HK: … sorry everyone for the sheer amount of crack contained in this fic! XD Completely inspired by a picture on deviant Art called A9. Let Sleeping Gods Lie from the artist Slayers-Nerd, she gave me permission to write a fic around it. I swear I didn't know it was gonna end up this cracked. And yah… Loki's gonna be jumping around like a kid on crack a little here… I'd love to bring Freyr to make him do it (Slayers-Nerd has great pics of Freyr too btw), but I'm just not up to handling the weather. Oh shit yeah, and one other thing… sorry Slayers, I tend to portray Loki as a raging bisexual. Y'know, what with his habit of bearing other men's children and all. One more very important note! Minor cameos are already part of the story, and are available upon request for later plot points. However, since 54 000 words of this story are completed (it was my NaNoWriMo and I WON (ironically this only amounts to 5 or 6 chapters)), it could be a while before it's posted.
Disclaimer: … Does anyone own Norse mythology anymore? Well, the most important point here is, I don't. Technically, since I worship Loki (in a highly irreverent way but what the hell) you could say I belong to him. Weirdest disclaimer ever. I also don't own Ikea, or anything else you will see here.
WARNINGS! Thor being… well, Thor. Loki being a smexy little man skank. 3 Oh, and unnecessary havoc and devastations being wreaked on an innocent Ikea.
Far from what mortals had been lead to believe, Asgard wasn't all feasting halls with long wooden tables. Alright, that was literally all Valhalla was, but really, mortal heroes didn't need much else. As long as the beer goat didn't get sick, they were happy. The gods, on the other hand, had way too much money and power to deal with having wooden furniture everywhere. Way too uncomfortable, way too many splinters in bad places. Luckily for all involved, the norns didn't particularly enjoy wooden everything either, so they minorly abused the passage of time to obtain an Ikea catalogue. Once it had been thoroughly passed around, someone had to go on a quest to future-Midgard to obtain the desired furniture. Three guesses who ended up going on that quest.
Thor and Loki looked around with interest at the large number of wheeled metal boxes standing in the parking lot of the Ikea. The building itself was almost as large as some of Asgard's smaller palaces, but neither god had ever seen a car before so they were currently more interested in that. After taking a seat on a bench and watching 17 separate cars come up, park, and unload families of mortals, Loki remembered that they had an actual purpose on this quest, rather than just roaming around. He got to his feet, stretching.
"Come Thor, we have to go and get the furniture for the others." Thor frowned, reluctant to get up as another car pulled into the lot.
"But we haven't yet learned the origins of this strange magic, Loki." Loki sighed, patting his rent-a-nephew on the shoulder. He had already realised that he wasn't going to be able to work these things out until he had a chance to thoroughly dissect one, and Odin had forbidden him from causing too much trouble on this trip. Normally that meant less than nothing to the trickster, but since it was Odin's magic that was to be taking them home…
"We'll come back and examine them later. Now we should go, this may take a while." The bulky thunder god huffed, but heaved himself to his feet anyway.
"I can hardly see how this will take long, Loki. If mortals can manage it, it must be easy for gods such as us!" Loki rolled his eyes, but fell into step beside Thor anyway. He tugged at the sleeve of his shirt, feeling oddly exposed in mortal clothing. In an effort to break as little of the universe as possible, the norns had insisted that Loki and Thor try to fit in on their shopping trip. Actually, they had tried to insist that Loki not go at all, and have Tyr or Freyr accompany Thor. Unfortunately, Tyr was required to help watch for Jotunn attack whilst Thor was gone, and Freyr was off enjoying some married bliss with his new bride Gerd. They were enjoying married bliss so loudly that the messengers sent to fetch the fertility god had gone unnoticed, and had returned to Odin's hall having heard more than they wished to.
