7511 – Dying for an Update
With no gigs for '101 More Ways to Kill Edward Cullen' and no more dreadful movies to make, Edward simply drains all of his resources left over from his previous success (To use the term loosely) It's no surprise that it doesn't last him long and after squandering his cash on expensive food that he doesn't even eat and indulging in gambling in games he doesn't understand or pleasures that don't pleasure him he is soon left with only the shirt on his back and a house with no running water or electricity.
Not understanding what exactly happened Edward simply sits in his house and waits for everything to return to normal (Because in the movies you only have to wait 80 minutes for everything to return to normal!)
Three weeks later a postman delivering eviction notices and final warnings from debt collectors discovers Edward curled up in the foetal position in a puddle of urine and other foul spewages. The malnourished pale creature is dead and at last everything in the world has returned to normal before Twilight first came out.
12 – Fuckwit-no-jutsu
When you have a lot of money to burn you usually end up splurging on impulse on something you don't actually want or need or didn't even think of buying earlier. Well Edward always has a lot of money spilling out of his pockets so he tends to impulse buy a hell of a lot.
On his latest binge Edward buys the entire collection of Naruto because...Well honestly the only reason he bought it was because it was there and it took up a lot of shelf space. Anyway since he no longer has a job and only get by on his immense wealth and royalties and such he had a lot of spare time to get through a couple (Read as 400+) episodes.
As with any impressionable little child Edward is positively inspired by Naruto's ninja powers and begins practising his fail-no-jutsu in the living room. It involves hopping around the room trying to do roundhouse kicks but rather than hit invisible and ultimately imaginary enemies instead smashing expensive furniture and making a mess of the house while yelling like a fucking lunatic.
Thankfully no-one is around to witness the shameful and pitiful act and Edward's pride escapes unscathed-
Ha ha ha! Sorry, I couldn't help but laugh at that. Anyway back to the story!
Edward sees himself as an elite ninja now and after a quick re-watch Edward becomes mystified by the ninja's abilities to fly like birds from tree to tree. It looks pretty damn fun and there is no further need to convince Edward that this is a worthwhile venture.
Besides, vampires can fly can't they?
And so Edward scans his backyard (Which is actually a natural forest reserve) and finds the tallest trees nestled in the heart of the canopy. After spending a good hour and a half climbing up the trees to the point that the ground is no longer visible beneath the thick dense blanket of leaves Edward is finally satisfied with his position and crouches precariously on a branch.
"He he he, Naruto is so awesome! But I'm even cooler than him! I'm a best ninja in the entire village!"
It took a while for the brainwave to hit.
"Oh...Right, I'm a vampire...Well fuck it! I'm a ninja as well! I'm a vampire ninja! Yeah! That's cool! That's heaps cool!"
After a brief (read as fifteen minute) conversation with himself ladled with unnecessary and definitely untrue compliments Edward reaffirms his position on the branch and leans slightly forward like an Olympic diver.
An external internal monologue ensues as Edward voices his mental instructions on how to remain calm and believe in one's self and a bit of drabble to pad out the minutes. Eventually Edward's eyes flash a brilliantly uninspiring shade of dull white and his grin spreads beyond what is humanly possible.
"Edward-no-jutsu!" he cries as he propels himself from the branch into the open air. The wind sweeps through his hair and Edward soars with the grace of a duck with Down's syndrome. It's incredible, amazing, wonderful!
It's...
Suicidal...
Edward suddenly comes to the realisation that he forgot to plan where he would jump to and so he thrashes about in the air a couple of hundred metres above the ground. He quickly spots a thick sturdy branch down below and spreads his body flat out as a sort of parachute and to control his fall. He aims for the branch but falls with too much speed and momentum. There is not enough time, nor enough strength in his muscles to change his position for the landing and so Edward's ribs collide with crushing ferocity against the branch. There is a lot of cracking going on but whether it is the branch of Edward's brittle ribs is not certain.
The branch splinters and Edward plummets further, falling faster than the branch he disappears into the canopy which softens his fall slightly. However beneath the canopy is a network of branches which form a safety net for the unfortunate flailing vampire ninja and his fall is safely secures as he smacks into the with the force of a speeding car.
Badly winded and struggling for breath, but otherwise safe and sound, Edward lets out a sigh of release which is soon choked out as the branch from before plummets through his midsection and impales him.
Edward screams but blood coagulates in the back of his throat and he begins to suffocate. He writhes about enough to loosen the net of branches and fall further down, crashing through thin branches on the way down. In some time he finally reaches the ground with a jarring thud and a cloud of dust spat into the air.
When the dust settles a dead vampire ninja is all that is left. The vampire ninja is now extinct after only surviving in the wild for about 45 minutes.
13 – Light-Hearted Suicide
The light goes out in the bathroom. Edward roams the house and fishes through cupboards looking for a spare light-globe but after ten minutes realises he is looking inside the oven. After a shamed giggle he sets off to the cupboard and finds a globe at last.
Next he finds a ladder. It's not too hard they are long and have rungs. Ovens have neither of those. Edward runs back into the bathroom and fumbles around in the dark mumbling, "Where the hell is the light-switch?"
…
"Oh right, it went out..."
Genius!
