The Heroes Parody Project
Disclaimer: Heroes is copyright it's creator, Tim Kring, and NBC. I do not own anything, know or represent any of the cast or crew. This fan fiction is written purely for entertainment purposes only so please don't sue. I don't have any money. If I did I wouldn't be stuck eating Swanson's Chicken Pot Pies for dinner every night. Seriously, if I eat one more of those Swanson's Chicken Pot Pies I'm probably going to puke. Then I'll see that the puke looks like Swanson's Chicken Pot Pies and it will probably scare me off of eating Swanson's Chicken Pot Pies forever then I'll have try surviving off of ice cubes and licking the inside of Nutri-Grain Bar wrappers for substinence. It's not plesant. So, something to keep in mind NBC Lawyers. Alright! New Season, let's get this started! Enjoy! Oh, reader discretion is advised.
An elevator door opens, Peter Petrelli steps out onto the top floor of a revolving restaurant tower. He is dressed in a tuxedo and carrying a bouquet of roses. The host walks up to him.
Host: Your name, sir?
Host: You don't have a reservation.
Peter: Thanks. I'll seat myself.
He walks up to a table where Niki Sanders is sitting.
Peter: Roses for you, my sweet.
Niki: AHH! I'm allergic to roses!
Niki cluthes her throat and starts to flop around on the ground.
-The Next Night-
Peter walks up to Niki.
Peter: Hey Niki, your swelling has gone down. You no longer look like an overcooked Hot Pocket!
Niki: Just sit down.
Peter sits down and grabs the menu.
Peter: Mmm….Fuu….Funa…..Furtka….pul….naaa…..Ooh, exotic!
Niki: Your menu is upside down.
Nathan Petrelli storms up.
Nathan: What the hell is this!
Niki: Nathan! You….you weren't supposed to find out this way.
Peter: It's obvious what the lady wants, bro. Let it go.
Nathan: You're going to die….tonight!
Nathan turns around and grabs a drink off of a waiter's tray. He pulls the plastic cocktail sword out of a lime wedge. Peter does the same with Niki's drink.
Niki: I was drinking that!
Nathan: Have at you!
They start clinking their plastic swords together in the midst of battle. Niki grabs her purse and walks away, passing by a table where Mohinder is eating with his date.
Mohinder: You're leaving me! This cannot be! Our relationship was going to break new ground and revolutionize the love between human and robot.
Rosie The Robot Maid: I'm sorry….(beep! boop!)…..There…is….someone….else….(Beeeeeep!). Goodbye, Mr. S.
Rosie gets up and wheels away. Outside she runs into her new love, Wall-E.
Rosie: I ended it.
Rosie: Let us be…together and have millions….of….robot babies. (Beep! Boop!)
They roll off together.
-1000 Years Later-
New York City is Destroyed, Robots have enslaved the human race. In a dark alley, Claire Bennet and Elle Bishop run for their lives.
Claire: Did you grab the amulet?
Elle: I did! Fortunately we'll both survive this.
Elle: Ow, my flesh!
Claire: Elle! You can't die here!...We have dinner reservations at Red Lobster and they don't seat incomplete parties!
Elle: Here….take….the amulet….
Claire: Thanks, bye!
Elle: You're not even going to mourn? You suck as a friend!
Elle: Get back here, you skank!
Claire turns a corner and bumps into West….
Claire: From Season 2?
West: Claire, it's been too long. I have…longed for you.
Claire: Oh West!
West: Let's run away and have millions of babies.
West and Claire run off together.
Elle: Still dying here!
-1000 Years Later-
New York City is destroyed even more. The Human Race has enslaved the robots.
The cast of Heroes (all robots) are working in a mine shaft.
Robot Niki: This sucks.
Robot Matt: I know what will cheer us up, a song! Everybody! (Singing) It's a hard knock life, for us! It's a hard knock….hard knock….hard knock….hard knock…..hard knock….
Robot Noah: Can someone shut him off, please?
Matt closes the book to the story he was reading to Niki, Mohinder, Peter and Claire.
Matt: The End!
Niki: That was the worst story I have ever heard. EVER!
Claire: How was I still alive after 1000 years? Oh wait, that actually does make sense. How were Elle and West alive?
Peter: So….who won the fight, me or Nathan?
Matt: You make up when you both realize that you could do better.
Niki: WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
Rosie The Robot rolls up to Mohinder.
Rosie: More tea, Mr. S?
Mohinder: Thank you, Rosie. That would be wonderful.
She rolls off, everyone looks at Mohinder.
Mohinder: ….we're just friends.
Peter: Previously on Heroes
Daphne and Peter are talking.
Daphne: Four diasters, and a fifth mysterious one. You have to get to the bottom of this as soon as possible.