But abandoning that intensely disturbing mental image to the trash where it belongs, the norns had given in with ill grace and dressed Thor and Loki in mortal clothes before they left. Both gods had received a pair of denim jeans (which were oddly comfortable, and Loki was planning to keep his when they got back), as well as a t-shirt and jacket. Thor's jacket was made of leather, with a plain red shirt underneath. Loki's jacket was plainer, and the shirt was black with the words "man whore" written in white on the front. Apparently the norns weren't too fond of him. He had no idea why, it wasn't like he had ever done anything to them… directly…
As Thor's hair was only shoulder length, he had been allowed to keep it loose, but again, the norns' had demanded that Loki tie his longer hair back into a ponytail. Loki had been sorely tempted to remind them that he could in fact shorten his hair at will anyway, change its colour or even transform completely into a woman if it made them happy, but Skuld had given him a very nasty look and suggested that he wear a skirt.
In all honesty, Loki counted several women among his favourite disguises, and as such wasn't too offended by the idea, but he didn't need to give the other As any more excuses to call him an argr, or unmanly one. The end result made him look most extremely gay, but since no one was actually going to mention that to him it was alright. Thor, being a head taller and considerably more buff, looked quite excellent in his leather and denim, and no one around him (least of all Loki) was missing the opportunity to check out his ass.
The inside of the store was just as fascinating as the outside to the two Aesir, but it was the escalators that attracted the most attention. Again, the pair spent several minutes just watching the stairs rise and disappear before Loki realised that they were attracting quite a lot of attention. Wups. Weren't supposed to be doing that. Tugging Thor on, he stepped hesitantly onto the moving stairs. Thor looked at him like he was quite insane, but as Loki rose up the stairs and a family of what seemed like 20 small children crowded behind him, he stepped hesitantly onto the next stair. It continued rising, untroubled by his weight, and Thor clutched determinedly to the two bars rising with the stair. They creaked under his grasp, but Thor was currently more worried about falling off this strange device.
As it reached the top, he stumbled quickly forward, afraid of being sucked through the metal grill and forced under the stairs. Loki watched him with amusement, as though he too hadn't been worried about the exact same thing. The two gods stepped aside quickly as the swarm of children flew out and into the store, followed by two harassed looking parents. Loki and Thor remained atop the escalator a while longer, looking around at the odd sight before them. It looked almost as though several houses had been squeezed into one, with what looked like ordinary bedrooms, offices and kitchens all packed into a warehouse, with a clear path to allow the shoppers to move between them.
Loki and Thor exchanged looks. It wasn't like any other store either of them had ever seen. How were you supposed to buy anything? Fortunately, the wonderful people of Ikea had foreseen this little difficulty. A large sign by the escalators explained the whole process, even providing visitors with a large yellow bag, a piece of paper and a pencil to mark down anything they liked. The gods perused the sign for a while as well. Then Thor turned to Loki.
"Can you read any of this?" Because unfortunately, while both gods could speak any language that pleased them, neither had ever had occasion to learn any written language beyond the runic alphabets and Old Norse. Not wanting to appear ignorant and lose his title of consummate know-it-all, Loki glanced around at what everyone else was doing. Ah, there was a young woman with hair almost as red as his, reading another sign in what looked like the same language. Flexing his magic, Loki reached into her mind and pulled the knowledge directly from her brain. How nice, she had even been to the store before. He turned to give Thor a confident smile.
"Of course. Come on, we already know what everyone else wants. Let's have a look around and see what else we can find." Thor gave him a sceptical look, for once having noticed what Loki was doing. Still, since mind-stealing was a generally accurate way to gather information, he didn't say anything, instead just following Loki as he headed off into the store. The first section had a few rooms set up, apparently to give you some idea of how you could decorate your own home. It was quite interesting, but far more fun was the huge space beyond that which was filled with sofas, couches and end tables of varying descriptions.
Thor dutifully pulled out the long list of things the other gods had requested, but Loki's fingers were already twitching. It may have been the person he pulled the knowledge from, it may be because he was easily bored, but he wanted to sit on Every. Single. Sofa. Especially the ones high up on the walls. Impatiently he snatched the list from Thor's hand, stuffing it into his own pocket.
"Never mind that now, Thor, we'll get the stuff when we go downstairs. That's how it works," he explained hastily when the thunder god turned a vicious glare on him. Thor wasn't too sure whether or not he should believe Loki, but then again, none of the mortals were picking up the furniture to pay for. Thor decided that he may as well take Loki's advice on this, because that way even if they were wrong, he knew who to blame. And some of the couches were extremely comfy looking… Loki had seen the decision on his companion's face long before he reached it himself, and was already lounging on one of the larger sofas. He turned a grin on his nephew. "I may change my mind about what I wanted… this is a very nice piece of furniture."
