going to do much, it would keep her maybe at a steady weight, but it wasn't guaranteed that she wouldn't gain form it. So she had taken up watching when she was eating and what she was eating, and who she was eating in front of. She was always careful to make sure that she was eating just enough in front of friends to not cause any suspicion but not too much as to have enough digested that releasing it later would make a positive difference. After all, vomiting after eating only gets ride of 50% of what you have consumed.
It all started as strict dieting, she would only eat in front of friends, and she would control herself alone, but it started getting harder and harder and soon the tension and craving set in, so much that it was all she could think about, it was so powerful that she began to sweat and tear up, she couldn't resist what was forbidden, and gave in. With the all-or-nothing mind set, she felt her diet slip and went into the zone of total failure. It was only one Fat Cake, only one, but the notion of the fact she had already blown it came in, and that she might as well go for it….that was the first week.
She cried so hard after that, she ate much more than she had ever thought she could, she had spent all of the little savings she had and went down the Jiffy Mart and bought 50 dollars' worth of food.
The happiness was so short lived, her stomach was happy for the first few boxes and bags of candy, but soon she began to feel full, tears came down her cheeks, but she continued to eat. Once she was done the guilt and self-loathing set it, and there was only one way to fix it.
And that's how the cycle began. She would diet, for a short period of time, the cravings would catch up with her, she would binge eat, the guilt would grab her by the throat and force her to release the contents of her stomach into any porcelain bowl hear her.
The slate would be clean and the next day, she would restart the cycle all over again.
She couldn't believe no one had really noticed it, but then again she always eat large amount of food. No one would ever question the missing food, or the fact that she would eat so much that even they were shocked but never gain weight, the sneaking off to the bathroom so close after meals, the smell of vomit coming off of her, or the fact that she couldn't sit still after, hoping that the movement would burn off the food faster, or the most obvious, the fact that she wouldn't eat unless someone mentioned or gave her food.
Lifting her right hand up to her forehead she could feel the scars on her knuckles, the result of the constant action of sticking her fingers down her throat, her teeth scraping them as they went on and out. They were sore and rough, they hadn't been used in over 48 hours, she had been 'sick' at home for the past two days, but she would have to face the food tomorrow, there was no way of getting out of it unless she was looking for Carly to do some probing.
She let out a muffled cry, her throat clenching in pain from the consent abuse, she had to do this, it was unhealthy to be this fat, and she would be perfect, she always felt so scared right before she did this, but the knowledge of the fatty substances floating around in her stomach, probably being digested as she laid there like a fat ass she was, she was just getting fatter.
Reaching over she grabbed her last Fat Cake, the tears spilling over her eyes as she stuffed it onto her mouth, her stomach protesting the undesired food, but ignored it, finishing it off with a pop of her lips against her fingers.
Getting up she grabbed a towel and some extra clothes, she would turn the shower on so just in case her mother came home we wouldn't hear her and she would have an excuse as to be in the bathroom for so long.
Standing rigged in front of the door, she gave her stomach one last squeeze. Feeling the fat bubble and gush around her hand and in between her fingers, she knew this had to be done.
She would be perfect, or die trying.