Peter: This only happened because I left Caitlin from Season 2 in future New York. I have to go back and rescue her.
Claire (To Peter): You're getting married to Caitlin only because you feel bad for what you did? That's nuts.
Tracy: The tidal wave is going to wipe out the island!
Matt: My finger sandwiches!
Hiro somehow manipulates time to move the moon to a different location which stops the wave.
Civilians: We're saved!
The new position of the moon sends an asteroid towards earth.
Civilians: Oh crap!
Peter: We'll take this rocket into space and blow it up. Simple as that.
Mayor: I honor you brave Heroes with a trip to…
Max (To Matt): You stole my girlfriend when we were classmates 30 years ago!
Matt: Geez, hold a grudge much?
Max's assistant, Lilith unleashes animals upon Disney World.
Mohinder: The real threat is upon us, the eclipse is back, and it swaps our powers with civilians who don't have them.
Civilians start to riot in the street, Claire almost dies but doesn't.
Sylar and Ted are doing nothing important, Molly picks them up.
Molly: Angela Petrelli is planning something sinister. Micah and I have been doing this research off screen.
Sylar: Of course you have.
Angela: He's coming back.
Sylar's former assistant, Jax, digs up the body of Arthur Petrelli. Who kills Jax and heads back to the mansion.
Arthur: Prepare to be blown up.
The mansion blows up. Angela and the others run off to different rooms to try and survive, Arthur drives away.
We see Angela's Mansion in ruins. In the debris we see:
Volume Eight "Genesis-Redux"
In the basement, an impatient Sylar taps his finger on the table. Ted Sprague sits across from him as they are both playing a friendly game of Scrabble.
Sylar: I'm not playing! He cheats at every single game we play. I'm not doing it.
Ted finishes his word, which reads:
Chapter One "Through The Wreckage"
Ted: 7,000 Points!
Sylar scoffs, jumping out of his chair.
Sylar, Ted, Angela, Samson, Molly and Micah
Sylar: Why isn't anybody coming for us?
Angela: Don't worry, we'll be saved. I had a dream and we will all be alive after this venture.
Sylar: Is that right?
Angela: Well, I don't know about you.
Sylar: What's that supposed to mean!
Ted: Yo, Sylar! Guess what?
Ted: Micah and Molly let me join 'The Third Generation!'. Apparently it's their little group. How awesome is that?
Sylar: They're STILL doing that?
Ted: Yeah! Totally got a badge.
Ted walks off.
Sylar: Why didn't they invite me to join their stupid group?
Nathan, Elle, Tracy, The Haitian.
The wrecked van that wrecked last season.
Nathan crawls out of the van.
Nathan: Uggggh…..Is everyone allright?
Elle: I think I'm dead.
Tracy: Yeah, I'm okay.
Haitian: I've been better.
Nathan: Well, at least we're all in one piece.
They spot Emile Danko lying on the ground not far from them.
Elle: He made us crash! Get him!
The Bennet living room.
Noah runs into the living room. Sandra, Muggles, Lyle and Claire are watching tv.
Noah holds up a map of some sort.
Noah: Family Road Trip!
Noah: I decided that the Bennet's could use a vacation!
Claire: But we just got back from Disney World, and before that freaking Bongo Island! I don't want to go on a vacation for the rest of my life!
Noah: Oh, this isn't just a normal vacation. It is…The Grand Canyon!
Noah: …Okay, it's KIND OF a normal vacation. But this will be good for us. No end of the world, power swapping, last minute wedding disasters, just pure normal family fun. I rented an RV and it's going to be the perfect Bennet Family Vacation!
Claire: Oh, and Space. I went into Space….I guess that doesn't count.
Lyle: When did you go into space?
Claire: Um, Dad, I actually kinda had other plans.
Noah: Not anymore! Pack up your things! We leave tomorrow.
Peter, Niki, Matt and Mohinder
Peter's New Apartment
Peter: Okay, everyone….open your eyes.
Niki: Our eyes are open! You made us wear blindfolds!
Peter: Well, take them off.
The three of them do so.
Niki: Where the hell are we?
Peter: My new apartment. Pretty cool, huh?
Niki: It's awfully small.
Peter: Well, I got a pretty good deal on it.
Matt: May I enquire the location of the restroom facilities?
Peter: Uh…it's through that door. But don't use them yet….gotta figure out some things first.
Mohinder: These beds are kinda….stiff.
Claire walks in.
Claire: What are you people doing in my family's RV?
In a tall bulding somewhere downtown. Hiro Nakamura is ascending a flight of stairs.
Hiro walks down the hall of the hospital, he enters the Office of Fake Doctor Linderman.
Linderman: I have healed you, and restored your power to normal. Now, you must do me a favor.
Hiro: What is it?