Giving in to temptation, Thor went over to join Loki on the couch. It was a rather nice cream colour, and the cushions were extremely plush. It wasn't necessarily what Thor would want for his home, but he had to admit that it was indeed quite a nice piece of furniture. Loki, meanwhile, was looking at the little tag that displayed the price and make of the sofa. He debated writing it down, before realising that he hadn't grabbed himself a little pencil. No matter. He simply slipped the sheet of paper describing the sofa out of its plastic sheet and tucked it into his pocket.
Thor hadn't noticed the minor act of larceny, as he was already off exploring new and exciting sofas. A slightly smaller sofa upholstered in a shiny brown material had caught his eye, and as he sat he found it to be nicely firm under him. When you were out fighting giants all day, you didn't necessarily want furniture that would try and eat you. Following Loki's example, he found the small paper tag that described the sofa. He was rather pleased to see that it was one of the things Sif had decided she wanted already.
He made a mental note to do something nice for his wife when he got home. Perhaps slay a giant or two in her name. Or maybe even… take off his shoes as he entered the house. She had been going on at him about that for a while. Thor didn't know why, it wasn't as if she ever had to clean the house… he was reasonably certain that happened by magic.
He was distracted from his musing by Loki, who had as always found something more destructive that he could be doing. In this case, attempting to climb a wall to sit on a sofa up near the ceiling. Turning back to his nephew, he shot him an irritated frown. "Thor! Get over here and give me a hand up!"
With a reluctant sigh, Thor lifted himself from the couch and walked over, picking Loki up like a doll and letting him stand on his shoulder. If Loki was annoyed by this obvious difference in strength, he didn't show it. Instead he simply grabbed the edge of the sofa and pulled himself up. Thor gave him an exasperated look as he settled himself more comfortably onto the couch, ignoring the stares of the passing mortals.
"Why did you want to sit on that sofa so badly?" Loki shrugged, picking at the cushions. The sofa was a lurid pink in colour, with lumpy and uncomfortable pillows. Deciding that it had no redeeming features, he slid back down onto Thor's shoulder, jumping to the floor from there.
"No real reason." And without another word he moved on to the next sofa, leaving Thor to roll his eyes behind him.
It soon became obvious to Thor that something wasn't quite right about his companion. While Loki usually enjoyed his role as the brains of the operation, he was also usually quite mature, except for the occasional joke. There seemed to be something about this building that destroyed that however, as while Thor was quite content to just wander through and look at everything, Loki was behaving in a manner similar to that of a small child. He had to touch everything. And sit on everything. Of course, the trickster was always good at wasting time, but he wasn't usually so easy to distract.
Thor was quite sure he saw him pocket another seven paper slips before they even reached the bedroom section. Now, if there was one thing Asgard was quite good with, it was beds. They were gods, after all. Their beds were large and comfortable, often with room for another seven people besides their usual occupants. Eight if they were really friendly people. Thor had expected them to get through this area rather quickly, as no one really wanted to lose their beds. But no. Apparently Loki wanted to try out all of the beds too. He went and laid down on the nearest one briefly, before getting up and glaring at it.
"That was horrible." Then he moved on to the next one, much as he had done with the sofas. Thor was conflicted for a moment… then he gave in. Sitting on all of the sofas and couches and those weird couch-bed-things had been fun in its own way. As had all of the chairs in the office section. The dining room chairs had been less interesting, but then they hadn't lingered long there. The point was, those beds did look comfortable. And across the room he could see a few mortals doing exactly the same thing, so it must be right.
Come to think of it, one of them did look rather like the red haired girl Loki had taken the information about this store from. She was certainly hoping from bed to bed with equal or greater enthusiasm than the trickster. So that was probably where Loki had gotten it from. Seeing as Loki had already finished one entire row of beds, Thor chose one at random and sat on it. The springs creaked worryingly, and he stood up again at once. Really, he didn't think much of these human beds. That had sounded almost worryingly flimsy.
