A/N: Alrighty then. For all of you out there who have a mild to unholy obsession with pie, there is a solution... This guide written by none other than Dean Winchester himself explains your obsession and how to make that better. A necessity for every household and has had critical acclaim by Casa Erotica.
A special thanks to WickedLittleLies for the catchy anecdotes. Enjoy.
The Hunter's Guide to the Parallels of Sex and Pie
Dean stumbled into the cheap digs that he rented for the week to handle some case that came by his way when he was passing through. He tossed the box that he was carrying on the table along with the keys before slinging off his jacket and tossing that on the chair. He looked over at towards the single bed that occupied the room. It still felt weird that Sam wasn't there but it was for the best since Sam couldn't be trusted to do the job when demons were involved. Thinking about Sam had Dean scowl and mutter something at nothing in particular and he went to the fridge to find what he wanted the most.
Finding what he needed, he took it and went to the table and opened the box. He was taking out the greatest thing next to a good beer and he took a deep whiff. He moaned out loud as he took in the sweet sugary scent, his nose practically touching the flakey warmth. He reached for the can of whipped cream, "Oh baby you've been so bad. You're going to get it." He began spraying the cream on the luscious beauty that was sitting there on the table looking at him with that sensual gleam. He was methodical, occasionally taking a small dab on his fingers and slowly licking it. "Yes baby you're going to get it. And when I'm done with you…"
"Why would you torture an inanimate object?"
Dean jumped up the moment he heard Castiel's voice behind him. He was still holding the can of whipped cream. When he jumped, he sprayed some out and it landed in blobs on the kitchenette counter as well as the walls and eventually a few sprays on Castiel in a perfect ring around his neck. Dean finally dropped the can and in annoyed tone said, "Cas, what did I tell you about doing that? And personal space dude."
The angel merely looked down at the ring of whipped cream on his chest and then up at the hunter who looked like he got caught with his pants down. Castiel dabbed a finger in the whipped cream and looked at Dean and said, "My apologies," and he tasted the bit on his finger. "I didn't realize that you about to engage in an intimate activity."
"At least you didn't squash it like you did last time," Dean replied as he picked up the can and put it on the table. Dean then gestured to the beauty still intact and artfully covered with cream and said, "This is the greatest thing a man could have. Without it, a man could go crazy."
Castiel peered at Dean with a curious frown as he continued to dab at the whipped cream on his chest, liking the sweetness of it even though he didn't need sustenance. He replied, "I still don't understand your fascination with a dessert."
"Cas." Dean looked at the angel with an incredulous look. "Pie is a necessity. You can't do without it like you can't do without sex."
"So pie is like sex?" The angel was thoroughly confused at the whole thing. How could food be equated to sex? Even though he was used to the innuendos and sarcasm of Dean Winchester, the connections his mind made between things was baffling.
"Yes Cas," Dean replied giving the angel a look that said the angel was clearly born in a vacuum or something. He could see that the angel was still clearly confused by the whole thing and he thought that he heard the angel mutter something about humans and their metaphors. Dean looked at his busty beauty on the table begging him to come back and have his way with her. He then looked at the angel who seemed to be enjoying the necklace he gave him and then an idea came to him. It might be more profitable than the "den of iniquity" that he had taken Cas into and much more fun. God knows he could use some. He said, "Cas since you are new to this, how about I give you a lesson on the parallels of pie and sex?"
"And this helps with the Apocalypse?"
"No. Think of it as understanding how we humans think."
Castiel still looked confused. Right now they had the Apocalypse and the insane idea of killing the devil to deal with. This was not a necessary thing. Then again this was Dean Winchester. "So this is one of those take what you can moments?"
Dean was baffled at the response. Something actually got through to the stoic angel for once since sometimes it was like talking to a wall with the guy. He then grinned and said, "You got the right idea Cas. Now in order for you to understand we'll need to get you a busty beauty for you to try. I don't like to share so it's going to have to be your own."
Castiel wasn't sure if Dean was referring to the pie or a woman when he said busty beauty. He then figured that Dean meant that he called for a woman and needed to call for a second. "Why would you need to call for a second woman? Shouldn't one be enough for a demonstration?"
Dean could feel his mouth open wide as if he were going to swallow a fish. The only other time he felt like that was when he walked into the Roadhouse that one time. It was like talking to a child. He then said in an annoyed tone, "The pie Cas. The pie is the busty beauty. You need your own pie to understand."
"Oh. Then let's get another… busty beauty."
"Now you're talking."
Lesson 1: Bad is Better than None
Dean sat across from Castiel practically mooning over the two busty beauties that were just sitting on the table. Dean looked at his cream covered baby and Castiel's naked lady and said, "You need something to spice that up. He grabbed the can of whipped cream and gave it a shake. He then began covering the naked lady in sweet stickiness, being artistic with it. Cas' first time had to be memorable.
Once he was finished, Dean put the can down and looked at the angel who was looking at the fork in a puzzled state. He said, "Cas, it's pie. It's not gonna do anything. If anything you're the one going to give it to her."
Castiel looked at Dean with a look that made him look like he was going to go into a panic attack. Dean saw it and said, "Relax Cas. This isn't about smiting anything. It's more about enjoying the pleasures in this world."
Dean waited until Castiel relaxed a little visibly and then grinned. "Alright Cas now the first and most important thing you'll ever know about little busty beauties is that bad is better than none."
"Bad is better than none?"
Dean pulled out one of those packaged beauties that were fifty cents at a mini mart and tore off its crackling covering and held it up. He explained, "Yeap. You see you still get some even if it's the lousiest piece of crap you ever eaten." He took a bite of the little beauty and immediately started making noises. He held out the little beauty to Cas to indicate that he should try it.
Cas took the little beauty and looked at it. He took a small bite and tasted the fruity filling mixed in with the cheap flakiness of the crust. It tasted pretty good and said, "This tastes fine Dean."
Dean nearly spit out what he had but managed to keep it in his mouth. "Are you kidding me? That is a cheap whore. Now take a bite of the beauty in front of you. Make sure you lick off the cream. I tell ya that is a prime escort." He leaned forward to sniff the beauty sitting on the table pouting at him and charged up the loading ramp at a leisurely and sensual pace and tasted the beauty, savoring the creamy taste.
Castiel sat there watching Dean devour the confection with relish. He heard the noises Dean was making and watched with a curious expression. He didn't bother to touch the beauty in front of him who was clearly glaring at him for the lack of attention. He asked, "Are the noises indicators of how good it is?"
Dean paused in his fantasy of cream pies to study the angel. It really was like talking to a child. He rolled his eyes in annoyance and contemplated the possibility of creating a specialized course that maybe even Sammy could follow.