Linderman: You need to go back in time and prevent my death.
Hiro: …so….you're actually dead? Because you keep popping up and all….
Linderman: I've had my top men construct a device. That combined with your ability….will let you relive the past.
Hiro: Um….doesn't my ability let me do that anyway?
Linderman: No, just going into the past and changing everything will have The Butterfly Effect. Drastic changes. This machine will have you live the lives of people during certain moments in time to right certain wrongs. You know, like my death.
Hiro: OOH! Like Quantum Leap?
Linderman: Sure, whatever. But the the future will not be affected, just my untimely demise. I will just be standing here before you today.
Hiro: But you ARE standing here before me today.
Linderman: But I'm….oh forget it, just get in the machine.
Hiro steps out onto the roof of a building. He makes his way toward a ledge. He pulls out a note from Linderman.
Linderman (Voice Over): Hiro, this is where your journey begins. We were supposed to take you to the night where D.L Hawkins killed me but we kinda overshot our mark. You will find yourself as Peter Petrelli back when he was attempting to fly off of a building downtown.
Hiro: But that was in the Pilot episode!
Linderman: Relive the lives of the past up until that night. You must save my life, and you will be handsomely rewarded. Even though I fixed your ability so you kinda owe me.
Hiro: He will not shut up about that.
Hiro puts up the note and makes his way towards the ledge.
Mohinder (Voice Over): What is this place? Why are we here? Why do we dream?
Hiro: Wow, that's kind of unnerving.
Hiro looks down.
Hiro: Oh man, this is going to sting.
Hiro steps off.
Hiro wakes up, startled. He looks around.
In Charles Deveaux's bedroom
Hiro: Am I…a nurse? These scrubs are super comfortable.
Simone Deveaux enters the room.
Simone: Hello, Peter. How's father doing today?
Hiro scrambles around, he gets his notes out.
Hiro: IV! Gotta change the IV! Step aside please.
Simone: That…looks like a catheter bag.
Hiro: Oh, of course…..right…so…..I don't use this.
Simone: No….you don't.
In the Bennet RV.
Niki (to Claire): Your family's what?
Claire: My dad rented this RV so we could go to the grand canyon. What are you guys doing here? How did you get in?
Niki: Peter! You told us this was your new apartment! Now who are we going to mooch off of?
Claire: Peter, I told you my family was going on vacation, but I didn't think you'd try and stowaway this fast.
Peter: Well, I'm on the waiting list for a new apartment so I needed a place to stay, but so do you guys! Since Tracy's house got destroyed during the civilian riot when the Eclipse happened.
Niki: That's true.
Matt: Used the bathroom. Heh, I wasn't actually going to wait for you to figure out whatever you had to figure out.
Claire: Okay, you guys kinda need to go. Normally I'd go along with this sort of thing but there's no room and I'm not sharing beds with anybody. So….um….tuck and roll.
Niki: Tuck and roll!
Claire: Yeah, I'm sure you'll be fine. I survive them all the time!
Mohinder: Wait? We're moving!
Claire: Uh, yeah. We've been on the road for over an hour.
Matt: Wow, that's amazing. I haven't felt a single bump. Those are some good shocks!
Niki: I agree with Matt. I really felt you just had the smallest crappiest apartment ever, Peter. It's only just the smallest, crappiest RV ever.
Back in the basement, Angela walks up to Samson.
Angela: Samson, we have a problem. I think we should do something to entertain the children.
Samson: The who what to the what now?
Angela: Just look at them over there, they're miserable. It's just dreadful knowing that they're probably not going to make it out of here alive.
Micah: We can totally hear you.
Molly: Why would you say that in front of us?
Angela: We need to entertain them. Keep their spirits up. There's actually no ventilation in this basement and with their small lungs you know they're going to go first.
Micah: Wow! Just….wow!
Molly: What a nasty old woman…..
Meanwhile, at the Van wreckage.
Danko (tied up): This is ridiculous!
Elle: Tell us all you know, jerk!
Danko: You escaped from jail and I was hired by Bennet to bring you back. What's there to tell? You're fugitives.
Elle (To Nathan): He's not talking, Chief! Want me to rough him up?
Nathan (To Danko): Listen, pal. We were wrongly incarcerated. If we can get to Bennet he will probably just call off the search.
Danko: Highly unlikely. Once Mr. Bennet has his eye set on something, he never lets it go. Much like myself. I assure you, he will not forget this.
Meanwhile, on The Bennet RV to their family vacation.
Claire (to Noah, driving): Hey, dad. Can we pull over? I think we should stop.
Noah: Nope! We're behind enough as it is. The Bennet's are going to the Grand Canyon and nothing is stopping me now.
Claire: Peter, Niki, Parkman and Dr. Suresh stowed away on the RV.