Thor was quite sure he would find all of the other beds equally delicate, and wanted to move on again. But Loki was now in the very middle of the bed field, lying flat on his back and waving Thor over. Reluctantly the thunder god joined him, standing beside the bed rather than sitting on it. He somehow got the impression that breaking any of the beds would lead to their hasty expulsion from the store. Loki didn't seem to notice his dilemma, giving Thor a lazy smile. "This bed is insanely comfortable."
Thor frowned, looking away from his friend. All that was needed to complete the picture of debauchery Loki made would be for the trickster to lose his clothes. He was sprawled almost obscenely, taking up a good 80% of the king sized bed. He had given up on the pony tail and yanked it out at some point during his bed testing, so now his long red hair was spread out across the pillow. The lazy, blissed out smile really wasn't helping his case. Unfortunately in looking away, Thor spotted the loopy redhead whose brain had apparently drugged Loki lying on her own bed not too far away, talking to her friend.
"What do you reckon the staff would do if someone just started having sex on one of the beds?" The black haired girl beside her gave her an odd look.
"Kick you out?" The redhead snickered, sitting up on her elbows.
"But what if they didn't stop?" A girl with blue hair who was lying on the next bed looked over, grinning.
"Cattle prod." All three girls flinched, and Thor's attention was dragged back to his own friend as Loki poked him.
"Seriously, you have to try this." If Thor hadn't wanted to get on the beds before, it was nothing to how much he didn't want to lie on them now. The idea of people having sex on the beds was squicking him out just a little too much. Loki didn't seem to have overheard the conversation as he shuffled over to the other side of the bed, patting the now empty space beside him. "Come on. I'm not lying Thor, it's unbelievable." Thor gave him a flat look.
"I do not wish to break the bed." Loki's expression blanked for a moment (he had SO been listening in to the same conversation), then he snickered.
"Don't worry; I think the bed can probably handle it. The mattress is made of some sort of foam, it's quite something." Reluctantly Thor sat on the edge of the bed. It sank under his weight, but there was no disturbing creak. Thor relaxed a little, gradually resting more of his weight onto the bed. He could See Loki wanting to make some comment about his weight, which he curtailed with a glare.
Eventually he was lying on the bed beside Loki, looking up at the ceiling. It really was quite amazingly comfy. Loki seemed content to just lie there in silence now that Thor had given in and joined him on the bed, and Thor experienced something he had never thought he would; a quiet, relaxing time with Loki. Of course, the trickster couldn't sit still for long. After several minutes had passed and Thor was beginning to drift into a strangely contemplative mood, Loki pulled himself upright with a groan. "We should get going."
Thor considered glaring at his friend. He really was remarkably happy just lying there being lazy. But then, Thor never was the patient type. It wouldn't have taken him much longer to get bored anyway. So instead he nodded, swinging himself to his feet as well. They were close to the small restaurant in the store now, and the smells of food were beginning to peak his interest. He wasn't actively hungry yet, which was probably a good thing.
Loki on his own could probably eat the entire contents of the kitchen when hungry; Thor would probably start on the furniture. Loki seemed to be gaining an interest in the food too. They hurried on without trying the rest of the beds, going quickly through the children's section too. At the end of it though Loki paused, picking a large fluffy snake out of a bin of stuffed toys.
"Jor would have loved this…" Thor, who hadn't expected the stop, turned and gave Loki a very strange look. He could never think of the World Serpent as anything other than a mighty enemy to be defeated. It rarely even registered that the snake was Loki's son. Loki had certainly never brought up any of his children before. Indeed, even this moment of nostalgia was short lived as Loki shook his head, tossing the snake back into the bin and forcing a smile to his face as he looked at his companion. "Shall we continue?" He brushed past Thor towards the food again, but in a rare moment of thought Thor paused, watching his friend.
All of the childish glee had gone from Loki's bearing, and he suddenly looked a lot older. Maybe Thor should have been happy, or relieved that Loki was finally manning up and acting his age on this trip, but instead a strange sadness overcame him. He couldn't even stand the thought of losing Magni or Modi as Loki had lost his children… then he shook himself back to reality. Loki's children were monsters, even Vali and Narvi had inherited a share of their father's mischievous ways without any of his brilliance or rare moments of goodness.