Edward sets up the ladder and in the darkness fumbles around again for the light bulb. He catches hold of it and tries to pry it out of the socket but it is held firm. Not one to think of simply twisting it and pulling but rather skipping step 1 and starting with step 2 Edward wrestles with the bulb and eventually tears it free, along with a portion of the roof. The momentum throws him off the ladder and he fall into the bath-tub, smacking his head against the ceramic wall.
Edwards sees stars and thinks they are pretty.
When the daze is past Edward gets the new light bulb and climbs back up the ladder. In the absence of light Edward can't see the now exposed wiring and somehow can't recognise the sparkling blue forks of light spitting out from the broken circuits. Well it's not like vampires have good night vision of anything...
Edward takes one look at the bulb, which is ironic in itself since he can't actually see it and then drives it into the hole in the roof, quite forcefully. Edward's hand sinks through a mesh of torn and exposed wires and feels a surge of energy you can't get from a can of Red Bull and suddenly convulses violently. He can smell his flesh and his hair burning and his heart drops in and out of beating sporadically. There is a vibrant flash of light and Edward is hurled across the room to once again collapse in the tub but this time he really hits it hard. So hard that the tiles crack under the pressure of the collision with his skull and break apart.
Edward lands awkwardly on his neck and lies there bleeding from his eyes mouth and nose while his heart beats erratically and his skin sizzles slowly. He dies in agony and all alone in the dark.
14 – Light Hearted Homicide
Edward is in Tokyo for a promotional tour of the Blu-Ray release of one of his shitty movies and after a quick photo-op he is off wandering the streets. After a while the fool becomes hungry and so he enters a small store to buy something to whet his appetite.
A row of shelves full of chips draws his eye and Edward shuffles over like a zombie. He wanders too slowly however because a young college student ends up buying the packet of chips he was mysteriously fixated upon. Now sure there were a lot of packets of that exact same brand and flavour, but Edward wanted that one.
He followed the student around the store and ended up trailing him to the fruit stalls outside. Edward spotted a delicious apple which the student snatched out of his grasp as well.
Edward was getting angry now. Very angry. He had reached his limit. It was time for vengeance!
The boy returned home with Edward squatting outside in the dumpster for a while until he felt the coast was clear (Which it had been from the beginning. He just wanted to hide because he saw people do it in the cartoons.) It was nightfall by the time Edward crawled out and approached the door. It was locked but Edward's long fingernails made short work of the lock (Yes that is surprisingly useful!) and slipped inside.
An older woman was cooking dinner with her back turned to him. Edward slunk past him and approached the stairs. He glimpsed a young girl in the living room watching television. Some news story was on about a mysterious killer named 'Kira'. Edward thought nothing of it and crawled up the stairs.
He found the boys room by smell alone. He could smell those chips!
He slid up against the door and tried the handle. It was locked. Once again Edward used his girlishly long fingernails to some good use and broke through the lock. The door opened silently and Edward almost let out a sigh of relief but managed to catch himself before he blew his cover.
The boy was sitting at his desk, facing away from him, hunched over a notebook and scribbling madly. He was giggling to himself and babbling about something Edward didn't have the mental strength to understand. Edward didn't care anyway.
He just wanted those chips!
The bag of chips lay on the desk, left open so that the dazzling aroma of cooked and seasoned potatoes wafted out throughout the room. Edward was salivating as the boy drew out a chip and snarled, "I'll take a potato chip...And EAT IT-"
Edward snatched the chip away and ate it himself.
The boy whirled around in his chair and roared, "Whoa, what the hell do you think you're doing? Those are my chips!"
A stand-off ensued.
"How dare you ruin my plan!"
"What plan?"
"Huh?" The boy looked nervous, as if he had said something he shouldn't have. He quickly composed himself, "Oh nothing. Never mind. But anyway those are my chips! And besides, how did you get in here?"
Edward smirked, "I used my vampire powers!"
"Vampire? Aha! That's it! You're that vampire in those movies aren't you? Edward Cullen!"
Edward bowed and grinned, "It is I, the greatest vampire in the world!"
The boy looked around and suddenly let out a light chuckle. "Wow, can I have your autograph?" He handed the vampire a sheet of note paper and a pen and silently watched and waited as Edward wrote his signature. "Thanks so much Mr Cullen!" the boy beamed.
"No problem uh..."
"Oh right, I never introduced myself. My name is," the boy's eyes suddenly glowed red and a vicious, evil aura enveloped him, "My name is Light Yagami and I am Kira!"
None of this really meant anything to Edward who simply nodded and smiled. "Well it's nice to meet you Light, by the way, could I have those chips?"
Light grinned devilishly, "Sure. It shall serve as your last meal."
Edward didn't pick up on the fact that those words were laced in poison and simply strolled off eating chips. He barely made it to the door when suddenly his heart seized up and he collapsed to the floor.
Light retrieved the bag of chips, sat down and grinned. "Now...I take a potato chip...And EAT IT!"
15 – A Bad review
Light is flicking through TV stations to keep updated on his own cause as well as to find more victims. All the channels are displaying breaking news of more criminals dying and the progress of the Kira case, but one channel is playing a movie. The fact that this movie transcended the news of Kira's latest victims mystified Light and so he felt compelled to watch it.
An hour and a half later Light was very angry.
45 seconds later Edward had a heart attack.
The next day the world rejoiced.
Well I hope you enjoyed that. A shout-out to EternalSyzygy for most of these ideas. Now if you did enjoy that how about you review. Any suggestions are welcome and any advice or praise is welcome too.