Noah slams on the breaks, Claire flies forward.
Claire: OW! MY FACE!
Noah (to Peter and the others): OUT!
Peter: Come on, I need a place to stay. I don't have my new place yet. We're technically family…sort of.
He turns to Niki and the others.
Noah: What about you three?
Niki: Were with him?
Sandra: Oh, Noah, let them stay! The more the merrier!
Noah: Sandra, there are only 3 beds!...You know what? I don't care. I'm not letting this ruin my vacation. Stay! But if any of you get in my way….it's tucking and rolling for all of you.
He leaves…then steps back.
Noah: Especially you, Suresh!
Mohinder: What did I do!
Noah makes his way back to the driver's seat. He slams on the gas. Everybody flies backward.
Back in the Basement, Samson walks over to Ted and Sylar.
Samson: Okay, men. While Angela is freaking out the children, it's up to us to get us out of here. Any suggestions?
Sylar: Well, Micah can talk to the computers that we don't have down here. Molly can locate the people who don't know we're down here, and Angela can dream up a future where our bodies are rotting down here. So we pretty much have the dream team.
Samson: Good. Good. Ted?
Ted: I'm hungry.
Sylar: That's it!...Well, it's sort of related….just to Ted. Actually, I don't know why I said that. But here's an idea! Ted….can blow up!
Sylar: The explosion will blow out all the debris covering us, and we can crawl to safety!
Ted: You mean what's left of us! It will kill anything that close in radius. The explosion. Will kill. EVERYONE!
They suddenly notice Micah and Molly standing there.
Micah: Oh, don't mind us. You're being far more optimistic than Angela.
-In Genesis Redux-
Hiro turns around, he is teaching a classroom.
Hiro: Evolution is an incredible thing, is it not? My name is Doctor Mohinder Suresh….and today we're going to talk about cockroaches.
Student: We're talking about what?
Hiro: Cockroaches are the Twinkies of civilization. They last forever. They will surpass mankind. They are not ordinary….they are….Class?
Students (deadpan): Extraordinary.
Hiro: Excellent, now your homework is to take home a cockroach and care for it. We don't have enough so you'll have to get into teams. You will act as parents and take care of your cockroach. Love it. Nurture it. And if it's dead by tomorrow you get a zero for the day.
Student: Why can't we take care of eggs like normal classrooms?
Hiro: Because I ate all the eggs. In a giant omelet. And it was delicious.
Student: Hasn't the school been using the same eggs for like, 5 years?
Hiro: ….Class is dismissed.
Hiro runs out of the room, holding his mouth.
Meanwhile, in the middle of nowhere, on a single road.
Nathan: Ugh, it's so hot!
Danko: Where are you people taking me?
Tracy: I think there's a gas station not too far from here. We can get something to eat.
Elle: You know, Nathan could fly us out of here.
Nathan: Nah, too hot.
Tracy: Yeah, and I'm dying of thirst.
Elle: Aren't you made of water? Just drink yourself.
Tracy: Oh, I don't do that….I consider it a form of self-cannibalism.
Nathan: It's not the worst idea. We won't dehydrate.
Tracy: Um…..no…I don't…no…..I'll think about it.
Elle: Why do you have to think about…..Wait…Hey….HEY! WHAT'S THAT?
Everybody looks over to see a vehicle approaching.
Elle (waving): HEY! HEY! STOP! HELP US!
The vehicle zooms by the groups.
Elle (fists shaking): Get back here, you buttholes! (Sobbing) Dammit, we're gonna die out here!
In the RV.
Sandra: Noah, did we just pass….?
Noah (looking up from the map): Hmm?
Sandra: We just passed…
Noah: I don't care who we passed, we have enough people in this RV already. It's getting cramped.
Hiro is in a garage, sporting a blonde wig. He notices a bed in the middle of the room. And a camera.
Hiro (checking his notes): Oh great, now I have to be Niki Sanders. Ando better not be watching this.
Hiro jumps on the bed.
Hiro: Yeah, sexy time! Uh….
Hiro waves his hands in the air.
Hiro: Waving my hands in the air like I just don't care! (Man, I hope her customers are liking this).
Hiro looks over at the computer.
"What is this?"
"I'm falling asleep here!"
"Do something hot!"
Hiro: Do something hot?...Like….cook? I don't know, I'll see what she has.
Hiro returns a few minutes later.
Hiro: Who wants Ramen?
Hiro jumps on the bed, holding the ramen cup up to his mouth.
Hiro: This ramen is soooo hot!
Hiro takes a sip then spits it out.
Hiro: AHH THAT RAMEN IS REALLY HOT! Owww, I burnt my tongue!
"Can I get my money back?"
In the RV, Niki is putting up her things. Matt and Mohinder are watching TV.