Thor caught up with Loki quickly, clapping his friend on the back. In an unusually tactful gesture, he changed the topic.
"Shall we eat before we quest below ground for furniture?" Loki glanced up at him, and for a moment Thor thought he was going to bring up Jormungandr again, but then the moment passed. Loki still wasn't smiling, but he turned back to look at the menu.
"Why not." Suddenly a small grey bird flapped past, cooing loudly. The loopy ginger and her friends ran past in pursuit of the bird, yelling equally loudly.
"IT HAS ME FRIES!" The redhead paused as she drew level with the boys, letting her friends get ahead of her as they chased the bird. She looked at them, looked at the menu, and then grinned.
"The meat balls here are delicious." Then she was off again, chasing her friends and the bird. Thor and Loki exchanged looks. All previous awkwardness was gone in a shared moment of "humans are insane". Finally Loki shrugged, going to line up for the food.
"I'll try the meat balls."
Luckily for all involved, Ikea sold platters of ten meat balls per serving, so the furniture was safe from the wrath of Thor's stomach. Less luckily, they didn't serve beer.
"NO BEER!" The unfortunate guy serving the food took a few steps back.
"Uh… sorry? But we're not really that kind of establishment. There are children, you see…" Thor glared at the poor man.
"I care not for your bullshit! Serve me beer!" Any melancholy Loki had been feeling about his children soon disappeared as he tried not to laugh at the mortals. Denying Thor beer was practically suicidal. Loki wasn't entirely convinced that the thunder god even knew there were other things to drink. It took him a moment to realise how much attention they were getting. The norns were definitely not going to be happy. At least it wasn't his fault this time. Loki put a calming hand on Thor's arm, giving the server an apologetic smile.
"Sorry about him… he's off his meds." Thor gave him a supremely freaked out look, and Loki himself wondered where the sentence had come from. The mortal seemed to accept it though, so that counted as a win in Loki's book. Thor allowed himself to be lead away to the drinks fountain, still seething inside at the lack of beer. Loki passed him a glass in silence, before returning his attention to the drink machine. He had a vague impression of what it was for, but the specific memories he had stolen from the mortal hadn't involved drink machines.
Happily, there were plenty of mortals here to donate their knowledge. A short girl with black hair "volunteered" her expertise as she walked up and filled her glass. While Loki was busy sifting the information from her mind, she glanced around, spotted the boys staring at her, and grinned.
"Linden berry juice is awesome!" She skipped happily back to her table… where her two pigeon chasing friends had returned to their meals, bird apparently uncaught. Thor and Loki exchanged looks again, then mimicked the gesture she had used to obtain drink from the machine. Loki decided to take her advice and go for the berry juice, but Thor had found a little picture with the words "Root Beer" under it (Loki had translated it for him before he realised what Thor's reaction would be). Sure enough, once they had sat down and Thor had taken a sip of his drink, he immediately threw the glass to the ground with a roar of rage.
"This is not beer!" Loki flinched as heads turned, but apparently Thor was so intimidating that none of the humans wanted to call him out on bad manners. That is, none but the tiny black haired girl who had shown them how the drink machine worked, who just happened to be passing their table at the time. She looked down at her legs, which were now soaked where the root beer had sprayed, then glared up at Thor.
"You got my pants!" Thor paused, unsure of what to do. Then he decided fuck it, he wanted his god damn beer and they hadn't given him any, so he was gonna stay pissed.
"Then you should not have walked into my path!"
"You shouldn't be throwing things onto the floor!"
"This travesty should not be calling itself beer!" The black haired girl paused, looking at him oddly.
"Root beer? That's a kind of pop, genius." Thor gave her an odd look back.
"What is this "pop" of which you speak?" She folded her arms glaring at him.
"Please don't be that stupid. You're too pretty to be that stupid." Thor drew himself up in fury, and Loki chuckled from his side of the table. This was too funny for him to worry about the amount of attention they were getting. A small cough from behind him alerted him to the presence of the red haired girl. He glanced over and she smiled sheepishly.
"Hey. Is she bothering you?" Loki glanced back just in time to see Thor rise from his seat, and the look on the girl's face made him actually laugh.
