O/S-NOT BETA'D. Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight.
This is just my rambling thoughts on a idea that got stuck in my head this week. If you like it, great. If not, it's okay. I could probably expand on this if anyone is interested in reading the "then and now" for Edward and Bella in this O/S. Just sayin. -shrugs- Just glad to have this out of my head.
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Getting Back to Good
I saw you in the grocery store today. I didn't speak to you at all. I couldn't. I noticed you standing near the deli counter. My heart leapt into my throat. I was sweating and couldn't breathe well. I was frozen for about thirty seconds while you stood in your khaki pants and white dress shirt. You were wearing your glasses. I used to love seeing you in your glasses. Panic set in and I darted down the nearest aisle. I can't believe you still have that effect on me. It has been twenty years. I have been through childbirth and survived the death of my husband. Yet, nothing compares to the feeling of my heart breaking all over again when I saw you today.
We are not the same people we used to be, I am sure. I heard about your wife's passing a couple of years ago. I cursed Breast Cancer for taking the one you loved so young. I wanted to attend the service, but I was too afraid of facing you again. I couldn't stand to see you so broken. Alice went and offered my condolences. I wonder what you thought about that, if anything. She said you were the same sweet and funny Edward as you always were.
I'm sorry for being such a coward when she died. I'm sorry I was a coward today. Most of all, I am sorry my fears and insecurities broke us so long ago. I can forgive myself for everything except hurting you and killing what we had that was so great. Alice says that I must have known what I wanted when I told you it was over. I don't know what I could have been thinking that was so much more important than what we had together. I will never forget watching you walk away with your class ring in your hand. You even stopped and offered me the opportunity to take it all back. One word, "No," changed us forever.
Seeing you today turned my world upside down. For years just little memories of you, of us, have entered my mind at different times. I always smile and shrug it off. Life has a way of weaving our mistakes into new paths for us to follow. I followed them every time. But today, after seeing you, I sit here curled up on my king size bed reading your love letters. I don't know why I kept them. It is silly. There are ninety-six of them. Did you know that? Reading these I remember so much more of us. It takes me back to a time when things were good and not complicated. Ever so often I have to stop reading because my tears cause the words on the page to blur and I don't want to miss a thing. It makes no sense that I should cry like this after so long.
After a while the sobbing is for all the mistakes, the regrets, the pain and lastly, the aching in my heart for things to get back to good. For a second or two, I entertain the idea of you being apart of making that happen. You were always the good in my life. You were the one thing I did right for so long.
I take a moment to look around and take in the scene of this pity party I have made for myself. Life goes on. We both gave what was left of our hearts to someone else. We made a new life for ourselves, separate of one another. We followed the path that was before us when the 'us' became broken.
I don't want to break down like this when I see you again in our small town. I want to stare into your eyes like we have forever. I want to laugh so hard my face hurts. I want to pretend not to get your silly jokes, just to see your pout. I want to hear about your good days, as well as days when so many little things aggravate you. I want to bake you a cake on your birthday and text you 'I love you' at times during the day when you need to hear it the most. Most of all, I want to undo all the bad in your life and mine.
As I continue reading these letters and looking at the photos of us at prom, I realize that every great story has a beginning and an end. These letters and pictures are our beginning. They cause me to laugh, to cry, to blush. The memories play like a movie in my mind. I see stolen kisses in the hall at school. I see you slightly drunk and crawling in my window after a night out with your friends. I see you blowing kisses to me from the dugout during a baseball game. I see the 'birthday smile' we wore for days after the first time we had sex.
Even though I loved James, he never got the real me. I had already given that to you. There were so many first times and last times with you. I don't know how to tell you how I feel about you after all these years without sounding like a complete stalkerish freak. I will find a way. Somehow, because of all of this, your heart must remember. I know that no matter where our lives have taken us, we never really had our end. I don't know our story will end in the fairy tale sort of way. I am too cynical to think our story would end in a happily ever after. I believe I could be happier if I could apologize. I would still want to know to know if you remember. That's something I could take with me day after day. It would help me close this chapter of sentimental regret.
Your eyes would tell me what your heart knows. They always did betray you in the most wonderful ways. I will put away all these letters and photos for now. Soon. I will tell you, and I will have my answers soon. Maybe then, I can get back to good.