Sarah Mclachlan comes on screen.
Sarah Mclachlan: Hi. I'm Sarah Mclachlan. And I wanted to tell about my friend Toby. He is a puppy without a home. But you can help.
Matt: Oh god, Mohinder, change it!
Mohinder: Why? These commercials are spreading an important message.
Matt: Dude! Change it. Those are the most depressing commercials ever!
Mohinder: I can't find the remote, you're just going to have to deal with it.
Sarah Mclachlan: All of these animals have been abandoned, and they need families.
Mohinder: That's really sad.
Matt (tearing up): No it's not. I'm not listening.
Mohinder: Oh no, is that a cat? I love cats…..
Sarah Mclachlan: This cat will never Meow again.
Mohinder (sobbing): That's so sad!
Matt: I KNOW! (Sobbing)
Mohinder (fanning his eyes): I'm really getting depressed now.
Matt: OH NO! That dog doesn't have any legs! WAAAAHHHH!
Mohinder: That is soo sad! WAAAAHHH!
Matt blows his nose.
Mohinder: I need to change it…..where's the remote! (Sob) Where the remote!
Matt (sobbing): I can't stop crying! UHHHHHHHHGGGG!
Mohinder: This is the saddest thing I've ever seen in my life.
Sarah Mclachlan: And now….a song.
Matt: Oh crap!
Sarah Mclachlan (singing): In the arrrrms of the angel, fly awaaay from heeere!
Matt and Mohinder hug, sobbing their eyes out. Niki stares at them, completely stunned.
Matt and Mohinder (sobbing): WAAAAAAAH!
Niki walks over and turns the tv off.
Niki: I really need to get some new friends.
Meanwhile, Nathan and the others discover…
Elle: The gas station! We're saved!
Nathan: Oh man, I need to use the restroom.
Elle: Good thing this gas station has one.
Nathan: Uh….I'm not going in a gas station restroom! The diseases alone….
Elle: Then go out here.
Nathan: Are you nuts? I'm the former mayor, the paparazzi will eat that up.
Elle: Then hold it until you blow up! I don't care…Wait, papparazzi! Really? We're in the middle of nowhere!
Nathan: You never know.
Elle goes into the restroom. There is one light bulb dangling on a cord.
Elle: Oh, somebody got murdered in here, I just know it!
Elle walks into the stall.
Elle: Oh my, it's nasty in here. Nathan might have the right idea. That's okay, I'll get one of these paper thingies.
Elle pulls a paper toilet seat cover out of the dispenser and puts in on the toilet.
Elle: Ugh! No, I want you to stay there!
Elle grabs another one.
Elle turns around.
Elle: You piece of crap! I'm only doing this one more…oh they're out. Well, that's just great. Well, I'm holding it then.
Outside, Nathan creeps around the corner of the gas station.
Nathan: Bladder is about to burst…..I think I'll be safe here…(looks around)….….there we go, much better.
In the distance.
Paperboy: Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Former Mayor Nathan Petrelli a real 'whiz' when it comes to surviving outdoors!
Nathan: How did they publish that so fast?
Back in the RV, Matt hops in the passenger seat.
Noah: What do you want?
Matt: I'm taking over Navigating duties while Mrs. B sleeps.
Noah: Oh goodie.
Matt: Allright, Captain. I need you to turn right at the light.
Matt: Turn right, here.
Noah: Turning right.
Matt: This is pretty fun. Turn right again.
Noah: Uh huh.
Matt: So, why the Grand Canyon?
Noah: Well, last season was pretty rough. I thought it would be a good idea to take my family on a nice vacation that wasn't filled with people trying to kill us.
Matt: Preach on, brother. Turn right.
Noah: We're going in circles.
Matt: Oh, sorry, turn left.
Matt lowers the map, to find the RV crashed into a wall.
Noah: You're fired as navigator.
Matt: ….Okay, I kinda take responsibility for that…..but…..You didn't see that wall coming?
At a gravel plant, Hiro, decked out in a Cheerleader's Uniform, runs up to the top, ready to jump off. Filming the affair is Zach.
Zach: Okay, Claire! Ready! Man, this is going to be crazy.
Hiro: Okay, you ready?
Zach: I'm ready!
Zach: Hey, Claire? Where did you get this camera? And why is there a recording of a stripper burning her mouth on Ramen?
Hiro: Don't ask questions! Just film!
Zach: I'm filming.
Hiro: Okay…gonna jump…it's really high.
Zach: Hey, it was your idea! It's actually kind of the point. We need to see how awesome your powers are.
Hiro: You know about Cla…err…my powers?
Zach: Yeah, Claire, I don't randomly film Cheerleaders jumping to their deaths.