"No, I think she's just upset because my friend spilled his drink on her." The red head looked from Thor to her friend, then shrugged.
"Fuck it; they can work it out for themselves. Mind if I sit? Kinda want a ring side view." Loki gestured that she could indeed sit, and she pulled out a chair, propping her elbows up on the table. The black haired girl and Thor were shouting at each other now, loudly enough to draw the attention of the entire store. Loki looked back at the red head across from him, leaning in so that she actually stood a chance of hearing him.
"Do you actually know these people?" A diabolical smile crossed her face and she shook her head, leaning in as well.
"No idea who they are. You?" Snickering, Loki shook his head.
"Of course not." They shared a moment of companionable silence, then Loki nodded back towards the table the women had previously occupied, where only the blue haired girl still sat.
"Why did you leave your friend?" The red head shrugged, shuffling closer to the table so that they could talk under the bellowed argument of their friends.
"Someone had to watch our stuff while one of us went to rescue that one," she pointed to her yelling little friend, "and she chose rock when I chose paper." Loki looked at her blankly.
"What do you mean?" Like her friend, the red head paused, then sighed.
"You're lucky you're pretty." He sat up a little, smiling despite himself.
"Thanks." This was apparently not the expected reaction, as the girl paused again, then grinned.
"Fuck yes for an awesome answer?" Loki nodded, not particularly bothering to question the subject change. If it was all that important he could scoop the knowledge from her mind. They sat without talking for a while. Thor and the short girl didn't seem about to stop yelling any time soon, and a few employees were starting to edge nervously towards them. The redhead glanced over at the employees, sighed, and smiled, getting to her feet. "Guess I had better sort this out. Man, she usually hates conflict… your friend must be really pissing her off." Loki smiled innocently up at her. She had called him pretty, so he wasn't averse to her presence.
"Not my friend, remember? I don't know these crazy people." The girl laughed, nodding.
"Right. Me neither. Just doing my civic duty." Waving a desultory good bye, she walked around the table to put a hand on her friend's shoulder. Loki didn't hear what she said next, but a sudden lull in the shouting suggested that it had been effective. She said something to Thor as well, so quietly that Loki couldn't be sure what it was, but he would have loved to learn it because a moment later the thunder god sat down, looking sulky but silent.
The employees relaxed considerably now that the huge man appeared to have calmed down, and decided that they really didn't need to get involved after all. Gradually the cafeteria returned to normal, and Thor and Loki finished their food. Then it was time to go downstairs and select all of the furniture. It was rather warehouse like down there too, except now it was more like a warehouse of junk. All kinds of random things were littered around in buckets and bins.
Fortunately Loki seemed to have fully recovered from his earlier burst of ADD, and they actually got through this area in a way that suited Thor's shortened temper. Loki remained silent so as not to aggravate his companion, and as they passed through large spaces of lamps, pillows and candles, Thor's temper seemed to ease.
Finally they arrived at the large aisles filled with furniture, in its boxed state. Thor looked around in confusion, but Loki was busy watching in mounting envy as the red head and her two friends sped up and down the aisles on top of the long flat carts, apparently having a pitched battle. Sadly, he didn't think Thor was in the mood for an amazing cart war.
Sighing regretfully, he pulled the huge shopping list and his collection of liberated papers from his pocket and pointing to the wall where the carts were waiting.
"Grab two?" Thor gave him an indignant look, and for a second Loki thought he was going to have a full on bitch fit on his hands about why he couldn't tell the thunder god what to do. But apparently Thor wasn't in the mood for a tantrum worthy of a four year old, as instead he fetched the carts. Loki took his, glancing at the list to try and distract from the temptation to jump on top of the cart and fly at high speed down the aisles.
It was moderately successful. At least in so far that they actually managed to get most of the shopping done without breaking anything, even if it did come close when he took a corner a little too quickly for the over laden cart and almost tipped it. A little hasty magic had righted the cart before anything actively fell, although Thor had to catch the sofa he liked before it tipped. He shot Loki a dirty glare, but said nothing.
Loki went a little slower after that. People started to give them strange looks again as the piles of boxes on both carts grew higher and higher until neither god could see over it. Then a new plan was required to keep them from crashing into things. Naturally, Loki had an idea. Naturally, Thor didn't like it.
