3Discalimer: I don't own CSI and/or the characters. Though I wish I did.
Rating: M.
A/N: I wrote this fic a few months ago while sobbing, so I needed to write something depressing lol. I wasn't planning on pbublishing it, but a friend told me I should, so there you go (:
The Perfect Relationship?
You know how sometimes you make that big step and let someone into your life? You don't know what's going to happen next; things can go on the right track and you'll both be happy and live happily ever after, but they can also go on the wrong one, and you end up curled up in your bed, bowling your eyes out. So you just take that chance and hope, hope that you wouldn't get hurt. You open up to this person and they open up to you. You give them your heart.
That's exactly what happened to me with Louis Vartann.
Just a year ago I was the strong, tough CSI Willows. The single CSI Willows. And then he came along.
After two, exhausting hours of interrogating a suspect we finally got a confession. We both didn't have anywhere important to be, so he invited me to Frank's for a cup of coffee. As friends.
One cup of coffee soon turned into three and we spent the next two hours talking about everything and anything, joking around, totally losing track of time. It was really fun, I didn't know this side of him and it was really nice to see it.
And then came the big line, the line that changed everything. The line that, although I didn't know it back then, changed my life. "Can I see you again?"
I didn't think too much; I didn't realize how big deal it was, so I just smiled and said, "I'd like that."
When I think about it now, I don't think I'd change my answer.
A month later we were already inseparable. I would walk around the lab with a huge smile on my face and nobody would know why. I would hand assignments and make sure to be with Lou on the same case just so I'd get to see him more. Fuck professionalism. And when we weren't working we spent every second together. It was suddenly rare that I slept alone. I let him into my house, my bed, my life. I let him into my heart.
I was never that kind of woman; the kind that would get so excited over a man; the kind that would give herself completely to another man; the kind that would fall in love like a teenager.
I've had a bad history with man: In high school they all wanted one thing – someone to "stick it" in her and then leave and tell all the guys how cool they are. When I was an exotic dancer no one cared about my other talents or my brain – no one thought I actually had one – they all wanted those long, tanned legs, wrapped around them as they reached their release. The only good thing about being married to Eddie was Lindsey. Apart from that, he would do nothing but fuck every teenager he met and make me a cocaine addict, which was a hard thing to overcome. Chris cheated and didn't even show any sign that he was sorry. After that, I shut myself completely. I never let any man in; didn't want to get hurt again.
But Lou… Lou was so amazing; he was sensitive and caring; he was talented and passionate about his job, just like me; he was funny and fun to be around, and on top of that all, he had that body… oh, his body! And boy, did he know how to pleasure a woman. So, I took a chance. I gave myself to this man because I trusted him. I let my heart lead once again. Of course, it was a mistake; once again, I didn't think of the consequences.
He told me about his ex-wife and his son, Jake, and I told him about my past as an exotic dancer and a cocaine addict. I had never told anyone about it, but I trusted him. I slowly fell for him.
I'm not used to be losing control. I had always known what I was doing and where the limits were. But with him… with him it was different. I felt safe, I felt loved. No man had ever loved me like Lou did. He would do anything for me; he wouldn't lose me for anything in the world. And I wouldn't let him lose me, I loved him. I loved him so much.
For my birthday he gave me this beautiful necklace with purple diamonds. My favorite color. But the present I loved the most was a picture of us in a glass frame decorated with light purple butterflies. The picture was taken on Christmas Eve. It was just two weeks after I asked him to move in with me and he had finally finished moving the last of his boxes into my house. We celebrated Christmas in our home and invited the team and some guys from P.D. to celebrate with us. I'm sitting on his knee and wearing his Santa hat in the picture. He let me open one of my presents and it was a beautiful red dress I had told him I liked a while back. I kissed him and that's when Greg snapped the picture.
I'm looking at this picture now. The glass is shattered after I threw it against the wall a couple of hours ago and my tears are falling onto the picture.
Lou was the best thing that has ever happened to me. After Eddie and Chris I didn't believe I could find someone who'd be so good to me and make me feel so good. Lou changed it; Lou came into my life and changed it forever. He made me feel loved and he made me feel good in any way possible. I could never love anyone the way I loved him. He made me so happy. It was the happiest year of my life. He loved me and he cared about me. I know I made him happy as well.
So if everything was so perfect, why am I lying now in our bed, wearing his clothes, looking at our picture and crying so hard?
You know how sometimes you make that big step and let someone into your life? You don't know what's going to happen next; things can go on the right track, but they can also go on the wrong one, and you end up curled up in your bed, bowling your eyes out. So you just take that chance and hope that you wouldn't get hurt. You open up to this person and they open up to you. You give them your heart.
I gave Lou my heart. I gave him everything. So why did he leave me? Why did he leave me alone?
I couldn't save his life. I watched him bleeding to death in my arms. His last words were "I love you," and when I said them back it was too late. He was already gone.
I don't care that the man who shot him at that crime scene is now in jail. It won't bring Lou back!
I was so pissed earlier. I was so angry with him. How could he leave me? How could he do this to me? He's not supposed to be dead, he's supposed to cuddle me on the couch and listen to me ramble all night. I was so pissed; I pretty much destroyed the house.
And then, when I picked up the smashed frame with our picture inside and saw him smiling against my lips, the tears just started pouring out and I had no control, I couldn't stop them.
I'm not angry anymore. I'm sad. I'm sad that I finally found the one I've been looking for my whole life, I gave him all of me, and now I lost him. I'm sad that Lou will never know his baby, the one that's been growing inside me for eight weeks now. The one that I planned on telling Lou about today when we'd come back from that crime scene. The one that I'm going to keep because he's the only thing I have left from Lou.
Please tell me what you think?
-Zohar.