Hiro: Really?….so…..I've been telling you everything?
Zach: Uh…duh, Claire. You've been confiding in me a lot lately. It's kinda cool.
Hiro (checking his notes): Is that so….hmm.
Hiro falls off the plant and splats against the ground.
Hiro: Ow….that hurt….
Zach: Oh my god, Claire are you okay?
Hiro: UH! IS THAT A RIB STICKING OUT! How does she live with this?
Hiro: Don't ask questions! FILM!
Hiro: I'm Claire Bennet, and that was attempt number…..Sweet Startship Enterprise that hurt like a mother!…
Zach: You want me to help pop your arm back into it's socket?
Hiro: I feel faint.
Nathan meets up with Elle in the gas station, she is hiding behind a shelf.
Nathan: Well, this is just great. The papparazzi caught me taking a leak! There goes my chance of getting back into office.
Elle: Oh, Nathan, don't say that. Your chances of getting re-elected are slim to none!
Nathan: GEE, THANKS!
Elle: We have a problem.
Elle: The store's getting robbed.
Elle: Okay, you just screamed that RIGHT into my eardrum.
Elle: Right there, two people. It looks intense.
Tracy and The Haitian walk up. The Haitian is half a bag deep in Taco Flavored Doritos.
Nathan: I'm not paying for that.
Tracy: What's going on?
Elle: The store's getting jacked. Yo, Haitian, pass the grub.
Haitian: Get your own bag.
The two robbers spin around and notice the group.
Nathan: They already noticed us!
One of the robbers holds up his gun.
Nathan: Come on, man. At least let us negotiate something.
Elle: Step aside. I got this.
Elle steps forward the robber. He fires his pistol at Elle as she spreads her arms in front of her, creating an electric shield. The bullets disentegrate in front of her, blowing metal pieces and gun powder in her face.
Elle (spitting): Blech! That could have gone more gracefully.
The other robber, a female, notices Nathan. She motions for her and her partner to leave. They run out.
Tracy: They're getting away.
Elle (mouth full of potato chips): STOP THEM!...Munch! Munch!
Tracy runs around to the entrance to see fire swelling up to block the entrance.
With the wave of a hand the fire freezes into place, Tracy kicks the ice out of her way as she, Nathan and The Haitian make their way outside.
Elle: Hold on! (Munch! Munch!) I'm…catching up….oh…ow, ow, ow….stomach cramp…stomach cramp…..(Munch! Munch!)
Hiro is at his desk, watching his clock. Concentrating hard on it. The second hand continues to tick forward. Behind him, a fellow co-worker (portrayed by Hiro), is watching him.
Hiro: Ah, this is where it all began. Hmm. Am I supposed to be watching myself like this? Won't the universe explode or something? Well, it's not really me, just one of my co-workers, so I guess it's alright.
Genesis Hiro (at his desk, jumping up): YATTA!
Genesis Hiro runs down to Ando's cubicle, thrilled.
Hiro: Brings me back.
Hiro picks up the clock that Hiro stopped. He notices that the batteries are dead.
Hiro: Hmm?...I'm going to pretend I didn't see that.
Meanwhile, back in the RV.
Mohinder: I'm glad you decided to make me your Navigator, Noah. It's an honor and a privilege.
Noah: If you so much as breathe the words: Extraordinary, Research, or anything Science-y, I'm pushing you out the door.
Mohinder: You got it. This reminds me of a story my father used to tell me.
Noah: And you're probably going to share it against my will, aren't you?
Mohinder: This is the story of Rhubarb, The Elephant. The most powerful King in all of the Kingdom of Elephants.
Noah: I think you mean Babar?
Mohinder: Nope. Rhubarb. He was a mighty King, until his greed threatened the livelihood of the townspeople. He was taking over the Kingdom while his brother, the true king, was on a Crusade. He raised taxes, and his evil Sherriff was terrible to the citizens. What they needed was an unsung hero, to steal from the rich to give to the poor….
Noah: That's the plot of Robin Hood!
Mohinder: No, it's not. So Rhubarb's brother was away on the Crusade, and living in a castle part time. While there he got cursed by an evil witch who told him that if he doesn't find his true love before all the petals of a magic rose wilted, he will remain a beast forever.
Noah: That's Beauty and The Beast!
Mohinder: I don't think so.
Noah: I thought he was an elephant!
Mohinder: I'm going to need you to stop interrupting now.
Hiro (as Peter) and Nathan are on their way to the Police Station to bail out Angela.
Nathan: I can't believe this, and so close to election time. You and ma are gonna cost me the entire race. I'm mad!
Hiro (giddy): I missed you, flying man!
Nathan: What did you just say?
Hiro: Uh…..I kissed my frying pan….you know, for good luck…..I love to cook! But not Ramen, because I burnt my mouth while stripping on the internet!