Loki stood back to view his creation. Thor was glaring at him like there was no tomorrow, but other than that it was beautiful. Perfect, even. The other shoppers were stopping to stare, and a few feet away he could hear a loud crash as a few of the crazy girls collided because they were too busy staring. Two ropes, pulled conveniently from the air, wrapped around the handles of the trolleys before coming forward to attach themselves to Thor's belt. While not exactly impressed with his new role as pack animal, no one could deny that Thor was perfectly suited to it. It was impossible for Loki to keep the wide grin off his face as he moved around behind the trolleys to make sure nothing fell.
"Alright Thor, you can go now." Muttering angrily to himself but unable argue until he could come up with a better idea, Thor began walking down the aisle. The two carts, despite being stacked far beyond their normal capacity, did not hinder him in the slightest. Loki followed him through the rest of the store, chuckling happily to himself as he cast a spell to keep anything from falling.
The employees at the checkout were watching their approach with apprehension, but Thor didn't even slow down and it was up to Loki to quickly push one trolley in front of the other so that they would both fit through the space. The employees continued to look worried, and he shot them his best smile while still making sure nothing fell from the creaking carts. "Don't worry about scanning them; we already worked out what it will cost. This should cover it." He pulled the large bag of gold they had been given (well, Thor had been given… but really, anything they gave to Thor they may as well have given to Loki, because Thor never bothered to check his pockets) and tossed it onto one of the counters.
One of them employees, a tall young man (but only a few inches taller than Loki) stepped forward, frowning.
"That isn't how it works…" Loki's smile became distinctly shark like.
"It is for me." Apparently the young worker didn't have the nerve to argue with this extremely odd pair any further. As the two gods made their way over to the exit, another cashier opened the bag curiously. She gasped in surprise as fat, heavy gold coins spilled from the side. Everyone watched in shock as the questioning young worker slowly picked one up, holding it up to the light. She pressed her fingernail into it, and gasped.
"It's… it's real." All eyes turned again to the two young men walking away with a mountain of furniture, which they had paid for in solid gold. Abruptly the senior cashier coughed, breaking the spell.
"Right, well… that seems to be in order." One of the customers, a surly young man with a beard glared at her.
"It bloody well does not! There's got to be way more than enough money there, you're ripping them off!" The other customers agreed angrily, but the senior cashier, who wasn't senior for nothing, silenced them all with a glare.
"Would you like to fetch those two back so we can make change?" The store suddenly became very quiet. Confronting the giant with the temper just so that they could make them wait, possibly for hours, while the money was counted so that change could be made didn't really appeal to anyone. Without warning, Loki suddenly appeared beside the young man that had tried to stop him, grinning widely.
"By the way, you'll probably want these." He dived into his pockets, pulling out all of the paper slips he had abducted during his trek through the showroom, dumping them into the poor man's hands. Then he vanished again. There was a long moment of silence. Almost simultaneously, every human in the building decided that they couldn't possibly have just seen that. It was impossible for people to vanish, after all. He must have walked. No other alternative.
Happy to see that they weren't in fact going insane, the people began going about their business again… except the unfortunate young man with the bag of gold on his conveyor belt. He stared down at the bag, then at the paper in his hands. He whimpered.
"How do I enter this?" Luckily, that was a problem to be faced on another day.
Loki smiled contentedly as he walked away from the blazing inferno that used to be Ikea. All of the humans seemed to have gotten out safely, a few having the presence of mind to bring their unpaid for furniture with them. Thor gave his friend a disapproving frown as he towed the shopping carts over to the same spot they had arrived from.
"Do you have to destroy everything you touch?" In far too good of a mood to be bothered by the tone, Loki just shrugged.
"Not everything. But most things." Thor shook his head in silent disapproval as they were teleported away, trolleys and all.
HK: And a message for the lovely people who review! I'm not actually expecting many people to even read this story, but if you do I would very much appreciate a review. As with all my other fics, disclaimer situations will be available upon request. I will be updating once a week until I run out of prewritten story so I'll just show a few examples in the beginnings of the next few chapters. I'm wondering just how blasphemous it is to put my god into these situations… not that this'll stop me! XD