Nathan: …..You're a strange one, Pete.
Hiro checks his watch.
Hiro: Oh crap, I'm late!
Nathan: For what?
Hiro: Gotta go do something else. Mom stole the socks, good luck with that.
Hiro pushes Nathan into the interrogation room. He runs off.
On the other side of town, Zach is sitting outside where a bad fire is taking place. Hiro (as Claire) runs up, gasping for breath.
Zach: Hey, check it out! Cool, huh?
Hiro: Yeah, it's awesome sauce. Gotta run.
Hiro runs into the fire. Zach stumbles for the camera.
Zach: We're rolling!
Hiro runs up to a man who is caught in the fire.
Hiro: It's okay, I'm a cheerleader!
Man: I figured!
Hiro: I guess I have to do a cheer first.
Man: A what?
Hiro pulls out his pom-poms.
Hiro (cheering): We got spirit, yes we do, we got spirit, how 'bout you!
Man: You're on fire.
Hiro: Why, thank you! I've been practicing that for hours. Not unlike Jackie….she never practices and always messes up the pyramid. She is such a snob.
Man: No, your clothes are actually on fire.
Back in the RV, Noah looks at Peter who is eating Captain Crunch.
Noah: You're not going to be my navigator either.
Peter: That's okay. I just want to enjoy my Captain Crunch. I love cereal!
Noah: Would you get rid of that stuff? You're getting it all over the upholstry.
Peter dumps the cereal out the window. The RV starts to shake.
Noah: Peter….did…..did your cereal give me a flat tire?
Peter: Probably. As much as I love Captain Crunch sometimes it's like eating Steel Wool…totally worth it though.
Noah (grasping onto the wheel): …
The Bennets are eating dinner.
Hiro: Okay, there's Claire….Lyle…..Sandra…..I must be Noah Bennet!
Sandra: Guess what, kids! Your father's coming home early.
Sandra (to Hiro): Isn't that right, Mr. Muggles?
Hiro: I'M THE DOG? That's…..you know what….no! NO!...NEXT!
Hiro is Niki again, a few thugs walked in.
Thug: Hello, Niki. We're here to collect Linderman's Money.
Hiro: Say what now?
Thug: We're gonna need you to pay up…..now.
Hiro checks his notes.
Hiro: Oh, right, that's right. Niki owes him money…..
Thug: Get her!
Hiro: Uh oh.
Back in the Basement. Sylar, Samson, Angela, Micah and Molly are watching Ted.
Ted: …..Watching Ted what?
Sylar: We're waiting for you to explode.
Ted: I'm not going to blow up! That's a stupid idea. Surely there's another way out of here. Let's just open the door.
Angela: You fool! Tons of debris is blocking the entrance, it will flood in and kill us.
Ted: It'll flood a little bit. But we can keep digging until we reach the surface.
Sylar: Have fun with that.
Ted: I'm not digging it myself.
Angela: Well, we can't have the children do it. It's bad enough they're going to die down here, there's no point putting them to work.
Molly (To Micah): What is WRONG with her?
Micah: It's amazing Nathan and Peter came out normal.
Peter picks out pieces of Captain Crunch from Noah's tire.
Peter: You got a flat tire.
Noah: That's it! Everybody out.
Noah climbs back into the RV. Niki, Mohinder, Matt and The Bennet's get out.
Claire: What's going on?
Noah: You people…..
Niki and Mohinder exchange looks.
Noah: Yes. You people. You have totally ruined this vacation.
Niki: I haven't done anything!
Noah: Oh yes you did Miss 'I need to shave my legs in the passenger seat!'.
Niki: Well, I'm sorry I needed better light…..didn't help though, missed a huge patch.
Noah: You four morons. You all are terrible people, and this vacation is just….shot. I'm going to have to go back to work now and think of a new way to take my family on vacation. I hope you're happy.
Matt: Not really, we never made it to The Grand Canyon.
Noah: Family, back in the RV.
Niki: What about us?
Noah: I'll send someone for you.
Niki: You can't do that.
They climb back into the RV. Peter follows.
Peter: I uh….I'm technically family…sort of….so…good luck!
Peter slams the door.
The RV pulls away. Niki, Mohinder and Matt stand there.
Niki: Well, now what?
Mohinder: I guess we wait.
Matt: ….whoa, Niki missed a huge spot on her legs. Hey, Chewbacca, shave much?
Niki slugs Matt in the arm.
Hiro is running down the back alley. He is in a business suit. He looks up to see Peter, standing on the ledge.
Peter: Nathan, watch! I'm gonna fly.
Hiro: Oh, no you're not….that's my job, pal.
Peter steps off. Hiro scrambles.
Hiro jumps up and catches Peter.
Peter: Whoa…haha…..Nathan! We're flying!
Hiro: I know, right? Oh wait….no, it's all in your head…..was that right?
Hiro reaches for his notes. Peter drops.
Hiro: Uh oh…..Peter!
Hiro: AHHH!...Oh wait….that's supposed to happen…all is good.
Hiro realizes he's still in the air.
Hiro: How am I supposed to get down?
Back in the middle of nowhere, the two robbers are running. They both run into a solid wall of ice and fall. Tracy, Nathan and The Haitian catch up to them. Elle finally catches up.
Elle: Looks like we caught the criminal….oh crap! I didn't pay for this bag of chips!...Eh, who cares?
Female Criminal: It looks like we can't outrun you Nathan.
Nathan: Do we know each other?
The woman turns around and takes off her mask….revealing herself to be Meredith Gordon. The male robber has trouble taking off his mask. Meredith rips it off, revealing her brother, Flint.
Nathan: Oh no…..
Back in the basement, Sylar and Ted are throwing pieces of Mansion to the side. They see a light.
Sylar: It's a light! We're saved!
Ted: Wait….you hear that?
Sylar: I….hear….digging? We're double saved.
Angela: No….we're not.
Samson: We're not saved?
Angela: Those are Arthur's Henchmen.
Sylar: Say what, now?
Angela: Kind of had a dream that we got pulled through the wreckage by armed men….but they work for Arthur….you know, the man who blew up my house.
Sylar: YOU WERE GOING TO TELL US THIS WHEN?
Angela: When the time is right, my dear.
Angela takes a sip of her tea.
Angela: Oh, this cup is empty….
An armed man busts through to the basement. He holds up a gun.
Man: I'm gonna need you all to come with me.
Sylar (To Ted): …..if you want to blow up, now would be the best time to do so.
Ted: Dude! I'm not going to blow up!
Niki, Matt and Mohinder are walking along the road.
Niki: I still can't believe he left us here! What a jerk.
Mohinder: Did I ever tell you guys the story of Rubarb The Elephant?
Niki: Yes, Mohinder, we've all heard your stupid elephant story!
A car comes driving up, stopping in front of the group. Claire steps out of the car.
Claire: Get in.
Everybody piles into the car.
Claire: First, I'd like to personally thank you all for ruining the Bennet Family Trip.
Matt: Oh god, are you going to kill us!
Claire: Um, no. You see….this was all part of my plan.
Mohinder: Your plan?
Claire: I didn't want to go to the Grand Canyon. Dad would make us do horribly boring things, Lyle would be annoying, and Mom would just pay attention to Muggles. That and my dad wouldn't let me go on the trip I already had planned for me. So my only option was to perform a little sabotage.
Claire: I pretended to be surprised that you guys stowed away. But knowing that you all are losers with nothing better to do…
Claire: Peter and I talked yesterday and while he was telling me about his apartment woes I told him about the family trip, hoping it would provoke him to stowaway while he waiting on his new apartment. You three have been just staying anywhere, so I assumed you were just going to follow him.
Flashback to Claire talking to Noah at the wheel.
Claire: Peter, Nathan, Parkman and Suresh stowed away.
Noah slams on the breaks.
Claire I hoped that would have been good enough. But my dad insisted on going on this trip. But I remained patient as I watched the damage unfold.
Niki: I am shocked and offended. But she's also right….damn, I hate my life.
Matt: I helped someone today….and I feel pretty good.
Claire: And for helping me out, you all get to come with me on my vacation.
Mohinder: Where are you going?
Claire: Well, I've been kind of seeing West again.
Niki: From Season 2?
Matt: Totally called it! You know, when I was telling my robot story?
Niki: Nobody was listening to that crap, Matt!
Claire: Well, actually it did push me in the direction to give him a call.
Matt: I changed lives today…..and I feel pretty good.
Claire: He invited me and some friends….who were busy so I'm settling for you guys….to his family's new house boat. Get ready to set sail tomorrow.
Niki: Wait, you didn't bring Peter?
Claire: Uh….he's the other part of my plan.
Noah opens Claire's door.
Noah: Morning, Claire Bear….time for school.
Noah walks up and pulls down the top of her bedspread, to find Peter wearing a blonde wig.
Peter: See, this is allowed…..cause we're technically family….sort of…..Man, I can go for some pancakes!
Noah throws the bedspread back over Peter's face.
Noah: Yeah. She's totally grounded.
Back at the gas station.
Danko, still tied up, is sitting in the store.
Danko: Hello? Anybody there?...Can someone untie me?...I have to use the restroom!...Oh fine, I'll do it myself.
Danko manages to get up and walk into the restroom. He walks back out.
Danko: I'll just hold it.
To Be Continued.